Adjustment to the United States

[sus 70]

Island woman, what Nannygirl posted was very good, you can't isolated anyone and think that they will just fit into your environment.

At the time I wanted him to find his on way so to speak, and really didn't think I had to show him. Looking back I guess maybe I did.

About the marrying into a white family. When we first got together this was NEVER an issue, until he came here. Then it became an issue whenever we went to Church or just to visit my family. He said he felt "uncomfortable". I am not sure why this came out all of a sudden, and the best part was when he said I was racist. For him this became an issue, not sure why and never got a real answer.

I very much think this was because he for once was a minority. In JA, he as a Black person or Jamaican person is a majority. You become very self....aware once you are around people different from you. Just them being White will make him aware that he is different. They may not have an issue with him whatsoever, but he has an issue with it. I had an issue with it when i went to college. First time around White people and I was the minority. It was very eye opening to see all the differences in us. Not just our skin, and speech, but our goals and history and dreams and so much more.

I can see this as well, Marlita - I know, just from my own experiences, that is an adjustment and something that takes getting used to - I can remember going to a step show with my friends and being the only white person - My friends acted normal towards me, but I felt wierd - it's hard to explain.

[luvtravlin 0]

There were to many that I wanted to respond to, so I'm going to try in one shot....and I wasn't going to...but...

First...there WAS loads of love in my relationship with Craig. He still loves the heck out of me, tells me all the time, tries his best to show me, but with all the things that have happened, just don't feel that I need to hurt again by it all.

Second....Shauna and I are the best of friends, we've been in each others company many maaaaany times during and after they've broken up. We all had the best of times and looking back, can't even begin to tell you why that Craig AND Mike acted the way they did (do) !!

My parents are VERY racist, always have been, but for me, I like/love a person (man/woman) for who they are, not because of the color of their flippin skin. My sons friends, and they are all black or asian/black, freak out because "I" listen to "their" music. I love Reggae and Jamaica more than Craig sometimes feels. My apartment is filled with Caribbean stuff and has been that way waaaaay before Craig came into the picture.

When Craig came here, I investigated Black barbers and razors things, Jamaican restaurants, music, etc etc. I took him on a Reggae Sail as a suprise for our wedding gift. Within the 1st week of him getting here I took him out to hang with my friends and see my friends Reggae band and they welcomed him with opened arms ....as ALL of my friends have/did.

Craig was never one to go out and party, still doesn't. He's never been to a club by himself in the 2 1/2 years living here, we go out together, but not as much.

Craig was never the jealous type until, for whatever reasons, he got here. I have maaaany male friends and he knows each and every one of them, but I also have a ton of male friends in Jamaica and he knows that to, because I've introduced him to them all.

Craig and I talk ALLL the time, that's one of the things that I love about our relationship is we communicate ALLLL the time, now....sometimes he'll hold things over my head....um, that's part of immaturity on his part.

Yes, Craig is younger than me....but when I met him I thought he was older, just the way he carried himself and from the people he surrounded himself with. Here..totally different story.

This entire process is a LEARNING process and Craig (and many others that "I" KNOW OF) still do not get it!! I tell Craig all the time that you should be learning from your mistakes and never make those mistakes again, but that just doesn't seem to flippin sink in !

I've sat down with him, showed him budget, money, bank, books, newspapers, resumes, broken out maps, showed bus routes, areas where he can go, places where he can visit...shoot he knows more about my area than I do and I'm from here. I helped him try to find jobs, dag...I've done it all as we all do, but when do you stop "teaching" and showing??? Comes a point, right ?

We live in an area that is ALL Asian/Muslim, never used to be that way, but has become that way....my son is the minority at the bus stop! We live in the richest county in the Nation, where racism is around us everyday!

Craig said to me this morning, that when he went to Philly & New York this weekend, he does not like it there. It's to busy for him, he likes the quiet...we're not out in the middle of east bum...but he has become self sufficient in getting himself around and doesn't complain about taking the bus anymore, but we had those battles for a long time!!

Like I've said....a thousand times, there are sooooooooooooooooooo many things that you (newbies) don't think of that they need to learn ....just like the breath that comes out of their mouths in the cold, thinking it's warm outside (in the winter) just because the sun is shining. Turning off lights, radio, etc etc....and leaving without thinking that's sucking up the electricity. Paying bills and on time. Groceries are way more expensive. Some of us don't have a JA grocery store us the street. For Craig, there's never ever been an issue with food. He loves American food all the same. Yes he misses JA food, but doesn't whine and cry about it! Now that we have a Golden Krust up the street...."I" love it and go there more than he does !!

Yes, Craig has been abusive, I guess you want to call that, never verbally... and he tried to lay a hand on me ONCE and I took action with that. I will never ever tolerate a "man" living in my house that's abusive. He received the help he needed and it helped ....and he learned from that. He tries to get loud, still.....but I'm the calm one.

So....question, if YOU (anyone) were to "go through what I've gone through"....do YOU pick up and move out of a place where YOU have lived for 11 yrs, move your child/children to a new school and new friends, move to a different soccer club and give up everything YOU have had and known.......NO, the man should leave !!!! and that's the thing Craig won't do and I have no way of "getting him to"!! Oh, I could let him beat me up, call the cops and go that route...

