Adjustment to the United States

[SupportOAFJF 0]

o..OT a min..Sus..umm mi no sure if u ave kinky hair..wah it look like whe nu no blow it out..lol..cause jah know fi mi kinky

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

o..OT a min..Sus..umm mi no sure if u ave kinky hair..wah it look like whe nu no blow it out..lol..cause jah know fi mi kinky

woieeeeeeeeeee mi belli battam

[*JG* 2]

Jomo, did you understand why that was important to him? Finding a Black barber.

Of course, Roxcie. I am stating the only black/white issues we have have had have been that minimal.

No, that is true. In fact, he did not like the first 3 barbers he tried in the city. But, the thing was, he SAID he needed to find a black barber.

That's why I said "could have" in his case NOT..he just needed someone who he thought understood his hair needs...in reality there are white/black/hispanic barbers/hairdressers that can hook up a black hair..

what is IMO?

Speaking of barbers..my husband has a Jamaican barber..that is is 45 minutes away. He only goes every 3 or 4 months. His hair grows very slowly.

IN MY OPINION

Well, let me tell you that country hick barber sure did mess it up. Looked like he stuck a bowl on his head and cut around it. It's funny now. Wasn't so much then.

[SupportOAFJF 0]

Jomo, did you understand why that was important to him? Finding a Black barber.

Of course, Roxcie. I am stating the only black/white issues we have have had have been that minimal.

No, that is true. In fact, he did not like the first 3 barbers he tried in the city. But, the thing was, he SAID he needed to find a black barber.

That's why I said "could have" in his case NOT..he just needed someone who he thought understood his hair needs...in reality there are white/black/hispanic barbers/hairdressers that can hook up a black hair..

what is IMO?

Speaking of barbers..my husband has a Jamaican barber..that is is 45 minutes away. He only goes every 3 or 4 months. His hair grows very slowly.

IN MY OPINION

Well, let me tell you that country hick barber sure did mess it up. Looked like he stuck a bowl on his head and cut around it. It's funny now. Wasn't so much then.

A DATS HOW SOME ARE TAUGHT..LMAO

[sus 70]

o..OT a min..Sus..umm mi no sure if u ave kinky hair..wah it look like whe nu no blow it out..lol..cause jah know fi mi kinky

LOL - I will take a pic with it wet - straight and straighter - doesn't hold a curl for nada -

[Marlita 0]

Mrs. Smith, my inital response is to stay out of this and I will, but if you had to name one big adjustment that you and your husband had to deal with, what would it be. Also, would you say this problem was new to you, or had you dealt with some aspects of it in any previous relationship. Please don't make it genralized, it must be something that you felt didn't just come with the terriority of being married and adjusting to each other.

Please this question is not just for Mrs. Smith anyone else who feels they can share or add something of substance to this is welcome to respond.

My adjustments were things that came up in past relationships, not just my marriage. So I know for most of MY issues there are things inherently in me to change. One major thing for me is trying to be an emotionally available person to my mate. I have issues with this cause I think i hold my heart back as a way to not get hurt. In turn it hurts the person i am with cause it makes me seem as if I dont need them. So thats my adjustment.

My husbands adjustment, is just going from single man without a girlfriend, to married man living in a foreign country. Lots of big and new things to get used to. I feel for him sometimes, cause this is a MAJOR move for him and quite difficult I am sure. We have our good and bad times. Sometimes the bad are quite horrible and I can get quite livid and he's seen that side of me. But we both know what we really want to become of this relationship so after we have our breakdowns we strive to move forward. Sometimes its like we are swimming in circles and I have asked myself, "how did I get into this?" But when I look at some of the issues, some are things I can really change about myself cause I see them following me no matter if my man is Jamaican or not. Fortunately Evan is very mature in many aspects. However, he is just young in life experiences so he is behind me on alot of things. We both need patience with one another and we both need to self sacrifice for one another.

