Yeah! K-1 Approved, with child. Now I'm not so sure.

[GwizCraig 0]

I had a long winded story but opted to just give the facts, still long enough.

1) Trip to Philippines resulted in my friend at the time getting pregnant

2) Have spent around $15K in the last year in a second trip to meet the family and supporting her. ( new apartment, furniture, food, medical bills, k-1 processing... )

3) Applied for K-1 visa ( I've done most of the work until recently ) She has has to fly to the capital to do medical, interview for her and our new born.

4) The wait is finally over! Everything is approved! Is what we all work tirelessly for and dream of. I wanted so bad to have her and our child here for Thanksgiving and through the holidays.

5) She tells me that she wants to spend Christmas with her family.

6) #######!

Now I want to be as understanding as possible but when I ask her why, I get excuses.

Cost, airfare is more expensive. Like an apartment and living expenses for another month is cheap? And what difference does it make, I'm the one paying.

Time, can't get everything moved in time. We are giving everything to her family ( again, everything in question I paid for ). Why not just tell them to raid the apartment and take what they want, she is not a moving company.

Mood, doesn't want to bring me down over the holidays. Ok, because I'm so much happier spending them without my family.

When confronted her with the concept of spending the holidays without our child, she freaked out and said "No way!" But isn't that essentially what she is making me do? So angry and frusterated, I'm about to call the whole thing off! I love her, she says she loves me but actions are speaking louder. I would do anything for my child but going into a ( potentially ) bad marriage is not something I am willing to do. I do know that she worries about leaving her country and family, going somewhere new. But she is coming here to be with me so we can raise our child together. ( Prescott, AZ ) Is a very nice place and I have a great house ( 4 bed/ 3 bath ) and job ( almost $100K/yr ). 1 month is not going to make a huge difference in a lifetime, but spending the first Christmas without my child is crushing. As hopefully what comes through in this rant is that I do care and want to do what is best for us and our child. I have been treated like an outsider the whole time and am tired of it, I've done just about everything I can for her and her family. I could have bailed anytime but have chosen to stick it out and do what I feel is right. While I could put my foot down and make things happen, I am wanting her to figure this out herself. I don't understand the dynamics of filipinas fully and have always been frusterated by her lack of ability to explain herself and what she is feeling ( shy and quiet ). If there is anyone out there who can clarify/translate? I appreciate all responses, good and bad.

I see three options.

1) Use the K-1 Bring her here and marry her. Big risk with potential for big downfall.

2) Stall and hope things get better. We have 6 months before she has to come here. Once I miss Christmas, I don't care. I've waited a year for this and now with the wind taken out of me, I don't care if I wait another year.

3) Drop the K-1, don't get married. Look to get a tourist visa. Bring her here for a few months so she can see what it is like and if this is what she really wants. If we decide it is, re-apply for the k-1...and start over.

4) Bail on the whole concept, start negotiating what she needs for monthly maintenance. My child has dual citizenship so I can visit and someday they will be able to fly here for visits. I have no doubt someday my child will want to come here and live with dad.

And no, there is no #5. Bail and forget about her and our child. I want to be part of my kid life.

If you want to tell me to run, fine. And you can say what you want about me. But don't be rude or mean toward my fiance, I do care and will continue to support her and my child regardless. I'm open to suggestions and options, I've only put down what I can see. Maybe someone out there has a better solution?

[sj5 4]

You gotta think hard. I can't decide for you. I'm not included on DYNAMICS. LOL

Edited November 12, 2008 by SJ

[*Snowdrop* 604]

Can you go over there for a Christmas visit and help her finish packing and bring her home in the new year?

[flicker 5]

I had a long winded story but opted to just give the facts, still long enough.

1) Trip to Philippines resulted in my friend at the time getting pregnant

2) Have spent around $15K in the last year in a second trip to meet the family and supporting her. ( new apartment, furniture, food, medical bills, k-1 processing... )

3) Applied for K-1 visa ( I've done most of the work until recently ) She has has to fly to the capital to do medical, interview for her and our new born.

4) The wait is finally over! Everything is approved! Is what we all work tirelessly for and dream of. I wanted so bad to have her and our child here for Thanksgiving and through the holidays.

5) She tells me that she wants to spend Christmas with her family.

6) #######!

Now I want to be as understanding as possible but when I ask her why, I get excuses.

Cost, airfare is more expensive. Like an apartment and living expenses for another month is cheap? And what difference does it make, I'm the one paying.

Time, can't get everything moved in time. We are giving everything to her family ( again, everything in question I paid for ). Why not just tell them to raid the apartment and take what they want, she is not a moving company.

Mood, doesn't want to bring me down over the holidays. Ok, because I'm so much happier spending them without my family.

