Adjustment to the United States

[JaHoney 3]

LOL.,, thanks shem, he swears since he turned 16 he is now supposed to be consulted about household decisions and such, and always got something smart to say...LOL

[JaHoney 3]

nite ladies, nyquil is kicking in..time to go to bed

[shrewdgal 0]

....

He says his rapper name is Konscious MC...LOL

Whoever wants him, i will have his bags packed and ready and waiting...LOL

Honey- he looks just like you

[PortlandAngel 0]

Portland, you meet your husband in Jamaica last year on 2/27. I got married in Jamaica last year on 2/27/2008.

Well actually it was on the 2/28 but since last year was a leap year it would be 365 days on the 2/27 when he first asked me out...

Why is everyone posting under two seperate threads? This is so confusing.....

It is confusing, this thread is suppose to be for adjustment story...

[Marlita 0]

marlita- thank you for sharing your experiences!!!!

was your hubby reluctent(sp) to go to counseling?

did you have to talk him *into* it, or was he a-ok with it?

i want pre-marriage counseling but D looks at me like im crazy- im not giving up though

No he was ok about going. He didnt want to go to seperate counseling, cause he thought that would mean that he has a problem and is seeing a "shrink", but he thought if we went together as a couple it would mean we are working on the marriage. I suggested seperate at first thinking that maybe he would be more comfy and open to talk if i was not there. But we got a guy who is very relative to Evan. He lived in JA and knows what its like to move from the Carribean and he was just such the perfect fit for us.

[clairern 0]

So, yesterday we were on our way to pick up Tahlia from the sitter and Kimora from school...and I was talking to hubby about some of the adjustment stories we share..and we both said at the same time ..u know i'm glad we don't argue like we used, about foolishness..no joke we used to argue b/c he talked to kimora in a way i didn't like or he would listen to foolish advice from his mother..and he said to me..picking u up from the dentist the other day, my life flashed before my eyes..and i realized i need you in my life..can't imagine it now w/o u..lmao..he's crazy..b/c he realized that i might get sick one day where he had to take care of me and hold down things...

we took sometime to get back to this point after leaving JA..i'm happy now he we are finally in a happy place..love that man...

I remember when you used to write about this. I am so very happy that you guys have grown so much together.

[luvtravlin 0]

ok, so I know that I am posting alot right now, but I've finally got a slow day at work and this topic is very interesting to me. Not all the drama in it, but the actual story sharing.

Anyway...I've noticed that in most ALL the stories that everyone shared when speaking of the things they did for their husband so he could "adjust" were all fundamental things. I.E, give him bus schedules, show him barbers, JA food spots, parks, buying certain foods, helping with a job search, etc. However, I did not hear anyone mention any emotional or nurturing support. I mention this cause I too fall a victim of giving lots of fundamental support with less emotional support. This was actually pointed out to me this weekend by a Christian counselor that Evan and I talk to. (I'm telling you all, counseling is the best! Go there BEFORE you start to have issues and needs for it). Anyway. I realized that I was doing all these "things' for my husband but what he really needed in this move was lots of nuturing support. Sometimes he's just sad or angry or lonely and all he wants is ME. Not more JA food, or someone to speak patois with all day, or more reggae music, or whatever. He says he just wants me to be his rock when he gets in these down times. And he wants to be able to look back at the down time and remember that it was ME that helped him out of it, by just giving him affection and love and a nurturing word or two. Beyond that he says having all that other stuff like buying him certain clothes and shoes or food he likes means absoulutely nothing. Its not the adjustment of the US thats hard its the adjustment of only having ONE PERSON that you are supposed to look to to give you emotional support. He's in a new country and newly married. Who does he talk to when down? Who does he look to for a hug or to hold him? Who is supposed to say they love you to him? Who is supposed to cheer him up when down? Make him happy when sad? ME! Its a HUGE job for me. Cause its a person who is very emotionally needy at the time cause they have no one else. He has no friends or family here. So he needs to get all the emotional support he got from them from me now. I was so worried about making his transition smooth with all the fundamental stuff, that I started really forgetting the emotional stuff. I started to think he was not appreciative, but what I realize is that he was really in a bad predicament and it was up to me to help him through it. But thats a marriage right? So of course its a new adjustment for me to learn to be that person. So thats where we clashed. He had all these needs that were not being met, even though I thought I was giving him so much. But I just didnt know that I wasnt giving him the one thing he wanted the most, and he was resentful to me for not giving it to him.