I told him today, cause he's been reading everything that has been going on and said.....he said that HE has changed since coming here. He knows that...now fix it and get it back to the way it was...with or without me !!!

SOME of these guys are very much influenced by their "friends" and "cousins" as I've said a million times before. It's a battle that's constantly going on. Craig has to learn wrong...himself, part of "growing up" and it SUCKS that as a "man" ...he's starting fresh, so to speak.

I've been friends with many of the women on this site for 4-5 years now and the ones that I'm close with, we have ALL gone through the major BS that maybe SOME of you haven't....and that's awesome. Trust me, I would HATE to have anyone go through this. The veterans that don't come on here anymore, don't because it's just like how it used to be 4-5 yrs ago. We used to share, cry and embrace each other ...good, bad or ugly, not nowadays, it's like a piece of meat being thrown into a cage !!!

God has a plan for everyone................for whatever reason, we (me and Craig) are still on a path..... to ???

Luvtrav, I have to reply to you, there is nothing that you have stated her, that I have not hear from girlfriends whom have dated and married the man next door. These issues are not uncommon, no they are not right. But many a woman, white/black/yellow married to their man from their back yard have experienced this. What I am getting from this is that Craig is not ready for marriage, he thought he was, but he still have to grow. And you are looking for someone who has gone thru these stages, you are tired of teaching. This doesn't make either one of you a bad person, it just says you'll are not ready to be a couple. You want more and he doesn't know how to give that more.

I couldn't have said this any better. Craig has never been in a serious/monogamous relationship...adding on to the learning to be in one AND get married in 90 days. Ninety days is NOT enough time ...period. We got married on the 89th day.

We talk about this all the time, I know that he isn't ready and I tell him that it's okay, it really is...but...if you truly are ready than you HAVE to work on it and yourself!! You are not a punk little kid that doesn't have responsibilities like your cousins and friends, so man the f-k up !!

I agree wholeheartedly that he has to grow....we had this exact conversation last night...and I told him shoot...it could be years down the road that we may end up together, just right now.....we're not on the same page! He doesn't seem to get it, he says...that "I" am the one he loves and cares for....but ....it's just all so frustrating and confusing!!!

I don't "hide" my relationship from my parents and I've said this numerous times in the past. I'm just not open with it to my parents because of the fact my parents could give a rats a&& what I do with my life. I've gone on 3 trips out of the country since Sept and have not told them once and they haven't asked. We have never been close and that's not going to change now that they are 67 & 72 yrs old !! They've met Craig ...and still didn't put 2 and 2 together. If they want to know who he really is, they can ask....I'm not offering, if you knew them you would feel the same way. Craig, at first wasn't okay with it, but he's soooo over that since he knows what type of folk they are !!!

I've sent my parents on 2 cruise in the past year, they will NOT get off the ship and tour in a "black" (so to speak) country !!! It's sad, truly is...my parents don't take public transportation ...because of the "blackness" of it and they FREAK when they find out that I take my son everywhere and let him experience alllll types of places, people, etc. They won't ever look at my trips to Jamaica and/or Barbados! They almost fell over dead when my friend (who has dreads...that I've known for a long time from Jamaica) went over to shake their hand and introduce himself !!!

My parents are going to be moving to Delaware within the next 6 months after living in the same house since '74. They live 6 miles from me now and I can count on 2 fingers how many times I've seen them in the past 3-4 months. We, even my brother & sister and I, are just not close, used to be......and ya can't help who and what family you're born into !!

Life goes on and I deal with it the best that I know how to. I'm not a depressed and sad person, I live life everyday to the fullest and those that are in my life and know me, know that. I have a ton of people to bounce stuff off of. Craig can pick up the phone and call any one of my friends.... I can't do the same. I'm very close to his mother and we talk all of the time.

I would HIGHLY recommend marriage/couples counseling for anyone !!! We just unfortunately don't have the extra money ! Sucks....but we'd be all over that in a heartbeat !

Thank god I am a travel agent and get to take full advantage of the perks of being in this field....hence getting OUT of the country to rejuvenate !!! It's awesome feeling coming back HAPPY ;o) !

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

Island woman, what Nannygirl posted was very good, you can't isolated anyone and think that they will just fit into your environment.

At the time I wanted him to find his on way so to speak, and really didn't think I had to show him. Looking back I guess maybe I did.

About the marrying into a white family. When we first got together this was NEVER an issue, until he came here. Then it became an issue whenever we went to Church or just to visit my family. He said he felt "uncomfortable". I am not sure why this came out all of a sudden, and the best part was when he said I was racist. For him this became an issue, not sure why and never got a real answer.

I very much think this was because he for once was a minority. In JA, he as a Black person or Jamaican person is a majority. You become very self....aware once you are around people different from you. Just them being White will make him aware that he is different. They may not have an issue with him whatsoever, but he has an issue with it. I had an issue with it when i went to college. First time around White people and I was the minority. It was very eye opening to see all the differences in us. Not just our skin, and speech, but our goals and history and dreams and so much more.

