Yeah! K-1 Approved, with child. Now I'm not so sure.

[sj5 4]

Because we met as friends, I was not expecting things to go as they did. She was not my fiancee at the time when this happened you judgemental crow!

...And you wonder why she might be having misgivings? You're not committed to her, even though you proclaim you are. Whether she is to you, I don't know. After all, in your first post, you referred to her as a friend, who became impregnated. Not a fiancée, a friend.

Impregnated my friend!

Friend with benefits

[HannahP 119]

Exactly. And herein lies the problems associated with you having certain "expectations" of her, that are typical in a romantic relationship, but may not be in a relationship that was cemented as a result of a life-changing event.

You have some very idealized notions about "romantic love."

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Not really. It appears that the OP senses that because they have decided to marry for the sake of the child, that this must mean she loves him. Not necessarily so. That doesn't mean she doesn't care for him, or even love him in some way, but that differs from being in love with him. His expectations are that he is her priority. Not under those types of circumstances. Her child and her family would be priority. He would be important, but not necessarily in a position before them.

Exactly. And herein lies the problems associated with you having certain "expectations" of her, that are typical in a romantic relationship, but may not be in a relationship that was cemented as a result of a life-changing event.

You have some very idealized notions about "romantic love."

[ronjie 0]

my wifes visa should be here before christmas, so as I read this I asked her if she would like to spend one last christmas there with her family. (which she is also very close with ). her reply was spending x-mas here with our sons and our new family was her choice and priority. it really sucks when you make plans and someone changes them mid-stream. but that shouldn't be a reason to back out of the relationship. but if you are not 100% sure and still want to try to make it work. then this might be a good time to look into a prenuptual contract. have some patiance and try to understand she is probrably scared to leave. and her family is her comfort zone. now is the time to find your comfort zone. it does seem like you expect something for what you have given to the family. my question is, when and if she moves with you, do you still intend to do so much for the family on a regular basis ? or are you just trying to buy their support ?

[GwizCraig 0]

We professed our love for each other before we found out she was pregnant. And still do today. I do love her but worry about our future, I am a guy who works with knowns and rarely takes chances. I also like to stick to a plan and don't like chaos. So this causes me to have "cold feet" as well. I don't blame her for being apprehensive but I should not be chastised for feeling that way either. I have only expressed to her at this time that I am unhappy that we will not be spending the holidays together, and that is where I am going to leave it. I do think she should communicate better and work harder to make me feel like I am family. If I don't start feeling more confident that we have a future, I don't think I can do this. Thank-you to everyone who has responded, it has given me food for thought. I would like to give a special thanks to those people who e-mailed me. It is understandable why many of you don't want to post your thoughts and feelings. I would say I learned much more from those who spoke to me in confident.

[GwizCraig 0]

While I will moderate and make sure what we give is justified ( college tuition, boarding house, reasonable food costs and expenses ) I will support her family like it is my own, I want to see them succeed in life. As for the slight extravagence, most of what I have done is for her, I love her and wanted her to be confortable through a very difficult time. Thank goodness men don't get pregnant

my wifes visa should be here before christmas, so as I read this I asked her if she would like to spend one last christmas there with her family. (which she is also very close with ). her reply was spending x-mas here with our sons and our new family was her choice and priority. it really sucks when you make plans and someone changes them mid-stream. but that shouldn't be a reason to back out of the relationship. but if you are not 100% sure and still want to try to make it work. then this might be a good time to look into a prenuptual contract. have some patiance and try to understand she is probrably scared to leave. and her family is her comfort zone. now is the time to find your comfort zone. it does seem like you expect something for what you have given to the family. my question is, when and if she moves with you, do you still intend to do so much for the family on a regular basis ? or are you just trying to buy their support ?

Edited November 13, 2008 by GwizCraig

[sj5 4]

GwizCraig, you're saying she was your friend and not comfortable with her. Why you didn't use condom? Personally, I think you do like her and there's something you like about her. Don't trash your future wife on online because this is not good. Don't deceive her.