When confronted her with the concept of spending the holidays without our child, she freaked out and said "No way!" But isn't that essentially what she is making me do? So angry and frusterated, I'm about to call the whole thing off! I love her, she says she loves me but actions are speaking louder. I would do anything for my child but going into a ( potentially ) bad marriage is not something I am willing to do. I do know that she worries about leaving her country and family, going somewhere new. But she is coming here to be with me so we can raise our child together. ( Prescott, AZ ) Is a very nice place and I have a great house ( 4 bed/ 3 bath ) and job ( almost $100K/yr ). 1 month is not going to make a huge difference in a lifetime, but spending the first Christmas without my child is crushing. As hopefully what comes through in this rant is that I do care and want to do what is best for us and our child. I have been treated like an outsider the whole time and am tired of it, I've done just about everything I can for her and her family. I could have bailed anytime but have chosen to stick it out and do what I feel is right. While I could put my foot down and make things happen, I am wanting her to figure this out herself. I don't understand the dynamics of filipinas fully and have always been frusterated by her lack of ability to explain herself and what she is feeling ( shy and quiet ). If there is anyone out there who can clarify/translate? I appreciate all responses, good and bad.

I see three options.

1) Use the K-1 Bring her here and marry her. Big risk with potential for big downfall.

2) Stall and hope things get better. We have 6 months before she has to come here. Once I miss Christmas, I don't care. I've waited a year for this and now with the wind taken out of me, I don't care if I wait another year.

3) Drop the K-1, don't get married. Look to get a tourist visa. Bring her here for a few months so she can see what it is like and if this is what she really wants. If we decide it is, re-apply for the k-1...and start over.

4) Bail on the whole concept, start negotiating what she needs for monthly maintenance. My child has dual citizenship so I can visit and someday they will be able to fly here for visits. I have no doubt someday my child will want to come here and live with dad.

And no, there is no #5. Bail and forget about her and our child. I want to be part of my kid life.

If you want to tell me to run, fine. And you can say what you want about me. But don't be rude or mean toward my fiance, I do care and will continue to support her and my child regardless. I'm open to suggestions and options, I've only put down what I can see. Maybe someone out there has a better solution?

hey i dont know what she is really thinking but if i were you i would ask alot of people i know and go online and ask other guys what there life here in usa is like after a divorce frfom a wife not working and with kids. if you have never been thru it ,,i am sure you will be surprised.. ive known men makeing around 75000.00 a year who end up living in one bedroom apts and eating soup to get by while the ex lives in a nice house ,new car ,,no job and has all the money and time she wants,,well good luck its upto you on what to do but look at what has happened already ,,you have options now but if you get married youre options are horrible

[dale_trisha 3]

I can understand the frustration in having a family split apart. I have gone through that before in the 80's and am now apart from Trisha. This Christmas I am planning on spending it with her and her family as we await her visa approval which is still sometime off.

One thing you want to look at is the culture of a filipina. Understand that you married her and her family and her family is blood and much tighter than most families in the US. These are probably values that you respect that she has. She will not be open about issues that cause conflict since again it is culture and for her to show disappointment to you is not something that is typical. you need to learn how to read indirect communication which she probably is doing and your doing the American direct communication.

My suggestion is to spend sometime getting to know what you value from her and your relationship and then understand how that works in her life - its all connected. Also dig into the culture. Know it, breath it. It is who she is.

[sj5 4]

Can you go over there for a Christmas visit and help her finish packing and bring her home in the new year?

December flights cost arm and leg.

[sj5 4]

I can understand the frustration in having a family split apart. I have gone through that before in the 80's and am now apart from Trisha. This Christmas I am planning on spending it with her and her family as we await her visa approval which is still sometime off.

One thing you want to look at is the culture of a filipina. Understand that you married her and her family and her family is blood and much tighter than most families in the US. These are probably values that you respect that she has. She will not be open about issues that cause conflict since again it is culture and for her to show disappointment to you is not something that is typical. you need to learn how to read indirect communication which she probably is doing and your doing the American direct communication.

My suggestion is to spend sometime getting to know what you value from her and your relationship and then understand how that works in her life - its all connected. Also dig into the culture. Know it, breath it. It is who she is.

Definitely cultural differences and family values.

[Stinky Monkey 1]

I would just like to say how great it is that you are doing the best for your child.

I can understand how hard it is for her to uproot her life to move however much she loves you, it is hard to leave your family and life behind, leaving my mother will be the hardest thing that I will ever have to do, dont get me wrong I love my fiance more than anything I want to be with him to start our life together, but never a day goes by that I dont get upset about going, and realise that I will have to live with the guilt of leaving her.