I can see this as well, Marlita - I know, just from my own experiences, that is an adjustment and something that takes getting used to - I can remember going to a step show with my friends and being the only white person - My friends acted normal towards me, but I felt wierd - it's hard to explain.

I understand. When my mom tried to send me to Walla Walla College in Walla Walla RASS Washington state, I felt completely out of place. Same when I went to a wedding in (let me see if I can get the town right) Beaver Creek, Montana (don't laugh), all eyes were on me, while I felt out of place and uncomfortable, I didn't dwell on it, I was there to support my friends at their wedding.

[luvtravlin 0]

Island woman, what Nannygirl posted was very good, you can't isolated anyone and think that they will just fit into your environment.

At the time I wanted him to find his on way so to speak, and really didn't think I had to show him. Looking back I guess maybe I did.

About the marrying into a white family. When we first got together this was NEVER an issue, until he came here. Then it became an issue whenever we went to Church or just to visit my family. He said he felt "uncomfortable". I am not sure why this came out all of a sudden, and the best part was when he said I was racist. For him this became an issue, not sure why and never got a real answer.

I very much think this was because he for once was a minority. In JA, he as a Black person or Jamaican person is a majority. You become very self....aware once you are around people different from you. Just them being White will make him aware that he is different. They may not have an issue with him whatsoever, but he has an issue with it. I had an issue with it when i went to college. First time around White people and I was the minority. It was very eye opening to see all the differences in us. Not just our skin, and speech, but our goals and history and dreams and so much more.

I can see this as well, Marlita - I know, just from my own experiences, that is an adjustment and something that takes getting used to - I can remember going to a step show with my friends and being the only white person - My friends acted normal towards me, but I felt wierd - it's hard to explain.

I understand. When my mom tried to send me to Walla Walla College in Walla Walla RASS Washington state, I felt completely out of place. Same when I went to a wedding in (let me see if I can get the town right) Beaver Creek, Montana (don't laugh), all eyes were on me, while I felt out of place and uncomfortable, I didn't dwell on it, I was there to support my friends at their wedding.

Craig's family has never been around a white person and it was very cool hanging with his little cousins, touching my hair, my face, speaking...it's neat to show others that we ALL are human !!! When I went to Kingston and only saw a very few white folk, I could care less. I'm comfortable in my own skin.

Now...send me to my Jamaican friends house in Baltimore City (rough part)...um, nope. I'm a little scared there ! But he says...we're one people !

[LIFE'SJOURNEY 970]

There were to many that I wanted to respond to, so I'm going to try in one shot....and I wasn't going to...but...

First...there WAS loads of love in my relationship with Craig. He still loves the heck out of me, tells me all the time, tries his best to show me, but with all the things that have happened, just don't feel that I need to hurt again by it all.

Second....Shauna and I are the best of friends, we've been in each others company many maaaaany times during and after they've broken up. We all had the best of times and looking back, can't even begin to tell you why that Craig AND Mike acted the way they did (do) !!

My parents are VERY racist, always have been, but for me, I like/love a person (man/woman) for who they are, not because of the color of their flippin skin. My sons friends, and they are all black or asian/black, freak out because "I" listen to "their" music. I love Reggae and Jamaica more than Craig sometimes feels. My apartment is filled with Caribbean stuff and has been that way waaaaay before Craig came into the picture.

When Craig came here, I investigated Black barbers and razors things, Jamaican restaurants, music, etc etc. I took him on a Reggae Sail as a suprise for our wedding gift. Within the 1st week of him getting here I took him out to hang with my friends and see my friends Reggae band and they welcomed him with opened arms ....as ALL of my friends have/did.

Craig was never one to go out and party, still doesn't. He's never been to a club by himself in the 2 1/2 years living here, we go out together, but not as much.

Craig was never the jealous type until, for whatever reasons, he got here. I have maaaany male friends and he knows each and every one of them, but I also have a ton of male friends in Jamaica and he knows that to, because I've introduced him to them all.

Craig and I talk ALLL the time, that's one of the things that I love about our relationship is we communicate ALLLL the time, now....sometimes he'll hold things over my head....um, that's part of immaturity on his part.

Yes, Craig is younger than me....but when I met him I thought he was older, just the way he carried himself and from the people he surrounded himself with. Here..totally different story.

This entire process is a LEARNING process and Craig (and many others that "I" KNOW OF) still do not get it!! I tell Craig all the time that you should be learning from your mistakes and never make those mistakes again, but that just doesn't seem to flippin sink in !

I've sat down with him, showed him budget, money, bank, books, newspapers, resumes, broken out maps, showed bus routes, areas where he can go, places where he can visit...shoot he knows more about my area than I do and I'm from here. I helped him try to find jobs, dag...I've done it all as we all do, but when do you stop "teaching" and showing??? Comes a point, right ?

We live in an area that is ALL Asian/Muslim, never used to be that way, but has become that way....my son is the minority at the bus stop! We live in the richest county in the Nation, where racism is around us everyday!

