Yeah! K-1 Approved, with child. Now I'm not so sure.

[Ban Hammer 13,340]

Indeed.

oooo mermaid on the warpath

be gentle, he's new.

[pinktulips2012 1]

3) Applied for K-1 visa ( I've done most of the work until recently ) She has has to fly to the capital to do medical, interview for her and our new born.

I'll confine my response to the immigration related issues. If you are the father of this newborn, the child doesn't need a K2 visa, but rather a US passport. You file a Consular Report of Birth abroad, so the child is a US Citizen.

the child now had dual citizen. FILIPINO-AMERICAN.

my advise: let her spend christmas to her family, because it will take a couple of years before she will spend another christmas with them if the two of you will decide to settledown.

Edited November 13, 2008 by stevent

[diadromous mermaid 36]

New, here, true. I suspect not new to "this".

Indeed.

oooo mermaid on the warpath

be gentle, he's new.

[pushbrk 12,883]

3) Applied for K-1 visa ( I've done most of the work until recently ) She has has to fly to the capital to do medical, interview for her and our new born.

I'll confine my response to the immigration related issues. If you are the father of this newborn, the child doesn't need a K2 visa, but rather a US passport. You file a Consular Report of Birth abroad, so the child is a US Citizen.

the child now had dual citizen. FILIPINO-AMERICAN.

my advise: let her spend christmas to her family, because it will take a couple of years before she will spend another christmas with them if the two of you will decide to settledown.

The child is entitled to US Citizenship but if he's having a visa interview, he doesn't have US Citizenship yet.

[rheanick 42]

I had a long winded story but opted to just give the facts, still long enough.

1) Trip to Philippines resulted in my friend at the time getting pregnant

2) Have spent around $15K in the last year in a second trip to meet the family and supporting her. ( new apartment, furniture, food, medical bills, k-1 processing... )

3) Applied for K-1 visa ( I've done most of the work until recently ) She has has to fly to the capital to do medical, interview for her and our new born.

4) The wait is finally over! Everything is approved! Is what we all work tirelessly for and dream of. I wanted so bad to have her and our child here for Thanksgiving and through the holidays.

5) She tells me that she wants to spend Christmas with her family.

6) #######!

Now I want to be as understanding as possible but when I ask her why, I get excuses.

Cost, airfare is more expensive. Like an apartment and living expenses for another month is cheap? And what difference does it make, I'm the one paying.

Time, can't get everything moved in time. We are giving everything to her family ( again, everything in question I paid for ). Why not just tell them to raid the apartment and take what they want, she is not a moving company.

Mood, doesn't want to bring me down over the holidays. Ok, because I'm so much happier spending them without my family.

When confronted her with the concept of spending the holidays without our child, she freaked out and said "No way!" But isn't that essentially what she is making me do? So angry and frusterated, I'm about to call the whole thing off! I love her, she says she loves me but actions are speaking louder. I would do anything for my child but going into a ( potentially ) bad marriage is not something I am willing to do. I do know that she worries about leaving her country and family, going somewhere new. But she is coming here to be with me so we can raise our child together. ( Prescott, AZ ) Is a very nice place and I have a great house ( 4 bed/ 3 bath ) and job ( almost $100K/yr ). 1 month is not going to make a huge difference in a lifetime, but spending the first Christmas without my child is crushing. As hopefully what comes through in this rant is that I do care and want to do what is best for us and our child. I have been treated like an outsider the whole time and am tired of it, I've done just about everything I can for her and her family. I could have bailed anytime but have chosen to stick it out and do what I feel is right. While I could put my foot down and make things happen, I am wanting her to figure this out herself. I don't understand the dynamics of filipinas fully and have always been frusterated by her lack of ability to explain herself and what she is feeling ( shy and quiet ). If there is anyone out there who can clarify/translate? I appreciate all responses, good and bad.

I see three options.

1) Use the K-1 Bring her here and marry her. Big risk with potential for big downfall.

2) Stall and hope things get better. We have 6 months before she has to come here. Once I miss Christmas, I don't care. I've waited a year for this and now with the wind taken out of me, I don't care if I wait another year.

