Yeah! K-1 Approved, with child. Now I'm not so sure.

[Old Dominion 26]

Why should I not have trouble with this? Is that what you would choose? So many tell me that they would want to be at their spouses side, I know that I want to spend the holidays with them. You talk big for someone who is not in my shoes.

Then you shouldn't have trouble to let your fiancee to stay with her family this Xmass 2009. She'll stay with you forever.(Hopefully she will)

Immigration issues aside, you'd best let her go. Marriage and children always bring the unexpected into life, and often times there is utter chaos. After doing all the right things for her and her family, you are being confronted with disorder and seem unable to compromise. If and when she comes here, how long will it take her to be "forgiven" for failing to follow your plan? Her unpaid debt to you, and your anger, are quite clear to any reader.

[FaithfulandTrue 6]

sorry to hear that.. especially at this time of year.. well all i can say is if you love her, marry her.. you fought for the visa, bring your family here.. i know you wanna spend christmas with them, but if it's not possible, do you stop loving her... be there for her.. relationships are scary for anyone, especially when you are here and she's there.. and even sometimes when she's here too.. it takes a LOT of work.. always think about the time you first met.. just always try... it has nothing to do with splitting property or anything like that.. yea things like that happen... divorce happens and so does love... chose love and always chose love, keep trying if you love her.. that's what i would do.. and yes actions speak louder than words.. love her.. she had a child for you.. that is very special.. don't throw that away..

[LikeALadybug 2]

Wow...is really all I can say. It sounds like you have some issues, well, really both of you do. Now, I'm not trying to be rude but it really sounds like the both of you have some growing up to do.

She does NOT owe you anything although you have definitely done a lot for her, financially especially from what it sounds like. I'm not familiar with the culture but to me it sounds like you are being taken advantage off but that must be ok with you, otherwise you wouldn't be sending her this much money. Really, why are you buying her furniture and stuff, what did she have before you were in her life? And why are you paying for her family? What did they do before you?

I can certainly understand wanting to be with your family on Christmas, I have been away from my country for 6 years and it was only last year I spent Christmas with my family...in the USA of all places. It sucks, especially when there are kids involved but that is the price you pay when choosing a loved one in a different country.

I don't know what she is thinking but she kind of makes me mad. I think she needs to grow up and stop making it look like she is taking advantage of you - as a woman, that makes me mad and it make our gender look bad. If she does not feel ready to leave her family behind then she should say so and stop taking your money. She chose to have a child, now its time to grow up and take care of it, and if she does not want to be with you in the USA anyway well then maybe she should get a job. kids are expensive, I should know, I have one.

You on the other hand need to stop throwing you money around like its nothing - grow up, money is not everything and it will not buy love, at least not for a very long time.

I hope you both can sit down as adults and figure out what is best for everybody because you have now involved an innocent child. Follow you gut and stop acting like she owes you anything.

[*JG* 2]

You already have the visa... let her come over and if it does not work out she goes home within the 90 days...

You also have 6 months to activate the visa. You can use that time wisely.

[chunsan 0]

Reading your post, my understanding is that you are inquring why your fiance is delaying her trip to U.S.

Possible reasons (based on my analysis):

1. For filipino, christmas is a very important celebration. And as much as possible, spend it with the whole filipino family. Most of Filipinos go back to the philippines during chritsmas. I would say, during your marriage life with a filipina, expect to spend christmas in the philippines.

2. For your fiancee, philippines is still her "comfort zone", she has her family here... Sometimes it's hard to uproot yourself.

3. Some of the filipino are quite shy and quiet, possibly due to upbringing.. but im not implying that all filipina are shy and quiet...

Difference in culture is already at play in your present predicament.

For your approach, I would suggest to do it calmly, slowly and try to stretch your patience and understanding.... It's not easy...

BTW, i will be transferring to Phoenix, Arizona after my visa approval. Hopefully before Christmas. If she wants to meet a filipina, she could PM me.

Rhea

I agree with you rheanick! Yes, Christmas in Philippines is very traditional and special occasion. Most Filipinos in other countries come home for Christmas. I think your fiance just want to spend last Christmas with her family. It's quite sad and not easy leaving your family who brought you especially if they have close family ties.

Be clam, take it easy. Think it over before you decide and make plans. Don't make immediate decision if you were angry, disappointed/frustrated ( you might regret it ). Try to consider some other factors. If you truly love's her then give her that chance to spend last Christmas with her family. Anyway, it's just one Christmas. Once she get there you can spend all the time with her and your child. Hope things will be alright. Please consider Filipino values and tradition co'z your will marry a Filipina.

[LuckyDucky 0]

I think it's fair to say that we are really only seeing a portion of the entire picture here. I'm sure GwizCraig is trying to tell his story succinctly, but unfortunately this means that we may be missing out on some vital information.

I can pretty much see everyone's point of view on this thread, but it's difficult to get the proper "feel" of what is going on. It could be anything from her getting cold feet, the sudden realization that this is "actually happening", fear of the unknown, missing her family, or anything. Unfortunately, I don't think any of us could say for sure what it is.

