Yeah! K-1 Approved, with child. Now I'm not so sure.

[GwizCraig 0]

I don't know. I feel compelled to do what is right for my child. This clouds things. I would like to think that we would have naturally fallen in love, but I don't know. I care for her deeply but don't feel that I really know her. We have spoken just about every day and up until today, she kept telling me that she wanted to spend the holidays with me. I know people want to tell me it does not matter. I dare anyone to watch their child grow over a cam and not be upset when you get the opportunity to be together and the person in the way is the one that is supposed to love you. I feel that I have already missed out on too much, her sudden reversal has left me hurt and confused.

I am not a crow, and not judgmental. I am observant, however. You were friends. Admitted. Then the "act" changed all of that. Why is not possible for you to see that while you accelerated the status of the relationship as a result of that "act" that doesn't mean to say that the committment to be together was borne out of love for one another? So, you admit that you did not expect things to go as they did. In other words, had she not become impregnated, you might not have decided to marry?

Because we met as friends, I was not expecting things to go as they did. She was not my fiancee at the time when this happened you judgemental crow!

...And you wonder why she might be having misgivings? You're not committed to her, even though you proclaim you are. Whether she is to you, I don't know. After all, in your first post, you referred to her as a friend, who became impregnated. Not a fiancée, a friend.

Edited November 13, 2008 by GwizCraig

[STEPHnRIA 2]

Real love is unconditional. Sounds like you think she OWES you something. Nice love. Sounds more like a business negotiation in which case, you definitely should come out on top - but love isn't business, man. Asking a Philipina to be away from her family, let alone move to another country, is big business (I have filipino friends...) - I'm surprised you haven't realized that yet after all your visits. And all you HAVE realized is that YOU feel excluded. Not nice, but if you love the girl #######-for-tat is not the way to approach these problems - she will never be able to repay you for all you've done for her family and if you keep a tally she's gonna lose every argument in the future (if you decide to have a future-right now you're winning so I'd say it's safest for HER if you quit while you're ahead) - your response is probably that you will be happy if she'll just come for Christmas and all will be fine - but your attitude and speech has already betrayed you - if she comes and you marry her, you two will have future arguments - and I feel sorry for her because if she caves to your selfishness now, she'll indeed have to cave in every other argument when out from your argumentary arsenal comes the "$100K/nice house in Arizona/financially supporting half of the Phillipines"...how can she fight that? It's nice that you help/ed her family, but no one forced you to do that, and if you did it for love you WON'T use it as ammunition!!!

You've proven to be a man-sized child pouting because he can't see his child (who won't know the difference between Dec 25 and Jan 25) on one day of the year! Come on! This woman doesn't know when she'll see her family again! (oh, I'm sure you can afford to fly her home once a year, but if YOU won't go there for Christmas I guess you probably won't let her go either...gotta conserve that college fund...) And seriously, what's so bad about celebrating later? The day isn't what matters, it's being together...and one more thing. You seem to think that your money, house, country and stubborn/arrogant/yet-oh-so-generous love is somehow equal to the value of her family and that the two are interchangeable! Ditch the materialistic attitude and stop your double-standard jibberish! (your "#######!" response to "She wants to be with her family for Christmas" is a disgusting hypocritical reaction to you not getting what you want - you feel that YOU being with YOUR child, who doesn't know the difference, is justified, but HER being with HER entire family is worthy of "#######!") If she needs one more Christmas with her fam, give it to her...and use that $100K to have a fine New Year's celebration with her and the baby - and think about how you'd feel if your child grows up, falls in love with a foreigner, decides to move away to another country. Wouldn't you like to have one more Christmas with YOUR child? (when the child is actually old enough to appreciate it) If you really love someone, you'll keep giving....Thank you for suggesting we not bash your fiance but it was completely unnecessary as you've set yourself up as a big enough target.

Tip: Don't flaunt your wealth as reason for your fiance to want to live here or love you. Many people have happy lives without any of that and and your STUFF won't guarantee her any happiness if she leaves her home and family with regrets. This is primarily about you and her, but my mom had guilt about leaving her own family, and it has the potential to destroy a home. Don't let your selfishness do that to your future.

p.s. of course, if she keeps insisting on having the next few holidays with her family, I might assume she's stalling, but at this point her staying for Christmas is completely valid and you just need to suck it up, walk around your big house, browse through your last few paychecks, check out those sunny skies of Arizona and be thankful you aren't the one who has to leave what's most important to them.