3) Drop the K-1, don't get married. Look to get a tourist visa. Bring her here for a few months so she can see what it is like and if this is what she really wants. If we decide it is, re-apply for the k-1...and start over.

4) Bail on the whole concept, start negotiating what she needs for monthly maintenance. My child has dual citizenship so I can visit and someday they will be able to fly here for visits. I have no doubt someday my child will want to come here and live with dad.

And no, there is no #5. Bail and forget about her and our child. I want to be part of my kid life.

If you want to tell me to run, fine. And you can say what you want about me. But don't be rude or mean toward my fiance, I do care and will continue to support her and my child regardless. I'm open to suggestions and options, I've only put down what I can see. Maybe someone out there has a better solution?

[cdneh 3,112]

Sounds to me like both of you have misgivings about the entire thing. You went to visit a 'friend' and she got pregnant. I understand the wanting to do the right thing by your child, but is this really a relationship in the sense that it will last a lifetime?

[mich08 0]

Real love is unconditional. Sounds like you think she OWES you something. Nice love. Sounds more like a business negotiation in which case, you definitely should come out on top - but love isn't business, man. Asking a Philipina to be away from her family, let alone move to another country, is big business (I have filipino friends...) - I'm surprised you haven't realized that yet after all your visits. And all you HAVE realized is that YOU feel excluded. Not nice, but if you love the girl #######-for-tat is not the way to approach these problems - she will never be able to repay you for all you've done for her family and if you keep a tally she's gonna lose every argument in the future (if you decide to have a future-right now you're winning so I'd say it's safest for HER if you quit while you're ahead) - your response is probably that you will be happy if she'll just come for Christmas and all will be fine - but your attitude and speech has already betrayed you - if she comes and you marry her, you two will have future arguments - and I feel sorry for her because if she caves to your selfishness now, she'll indeed have to cave in every other argument when out from your argumentary arsenal comes the "$100K/nice house in Arizona/financially supporting half of the Phillipines"...how can she fight that? It's nice that you help/ed her family, but no one forced you to do that, and if you did it for love you WON'T use it as ammunition!!!

You've proven to be a man-sized child pouting because he can't see his child (who won't know the difference between Dec 25 and Jan 25) on one day of the year! Come on! This woman doesn't know when she'll see her family again! (oh, I'm sure you can afford to fly her home once a year, but if YOU won't go there for Christmas I guess you probably won't let her go either...gotta conserve that college fund...) And seriously, what's so bad about celebrating later? The day isn't what matters, it's being together...and one more thing. You seem to think that your money, house, country and stubborn/arrogant/yet-oh-so-generous love is somehow equal to the value of her family and that the two are interchangeable! Ditch the materialistic attitude and stop your double-standard jibberish! (your "#######!" response to "She wants to be with her family for Christmas" is a disgusting hypocritical reaction to you not getting what you want - you feel that YOU being with YOUR child, who doesn't know the difference, is justified, but HER being with HER entire family is worthy of "#######!") If she needs one more Christmas with her fam, give it to her...and use that $100K to have a fine New Year's celebration with her and the baby - and think about how you'd feel if your child grows up, falls in love with a foreigner, decides to move away to another country. Wouldn't you like to have one more Christmas with YOUR child? (when the child is actually old enough to appreciate it) If you really love someone, you'll keep giving....Thank you for suggesting we not bash your fiance but it was completely unnecessary as you've set yourself up as a big enough target.

Tip: Don't flaunt your wealth as reason for your fiance to want to live here or love you. Many people have happy lives without any of that and and your STUFF won't guarantee her any happiness if she leaves her home and family with regrets. This is primarily about you and her, but my mom had guilt about leaving her own family, and it has the potential to destroy a home. Don't let your selfishness do that to your future.

p.s. of course, if she keeps insisting on having the next few holidays with her family, I might assume she's stalling, but at this point her staying for Christmas is completely valid and you just need to suck it up, walk around your big house, browse through your last few paychecks, check out those sunny skies of Arizona and be thankful you aren't the one who has to leave what's most important to them.

[rheanick 42]

Reading your post, my understanding is that you are inquring why your fiance is delaying her trip to U.S.