Craig said to me this morning, that when he went to Philly & New York this weekend, he does not like it there. It's to busy for him, he likes the quiet...we're not out in the middle of east bum...but he has become self sufficient in getting himself around and doesn't complain about taking the bus anymore, but we had those battles for a long time!!

Like I've said....a thousand times, there are sooooooooooooooooooo many things that you (newbies) don't think of that they need to learn ....just like the breath that comes out of their mouths in the cold, thinking it's warm outside (in the winter) just because the sun is shining. Turning off lights, radio, etc etc....and leaving without thinking that's sucking up the electricity. Paying bills and on time. Groceries are way more expensive. Some of us don't have a JA grocery store us the street. For Craig, there's never ever been an issue with food. He loves American food all the same. Yes he misses JA food, but doesn't whine and cry about it! Now that we have a Golden Krust up the street...."I" love it and go there more than he does !!

Yes, Craig has been abusive, I guess you want to call that, never verbally... and he tried to lay a hand on me ONCE and I took action with that. I will never ever tolerate a "man" living in my house that's abusive. He received the help he needed and it helped ....and he learned from that. He tries to get loud, still.....but I'm the calm one.

So....question, if YOU (anyone) were to "go through what I've gone through"....do YOU pick up and move out of a place where YOU have lived for 11 yrs, move your child/children to a new school and new friends, move to a different soccer club and give up everything YOU have had and known.......NO, the man should leave !!!! and that's the thing Craig won't do and I have no way of "getting him to"!! Oh, I could let him beat me up, call the cops and go that route...

I told him today, cause he's been reading everything that has been going on and said.....he said that HE has changed since coming here. He knows that...now fix it and get it back to the way it was...with or without me !!!

SOME of these guys are very much influenced by their "friends" and "cousins" as I've said a million times before. It's a battle that's constantly going on. Craig has to learn wrong...himself, part of "growing up" and it SUCKS that as a "man" ...he's starting fresh, so to speak.

I've been friends with many of the women on this site for 4-5 years now and the ones that I'm close with, we have ALL gone through the major BS that maybe SOME of you haven't....and that's awesome. Trust me, I would HATE to have anyone go through this. The veterans that don't come on here anymore, don't because it's just like how it used to be 4-5 yrs ago. We used to share, cry and embrace each other ...good, bad or ugly, not nowadays, it's like a piece of meat being thrown into a cage !!!

God has a plan for everyone................for whatever reason, we (me and Craig) are still on a path..... to ???

Luvtrav, I have to reply to you, there is nothing that you have stated her, that I have not hear from girlfriends whom have dated and married the man next door. These issues are not uncommon, no they are not right. But many a woman, white/black/yellow married to their man from their back yard have experienced this. What I am getting from this is that Craig is not ready for marriage, he thought he was, but he still have to grow. And you are looking for someone who has gone thru these stages, you are tired of teaching. This doesn't make either one of you a bad person, it just says you'll are not ready to be a couple. You want more and he doesn't know how to give that more.

I couldn't have said this any better. Craig has never been in a serious/monogamous relationship...adding on to the learning to be in one AND get married in 90 days. Ninety days is NOT enough time ...period. We got married on the 89th day.

We talk about this all the time, I know that he isn't ready and I tell him that it's okay, it really is...but...if you truly are ready than you HAVE to work on it and yourself!! You are not a punk little kid that doesn't have responsibilities like your cousins and friends, so man the f-k up !!

I agree wholeheartedly that he has to grow....we had this exact conversation last night...and I told him shoot...it could be years down the road that we may end up together, just right now.....we're not on the same page! He doesn't seem to get it, he says...that "I" am the one he loves and cares for....but ....it's just all so frustrating and confusing!!!

I don't "hide" my relationship from my parents and I've said this numerous times in the past. I'm just not open with it to my parents because of the fact my parents could give a rats a&& what I do with my life. I've gone on 3 trips out of the country since Sept and have not told them once and they haven't asked. We have never been close and that's not going to change now that they are 67 & 72 yrs old !! They've met Craig ...and still didn't put 2 and 2 together. If they want to know who he really is, they can ask....I'm not offering, if you knew them you would feel the same way. Craig, at first wasn't okay with it, but he's soooo over that since he knows what type of folk they are !!!

I've sent my parents on 2 cruise in the past year, they will NOT get off the ship and tour in a "black" (so to speak) country !!! It's sad, truly is...my parents don't take public transportation ...because of the "blackness" of it and they FREAK when they find out that I take my son everywhere and let him experience alllll types of places, people, etc. They won't ever look at my trips to Jamaica and/or Barbados! They almost fell over dead when my friend (who has dreads...that I've known for a long time from Jamaica) went over to shake their hand and introduce himself !!!

My parents are going to be moving to Delaware within the next 6 months after living in the same house since '74. They live 6 miles from me now and I can count on 2 fingers how many times I've seen them in the past 3-4 months. We, even my brother & sister and I, are just not close, used to be......and ya can't help who and what family you're born into !!

