Adjustment to the United States

[*JG* 2]

Those of you who have been through it, know, though. Speculating what you would do in the situation is not always the way it happens. It's just a lot harder then you think.

[SupportOAFJF 0]

I think i know how I handle situations at this point in my life, i can honestly say i know for sure how i would treat this situation if i was in it. Ur mind goes in overdrive and now ur MUST save urself..IMO

Edited February 11, 2009 by Hotlegz

[dillon 6]

I have been there as well. With my ex he would not leave either. I did put up with it to an extent because I didn't have anywhere else to go. The lease was in my name and I wasn't going to move out and let him stay there so he could not pay the rent. I would have to end up paying it anyways. But as soon as that lease was up I was out!

exactly....there has to be some kind of ending point..when this happens I will do this..i'm not gonna sit around and maybe hope that things will change..nope, nope

Well I will be honest I did sit there for awhile hoping that he would change. I didn't want to say to myself down the road if I would have been more patient or given it more time could things have been different. I was feeling guilting regarding the divorce and my daughter. I didn't want her to grow up having her parents divorced. But I did a lot of soul searching and realized it wasn't going to change and that it is time to move on. He wasn't there for me and he wasn't being a father to our daughter either. Then I finally realized the BEST thing I could do for her was to get a divorce. This did not happen overnight and it took me a long time after we even separated to take the ring off. I guess I went through it in stages.

[sus 70]

LuvTrav,

To me, it sounds like you are battling staying with this man or not. Or either you are still in love with him, or you are too scared to leave, or something. Its just all very confusing , your story. Dont get me wrong, big ups for putting the story out there and being commited to the realtionship and all, but what move are you trying to make? In the course of your posts I hear you saying how you cant deal with Craig and what him gone, but you love him but dont love him anymore. That he is just not getting it, but majority of the times are good now. You also say that you never wanted to get married yet dont want to divorce someone you do not love and who does not love you? I am just so confused as to what you are still doing in this situation. I understand that you may not talk "bad" to your 15yr old about Craig, but like you said he is old enough to get it. He knows that Craig is not the most best of people. And he also knows that Craig still stays there in your home. Does this not make him uncomfortable, or send him a confusing signal? My concern is truly for your son who you say does not know his birth father, and his moms husband does not even sleep in the same bedroom as she. I just think it could be quite damaging for him to grow up in what is a dysfunctional family unit, only for the reason of you not wanting to get some paperwork done to dissolve your marriage. Once the marriage is done, wont it be easy to just kick Craig out? Why do you allow him to stay there still? Is there some sort of financial hold up? I am just really confused by your relationship. I think this is why people are not sure how to take your comments on Jamaicans and such. Your case seems very extreme, and not because he is Jamaican, but because of his personality and your personality just dont fit. Dont matter if you were German and he Italian.

I have to agree with Marlita -

Kel, you and I have talked about this stuff in the past - I do believe that you and Craig love each other - But all the other stuff you mentioned is getting in the way of any type or hope of a healthy relationship. I spent 7 years in an abusive relationship - When it was good, it was great - when it wasn't - it was oh so bad. It is not an easy thing to break free of, especially when your heart is involved. But, I honestly think that you need to do it - If Craig truly loves you and wants to be with you, then he will move and work on the relationship - Sometimes distance is the best thing for you both - Counselling is another thing that would help, and there are all kinds of avenues to get free help. I waited too long - despite all the abuse and problems, I kept letting him come back, blamed some of it on myself - all the classic things, although I couldn't see it at the time - What ended it for me was being thrown up against a wall by my neck and breaking a rib - No matter what anyone told me, I didn't see how wrong things were until it was literally slammed into me.

What is going on with the two of you is abuse - And staying in the situation solely if you feel stuck, or he won't move, isn't going to make it change - There are laws on your side - It might take time, but trust me, they will make him move if you proceed through the courts - If you continue to let him take advantage of you, then it is only going to hurt you more, escalate, and effect your son - even if you don't see it now, you will - You can't live in an environment with that tension without it affecting you.