In the grand scheme of things maybe allowing her one last Christmas with her family is not to much to ask as long as she is ready to come to the States straight after, if not and she stalls for more time there may be more of a problem. Talk it through and see, maybe you could go there for Christmas so you can spend time with your child and bring her back with you. My fiance has already said that he realises how hard it will be for me to leave and will come to the UK to take me to my new American home so he can be there for me when I leave, he does not want me to make that trip on my own, but I do not presume to know your circumstances as to if that is possible

I wish you luck with your decision, and hope all works out for the best

[payxibka 10,045]

You already have the visa... let her come over and if it does not work out she goes home within the 90 days...

[Tsup2 0]

You dont have a timeline posted so I am assuming that she has not had her interview yet. If she hasnt had her interview yet then she likely wont have the visa until after Christmas anyway. Family is very important in the Philippine culture. It's a huge transition for her to come to America and adapt to our culture and ways. I wouldnt take it personally that she has expressed a desire to be with her family for the holidays. Your little baby wont know the difference that you aren't there. Perhaps she is having post partum depression and wants the comfort of family while she adjusts. Lots to consider. Best wishes.

[GwizCraig 0]

Thanks so far, wanting to see how others see this. Is so hard to think clearly when you're in the middle of it all

To update a few questions asked.

Her visa just got approved ( child has dual citizenship ), which is when she dropped this bomb on me.

I do my best to not make money an issue, so paying for a flight there is not the issue. Realistically money does matter, have a college fund to start I would rather avoid paying for a flight there when she should just come here, after all that was the plan. Will have a whole new set of expenses when she gets here. My flying there for the holidays is impossible because I used all my vacation time going over there to meet her family earlier in the year.

Edited November 12, 2008 by GwizCraig

[*Giuly and Rocky* 0]

I had a long winded story but opted to just give the facts, still long enough.

1) Trip to Philippines resulted in my friend at the time getting pregnant

2) Have spent around $15K in the last year in a second trip to meet the family and supporting her. ( new apartment, furniture, food, medical bills, k-1 processing... )

3) Applied for K-1 visa ( I've done most of the work until recently ) She has has to fly to the capital to do medical, interview for her and our new born.

4) The wait is finally over! Everything is approved! Is what we all work tirelessly for and dream of. I wanted so bad to have her and our child here for Thanksgiving and through the holidays.

5) She tells me that she wants to spend Christmas with her family.

6) #######!

Now I want to be as understanding as possible but when I ask her why, I get excuses.

Cost, airfare is more expensive. Like an apartment and living expenses for another month is cheap? And what difference does it make, I'm the one paying.

Time, can't get everything moved in time. We are giving everything to her family ( again, everything in question I paid for ). Why not just tell them to raid the apartment and take what they want, she is not a moving company.

Mood, doesn't want to bring me down over the holidays. Ok, because I'm so much happier spending them without my family.

When confronted her with the concept of spending the holidays without our child, she freaked out and said "No way!" But isn't that essentially what she is making me do? So angry and frusterated, I'm about to call the whole thing off! I love her, she says she loves me but actions are speaking louder. I would do anything for my child but going into a ( potentially ) bad marriage is not something I am willing to do. I do know that she worries about leaving her country and family, going somewhere new. But she is coming here to be with me so we can raise our child together. ( Prescott, AZ ) Is a very nice place and I have a great house ( 4 bed/ 3 bath ) and job ( almost $100K/yr ). 1 month is not going to make a huge difference in a lifetime, but spending the first Christmas without my child is crushing. As hopefully what comes through in this rant is that I do care and want to do what is best for us and our child. I have been treated like an outsider the whole time and am tired of it, I've done just about everything I can for her and her family. I could have bailed anytime but have chosen to stick it out and do what I feel is right. While I could put my foot down and make things happen, I am wanting her to figure this out herself. I don't understand the dynamics of filipinas fully and have always been frusterated by her lack of ability to explain herself and what she is feeling ( shy and quiet ). If there is anyone out there who can clarify/translate? I appreciate all responses, good and bad.

I see three options.

1) Use the K-1 Bring her here and marry her. Big risk with potential for big downfall.

2) Stall and hope things get better. We have 6 months before she has to come here. Once I miss Christmas, I don't care. I've waited a year for this and now with the wind taken out of me, I don't care if I wait another year.

3) Drop the K-1, don't get married. Look to get a tourist visa. Bring her here for a few months so she can see what it is like and if this is what she really wants. If we decide it is, re-apply for the k-1...and start over.

4) Bail on the whole concept, start negotiating what she needs for monthly maintenance. My child has dual citizenship so I can visit and someday they will be able to fly here for visits. I have no doubt someday my child will want to come here and live with dad.

And no, there is no #5. Bail and forget about her and our child. I want to be part of my kid life.

If you want to tell me to run, fine. And you can say what you want about me. But don't be rude or mean toward my fiance, I do care and will continue to support her and my child regardless. I'm open to suggestions and options, I've only put down what I can see. Maybe someone out there has a better solution?