Its really an eye opener, but helps me to see that once we really start to learn each other, we can really have such a wonderful future together if we stay on track and keep each other as the #1 priority.

Ok, I'll get off my soap box now, cause I know folks say I need to sit down all the time/.

I have given over and beyond emotional time to Craig. We've spent hours upon hours upon hours talking...staying up late, talking & crying. Craig gets very emotional....because I've said to him over and over again, it's OKAY to feel emotion and show me. We used to light the candles and a bottle of wine and some nice music and just TALK, but....our relationship has changed....and adding to that being a full-time parent (father is not in the picture, never has been) to a teenager with sometimes 7 days a week soccer, traveling on the weekends for soccer, school and owning a business and working a pt-time job......where's "MY" emotional time ? Where is the "me" ? I remember Gill asked that question a year or so ago....when is it about "us" (the USC)? He learned ALOT in his anger management and then another counseling course he's had for the past year. It opened up his eyes alot. I would go to counseling and so would Craig, there is just not enough time in the day to fit it all in....sorry if that's being selfish, but....I can't do it.

If I would have known what I know now, I would have soooooooooooo gone to a counselor before we got married, but I was in la-la land and being in love. There is not enough time in 90 days....period !

I've never been married and I never wanted to get married....but I wanted to be with Craig for the rest of my life. I don't necessarily want to get divorced, but...

Craig and I get along GREAT, when it's good it's excellent, when it's bad, it's HORRIBLE !!! I'd say lately....more good than bad, but I'm just not feeling it anymore. There hasn't been any trust for awhile and that's hard to get back.

As in being a parent, you know when your child needs that extra quality time, it's the exact same way with the other half. When Craig is here everyday, I never ever ever get work done, because we're just constantly talking about just stuff.

It's when Craig is just plain immature and stupid ......

I NEVER tell my son that Craig is "bad", never. I'm not like that at all. Just like I would never tell him his father is "bad", because I don't know his father to be that way. His father was an awesome guy, whether or not he chose not to be in his life....it's his loss. I remind Austin that a man is not supposed to this and that and at 15 he does understand. We have a great relationship, yes it sucks when Craig acts like a jerkoff and immature in front of him, but ... I tell Austin if he ever needs to speak with me, a school counselor or school pyschologist we always have our doors open. My son talks to be about everything.

For the parents out there ....you know, you divide your time. If it was only me and Craig....things would be different, but my son comes 1st and foremost always!!!

[clairern 0]

Island woman, what Nannygirl posted was very good, you can't isolated anyone and think that they will just fit into your environment.

At the time I wanted him to find his on way so to speak, and really didn't think I had to show him. Looking back I guess maybe I did.

About the marrying into a white family. When we first got together this was NEVER an issue, until he came here. Then it became an issue whenever we went to Church or just to visit my family. He said he felt "uncomfortable". I am not sure why this came out all of a sudden, and the best part was when he said I was racist. For him this became an issue, not sure why and never got a real answer.

I very much think this was because he for once was a minority. In JA, he as a Black person or Jamaican person is a majority. You become very self....aware once you are around people different from you. Just them being White will make him aware that he is different. They may not have an issue with him whatsoever, but he has an issue with it. I had an issue with it when i went to college. First time around White people and I was the minority. It was very eye opening to see all the differences in us. Not just our skin, and speech, but our goals and history and dreams and so much more.

I can see this as well, Marlita - I know, just from my own experiences, that is an adjustment and something that takes getting used to - I can remember going to a step show with my friends and being the only white person - My friends acted normal towards me, but I felt wierd - it's hard to explain.

I understand. When my mom tried to send me to Walla Walla College in Walla Walla RASS Washington state, I felt completely out of place. Same when I went to a wedding in (let me see if I can get the town right) Beaver Creek, Montana (don't laugh), all eyes were on me, while I felt out of place and uncomfortable, I didn't dwell on it, I was there to support my friends at their wedding.

I get this feeling too Lawny.. I work with a lot of white people (majority) and I was invited to one of the girl's wedding and felt so out of place there even though my co-workers were also there with me. During the honk tonk reception a lady walked over to me and asked me who I knew of it was the bride or groom, I laughed and said the bride. The band was playing some real good music and I was dancing up a storm and the band leader came and pulled me out of the crown onto the dancefloor to show them my moves. I was still uncomfortable but I had a blast.