I recommend that new couples here go to marriage counseling. no matter if you are having probelms or not. You did not wake up one day an become ace number one star of being a wife or a husband. It takes dedication hard work and training, just like any other job. You WILL NOT do good with on the job training when it comes to your marriage. I think its good to have a mentor when it comes to your marriage. Seek your pastor, or local support groups, or other married friends and family members. It really helps to have a great support. I am always concerned for those I hear whose family dont like their JA relationship. Or those who keep the relationship such a secret. I know there are many reasons but I see this as a red flag majorly. My family had issues in the beginning, but I just forced it on them anyway, and also I really knew that once they knew Evan and not the stereotype of Jamaican men, they would love him.

All I can say is, its HARD!! Dont let no one tell you different. There is NOT ONE woman on here who will say this is easy. So I really dont think we hear about the peaches and cream stories all the time. Its just takes a really dedicated couple to get through this. I think you will see that dedication within the first 6 months of living in the US together. If not, there may be some issues that will be truly trying come the future.

[Marlita 0]

bway mi a tell unuh mi yei and mi ead a hat mi gane fi go mek sum tea

haha! You know, I actually drink tea ALOT know! Just yesterday I was telling Evan, OMG, I think I'm turing into the British with always wanting 'a proper cup of tea'. Maybe its actually turning Jamaican.....

I need tea like everyday now. Its soooo relaxing.

[*JG* 2]

No, that is true. In fact, he did not like the first 3 barbers he tried in the city. But, the thing was, he SAID he needed to find a black barber.

That's why I said "could have" in his case NOT..he just needed someone who he thought understood his hair needs...in reality there are white/black/hispanic barbers/hairdressers that can hook up a black hair..

what is IMO?

Speaking of barbers..my husband has a Jamaican barber..that is is 45 minutes away. He only goes every 3 or 4 months. His hair grows very slowly.

IN MY OPINION

Where i live is predominately a jamaican area...there is like a jamaican food, hair, record store, and clothing store on every block...my hubby went to a jamaican barber and did not like how he cut his hair so then i told him to go to this other barber that my brothers go to and where i take my son and they are puerto ricans and he loves how they cut his hair and is staying with them...he was complaining that they were playing spanish music and they speak in their language all the time but he rather have a good hair cut then just being comfortable around his own kind...

IMO about the whole adjustment period...I understand our husbands or wives are coming from a different country...a third world country at that...and especially if your husband/wife lived in the country is another whole new ball game...they are coming into a fast paced environment where you need money in your pocket and you can't do half the things you were able to do back in JA...BUT after a while when the issues are discussed and some issues happened and you talk to them about it and help them realize why you shouldn't do that and whatever if they are still doing it then that is on them and I'm not going to deal with it anymore...My husband is not a baby and I'm not going to treat him like a baby and make the notion that he came from another country so i should give him oblige...I've talked to you once, twice, there is no third time cause it seems i'm just wasting my breath...to me that just shows them being selfish and only out to live for themselves not for their family...

Yes i know we are married and you should work hard for your marriage BUT i love myself much, much, MUCH more than to let some man come into my life and bring me down and not show half the commitment i made in this relationship...

My husband adjustment issue is not being able to go down the road and hang out over his friend Nanko's shop and drink some soup and talk about football with his brethren on the road side...he is soo bored being stuck in the house...he goes to the library twice a week to learn computers and to help with his reading skills so that breaks up some time to be outside...I haven't been able to really take him places cause money is really tight and can't seem to get around to doing it...He is also upset that he doesn't have a job yet but hopefully that will come soon...and i told him when he starts working he is going to help out with the household bills...whatever is left you do what you want...if he is putting buying clothes, shoes, whatever b4 bills then get the hell out cause i'm not busting my butt for you to live like a king and me like a pauper...