Possible reasons (based on my analysis):

1. For filipino, christmas is a very important celebration. And as much as possible, spend it with the whole filipino family. Most of Filipinos go back to the philippines during chritsmas. I would say, during your marriage life with a filipina, expect to spend christmas in the philippines.

2. For your fiancee, philippines is still her "comfort zone", she has her family here... Sometimes it's hard to uproot yourself.

3. Some of the filipino are quite shy and quiet, possibly due to upbringing.. but im not implying that all filipina are shy and quiet...

Difference in culture is already at play in your present predicament.

For your approach, I would suggest to do it calmly, slowly and try to stretch your patience and understanding.... It's not easy...

BTW, i will be transferring to Phoenix, Arizona after my visa approval. Hopefully before Christmas. If she wants to meet a filipina, she could PM me.

Rhea

[honey_me 7]

Real love is unconditional. Sounds like you think she OWES you something. Nice love. Sounds more like a business negotiation in which case, you definitely should come out on top - but love isn't business, man. Asking a Philipina to be away from her family, let alone move to another country, is big business (I have filipino friends...) - I'm surprised you haven't realized that yet after all your visits. And all you HAVE realized is that YOU feel excluded. Not nice, but if you love the girl #######-for-tat is not the way to approach these problems - she will never be able to repay you for all you've done for her family and if you keep a tally she's gonna lose every argument in the future (if you decide to have a future-right now you're winning so I'd say it's safest for HER if you quit while you're ahead) - your response is probably that you will be happy if she'll just come for Christmas and all will be fine - but your attitude and speech has already betrayed you - if she comes and you marry her, you two will have future arguments - and I feel sorry for her because if she caves to your selfishness now, she'll indeed have to cave in every other argument when out from your argumentary arsenal comes the "$100K/nice house in Arizona/financially supporting half of the Phillipines"...how can she fight that? It's nice that you help/ed her family, but no one forced you to do that, and if you did it for love you WON'T use it as ammunition!!!

You've proven to be a man-sized child pouting because he can't see his child (who won't know the difference between Dec 25 and Jan 25) on one day of the year! Come on! This woman doesn't know when she'll see her family again! (oh, I'm sure you can afford to fly her home once a year, but if YOU won't go there for Christmas I guess you probably won't let her go either...gotta conserve that college fund...) And seriously, what's so bad about celebrating later? The day isn't what matters, it's being together...and one more thing. You seem to think that your money, house, country and stubborn/arrogant/yet-oh-so-generous love is somehow equal to the value of her family and that the two are interchangeable! Ditch the materialistic attitude and stop your double-standard jibberish! (your "#######!" response to "She wants to be with her family for Christmas" is a disgusting hypocritical reaction to you not getting what you want - you feel that YOU being with YOUR child, who doesn't know the difference, is justified, but HER being with HER entire family is worthy of "#######!") If she needs one more Christmas with her fam, give it to her...and use that $100K to have a fine New Year's celebration with her and the baby - and think about how you'd feel if your child grows up, falls in love with a foreigner, decides to move away to another country. Wouldn't you like to have one more Christmas with YOUR child? (when the child is actually old enough to appreciate it) If you really love someone, you'll keep giving....Thank you for suggesting we not bash your fiance but it was completely unnecessary as you've set yourself up as a big enough target.

Tip: Don't flaunt your wealth as reason for your fiance to want to live here or love you. Many people have happy lives without any of that and and your STUFF won't guarantee her any happiness if she leaves her home and family with regrets. This is primarily about you and her, but my mom had guilt about leaving her own family, and it has the potential to destroy a home. Don't let your selfishness do that to your future.

p.s. of course, if she keeps insisting on having the next few holidays with her family, I might assume she's stalling, but at this point her staying for Christmas is completely valid and you just need to suck it up, walk around your big house, browse through your last few paychecks, check out those sunny skies of Arizona and be thankful you aren't the one who has to leave what's most important to them.

Seconded

[GwizCraig 0]

Because we met as friends, I was not expecting things to go as they did. She was not my fiancee at the time when this happened you judgemental crow!

...And you wonder why she might be having misgivings? You're not committed to her, even though you proclaim you are. Whether she is to you, I don't know. After all, in your first post, you referred to her as a friend, who became impregnated. Not a fiancée, a friend.