[clairern 0]

OMG you have definitely put another perspective into my relationship...me and hubby haven't had any really bad tiffs like that but the tiffs that we did have i can honestly say it may be because i am not showing him any nurturing attention...the other day hubby was not speaking to me and i haven't had a clue why and i was getting mad at him and he was just saying he wanted to be alone and just didn't want to talk so i was getting mad at him and just telling him off that i can't believe he not talking to me and blah blah when i should of just been easy and realize that it is probably hitting home right now that he is not in his own terrority and he doesn't really have control over anything right now...I'm going to go home and give hubby and big hug... ...and you better sit back up right now...

You know, I really think this is a big issue. I am such a culprit of this and I felt horrible once I realized thats been a big part of our problem. Evan did and still does that same thing....gets in a "funk" as i call it. It would make me so mad and I'd get upset and stubborn and think..."we'll just be in yo funk then!" But I really think its him not having anyone but me to talk to at times. Being bored at home all day. People here are not friendly and he just needs alot of support right now. He has gotten so much better since working and school and his one friend and my sis' fiance. He really had no one but me and I didnt even realize that I was not giving him the attention he needed at the time. So I really make a conscious effort to ask about his day and how he's doing, and giving him hugs and kisses and saying I love you and that I appreciate the little things he has been doing for me since being here. His attitude has changed so much now.

Marlita.....WOW....Mike told me that I emotionally abandoned him and I never understood him. I gues I now see where he was coming from. The only thing was that he did not show me any either, so it escalated and he left. Thanks for sharing your situation with us. I will remember this always and used it in my next relationshp. (If there is another) lol

One thing I also feel is that he was not dedicated enough to want to work on it. Another draw back is when they have family here and can run to them or talk on the phone and get negative influences.

Edited February 11, 2009 by clairern

[shrewdgal 0]

If I would have known what I know now, I would have soooooooooooo gone to a counselor before we got married, but I was in la-la land and being in love. There is not enough time in 90 days....period !

I've never been married and I never wanted to get married....but I wanted to be with Craig for the rest of my life. I don't necessarily want to get divorced, but...

but..shouldnt the decision have already been made? Like, didn't you decide you wanted to marry him BEFORE you said yes to the proposal?

We had a little pre marital counseling before we got married, but I agree with you that it would have been great to have more.

[Islandwoman 0]

LOL.,, thanks shem, he swears since he turned 16 he is now supposed to be consulted about household decisions and such, and always got something smart to say...LOL

Ahh Honey..he's just trying to be the man of the house. What a sweetie.

[Marlita 0]

OMG you have definitely put another perspective into my relationship...me and hubby haven't had any really bad tiffs like that but the tiffs that we did have i can honestly say it may be because i am not showing him any nurturing attention...the other day hubby was not speaking to me and i haven't had a clue why and i was getting mad at him and he was just saying he wanted to be alone and just didn't want to talk so i was getting mad at him and just telling him off that i can't believe he not talking to me and blah blah when i should of just been easy and realize that it is probably hitting home right now that he is not in his own terrority and he doesn't really have control over anything right now...I'm going to go home and give hubby and big hug... ...and you better sit back up right now...

You know, I really think this is a big issue. I am such a culprit of this and I felt horrible once I realized thats been a big part of our problem. Evan did and still does that same thing....gets in a "funk" as i call it. It would make me so mad and I'd get upset and stubborn and think..."we'll just be in yo funk then!" But I really think its him not having anyone but me to talk to at times. Being bored at home all day. People here are not friendly and he just needs alot of support right now. He has gotten so much better since working and school and his one friend and my sis' fiance. He really had no one but me and I didnt even realize that I was not giving him the attention he needed at the time. So I really make a conscious effort to ask about his day and how he's doing, and giving him hugs and kisses and saying I love you and that I appreciate the little things he has been doing for me since being here. His attitude has changed so much now.

Marlita.....WOW....Mike told me that I emotionally abandoned him and I never understood him. I gues I now see where he was coming from. The only thing was that he did not show me any either, so it escalated and he left. Thanks for sharing your situation with us. I will remember this always and used it in my next relationshp. (If there is another) lol

One thing I also feel is that he was not dedicated enough to want to work on it. Another draw back is when they have family here and can run to them or talk on the phone and get negative influences.

You know, this has been told to me (not being emotionally supportive) by past partners, but I never really got it til now. So I know this is an issue on my end that will lead to destruction if I do not get it together. I am glad that Evan is able to show me support despite me showing it to him all the time. But now that I am made aware of what he is looking for I know what I need to do.