Life goes on and I deal with it the best that I know how to. I'm not a depressed and sad person, I live life everyday to the fullest and those that are in my life and know me, know that. I have a ton of people to bounce stuff off of. Craig can pick up the phone and call any one of my friends.... I can't do the same. I'm very close to his mother and we talk all of the time.

I would HIGHLY recommend marriage/couples counseling for anyone !!! We just unfortunately don't have the extra money ! Sucks....but we'd be all over that in a heartbeat !

Thank god I am a travel agent and get to take full advantage of the perks of being in this field....hence getting OUT of the country to rejuvenate !!! It's awesome feeling coming back HAPPY ;o) !

Luvtravlin, I sat here and laughed and cried at your post, sad for your parents who are not a set of happy people, but lets put all of that aside. If you and Craig wants to try to make this marriage work, then seek counseling. CHURCHES offers it free everyday of the week. You donot need to belong to a church to seek their marrgae counseling. Running away from the situation don't solve. Craig is still in your life so seek the counseling, so you can move forward with or without him.

If you don't do it for yourself, then do it for you son. Living in an evironment that is a constant roller coster ride is no fun.

[nannygirl82 0]

Island woman, what Nannygirl posted was very good, you can't isolated anyone and think that they will just fit into your environment.

At the time I wanted him to find his on way so to speak, and really didn't think I had to show him. Looking back I guess maybe I did.

About the marrying into a white family. When we first got together this was NEVER an issue, until he came here. Then it became an issue whenever we went to Church or just to visit my family. He said he felt "uncomfortable". I am not sure why this came out all of a sudden, and the best part was when he said I was racist. For him this became an issue, not sure why and never got a real answer.

I very much think this was because he for once was a minority. In JA, he as a Black person or Jamaican person is a majority. You become very self....aware once you are around people different from you. Just them being White will make him aware that he is different. They may not have an issue with him whatsoever, but he has an issue with it. I had an issue with it when i went to college. First time around White people and I was the minority. It was very eye opening to see all the differences in us. Not just our skin, and speech, but our goals and history and dreams and so much more.

That is so very true!! Unfortunatly I don't think he was able to deal with it. He always saw it as everyone VS him and could not get past it.

[Marlita 0]

There were to many that I wanted to respond to, so I'm going to try in one shot....and I wasn't going to...but...

First...there WAS loads of love in my relationship with Craig. He still loves the heck out of me, tells me all the time, tries his best to show me, but with all the things that have happened, just don't feel that I need to hurt again by it all.

Second....Shauna and I are the best of friends, we've been in each others company many maaaaany times during and after they've broken up. We all had the best of times and looking back, can't even begin to tell you why that Craig AND Mike acted the way they did (do) !!

My parents are VERY racist, always have been, but for me, I like/love a person (man/woman) for who they are, not because of the color of their flippin skin. My sons friends, and they are all black or asian/black, freak out because "I" listen to "their" music. I love Reggae and Jamaica more than Craig sometimes feels. My apartment is filled with Caribbean stuff and has been that way waaaaay before Craig came into the picture.

When Craig came here, I investigated Black barbers and razors things, Jamaican restaurants, music, etc etc. I took him on a Reggae Sail as a suprise for our wedding gift. Within the 1st week of him getting here I took him out to hang with my friends and see my friends Reggae band and they welcomed him with opened arms ....as ALL of my friends have/did.

Craig was never one to go out and party, still doesn't. He's never been to a club by himself in the 2 1/2 years living here, we go out together, but not as much.

Craig was never the jealous type until, for whatever reasons, he got here. I have maaaany male friends and he knows each and every one of them, but I also have a ton of male friends in Jamaica and he knows that to, because I've introduced him to them all.

Craig and I talk ALLL the time, that's one of the things that I love about our relationship is we communicate ALLLL the time, now....sometimes he'll hold things over my head....um, that's part of immaturity on his part.

Yes, Craig is younger than me....but when I met him I thought he was older, just the way he carried himself and from the people he surrounded himself with. Here..totally different story.

This entire process is a LEARNING process and Craig (and many others that "I" KNOW OF) still do not get it!! I tell Craig all the time that you should be learning from your mistakes and never make those mistakes again, but that just doesn't seem to flippin sink in !

I've sat down with him, showed him budget, money, bank, books, newspapers, resumes, broken out maps, showed bus routes, areas where he can go, places where he can visit...shoot he knows more about my area than I do and I'm from here. I helped him try to find jobs, dag...I've done it all as we all do, but when do you stop "teaching" and showing??? Comes a point, right ?

We live in an area that is ALL Asian/Muslim, never used to be that way, but has become that way....my son is the minority at the bus stop! We live in the richest county in the Nation, where racism is around us everyday!

Craig said to me this morning, that when he went to Philly & New York this weekend, he does not like it there. It's to busy for him, he likes the quiet...we're not out in the middle of east bum...but he has become self sufficient in getting himself around and doesn't complain about taking the bus anymore, but we had those battles for a long time!!