You have to be the shepard of your own destiny - If you and Craig love each other, and he wants to work on things - then it's way past time for him to man up - maybe he didn't have any serious relationships before you, responsibilities, etc.... Tough shyt - he has them now - And you need to stand up for what you and your son deserve and push him to accept them - If he doesn't want to - then he needs to go - but if he loves you, he needs to Man up. It's easy to enable someone and make excuses - I know, I have done it myself -

But you deserve so so much better than this -

[SupportOAFJF 0]

I have been there as well. With my ex he would not leave either. I did put up with it to an extent because I didn't have anywhere else to go. The lease was in my name and I wasn't going to move out and let him stay there so he could not pay the rent. I would have to end up paying it anyways. But as soon as that lease was up I was out!

exactly....there has to be some kind of ending point..when this happens I will do this..i'm not gonna sit around and maybe hope that things will change..nope, nope

Well I will be honest I did sit there for awhile hoping that he would change. I didn't want to say to myself down the road if I would have been more patient or given it more time could things have been different. I was feeling guilting regarding the divorce and my daughter. I didn't want her to grow up having her parents divorced. But I did a lot of soul searching and realized it wasn't going to change and that it is time to move on. He wasn't there for me and he wasn't being a father to our daughter either. Then I finally realized the BEST thing I could do for her was to get a divorce. This did not happen overnight and it took me a long time after we even separated to take the ring off. I guess I went through it in stages.

Thnx for that Dillon

[*JG* 2]

Then, put yourself in Luv's shoes. Cause you are all at the beginning or middle of it. All the expenses of phone calls, trips, the visa, etc. The entire long difficult process. The hopes so damn high in the beginning. As things are unfolding, you fight for the marriage, as you argue. You can't believe it isn't working out like you envisioned. That after it all, he isn't trying so much harder.

To give up after all of that has to be extrememely difficult. Of course you are hoping he will change along the way. Baby steps, I think, Dillon.

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

I have been there as well. With my ex he would not leave either. I did put up with it to an extent because I didn't have anywhere else to go. The lease was in my name and I wasn't going to move out and let him stay there so he could not pay the rent. I would have to end up paying it anyways. But as soon as that lease was up I was out!

exactly....there has to be some kind of ending point..when this happens I will do this..i'm not gonna sit around and maybe hope that things will change..nope, nope

Well I will be honest I did sit there for awhile hoping that he would change. I didn't want to say to myself down the road if I would have been more patient or given it more time could things have been different. I was feeling guilting regarding the divorce and my daughter. I didn't want her to grow up having her parents divorced. But I did a lot of soul searching and realized it wasn't going to change and that it is time to move on. He wasn't there for me and he wasn't being a father to our daughter either. Then I finally realized the BEST thing I could do for her was to get a divorce. This did not happen overnight and it took me a long time after we even separated to take the ring off. I guess I went through it in stages.

DILLON that's me, it took me 5 years, but I found my way out (some women NEVER do). I realized myself WORTH and I also had those feelings of guilt and my son being able to see his dad everyday, but I had to fix me first, then fix the situation and that's what I did. I choose to let go and move on, bettah must come in any form.

[*JG* 2]

Hey Dillon....keep forgetting to tell you every time I drive down Chouteau towards Broadway, I pass a street named Dillon. Think about you all the time.