Wow Mitch! This is everything I wanted to say!

[sara..... 371]

oh ho i guess i have to say what im thinking even if nobody likes it sometimes the dream of coming to the usa to be with the person u love is so strong and feels like it will take for ever then all of a sudden it happens and the person has to come to terms of this is it im leaving my family my friends my country and that is truly when it hits home it does not mean in most cases that the person has changed their mind but they suddenly realize they wont be seeing anyone they love there as in family or be around anything that is familiar to them for a long long time........sure u want to be with ur child and her for the holidays but really cut some slack for her.......she is leaving everything behind that she knows and is comfortable with to be with u......is it so very wrong of her to want to spend would could be the last holiday for a year or more with her family there? ..........the next time her family sees ur child that child will be walking and or crawling......be kind and allow this time for her family to say their good byes to her........

sara

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Now we are getting somewhere. Don't you see that the "holidays" aren't the essence of the issue? It is the fact that she is not jumping at the opportunity to run here to be with you. As if a month doesn't make that much of a difference. But in actuality, it doesn't. If you are compelled to do what is right for your child, that's admirable. It's also not entirely out of the realm of possibility, that she is compelled to do the same. From her perspective, does that include conforming to the original plan and coming here to be here for Christmas? Perhaps not.

I sense you are confounding two quite distinct situations. A decision to spend your lives together for the good of the child you have together. A decision to spend the rest of your lives together because there is no one else in the world that is right for each other. Neither are wrong. But the dynamics found in one situation, may not so nearly be present in the other. Chances are you are viewing this relationship as one that can be molded into another.

I don't know. I feel compelled to do what is right for my child. This clouds things. I would like to think that we would have naturally fallen in love, but I don't know. I care for her deeply but don't feel that I really know her. We have spoken just about every day and up until today, she kept telling me that she wanted to spend the holidays with me. I know people want to tell me it does not matter. I dare anyone to watch their child grow over a cam and not be upset when you get the opportunity to be together and the person in the way is the one that is supposed to love you. I feel that I have already missed out on too much, her sudden reversal has left me hurt and confused.

I am not a crow, and not judgmental. I am observant, however. You were friends. Admitted. Then the "act" changed all of that. Why is not possible for you to see that while you accelerated the status of the relationship as a result of that "act" that doesn't mean to say that the committment to be together was borne out of love for one another? So, you admit that you did not expect things to go as they did. In other words, had she not become impregnated, you might not have decided to marry?

Because we met as friends, I was not expecting things to go as they did. She was not my fiancee at the time when this happened you judgemental crow!

...And you wonder why she might be having misgivings? You're not committed to her, even though you proclaim you are. Whether she is to you, I don't know. After all, in your first post, you referred to her as a friend, who became impregnated. Not a fiancée, a friend.

[STEPHnRIA 2]

She probably really wants to spend the holidays with you but has guilt feelings leaving her family. She doesn't know when she will be back so she is spending "one last Christmas" with her family. Let's say she made a decision to spend it with you, I don't think she will be completely happy. She may pretend to be but deep inside her she is not because of this guilt feelings and being homesick. Do you want that? Trust me, I spent Christmas in the US last 2006 and its the saddest Christmas Ive ever experienced because that was not I was accustomed to and my family is so far away. You are not really missing much because all a six month old baby does is eat, sleep and coo. You will enjoy your child more when he starts walking, talking and call your name which is one year old onwards. Whats one month GwizCraig? Is this enough reason for you to change your mind about her and the baby? Because I hate to burst your bubbles, this is not the only argument you will ever have with her. There will be more issues and she will never win if you keep on shoving to her face everything you did to help her family. And let me tell you this... THE BEST WAY FOR A FATHER TO LOVE HIS CHILD IS TO LOVE THE CHILD'S MOTHER.

I don't know. I feel compelled to do what is right for my child. This clouds things. I would like to think that we would have naturally fallen in love, but I don't know. I care for her deeply but don't feel that I really know her. We have spoken just about every day and up until today, she kept telling me that she wanted to spend the holidays with me. I know people want to tell me it does not matter. It has always felt so close that we keep holding off on a trip. I give her the choice of if I visit or send her the money that I have saved for a plane ticket. I dare anyone to watch their child grow over a cam and not be upset when you get the opportunity to be together and the person in the way is the one that is supposed to love you. I feel that I have already missed out on too much, her sudden reversal has left me hurt and confused.