Like I've said....a thousand times, there are sooooooooooooooooooo many things that you (newbies) don't think of that they need to learn ....just like the breath that comes out of their mouths in the cold, thinking it's warm outside (in the winter) just because the sun is shining. Turning off lights, radio, etc etc....and leaving without thinking that's sucking up the electricity. Paying bills and on time. Groceries are way more expensive. Some of us don't have a JA grocery store us the street. For Craig, there's never ever been an issue with food. He loves American food all the same. Yes he misses JA food, but doesn't whine and cry about it! Now that we have a Golden Krust up the street...."I" love it and go there more than he does !!

Yes, Craig has been abusive, I guess you want to call that, never verbally... and he tried to lay a hand on me ONCE and I took action with that. I will never ever tolerate a "man" living in my house that's abusive. He received the help he needed and it helped ....and he learned from that. He tries to get loud, still.....but I'm the calm one.

So....question, if YOU (anyone) were to "go through what I've gone through"....do YOU pick up and move out of a place where YOU have lived for 11 yrs, move your child/children to a new school and new friends, move to a different soccer club and give up everything YOU have had and known.......NO, the man should leave !!!! and that's the thing Craig won't do and I have no way of "getting him to"!! Oh, I could let him beat me up, call the cops and go that route...

I told him today, cause he's been reading everything that has been going on and said.....he said that HE has changed since coming here. He knows that...now fix it and get it back to the way it was...with or without me !!!

SOME of these guys are very much influenced by their "friends" and "cousins" as I've said a million times before. It's a battle that's constantly going on. Craig has to learn wrong...himself, part of "growing up" and it SUCKS that as a "man" ...he's starting fresh, so to speak.

I've been friends with many of the women on this site for 4-5 years now and the ones that I'm close with, we have ALL gone through the major BS that maybe SOME of you haven't....and that's awesome. Trust me, I would HATE to have anyone go through this. The veterans that don't come on here anymore, don't because it's just like how it used to be 4-5 yrs ago. We used to share, cry and embrace each other ...good, bad or ugly, not nowadays, it's like a piece of meat being thrown into a cage !!!

God has a plan for everyone................for whatever reason, we (me and Craig) are still on a path..... to ???

I gotta say, that YES, I would leave. I dont care if I've lived there 11 years. Now I know it may be hard if you own the house and are not renting. But if you rent and all you have to do is move out to get away from the psychological abuse then get the heck out. I could not allow my child to be around such a character. That truly does screw with a childs mind. You may think that they are doing ok, but this environment is what they are seeing as a family. Yes you may tell your child that you dont love Craig and that Craig is bad and not a good example but how many parents say that all the time to their children and it STILL affects them into their adult life. I really dont understand the whole story here but it seems there is a lack of support for you. You should not have to be condemned to living with this man if he is this horrible. Are you two divorced and he still wont leave? If not why are you still married?

[Marlita 0]

Kelly, we have talked many times in the past - You are a stronger woman than I am, because I would be in jail by now for murder - I hope that all works out the best for you.

Nanny, I am so sorry to hear that - stay strong, and enjoy the blessing of your daughter that came out of this situation - I dealt with the same ####### from my ex - he always talked a good game with our son, but never ever walked the walk - finally, I just stopped answering the calls or reading the texts - it was too hard.

Wow, LuvTrav, That is so crazy. Sus is right, I woulda probably been in jail too. Do you have family members, male friends, brothers, fathers, uncles who could "show him a thing or two?" You know...somewhere secluded, in a dark alley or something....I'm just sayin....

Wow he sounds like such a stress, but unfortunately this is not at all uncommon as i hear with many men coming here from developing nations.

Marlita, did you hear this before or after you married your husband.? Please STOP saying this, this actions or acts are universal it doesn't matter where they hail from. Hell my nephew is married and he doesn't even believe he should contribute to the household bills. Should his wife let him stay, that's up to her.

Some things I heard and knew of before I married my husband. But they were of non-JA men. Then when people heard of me marrying a JA man I heard all the things about a JA man, but they were all the same things. I figure its not just specific to Jamaica, but a certain cultural similarity that can cause this issue. That mixed with personality/.

[Marlita 0]

ok, so I know that I am posting alot right now, but I've finally got a slow day at work and this topic is very interesting to me. Not all the drama in it, but the actual story sharing.