I understand you want to be with your child but don't use Xmass as a reason because isn't really very important.

Edited November 13, 2008 by SJ

[GwizCraig 0]

We did use protection, I could explain but I don't feel that is important and it is a bit personal. I don't feel that I am "trashing" her, but I am quite upset with her recent decision. Xmas is important, who does not want to spend the holidays with their family? It just amplifies my desire to be with my family, I want to be with them now. But I feel there are many reasons why I feel the way I do, her changing of the plan was the straw that broke the camels back.

GwizCraig, you're saying she was your friend and not comfortable with her. Why you didn't use condom? Personally, I think.. you do like her and there's something you like about her. Don't trash your future wife because this is not good. Don't deceive her.

I understand you want to be with your child. Don't use Xmass as a reason because isn't really very important.

[sj5 4]

We did use protection, I could explain but I don't feel that is important and it is a bit personal. I don't feel that I am "trashing" her, but I am quite upset with her recent decision. Xmas is important, who does not want to spend the holidays with their family? It just amplifies my desire to be with my family, I want to be with them now. But I feel there are many reasons why I feel the way I do, her changing of the plan was the straw that broke the camels back.

Xmas is important, who does not want to spend the holidays with their family? Everyone.

Then you shouldn't have trouble to let your fiancee to stay with her family this Xmass 2009. She'll stay with you forever.(Hopefully she will)

Edited November 13, 2008 by SJ

[GwizCraig 0]

Why should I not have trouble with this? Is that what you would choose? So many tell me that they would want to be at their spouses side, I know that I want to spend the holidays with them. You talk big for someone who is not in my shoes.

Then you shouldn't have trouble to let your fiancee to stay with her family this Xmass 2009. She'll stay with you forever.(Hopefully she will)

[sj5 4]

I mean.. everyone want to holiday with their family.

But I don't like to put Xmass trees inside our house but my husband likes it so I'm going to have it this year because its making him happy.

Edited November 13, 2008 by SJ

[sj5 4]

Why should I not have trouble with this? Is that what you would choose? So many tell me that they would want to be at their spouses side, I know that I want to spend the holidays with them. You talk big for someone who is not in my shoes.

Then you shouldn't have trouble to let your fiancee to stay with her family this Xmass 2009. She'll stay with you forever.(Hopefully she will)

I've never been with someone else shoes but I understand you and your fiancee. You'll have her not just Xmass but at all times not when you're working.

I don't know why so many people want to be with their spouse but once they're in USA? they want to go home.

Edited November 13, 2008 by SJ

[JSVP08 3]

Real love is unconditional. Sounds like you think she OWES you something. Nice love. Sounds more like a business negotiation in which case, you definitely should come out on top - but love isn't business, man. Asking a Philipina to be away from her family, let alone move to another country, is big business (I have filipino friends...) - I'm surprised you haven't realized that yet after all your visits. And all you HAVE realized is that YOU feel excluded. Not nice, but if you love the girl #######-for-tat is not the way to approach these problems - she will never be able to repay you for all you've done for her family and if you keep a tally she's gonna lose every argument in the future (if you decide to have a future-right now you're winning so I'd say it's safest for HER if you quit while you're ahead) - your response is probably that you will be happy if she'll just come for Christmas and all will be fine - but your attitude and speech has already betrayed you - if she comes and you marry her, you two will have future arguments - and I feel sorry for her because if she caves to your selfishness now, she'll indeed have to cave in every other argument when out from your argumentary arsenal comes the "$100K/nice house in Arizona/financially supporting half of the Phillipines"...how can she fight that? It's nice that you help/ed her family, but no one forced you to do that, and if you did it for love you WON'T use it as ammunition!!!