I am not a crow, and not judgmental. I am observant, however. You were friends. Admitted. Then the "act" changed all of that. Why is not possible for you to see that while you accelerated the status of the relationship as a result of that "act" that doesn't mean to say that the committment to be together was borne out of love for one another? So, you admit that you did not expect things to go as they did. In other words, had she not become impregnated, you might not have decided to marry?

Because we met as friends, I was not expecting things to go as they did. She was not my fiancee at the time when this happened you judgemental crow!

...And you wonder why she might be having misgivings? You're not committed to her, even though you proclaim you are. Whether she is to you, I don't know. After all, in your first post, you referred to her as a friend, who became impregnated. Not a fiancée, a friend.

Edited November 13, 2008 by STEPHnRIA

[msu17 0]

While we clearly don't know her side and what she has and has not reciprocated, you do sound a bit petulant. Though when I get really mad for good reasons I also start finding a bunch of other reasons that aren't so good to prove my point.

This kinda sounds like cold feet (assuming she does want to marry you etc.) My husband moved here for me, gave up everything blah blah blah but on our wedding day I really freaked (even though I wanted to be with him more than anything). The prospect of forever just was overwhelming. Getting the visa may have been that moment for her. Doing the paperwork may not have been a big deal, but seeing that visa in her passport or getting the interview letter may have been the moment that made it "real". I don't know much about her culture, but from what I've picked up on VJ, it seems like family and religion are very important to Phillipina's. Christmas is both a huge religious as well as family holiday. I'm just thinking that if I was already having a freak out moment about getting the visa the prospect of leaving before christmas may be too much. I think if it were me, no matter how much you helped out with the family etc I would be feeling super selfish. I'm sure you've helped as much as possible with the child, but she has had to raise it without you due to the situation AND now she has to pack up and move 1/2 way across the world. I think that's enough to make anyone feel a bit entitled to one last big family holiday. PLUS like someone said she just had a baby a few months ago, there's postpartum etc to think about.

I think the best thing to do is talk to her and be as understanding of her position as possible. My husband has a hard time expressing how he's feeling sometimes so I ask things in a yes or no kinda way. Ie instead of saying why don't you want to be here with me for Christmas ask if she's feeling scared and wants one last holiday with her family or something like that. I think you also need to explain to her that you really want her here and all those delays have made the extra month that much harder to take. I'd try and leave the $$ out of it (it kinda makes you sound like you paid for it, now you want what you paid for, I get super PO-ed when my husband pulls that line). Tell her you would love to be there for X-mas but can't get the time off work and see what kinda compromise you can make. Something like she stays for x-mas but you buy a ticket for her and the baby for the 27th or something and you have new years here.

I hope this all works out for you both. You've gone this far, I' hate to see you turn back now.

[Cherel & Bob 0]

Wow. This would be a great story about 2 cultures coming together or the problems of 2 cultures coming together. Unfortunately this is real life and not just a story.

My fiance, Cherel, who is filipana happens to agree with "GwizCraig". She feels like the GF should growup. She applied for the VISA, she got approved, she should be ready to go to the States on a moments notice. She thinks that it is ridiculous for the GF to delay this.

I happen to feel badly for the GF in this situation. I imagine that her family is putting an unbearable amount of pressure on her to just stay with them for this one last xmas. She is probably looking for some support and understanding from "GwizCraig". I imagine she is quite scared to move away from the only home she has ever known.

Why don't you just set a firm date after the New Year for her to be here. When she arrives you can set up an xmas tree together, celebrate it on the 25th of January and have a wonderful story to tell your child when he/she is older. (Santa actually came to visit you in the Phils and the States for your 1st Xmas).

I can understand your desire to be with your child for the first xmas, I can understand you not being able to fly over there due to work, but be a man about this. The holidays come every year. You have the rest of your life to be with her and the child. Make her happy. This is about her.