Anyway...I've noticed that in most ALL the stories that everyone shared when speaking of the things they did for their husband so he could "adjust" were all fundamental things. I.E, give him bus schedules, show him barbers, JA food spots, parks, buying certain foods, helping with a job search, etc. However, I did not hear anyone mention any emotional or nurturing support. I mention this cause I too fall a victim of giving lots of fundamental support with less emotional support. This was actually pointed out to me this weekend by a Christian counselor that Evan and I talk to. (I'm telling you all, counseling is the best! Go there BEFORE you start to have issues and needs for it). Anyway. I realized that I was doing all these "things' for my husband but what he really needed in this move was lots of nuturing support. Sometimes he's just sad or angry or lonely and all he wants is ME. Not more JA food, or someone to speak patois with all day, or more reggae music, or whatever. He says he just wants me to be his rock when he gets in these down times. And he wants to be able to look back at the down time and remember that it was ME that helped him out of it, by just giving him affection and love and a nurturing word or two. Beyond that he says having all that other stuff like buying him certain clothes and shoes or food he likes means absoulutely nothing. Its not the adjustment of the US thats hard its the adjustment of only having ONE PERSON that you are supposed to look to to give you emotional support. He's in a new country and newly married. Who does he talk to when down? Who does he look to for a hug or to hold him? Who is supposed to say they love you to him? Who is supposed to cheer him up when down? Make him happy when sad? ME! Its a HUGE job for me. Cause its a person who is very emotionally needy at the time cause they have no one else. He has no friends or family here. So he needs to get all the emotional support he got from them from me now. I was so worried about making his transition smooth with all the fundamental stuff, that I started really forgetting the emotional stuff. I started to think he was not appreciative, but what I realize is that he was really in a bad predicament and it was up to me to help him through it. But thats a marriage right? So of course its a new adjustment for me to learn to be that person. So thats where we clashed. He had all these needs that were not being met, even though I thought I was giving him so much. But I just didnt know that I wasnt giving him the one thing he wanted the most, and he was resentful to me for not giving it to him.

Its really an eye opener, but helps me to see that once we really start to learn each other, we can really have such a wonderful future together if we stay on track and keep each other as the #1 priority.

Ok, I'll get off my soap box now, cause I know folks say I need to sit down all the time/.

[StoneLove4Ever 0]

ok, so I know that I am posting alot right now, but I've finally got a slow day at work and this topic is very interesting to me. Not all the drama in it, but the actual story sharing.

Anyway...I've noticed that in most ALL the stories that everyone shared when speaking of the things they did for their husband so he could "adjust" were all fundamental things. I.E, give him bus schedules, show him barbers, JA food spots, parks, buying certain foods, helping with a job search, etc. However, I did not hear anyone mention any emotional or nurturing support. I mention this cause I too fall a victim of giving lots of fundamental support with less emotional support. This was actually pointed out to me this weekend by a Christian counselor that Evan and I talk to. (I'm telling you all, counseling is the best! Go there BEFORE you start to have issues and needs for it). Anyway. I realized that I was doing all these "things' for my husband but what he really needed in this move was lots of nuturing support. Sometimes he's just sad or angry or lonely and all he wants is ME. Not more JA food, or someone to speak patois with all day, or more reggae music, or whatever. He says he just wants me to be his rock when he gets in these down times. And he wants to be able to look back at the down time and remember that it was ME that helped him out of it, by just giving him affection and love and a nurturing word or two. Beyond that he says having all that other stuff like buying him certain clothes and shoes or food he likes means absoulutely nothing. Its not the adjustment of the US thats hard its the adjustment of only having ONE PERSON that you are supposed to look to to give you emotional support. He's in a new country and newly married. Who does he talk to when down? Who does he look to for a hug or to hold him? Who is supposed to say they love you to him? Who is supposed to cheer him up when down? Make him happy when sad? ME! Its a HUGE job for me. Cause its a person who is very emotionally needy at the time cause they have no one else. He has no friends or family here. So he needs to get all the emotional support he got from them from me now. I was so worried about making his transition smooth with all the fundamental stuff, that I started really forgetting the emotional stuff. I started to think he was not appreciative, but what I realize is that he was really in a bad predicament and it was up to me to help him through it. But thats a marriage right? So of course its a new adjustment for me to learn to be that person. So thats where we clashed. He had all these needs that were not being met, even though I thought I was giving him so much. But I just didnt know that I wasnt giving him the one thing he wanted the most, and he was resentful to me for not giving it to him.

Its really an eye opener, but helps me to see that once we really start to learn each other, we can really have such a wonderful future together if we stay on track and keep each other as the #1 priority.

Ok, I'll get off my soap box now, cause I know folks say I need to sit down all the time/.

OMG you have definitely put another perspective into my relationship...me and hubby haven't had any really bad tiffs like that but the tiffs that we did have i can honestly say it may be because i am not showing him any nurturing attention...the other day hubby was not speaking to me and i haven't had a clue why and i was getting mad at him and he was just saying he wanted to be alone and just didn't want to talk so i was getting mad at him and just telling him off that i can't believe he not talking to me and blah blah when i should of just been easy and realize that it is probably hitting home right now that he is not in his own terrority and he doesn't really have control over anything right now...I'm going to go home and give hubby and big hug... ...and you better sit back up right now...

[JaHoney 3]

jgay, you and lita have given much food for thought, it is appreciated!

[NatPatBen 3]

I need a touch up

Skip the touch up. Let your hair FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

[Shemmy 4]

ok, so I know that I am posting alot right now, but I've finally got a slow day at work and this topic is very interesting to me. Not all the drama in it, but the actual story sharing.