[SupportOAFJF 0]

Sorry heck no..it will eventually cost more...like i said there comes a point when u KNOW that this it..Luv has mentioned she is over it..there is no more holding on..none..We have no house, no children NOTHING..no respect..nothing...there is no more holding on..And ppl don't just change it is what it is..it has been 2 1/2 yrs for Kelly..maybe they need to separate, still speak to each other and such..maybe this way he/she will see things a little more clearer..I don't know.but it's just not acceptable..and though I am not her friend I can ask her please let go..she has all these emotions..it's sad..and though not her friend i do want to see her happy..and i would support her leaving right now..we can try again..later

[dillon 6]

I have been there as well. With my ex he would not leave either. I did put up with it to an extent because I didn't have anywhere else to go. The lease was in my name and I wasn't going to move out and let him stay there so he could not pay the rent. I would have to end up paying it anyways. But as soon as that lease was up I was out!

exactly....there has to be some kind of ending point..when this happens I will do this..i'm not gonna sit around and maybe hope that things will change..nope, nope

Well I will be honest I did sit there for awhile hoping that he would change. I didn't want to say to myself down the road if I would have been more patient or given it more time could things have been different. I was feeling guilting regarding the divorce and my daughter. I didn't want her to grow up having her parents divorced. But I did a lot of soul searching and realized it wasn't going to change and that it is time to move on. He wasn't there for me and he wasn't being a father to our daughter either. Then I finally realized the BEST thing I could do for her was to get a divorce. This did not happen overnight and it took me a long time after we even separated to take the ring off. I guess I went through it in stages.

DILLON that's me, it took me 5 years, but I found my way out (some women NEVER do). I realized myself WORTH and I also had those feelings of guilt and my son being able to see his dad everyday, but I had to fix me first, then fix the situation and that's what I did. I choose to let go and move on, bettah must come in any form.

And why does it have to take so long for us to see our self worth! I think my saying was just that Tre...anything is better than this and that is when I started coming up with a plan to get out.

[dillon 6]

Hey Dillon....keep forgetting to tell you every time I drive down Chouteau towards Broadway, I pass a street named Dillon. Think about you all the time.

Awww....I think I have seen that street. LOL!

[SupportOAFJF 0]

Thnx for that Sus...

Kelly, just for the record I am not judging you..I hate to see things like this ..I want u be take control and make a decision..

Remember those happy days u had..don't u want them back..

[sus 70]

DILLON that's me, it took me 5 years, but I found my way out (some women NEVER do). I realized myself WORTH and I also had those feelings of guilt and my son being able to see his dad everyday, but I had to fix me first, then fix the situation and that's what I did. I choose to let go and move on, bettah must come in any form.

And why does it have to take so long for us to see our self worth! I think my saying was just that Tre...anything is better than this and that is when I started coming up with a plan to get out.

I think it is so hard to see your self worth when someone else is beating it down - and I don't only mean in the physical sense - You keep wanting to see the good that you fell in love with, and you get glimpses of it - and it rekindles the hope that the relationship will be what you want it to be - It's a really really hard decision to make that it will never be -

I always said that I grew up watching my grandparents, married for over 50 yrs - and my parents, who almost divorced (actually filed and then worked it out) and that taught me that love will conquer all. I had a really hard time admitting that there are things that love can't conquer - And if both parties aren't equally vested into making it work, it will never happen - no matter how much you want it. It took 3 years after the split for my ex and I to talk again - and then it was a bumpy road for a while - Now, I don't talk to him all the time, but I can honestly say I will always love him and he will always love me - we are just not in love with each other or meant to be together - He will say the same.

[dillon 6]

Thnx for that Sus...

Kelly, just for the record I am not judging you..I hate to see things like this ..I want u be take control and make a decision..

Remember those happy days u had..don't u want them back..

I agree Kimmy...I think she needs tostop living in limbo. Take your life back and be happy..sure it is going to be hard. Just getting him out of the house will be hard...

[*JG* 2]

Thnx for that Sus...

Kelly, just for the record I am not judging you..I hate to see things like this ..I want u be take control and make a decision..

Remember those happy days u had..don't u want them back..

I agree Kimmy...I think she needs tostop living in limbo. Take your life back and be happy..sure it is going to be hard. Just getting him out of the house will be hard...

That's true. Joint ownership. If one doesn't want to go, the other HAS to or suck it up.