Bob

[GwizCraig 0]

Thank-you very much. Everyone wants to paint me as a materialistic man-child. I will admit reading my own writing I might feel the same. But I wanted to show that I have done everything I can to contribute and be there for her. And it is less about 1 month than her actions. This is what has caused me to stress. I wanted 0 time, be together as soon as it was possible. Granted I had an ideal of all of us spending Christmas together but is not the crux of the issue. It is her change of attitude and makes me question if she is dedicated to this. I would rather she take all the time if that is necessary for her to figure it out. I can't tell if I'm getting an honest answer from her. I think she would tell me the same response regardless if her feelings are true or not. I'd like to believe they are but I pose my argument with this. Tell me there is not a chance she feels compelled/obligated to tell me she loves me. While I like to believe her, I worry that her judgement might be "clouded" as well because of our child. Getting married to me is a serious thing, a lifetime comittment. I don't need to go messing up our child, her life nor mine by getting into a realtionship that is going to fail.

Wow. This would be a great story about 2 cultures coming together or the problems of 2 cultures coming together. Unfortunately this is real life and not just a story.

My fiance, Cherel, who is filipana happens to agree with "GwizCraig". She feels like the GF should growup. She applied for the VISA, she got approved, she should be ready to go to the States on a moments notice. She thinks that it is ridiculous for the GF to delay this.

I happen to feel badly for the GF in this situation. I imagine that her family is putting an unbearable amount of pressure on her to just stay with them for this one last xmas. She is probably looking for some support and understanding from "GwizCraig". I imagine she is quite scared to move away from the only home she has ever known.

Why don't you just set a firm date after the New Year for her to be here. When she arrives you can set up an xmas tree together, celebrate it on the 25th of January and have a wonderful story to tell your child when he/she is older. (Santa actually came to visit you in the Phils and the States for your 1st Xmas).

I can understand your desire to be with your child for the first xmas, I can understand you not being able to fly over there due to work, but be a man about this. The holidays come every year. You have the rest of your life to be with her and the child. Make her happy. This is about her.

Bob

[msu17 0]

If it's a sudden change, I honestly think it's just cold feet. Doesn't mean she doesn't want to be with you, just scared about all the changes soon to come. Try and step back and look at it rationally/put yourself in her shoes. Is what she saying making sense if she's scared about moving here or does it not fit? Unfortunately these circumstances sometimes force us to look at our partners in a light we don't want to and most others don't have to. It's not romantic, but it is smart.

[Old Dominion 26]

It would be regarded as quite normal for a young Filipina to want to spend this last holiday with her family. She comes from a culture that is all about family. Regard her wishes as gently as you can, and if all goes well your kindness will be repaid in good measure. Perhaps now would be a good time to talk with her about coming over in January instead. If she has any sense that you are having a tantrum over this, apologize if you can. Filipinas hear so many stories about how American men have short fuses and I know they can be very frightened about what's ahead.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Exactly. And herein lies the problems associated with you having certain "expectations" of her, that are typical in a romantic relationship, but may not be in a relationship that was cemented as a result of a life-changing event. Simply put, even if she contemplated marrying you for the sake of the child, why is it that you have come to expect that she will be in love with you? It's not necessarily a requirement.

I will venture to say that if she is going forward with this relationship for the sake of the child's best interests, there is a good chance that she feels not only obligated to say, but somewhere inside she feels that it is her duty to say she loves you, even if it is not true. That's all part of the sacrifice of one's own ideals and wonts for those of the child.

If you are trying to determine if she is in love with you, make no plans, have no expectations, have no requirements...and see what happens.

Thank-you very much. Everyone wants to paint me as a materialistic man-child. I will admit reading my own writing I might feel the same. But I wanted to show that I have done everything I can to contribute and be there for her. And it is less about 1 month than her actions. This is what has caused me to stress. I wanted 0 time, be together as soon as it was possible. Granted I had an ideal of all of us spending Christmas together but is not the crux of the issue. It is her change of attitude and makes me question if she is dedicated to this. I would rather she take all the time if that is necessary for her to figure it out. I can't tell if I'm getting an honest answer from her. I think she would tell me the same response regardless if her feelings are true or not. I'd like to believe they are but I pose my argument with this. Tell me there is not a chance she feels compelled/obligated to tell me she loves me. While I like to believe her, I worry that her judgement might be "clouded" as well because of our child. Getting married to me is a serious thing, a lifetime comittment. I don't need to go messing up our child, her life nor mine by getting into a realtionship that is going to fail.