I love my husband dearly but we both know that if he was living in the states already we wouldn't have gotten married...we both don't really believe in the whole marriage thing but did it so we could be together cause i knew i wasn't moving to ja and i wasn't going to travel to JA so often again and he wouldn't have gotten a visitor visa and we discussed this way b4 we decided to get married...I always tell him too to just be upfront with everything with me and that don't feel that you owe me anything cause i filed for you cause you don't...if he feels like he wants to be with someone else or he doesn't want to be with me anymore just let me know...Yes i believe you should try your hardest to make your marriage work and last "til death do us part" but you should kill yourself doing it...IMO

Good words, JG. I hope it works out for you like you envision.

[*JG* 2]

Kelly, we have talked many times in the past - You are a stronger woman than I am, because I would be in jail by now for murder - I hope that all works out the best for you.

Nanny, I am so sorry to hear that - stay strong, and enjoy the blessing of your daughter that came out of this situation - I dealt with the same ####### from my ex - he always talked a good game with our son, but never ever walked the walk - finally, I just stopped answering the calls or reading the texts - it was too hard.

Wow, LuvTrav, That is so crazy. Sus is right, I woulda probably been in jail too. Do you have family members, male friends, brothers, fathers, uncles who could "show him a thing or two?" You know...somewhere secluded, in a dark alley or something....I'm just sayin....

Wow he sounds like such a stress, but unfortunately this is not at all uncommon as i hear with many men coming here from developing nations.

Ha ha.....Marlita you are killing me with the dark alley comment!

[shrewdgal 0]

No, that is true. In fact, he did not like the first 3 barbers he tried in the city. But, the thing was, he SAID he needed to find a black barber.

That's why I said "could have" in his case NOT..he just needed someone who he thought understood his hair needs...in reality there are white/black/hispanic barbers/hairdressers that can hook up a black hair..

what is IMO?

Speaking of barbers..my husband has a Jamaican barber..that is is 45 minutes away. He only goes every 3 or 4 months. His hair grows very slowly.

IN MY OPINION

Where i live is predominately a jamaican area...there is like a jamaican food, hair, record store, and clothing store on every block...my hubby went to a jamaican barber and did not like how he cut his hair so then i told him to go to this other barber that my brothers go to and where i take my son and they are puerto ricans and he loves how they cut his hair and is staying with them...he was complaining that they were playing spanish music and they speak in their language all the time but he rather have a good hair cut then just being comfortable around his own kind...

IMO about the whole adjustment period...I understand our husbands or wives are coming from a different country...a third world country at that...and especially if your husband/wife lived in the country is another whole new ball game...they are coming into a fast paced environment where you need money in your pocket and you can't do half the things you were able to do back in JA...BUT after a while when the issues are discussed and some issues happened and you talk to them about it and help them realize why you shouldn't do that and whatever if they are still doing it then that is on them and I'm not going to deal with it anymore...My husband is not a baby and I'm not going to treat him like a baby and make the notion that he came from another country so i should give him oblige...I've talked to you once, twice, there is no third time cause it seems i'm just wasting my breath...to me that just shows them being selfish and only out to live for themselves not for their family...

Yes i know we are married and you should work hard for your marriage BUT i love myself much, much, MUCH more than to let some man come into my life and bring me down and not show half the commitment i made in this relationship...

My husband adjustment issue is not being able to go down the road and hang out over his friend Nanko's shop and drink some soup and talk about football with his brethren on the road side...he is soo bored being stuck in the house...he goes to the library twice a week to learn computers and to help with his reading skills so that breaks up some time to be outside...I haven't been able to really take him places cause money is really tight and can't seem to get around to doing it...He is also upset that he doesn't have a job yet but hopefully that will come soon...and i told him when he starts working he is going to help out with the household bills...whatever is left you do what you want...if he is putting buying clothes, shoes, whatever b4 bills then get the hell out cause i'm not busting my butt for you to live like a king and me like a pauper...