You've proven to be a man-sized child pouting because he can't see his child (who won't know the difference between Dec 25 and Jan 25) on one day of the year! Come on! This woman doesn't know when she'll see her family again! (oh, I'm sure you can afford to fly her home once a year, but if YOU won't go there for Christmas I guess you probably won't let her go either...gotta conserve that college fund...) And seriously, what's so bad about celebrating later? The day isn't what matters, it's being together...and one more thing. You seem to think that your money, house, country and stubborn/arrogant/yet-oh-so-generous love is somehow equal to the value of her family and that the two are interchangeable! Ditch the materialistic attitude and stop your double-standard jibberish! (your "#######!" response to "She wants to be with her family for Christmas" is a disgusting hypocritical reaction to you not getting what you want - you feel that YOU being with YOUR child, who doesn't know the difference, is justified, but HER being with HER entire family is worthy of "#######!") If she needs one more Christmas with her fam, give it to her...and use that $100K to have a fine New Year's celebration with her and the baby - and think about how you'd feel if your child grows up, falls in love with a foreigner, decides to move away to another country. Wouldn't you like to have one more Christmas with YOUR child? (when the child is actually old enough to appreciate it) If you really love someone, you'll keep giving....Thank you for suggesting we not bash your fiance but it was completely unnecessary as you've set yourself up as a big enough target.

Tip: Don't flaunt your wealth as reason for your fiance to want to live here or love you. Many people have happy lives without any of that and and your STUFF won't guarantee her any happiness if she leaves her home and family with regrets. This is primarily about you and her, but my mom had guilt about leaving her own family, and it has the potential to destroy a home. Don't let your selfishness do that to your future.

p.s. of course, if she keeps insisting on having the next few holidays with her family, I might assume she's stalling, but at this point her staying for Christmas is completely valid and you just need to suck it up, walk around your big house, browse through your last few paychecks, check out those sunny skies of Arizona and be thankful you aren't the one who has to leave what's most important to them.

wow! ur my man !! (...errr...woman?- not sure about ur gender...sorry mich) Love ur response!

[KimandRuss 0]

I dont know if this will help you or not but, as mentioned, this may just have much to do with how one is raised... We spent years apart because I couldn't uproot my children and move them to NZ or leave my family here for any great length of time. We made those sacrafices for the good of everybody else we love. it was the right choice for us at the time.

It had nothing to do with how much I love my now husband or how much I wanted to be with him compared to how much I wanted to be with my family. I knew he would be coming to me.... for all of the same reasons your fiance is probably taking this time to say her 'goodbye's' to her family.

I say follow your heart and what it's telling you but give her the benefit of the doubt for now and dont make it a choice.

btw...Congratulations!

[rmncm 0]

Goodluck with your descission what ever it may be. I'm going to add my 2 cents in for what it's worth and I really hope it doesn't cause you more pain. My first marriage lasted 14 years...the last 11 or so years there was no love. I stayed with my ex-wife becuase of the children. The problem lies in the fact that children are very perceptive when it comes to certain things. Even though we tried to hide it from them, they picked up on the fact that we were not happy. We tried to hide the fights from them as much as possible but unfortantly it will still happen around them. The last 2 years every single person in the house was on pins and needles, no one was happy. Then the most beautiful thing happened, I cought my ex-wife sleeping with another man. I kicked her @$$ out. A funny thing happened after this to me and my kids with in 6 months...we started to smile more, laugh more and all around were just happy. My point in this is do what you guys feel is right, no one can make the descission for you but also realize that if you guys get married for the sake of your child, your not only going to screw your lifes up but the life of the most innocent person involved...you child.

My wife is pinoy and we had had many discussions about her staying in the PI for xmas. Family is important just as is religion. What I realized is that I could not live without her and wanted to spend xmas with her above everything but I knew this was just the selfish part of me. The fact of the matter was I realized that she would be leaving her whole family behind for the sake of our love so I always had the option of staying for xmas on the table for her to choose. I'm just thankful she choose to be with me vrs her family. Her reasoning behind this??? "I already spent 29 years with them" "Your my husband and family now" Well I felt good but also feel really horriable inside...she has left everything behind for the sake of us and it makes me sad knowing she wont get to see her mom and neice for xmas...also my wife is due with her first child in January and this is another event her family will miss out on.

All I can say to you is good luck and do what you guys feel is right.