Wow. This would be a great story about 2 cultures coming together or the problems of 2 cultures coming together. Unfortunately this is real life and not just a story.

My fiance, Cherel, who is filipana happens to agree with "GwizCraig". She feels like the GF should growup. She applied for the VISA, she got approved, she should be ready to go to the States on a moments notice. She thinks that it is ridiculous for the GF to delay this.

I happen to feel badly for the GF in this situation. I imagine that her family is putting an unbearable amount of pressure on her to just stay with them for this one last xmas. She is probably looking for some support and understanding from "GwizCraig". I imagine she is quite scared to move away from the only home she has ever known.

Why don't you just set a firm date after the New Year for her to be here. When she arrives you can set up an xmas tree together, celebrate it on the 25th of January and have a wonderful story to tell your child when he/she is older. (Santa actually came to visit you in the Phils and the States for your 1st Xmas).

I can understand your desire to be with your child for the first xmas, I can understand you not being able to fly over there due to work, but be a man about this. The holidays come every year. You have the rest of your life to be with her and the child. Make her happy. This is about her.

Bob

[Cherel & Bob 0]

Giving her time to get ready mentally is a big part of this all. Everything happening right before the holidays probably did not help things. Let her have the holidays with her family in the Phils.

Set a FIRM date for her to come to the States sometime in January. If she tries to delay that date then you probably do have something to worry about.

Before you commit to marriage I would wait until the last possible moment before that K1 expires to actually have the ceremony. 90 days is not a lot of time to make sure you are both 100% committed to the marriage but i is better than nothing.

I've never really understood the 90 day marry or go home logic behind the K1. 90 days is just long enough to realize that you can't live without some one, another 90 after that you realize you can't live with someone.

Good Luck

Bob

[Carlos and Jocel 2]

Look likes her agenda is different than yours... my wife wants to be with me NOW no matter how much the ticket cost even if I have to take a loan for the super expensive christmas fare. LOL! I can't decide for you or neither any of us from this VJ but you need to look the whole pictures. My advice... follow your heart! YOU now becomes the priority for her specially that you have a child together. Goodluck... !

Anyway I filed my I-129F on Jul 1st and I-130 on June 17, the only thing I have is I-129F touched on 15th Jul and I-130 touched on Oct 1, 2008... nothing since then. My wife wants to be with me NOW... and so do I and can't do except wait for VSC to do something. I think they reading this.... HEY VSC staff I need my wife's visa hope by Christmas , my wife is here... chnace of that....... ummmn

[ryandgracey 2]

Just some thoughts...

You have known her for less than a year? Seen her once in less than a year? Yes, you may have spoken to her everyday but to actually be with her and experience Filipino culture with her everyday is different. You two have not been given the chance to really know one another and you are now jumping into this relationship because of an accident. Maybe you both need to re-evaluate your relationship? Pity though, because the visa is already there, but is would be even a greater pity if you both are entering into a lifetime relationship for the wrong reasons.

The Filipino family is a very close-knit group and occasions such as the holidays, birthdays, baptisms, weddings are very, very important to them. My husband understands this and respects..even tells me that if I want to spend this last Christmas with my family in the face of getting a visa pre-holidays, he is all for that. Understand her apprehension as well, as I am sure that is also an issue. You are a seasoned traveller who doesn't seem to have much qualms about being away from home for short periods of time; she is not and will now be leaving the only home she has ever known for good...save for the occasional visits back, I would think.

Good luck to you both.

[STEPHnRIA 2]

If it's a sudden change, I honestly think it's just cold feet. Doesn't mean she doesn't want to be with you, just scared about all the changes soon to come. Try and step back and look at it rationally/put yourself in her shoes. Is what she saying making sense if she's scared about moving here or does it not fit? Unfortunately these circumstances sometimes force us to look at our partners in a light we don't want to and most others don't have to. It's not romantic, but it is smart.

I think its cold feet too. Exactly what I am feeling right now. I was so pre occupied with this visa wait and when my fiancee called me to say that the embassy said that they are done with my case, I freaked out. NOw I wanted a delay to release my visa. Ive become so emotional. I just look at my parents and tears would roll down my cheeks. It was my fiancee who asked if I want to spend the Christmas here and I appreciate him for that. But then again there is no baby involved and he is not sending money to my family so its a different case.