Anyway...I've noticed that in most ALL the stories that everyone shared when speaking of the things they did for their husband so he could "adjust" were all fundamental things. I.E, give him bus schedules, show him barbers, JA food spots, parks, buying certain foods, helping with a job search, etc. However, I did not hear anyone mention any emotional or nurturing support. I mention this cause I too fall a victim of giving lots of fundamental support with less emotional support. This was actually pointed out to me this weekend by a Christian counselor that Evan and I talk to. (I'm telling you all, counseling is the best! Go there BEFORE you start to have issues and needs for it). Anyway. I realized that I was doing all these "things' for my husband but what he really needed in this move was lots of nuturing support. Sometimes he's just sad or angry or lonely and all he wants is ME. Not more JA food, or someone to speak patois with all day, or more reggae music, or whatever. He says he just wants me to be his rock when he gets in these down times. And he wants to be able to look back at the down time and remember that it was ME that helped him out of it, by just giving him affection and love and a nurturing word or two. Beyond that he says having all that other stuff like buying him certain clothes and shoes or food he likes means absoulutely nothing. Its not the adjustment of the US thats hard its the adjustment of only having ONE PERSON that you are supposed to look to to give you emotional support. He's in a new country and newly married. Who does he talk to when down? Who does he look to for a hug or to hold him? Who is supposed to say they love you to him? Who is supposed to cheer him up when down? Make him happy when sad? ME! Its a HUGE job for me. Cause its a person who is very emotionally needy at the time cause they have no one else. He has no friends or family here. So he needs to get all the emotional support he got from them from me now. I was so worried about making his transition smooth with all the fundamental stuff, that I started really forgetting the emotional stuff. I started to think he was not appreciative, but what I realize is that he was really in a bad predicament and it was up to me to help him through it. But thats a marriage right? So of course its a new adjustment for me to learn to be that person. So thats where we clashed. He had all these needs that were not being met, even though I thought I was giving him so much. But I just didnt know that I wasnt giving him the one thing he wanted the most, and he was resentful to me for not giving it to him.

Its really an eye opener, but helps me to see that once we really start to learn each other, we can really have such a wonderful future together if we stay on track and keep each other as the #1 priority.

Ok, I'll get off my soap box now, cause I know folks say I need to sit down all the time/.

OMG you have definitely put another perspective into my relationship...me and hubby haven't had any really bad tiffs like that but the tiffs that we did have i can honestly say it may be because i am not showing him any nurturing attention...the other day hubby was not speaking to me and i haven't had a clue why and i was getting mad at him and he was just saying he wanted to be alone and just didn't want to talk so i was getting mad at him and just telling him off that i can't believe he not talking to me and blah blah when i should of just been easy and realize that it is probably hitting home right now that he is not in his own terrority and he doesn't really have control over anything right now...I'm going to go home and give hubby and big hug... ...and you better sit back up right now...

Me too

Marlita...that makes so much sense. Seriously, 4 years later...I'm still learning about adjustments. I've had a few other yardies help me through some recent tough times.

Last week when I complaining about Damien not going anywhere...blah..blah. My co-worker asked me...have you never thought he really likes spending time with you??? You are his rock and have always been there for him. The first 2 years I showed him alot of nurturing attention. For some reason, I've slacked off...he never did. Maybe I thought he didn't need it anymore

[NatPatBen 3]

... Anyway. I realized that I was doing all these "things' for my husband but what he really needed in this move was lots of nuturing support. Sometimes he's just sad or angry or lonely and all he wants is ME. Not more JA food, or someone to speak patois with all day, or more reggae music, or whatever. He says he just wants me to be his rock when he gets in these down times. And he wants to be able to look back at the down time and remember that it was ME that helped him out of it, by just giving him affection and love and a nurturing word or two. Beyond that he says having all that other stuff like buying him certain clothes and shoes or food he likes means absoulutely nothing. ...

Wow. Thanks a lot for sharing this. If you get any more valuable learnings from the counseling, please share those, too.

[Marlita 0]

OMG you have definitely put another perspective into my relationship...me and hubby haven't had any really bad tiffs like that but the tiffs that we did have i can honestly say it may be because i am not showing him any nurturing attention...the other day hubby was not speaking to me and i haven't had a clue why and i was getting mad at him and he was just saying he wanted to be alone and just didn't want to talk so i was getting mad at him and just telling him off that i can't believe he not talking to me and blah blah when i should of just been easy and realize that it is probably hitting home right now that he is not in his own terrority and he doesn't really have control over anything right now...I'm going to go home and give hubby and big hug... ...and you better sit back up right now...

You know, I really think this is a big issue. I am such a culprit of this and I felt horrible once I realized thats been a big part of our problem. Evan did and still does that same thing....gets in a "funk" as i call it. It would make me so mad and I'd get upset and stubborn and think..."we'll just be in yo funk then!" But I really think its him not having anyone but me to talk to at times. Being bored at home all day. People here are not friendly and he just needs alot of support right now. He has gotten so much better since working and school and his one friend and my sis' fiance. He really had no one but me and I didnt even realize that I was not giving him the attention he needed at the time. So I really make a conscious effort to ask about his day and how he's doing, and giving him hugs and kisses and saying I love you and that I appreciate the little things he has been doing for me since being here. His attitude has changed so much now.