I love my husband dearly but we both know that if he was living in the states already we wouldn't have gotten married...we both don't really believe in the whole marriage thing but did it so we could be together cause i knew i wasn't moving to ja and i wasn't going to travel to JA so often again and he wouldn't have gotten a visitor visa and we discussed this way b4 we decided to get married...I always tell him too to just be upfront with everything with me and that don't feel that you owe me anything cause i filed for you cause you don't...if he feels like he wants to be with someone else or he doesn't want to be with me anymore just let me know...Yes i believe you should try your hardest to make your marriage work and last "til death do us part" but you should kill yourself doing it...IMO

Good words, JG. I hope it works out for you like you envision.

I was like, Sweet Jesus..she done gone nuts on us...chatting back to herself..haha

I never think of jgay as JG.

[sus 70]

I was like, Sweet Jesus..she done gone nuts on us...chatting back to herself..haha

I never think of jgay as JG.

LOL - I thought the same, was completely confused!

[*JG* 2]

Hi Zee Bee..

I'm just reading. Its interesting that these issues are not confined to one culture.

Of course NOT!

Nope, they are universal - People are people!

True true.

Reading what everyone has written, some of you could be telling my story. Its not easy, but it really helps to know that others have been through it, are working through it and have made it.

So many times I have wanted to throw in the towel (or throw something at his head).

There are just so many little things to think about. If we started a list I don't think we would ever get done. Everyday I think of something else and think "I wish someone had told me ____ ". Its a slow and sometimes, painful process.

Thus the need for the good, the bad, and the ugly tales.

Kelly, we have talked many times in the past - You are a stronger woman than I am, because I would be in jail by now for murder - I hope that all works out the best for you.

Nanny, I am so sorry to hear that - stay strong, and enjoy the blessing of your daughter that came out of this situation - I dealt with the same ####### from my ex - he always talked a good game with our son, but never ever walked the walk - finally, I just stopped answering the calls or reading the texts - it was too hard.

Wow, LuvTrav, That is so crazy. Sus is right, I woulda probably been in jail too. Do you have family members, male friends, brothers, fathers, uncles who could "show him a thing or two?" You know...somewhere secluded, in a dark alley or something....I'm just sayin....

Wow he sounds like such a stress, but unfortunately this is not at all uncommon as i hear with many men coming here from developing nations.

Marlita, did you hear this before or after you married your husband.? Please STOP saying this, this actions or acts are universal it doesn't matter where they hail from. Hell my nephew is married and he doesn't even believe he should contribute to the household bills. Should his wife let him stay, that's up to her.

Of course that's true, Roxcie. Regardless, still something to keep in mind.

[*JG* 2]

No, that is true. In fact, he did not like the first 3 barbers he tried in the city. But, the thing was, he SAID he needed to find a black barber.

That's why I said "could have" in his case NOT..he just needed someone who he thought understood his hair needs...in reality there are white/black/hispanic barbers/hairdressers that can hook up a black hair..

what is IMO?

Speaking of barbers..my husband has a Jamaican barber..that is is 45 minutes away. He only goes every 3 or 4 months. His hair grows very slowly.

IN MY OPINION

Where i live is predominately a jamaican area...there is like a jamaican food, hair, record store, and clothing store on every block...my hubby went to a jamaican barber and did not like how he cut his hair so then i told him to go to this other barber that my brothers go to and where i take my son and they are puerto ricans and he loves how they cut his hair and is staying with them...he was complaining that they were playing spanish music and they speak in their language all the time but he rather have a good hair cut then just being comfortable around his own kind...

IMO about the whole adjustment period...I understand our husbands or wives are coming from a different country...a third world country at that...and especially if your husband/wife lived in the country is another whole new ball game...they are coming into a fast paced environment where you need money in your pocket and you can't do half the things you were able to do back in JA...BUT after a while when the issues are discussed and some issues happened and you talk to them about it and help them realize why you shouldn't do that and whatever if they are still doing it then that is on them and I'm not going to deal with it anymore...My husband is not a baby and I'm not going to treat him like a baby and make the notion that he came from another country so i should give him oblige...I've talked to you once, twice, there is no third time cause it seems i'm just wasting my breath...to me that just shows them being selfish and only out to live for themselves not for their family...