I'm surprised that more people haven't said, "Trust your instincts" because you're really the one that has all the information.

I'm going to toss a few random questions out that you don't have to answer, but perhaps it may help when you sit down to talk with her about this:

1) Have you ever discussed how often she'll be returning home to visit family?

2) Have you asked her how important her family is to her? (You probably know this one without asking. From your post, I gleaned that she's pretty close with her family.)

3) Discussed what she's most excited about and most scared about her move to the US?

4) Discussed her long-term goals in the US? (study, work, career?)

I'm just kinda rambling here, but some of these may help her get her grounding for when she comes here. I read that you (GwizCraig) like things to be orderly (well, I can't remember the exact words, but that was the impression I got in a post somewhere) and if she's the same way, then perhaps not knowing these things is a huge, scary question mark for her.

But as I said before, you and your fiancee have the clearest picture of what is going on. We're trying to describe a painting by looking at it through a paper towel tube.

I'll be sending a PM with some of my personal experiences as well. Apologies for my grammar: trying to be eloquent with only ~4 hours of sleep last night.

[ronjie 0]

Why should I not have trouble with this? Is that what you would choose? So many tell me that they would want to be at their spouses side, I know that I want to spend the holidays with them. You talk big for someone who is not in my shoes.

Then you shouldn't have trouble to let your fiancee to stay with her family this Xmass 2009. She'll stay with you forever.(Hopefully she will)

I've never been with someone else shoes but I understand you and your fiancee. You'll have her not just Xmass but at all times not when you're working.

I don't know why so many people want to be with their spouse but once they're in USA? they want to go home.

THAT DOESN'T make any sense ? if you want to go home,, then go. don't let the door hit you in ur azz. and if you think tradition is important, and you live in the USA . then you better get use to a x-mas tree in the house. if they made plans to be together during the holidays, and she changes the plans without first discussing it with him. then he has all the right in the world to be upset. long distance relationships come with a big price. relocating is just the start.

Edited November 13, 2008 by ronjie

[DanielParul 50]

I am trying to look at it from his point of view. He wants to be with his fiancee and child for Christmas and up untill she got the visa that was the plan. He'd build hopes around it. Now that she got the visa, she suddenly decided to stay in PI for Christmas not caring enough for his feelings. Maybe she's being selfish here. I can understand his feelings being hurt too. Seems like he's giving all the time (ofcourse, as per what I have read). Maybe he wanted to just hear her say that she wants to be with him too for Christmas coz the words sometimes can mean a lot. A lot of people from a lot of countries are family oriented (even Americans are) but what surprises me here is that she's family oriented and understands her family's feelings, her feelings but has conveniently not understood his. If they are going to build a life together, they both need to be in it equal too. She can't be using the excuse that she's the one moving and leaving everything and its all new to her. She knew when they decided to apply for the visa. He can have the same apprehensions, specially if his feelings are conveniently discarded as not important enough.

I hope he follows his instincts and does whats best for all of them. An unhappy marriage can do a lot more damage to the child too. They both have 6 months to see if it works or not. All the best

[cjgator 2]

I don't think I'm adding anything new to many of the posts, other than to reiterate some of the things others have said, and offer maybe 1 or 2 additional thoughts.

First - what you have heard about the whole Filipino culture from some on this website is spot-on. Family is EVERYTHING to them, much more so than American culture. I have had close Filipino friends over the years who felt compelled (and in some cases, highly pressured/guilted by their family members) to maintain very close nuclear family ties, even as much as discouraging long moves away from the family, and sending any extra $$ back to the family to help. I saw this put strain on their non-Filipino spouses in at least two cases, who felt somewhat locked into the life of their in-laws, and restricted in their ability to make choices about their own lives. But, remember, to a Filipino, these beliefs are not wrong - they see them as proper, and for them, the family relationship means survival, in a country that provides limited opportunities to prosper.

I personally would not judge her on the desire to spend christmas with her family. You're talking about a difference of maybe 30 or 45 days. I understand your desire to see her. I've been waiting for an approval for my wife for nearly 8 months, but, if my spouse got her clearance to come to the US tomorrow, and she told me she wanted to spend one last "guaranteed" Christmas over with the family, I could wait another month or 2, knowing we had a certain approval, and knowing I had her for the rest of my life from that point on.

I think the larger issue here may be whether or not you, as an American, can become comfortable with her culture - it defines a major portion of many Filipinos. Her family is likely to play a major role in her (and your) life, even after she gets here. What do you do if/when she starts asking you to send $ home to the family? What do you do if/when she asks to go home 3 or 4 times a year? When you marry her, you are becoming a part of their family as well, and you have to be prepared for some of these potential scenarios.

Last thing - as a divorced father of an 8 year old boy, who spent over a year and half my savings fighting my ex for the right to have my child half of the time, you need to seriously consider the "give up" options before you head down that path. Your child will almost certainly grow up a very different person if he/she does not have dad in their life on a regular basis - by the time he/she gets an opportunity to spend time with you, you may not even recognize the child as your own.

Good luck. You have some very difficult decisions to contemplate. I don't envy your position.