I think she see Xmas as the last chance to see her family for a long time...I know its hard but trust me its better if she will join u after the holidays...at least she won't be sad and mad at u for not letting her spant her Xmas the way she wanted to...

[SunDrop 59]

With respect, it does sound rather like footstomping "I got you all this stuff and now I want what I want and if you don't give it to me, I'm gonna sulk coz you obviously don't love me!"

My USC SO and I have just recently confirmed that I'll be moving to the US with my daughter. It made more sense for him to come here, but he spent 5.5 months here on a visitor's VWP and was really homesick. Although he misses being with us, he's happy to be home and although it's hard for me to accept, I understand it. You've obviously never moved away from all that you know for any period of time, you need to accept that it's actually a very scary thing.

You don't, from your description, seem to have spent a lot of time with her. That, is scary for anyone, the both of you included BUT you are only entering into a "new" relationship. She, however, is contending with a new culture, new society, new home, new husband...

She's just had a baby! Don't know if she's the first in her family to make her folks grandparents but that would only go to making it even harder for her. I've had a baby and was 3000 miles away from my family when she was born, and although married at the time, my ex worked extremely long days and we often went several days without really talking because of exhaustion and timings. You have to be empathetic to her in this situation. She's only had her family for practical support (you're not helping with feeds, minding baby so she can rest, etc.) Leaving that support with a baby, to a new country, new husband, new culture, new home.... wow. She's a very brave woman.

All her experience to date has been getting to and from her country to the US is difficult. You're planning on starting a life together a very long way from home for her. She's not going to adjust overnight, and as I've laid out above she's probably terrified. There's nothing you can do to make it less scary except be sympathetic. Even if she got on a plane tomorrow, you still need to understand what this is going to be like for her.

I speak english fluently. I've already lived in 3 different countries. I've travelled often to the States. My parents spent 10 years there, my uncle was a naturalised American, my best friend is American. I am still nervous about emmigrating.

Cut her some slack, stop being petulant, support your soon-to-be WIFE like a decent, respectful husband would, get your ####### over there for christmas and help her back with her life packed up in a couple of suitcases and a baby under her arm...

Good luck!

[SunDrop 59]

I do my best to not make money an issue, so paying for a flight there is not the issue. Realistically money does matter, have a college fund to start I would rather avoid paying for a flight there when she should just come here, after all that was the plan. Will have a whole new set of expenses when she gets here. My flying there for the holidays is impossible because I used all my vacation time going over there to meet her family earlier in the year.

Sorry, we cross-posted. How about approaching your boss, explaining that you have to go or can't see your newborn baby over christmas and asking for unpaid leave? If you earn 100K a year, you can afford a week without pay. College isn't going to be impossible coz you spent on this flight.

What if her visa hadn't been approved before christmas? Would you have just 'cancelled' then?

[sj5 4]

With respect, it does sound rather like footstomping "I got you all this stuff and now I want what I want and if you don't give it to me, I'm gonna sulk coz you obviously don't love me!"

My USC SO and I have just recently confirmed that I'll be moving to the US with my daughter. It made more sense for him to come here, but he spent 5.5 months here on a visitor's VWP and was really homesick. Although he misses being with us, he's happy to be home and although it's hard for me to accept, I understand it. You've obviously never moved away from all that you know for any period of time, you need to accept that it's actually a very scary thing.

You don't, from your description, seem to have spent a lot of time with her. That, is scary for anyone, the both of you included BUT you are only entering into a "new" relationship. She, however, is contending with a new culture, new society, new home, new husband...

She's just had a baby! Don't know if she's the first in her family to make her folks grandparents but that would only go to making it even harder for her. I've had a baby and was 3000 miles away from my family when she was born, and although married at the time, my ex worked extremely long days and we often went several days without really talking because of exhaustion and timings. You have to be empathetic to her in this situation. She's only had her family for practical support (you're not helping with feeds, minding baby so she can rest, etc.) Leaving that support with a baby, to a new country, new husband, new culture, new home.... wow. She's a very brave woman.

All her experience to date has been getting to and from her country to the US is difficult. You're planning on starting a life together a very long way from home for her. She's not going to adjust overnight, and as I've laid out above she's probably terrified. There's nothing you can do to make it less scary except be sympathetic. Even if she got on a plane tomorrow, you still need to understand what this is going to be like for her.

I speak english fluently. I've already lived in 3 different countries. I've travelled often to the States. My parents spent 10 years there, my uncle was a naturalised American, my best friend is American. I am still nervous about emmigrating.

Cut her some slack, stop being petulant, support your soon-to-be WIFE like a decent, respectful husband would, get your ####### over there for christmas and help her back with her life packed up in a couple of suitcases and a baby under her arm...

Good luck!

Excellent points and valid.

Edited November 12, 2008 by SJ