[Stinkerpotsam 6]

I have to agree with everyone here; if we were approved for them to be moved over here for the holidays, while I would adore having them here, I would never in a million years feel offended or hurt that they waited.

I personally feel VERY blessed that he has opted to move here for us to be together so that I am not uprooted and taken from my family. I honestly can't even imagine how that would feel that last morning, knowing your leaving your home and family. No matter how excited I was to get to him!!!

I would encourage her to enjoy this time with them and keep the tree up no matter how long it takes.

[GwizCraig 0]

Thank-you Mitch. I do see how I came accross that way. But just trying to put the facts out there. I guess I have felt like I keep putting myself out there but not feeling reassured. It is not about the money but giving my future to someone whom I am not 100% comfortable with. If the situation was reversed I would want to be by her side with our child. They are my family, it is not about money, is about love and dedication. This is what bugs me.

Real love is unconditional. Sounds like you think she OWES you something. Nice love. Sounds more like a business negotiation in which case, you definitely should come out on top - but love isn't business, man. Asking a Philipina to be away from her family, let alone move to another country, is big business (I have filipino friends...) - I'm surprised you haven't realized that yet after all your visits. And all you HAVE realized is that YOU feel excluded. Not nice, but if you love the girl #######-for-tat is not the way to approach these problems - she will never be able to repay you for all you've done for her family and if you keep a tally she's gonna lose every argument in the future (if you decide to have a future-right now you're winning so I'd say it's safest for HER if you quit while you're ahead) - your response is probably that you will be happy if she'll just come for Christmas and all will be fine - but your attitude and speech has already betrayed you - if she comes and you marry her, you two will have future arguments - and I feel sorry for her because if she caves to your selfishness now, she'll indeed have to cave in every other argument when out from your argumentary arsenal comes the "$100K/nice house in Arizona/financially supporting half of the Phillipines"...how can she fight that? It's nice that you help/ed her family, but no one forced you to do that, and if you did it for love you WON'T use it as ammunition!!!

You've proven to be a man-sized child pouting because he can't see his child (who won't know the difference between Dec 25 and Jan 25) on one day of the year! Come on! This woman doesn't know when she'll see her family again! (oh, I'm sure you can afford to fly her home once a year, but if YOU won't go there for Christmas I guess you probably won't let her go either...gotta conserve that college fund...) And seriously, what's so bad about celebrating later? The day isn't what matters, it's being together...and one more thing. You seem to think that your money, house, country and stubborn/arrogant/yet-oh-so-generous love is somehow equal to the value of her family and that the two are interchangeable! Ditch the materialistic attitude and stop your double-standard jibberish! (your "#######!" response to "She wants to be with her family for Christmas" is a disgusting hypocritical reaction to you not getting what you want - you feel that YOU being with YOUR child, who doesn't know the difference, is justified, but HER being with HER entire family is worthy of "#######!") If she needs one more Christmas with her fam, give it to her...and use that $100K to have a fine New Year's celebration with her and the baby - and think about how you'd feel if your child grows up, falls in love with a foreigner, decides to move away to another country. Wouldn't you like to have one more Christmas with YOUR child? (when the child is actually old enough to appreciate it) If you really love someone, you'll keep giving....Thank you for suggesting we not bash your fiance but it was completely unnecessary as you've set yourself up as a big enough target.

Tip: Don't flaunt your wealth as reason for your fiance to want to live here or love you. Many people have happy lives without any of that and and your STUFF won't guarantee her any happiness if she leaves her home and family with regrets. This is primarily about you and her, but my mom had guilt about leaving her own family, and it has the potential to destroy a home. Don't let your selfishness do that to your future.

p.s. of course, if she keeps insisting on having the next few holidays with her family, I might assume she's stalling, but at this point her staying for Christmas is completely valid and you just need to suck it up, walk around your big house, browse through your last few paychecks, check out those sunny skies of Arizona and be thankful you aren't the one who has to leave what's most important to them.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

I am not a crow, and not judgmental. I am observant, however. You were friends. Admitted. Then the "act" changed all of that. Why is not possible for you to see that while you accelerated the status of the relationship as a result of that "act" that doesn't mean to say that the committment to be together was borne out of love for one another? So, you admit that you did not expect things to go as they did. In other words, had she not become impregnated, you might not have decided to marry?