CJ-G

[GwizCraig 0]

Ok folks, have a little updating to do here.

Much like how one should not drunk-dial, I should not have posted angry. I had recieved some pretty harsh responses and many who really worked at trying to get me to understand. It is what I was seeking, all deserved. Thank-you to all who e-mailed and posted.

Understand that I had gotten what felt like a real bomb dropped on me and she did not explain herself well. Her reasons pointed back to me, it was her defense trying to justify it to me. This only frusterated me more because I felt I was not getting a straight answer. Communication is so difficult and being so far away, from different cultures, not having much "real" time together leads to miscommunication and misunderstandings. I did cut our chat short because I did not want to say anything that would hurt her or that I would later regret. I know to take a day to blow off so that I can think rational. So...after taking in what everyone has said, we spoke today. I had to kind of walk her though it a little, she is quiet. If there is one reccomendation I can give people. When you want something, sell the idea. Demanding something from someone only makes someone feel slighted and unappreciated.

Much like how many pointed out. It is not the desire to spend Christmas with her family over me. Much of her would rahter spend the holidays with me as a family. She sees this as a last chance that she will spend with her family ( she thought 5 years before she will be able to return, I think it is more like 2 ). Had she expressed this differently, eased into it and prefaced it better, I would not have have felt so hurt. It just came accross hard and harsh. Knowing this I want her to spend the holidays with her family. Her happiness is very important to me and I do love her. There is nothing more that I want than to spend Christmas with her and our child. This is not going to be easy for me, I don't think it is going to be easy for her either. While I will spend mine with friends, missing her and our child. I know that I will feel so much better knowing that she is savoring this Christmas with her family.

Thanks again to all those who posted.

Edited November 13, 2008 by GwizCraig

[diadromous mermaid 36]

All's well that ends well. Best of luck to you!

[GwizCraig 0]

Thanks,

Sorry that I called you a judgemental crow, your opinion like many others helped to reach what I feel is the right answer.

All's well that ends well. Best of luck to you!

[sj5 4]

Why should I not have trouble with this? Is that what you would choose? So many tell me that they would want to be at their spouses side, I know that I want to spend the holidays with them. You talk big for someone who is not in my shoes.

Then you shouldn't have trouble to let your fiancee to stay with her family this Xmass 2009. She'll stay with you forever.(Hopefully she will)

I've never been with someone else shoes but I understand you and your fiancee. You'll have her not just Xmass but at all times not when you're working.

I don't know why so many people want to be with their spouse but once they're in USA? they want to go home.

THAT DOESN'T make any sense ? if you want to go home,, then go. don't let the door hit you in ur azz. and if you think tradition is important, and you live in the USA . then you better get use to a x-mas tree in the house. if they made plans to be together during the holidays, and she changes the plans without first discussing it with him. then he has all the right in the world to be upset. long distance relationships come with a big price. relocating is just the start.

okay.. I can switch my advice to this..

Craig, it seems I get introuble to help you how to understand your fiancee. If your fiancee doesn't come over on this Xmass coming tell her you don't want her anymore. Tell her how important to you. Make her choose.. you or her parents. Indeed.

Good advice?

Edited November 13, 2008 by SJ

[sj5 4]

THAT DOESN'T make any sense ? if you want to go home,, then go. don't let the door hit you in ur azz. and if you think tradition is important, and you live in the USA . then you better get use to a x-mas tree in the house. if they made plans to be together during the holidays, and she changes the plans without first discussing it with him. then he has all the right in the world to be upset. long distance relationships come with a big price. relocating is just the start.

YOu know why some marriage failed? Because of selfishness.(All about me me me me not you) Did you read what others post here?

I don't have family to give sh!t with.. They're in Europe.. so guess what.. shove your words to your azz instead.

[GlobeHopperMama 95]

I'm glad you got communication rolling on this issue. By the way, maybe it would also be helpful to find out processing times, because I believe she would be able to go back and visit WAYYY sooner than 2 yrs. As far as I know, AP documents are processing in under 90 days, and the whole AOS takes less than a year right now. Maybe someone will correct me if I'm wrong.

I can understand your fiancee's dilemma. I lived in Mexico with my husband and only came back to the US for financial reasons once I was pregnant, since we couldn't pay for prenatal care on our Mexican salaries. It was a tough choice, and now that I'm here in the US, I'm constantly conflicted. I'm back with my family, and I'm so glad for their support throughout the pregnancy and when the baby's born in a couple weeks. Once I'm a mother, I know it's going to stay difficult. Here, I have my mom to help me learn how to care for the baby. My parents love the baby already and I'll hate to take him away from them. Also, my family is the one with all the huge traditions. I am Guatemalan and Italian-American, and we have huge family parties and multi-day celebrations for Christmas. Meanwhile, my husband only has a couple family members in Mexico and they don't do much for Christmas. This year, I don't get a choice, since the baby will only be a couple days old by Christmas so I will definitely stay in the US. But in the future, it's going to be tough. I love my husband more than anything, and I can't wait to be back in the same country with him. But leaving my family behind will always be a tough choice. Hopefully in our case, someday I won't have to choose anymore.