Yes i know we are married and you should work hard for your marriage BUT i love myself much, much, MUCH more than to let some man come into my life and bring me down and not show half the commitment i made in this relationship...

My husband adjustment issue is not being able to go down the road and hang out over his friend Nanko's shop and drink some soup and talk about football with his brethren on the road side...he is soo bored being stuck in the house...he goes to the library twice a week to learn computers and to help with his reading skills so that breaks up some time to be outside...I haven't been able to really take him places cause money is really tight and can't seem to get around to doing it...He is also upset that he doesn't have a job yet but hopefully that will come soon...and i told him when he starts working he is going to help out with the household bills...whatever is left you do what you want...if he is putting buying clothes, shoes, whatever b4 bills then get the hell out cause i'm not busting my butt for you to live like a king and me like a pauper...

I love my husband dearly but we both know that if he was living in the states already we wouldn't have gotten married...we both don't really believe in the whole marriage thing but did it so we could be together cause i knew i wasn't moving to ja and i wasn't going to travel to JA so often again and he wouldn't have gotten a visitor visa and we discussed this way b4 we decided to get married...I always tell him too to just be upfront with everything with me and that don't feel that you owe me anything cause i filed for you cause you don't...if he feels like he wants to be with someone else or he doesn't want to be with me anymore just let me know...Yes i believe you should try your hardest to make your marriage work and last "til death do us part" but you should kill yourself doing it...IMO

Good words, JG. I hope it works out for you like you envision.

I was like, Sweet Jesus..she done gone nuts on us...chatting back to herself..haha

I never think of jgay as JG.

Ha ha....might as well some days. Not today, though. I probably wouldn't even agree with myself!!!!

[Marlita 0]

Screw this "White" stuff as excuse..IMO..this has nothing to do with it..IMO!!

We have never really dealt with the black/white issue as something that needs to be adjusted to (minus the hair, haha) but I can see why some people would have to.

us it as an excuse for what?

Excuse? Give me a break there. Reason for some.

if i understand correctly..ur saying black/white is an issue for some? ..then if they are not comfortable with white ppl..how did he get involved with a white woman...this shouldn't be an issue ifit is somethign is wrong !

Well I have dated White guys, but it didnt mean that I didnt have an issue with being in an interracial relationship. I was still Black and no matter how cool and comfy I am with White people there is a difference that is seen everyday. I came from an all Black community but never had an upbringing that divided races so it was easy for me to get involved with others of different races, however, there was alot of things that was just different or out of the norm or whatever that takes some getting used to. I think that Jamaicans dont have the SAME black white issues as Blacks in America, but once they come here its a different experience that they cannot know they have issues with until they are put in that situation. So I get it for those in B/W relationships. Even with Black American / Jamaican relationships there is a difference. My husband calls me Black American all the time. He sees this as much a difference from his as if I was a White American.

[Marlita 0]

Island woman, what Nannygirl posted was very good, you can't isolated anyone and think that they will just fit into your environment.

At the time I wanted him to find his on way so to speak, and really didn't think I had to show him. Looking back I guess maybe I did.

About the marrying into a white family. When we first got together this was NEVER an issue, until he came here. Then it became an issue whenever we went to Church or just to visit my family. He said he felt "uncomfortable". I am not sure why this came out all of a sudden, and the best part was when he said I was racist. For him this became an issue, not sure why and never got a real answer.

I very much think this was because he for once was a minority. In JA, he as a Black person or Jamaican person is a majority. You become very self....aware once you are around people different from you. Just them being White will make him aware that he is different. They may not have an issue with him whatsoever, but he has an issue with it. I had an issue with it when i went to college. First time around White people and I was the minority. It was very eye opening to see all the differences in us. Not just our skin, and speech, but our goals and history and dreams and so much more.