Because we met as friends, I was not expecting things to go as they did. She was not my fiancee at the time when this happened you judgemental crow!

...And you wonder why she might be having misgivings? You're not committed to her, even though you proclaim you are. Whether she is to you, I don't know. After all, in your first post, you referred to her as a friend, who became impregnated. Not a fiancée, a friend.

[Boiler 45,516]

I wonder what percentages of mariages would not have occurred otherwise...

Or at least not so quickly.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Like I said, your own words speak volumes. You are not 100% sure of her because she is not conforming to the "plan". A plan, mind you, that was derived not out of two people choosing a path together, but out of an accident.

Thank-you Mitch. I do see how I came accross that way. But just trying to put the facts out there. I guess I have felt like I keep putting myself out there but not feeling reassured. It is not about the money but giving my future to someone whom I am not 100% comfortable with. If the situation was reversed I would want to be by her side with our child. They are my family, it is not about money, is about love and dedication. This is what bugs me.

Real love is unconditional. Sounds like you think she OWES you something. Nice love. Sounds more like a business negotiation in which case, you definitely should come out on top - but love isn't business, man. Asking a Philipina to be away from her family, let alone move to another country, is big business (I have filipino friends...) - I'm surprised you haven't realized that yet after all your visits. And all you HAVE realized is that YOU feel excluded. Not nice, but if you love the girl #######-for-tat is not the way to approach these problems - she will never be able to repay you for all you've done for her family and if you keep a tally she's gonna lose every argument in the future (if you decide to have a future-right now you're winning so I'd say it's safest for HER if you quit while you're ahead) - your response is probably that you will be happy if she'll just come for Christmas and all will be fine - but your attitude and speech has already betrayed you - if she comes and you marry her, you two will have future arguments - and I feel sorry for her because if she caves to your selfishness now, she'll indeed have to cave in every other argument when out from your argumentary arsenal comes the "$100K/nice house in Arizona/financially supporting half of the Phillipines"...how can she fight that? It's nice that you help/ed her family, but no one forced you to do that, and if you did it for love you WON'T use it as ammunition!!!

You've proven to be a man-sized child pouting because he can't see his child (who won't know the difference between Dec 25 and Jan 25) on one day of the year! Come on! This woman doesn't know when she'll see her family again! (oh, I'm sure you can afford to fly her home once a year, but if YOU won't go there for Christmas I guess you probably won't let her go either...gotta conserve that college fund...) And seriously, what's so bad about celebrating later? The day isn't what matters, it's being together...and one more thing. You seem to think that your money, house, country and stubborn/arrogant/yet-oh-so-generous love is somehow equal to the value of her family and that the two are interchangeable! Ditch the materialistic attitude and stop your double-standard jibberish! (your "#######!" response to "She wants to be with her family for Christmas" is a disgusting hypocritical reaction to you not getting what you want - you feel that YOU being with YOUR child, who doesn't know the difference, is justified, but HER being with HER entire family is worthy of "#######!") If she needs one more Christmas with her fam, give it to her...and use that $100K to have a fine New Year's celebration with her and the baby - and think about how you'd feel if your child grows up, falls in love with a foreigner, decides to move away to another country. Wouldn't you like to have one more Christmas with YOUR child? (when the child is actually old enough to appreciate it) If you really love someone, you'll keep giving....Thank you for suggesting we not bash your fiance but it was completely unnecessary as you've set yourself up as a big enough target.

Tip: Don't flaunt your wealth as reason for your fiance to want to live here or love you. Many people have happy lives without any of that and and your STUFF won't guarantee her any happiness if she leaves her home and family with regrets. This is primarily about you and her, but my mom had guilt about leaving her own family, and it has the potential to destroy a home. Don't let your selfishness do that to your future.

p.s. of course, if she keeps insisting on having the next few holidays with her family, I might assume she's stalling, but at this point her staying for Christmas is completely valid and you just need to suck it up, walk around your big house, browse through your last few paychecks, check out those sunny skies of Arizona and be thankful you aren't the one who has to leave what's most important to them.