[Marlita 0]

LuvTrav,

To me, it sounds like you are battling staying with this man or not. Or either you are still in love with him, or you are too scared to leave, or something. Its just all very confusing , your story. Dont get me wrong, big ups for putting the story out there and being commited to the realtionship and all, but what move are you trying to make? In the course of your posts I hear you saying how you cant deal with Craig and what him gone, but you love him but dont love him anymore. That he is just not getting it, but majority of the times are good now. You also say that you never wanted to get married yet dont want to divorce someone you do not love and who does not love you? I am just so confused as to what you are still doing in this situation. I understand that you may not talk "bad" to your 15yr old about Craig, but like you said he is old enough to get it. He knows that Craig is not the most best of people. And he also knows that Craig still stays there in your home. Does this not make him uncomfortable, or send him a confusing signal? My concern is truly for your son who you say does not know his birth father, and his moms husband does not even sleep in the same bedroom as she. I just think it could be quite damaging for him to grow up in what is a dysfunctional family unit, only for the reason of you not wanting to get some paperwork done to dissolve your marriage. Once the marriage is done, wont it be easy to just kick Craig out? Why do you allow him to stay there still? Is there some sort of financial hold up? I am just really confused by your relationship. I think this is why people are not sure how to take your comments on Jamaicans and such. Your case seems very extreme, and not because he is Jamaican, but because of his personality and your personality just dont fit. Dont matter if you were German and he Italian.

[*JG* 2]

LuvTrav,

To me, it sounds like you are battling staying with this man or not. Or either you are still in love with him, or you are too scared to leave, or something. Its just all very confusing , your story. Dont get me wrong, big ups for putting the story out there and being commited to the realtionship and all, but what move are you trying to make? In the course of your posts I hear you saying how you cant deal with Craig and what him gone, but you love him but dont love him anymore. That he is just not getting it, but majority of the times are good now. You also say that you never wanted to get married yet dont want to divorce someone you do not love and who does not love you? I am just so confused as to what you are still doing in this situation. I understand that you may not talk "bad" to your 15yr old about Craig, but like you said he is old enough to get it. He knows that Craig is not the most best of people. And he also knows that Craig still stays there in your home. Does this not make him uncomfortable, or send him a confusing signal? My concern is truly for your son who you say does not know his birth father, and his moms husband does not even sleep in the same bedroom as she. I just think it could be quite damaging for him to grow up in what is a dysfunctional family unit, only for the reason of you not wanting to get some paperwork done to dissolve your marriage. Once the marriage is done, wont it be easy to just kick Craig out? Why do you allow him to stay there still? Is there some sort of financial hold up? I am just really confused by your relationship. I think this is why people are not sure how to take your comments on Jamaicans and such. Your case seems very extreme, and not because he is Jamaican, but because of his personality and your personality just dont fit. Dont matter if you were German and he Italian.

You can love someone with out being able to live with them. And, you can love someone without really liking them.

[shrewdgal 0]

LuvTrav,

To me, it sounds like you are battling staying with this man or not. Or either you are still in love with him, or you are too scared to leave, or something. Its just all very confusing , your story. Dont get me wrong, big ups for putting the story out there and being commited to the realtionship and all, but what move are you trying to make? In the course of your posts I hear you saying how you cant deal with Craig and what him gone, but you love him but dont love him anymore. That he is just not getting it, but majority of the times are good now. You also say that you never wanted to get married yet dont want to divorce someone you do not love and who does not love you? I am just so confused as to what you are still doing in this situation. I understand that you may not talk "bad" to your 15yr old about Craig, but like you said he is old enough to get it. He knows that Craig is not the most best of people. And he also knows that Craig still stays there in your home. Does this not make him uncomfortable, or send him a confusing signal? My concern is truly for your son who you say does not know his birth father, and his moms husband does not even sleep in the same bedroom as she. I just think it could be quite damaging for him to grow up in what is a dysfunctional family unit, only for the reason of you not wanting to get some paperwork done to dissolve your marriage. Once the marriage is done, wont it be easy to just kick Craig out? Why do you allow him to stay there still? Is there some sort of financial hold up? I am just really confused by your relationship. I think this is why people are not sure how to take your comments on Jamaicans and such. Your case seems very extreme, and not because he is Jamaican, but because of his personality and your personality just dont fit. Dont matter if you were German and he Italian.

You can love someone with out being able to live with them. And, you can love someone without really liking them.

yeah but if you didnt want to live with them and didnt like them..wouldnt you want to be separate from them?