marry or go home?

[jlogajan 0]

I hate to say it, but she has the classic signs of a GCG.

[Jon&Lindsey 0]

I've never been in this situation, but my husband was several years older than 45 when we got married and never at all considered that he was too old to find anyone again.

Personally, I don't think in your situation that marriage will suddenly make it all better, IMHO the sensible thing to do is have her leave before her legal stay expires and spend more time working on the relationship and communicating expectations and practicalities of the relationship before finally deciding. Sure, you have the opportunity to get married now, but isn't it better to only marry someone when you are both crazy about each other and both really want it? Isn't it better to be alone and have the chance of meeting someone amazing than stuck in a bad marriage (not that I'm saying yours would be, but it wouldn't really be getting off to a good start based on your current situation with her)? I don't understand the idea that just being married/in a relationship is wonderful - it only is if you both really love each other, if you have problems then it really isn't and you're not necessarily going to be any happier than you would be alone. Your fiance doesn't sound like she is too happy either - even if she has a better standard of living being in the US, she isn't going to really happy unless she truly loves you and wants to be married to you because you're you.

I hope it all works out for you both.

[Eric-Pris 1,604]

Have you two really talked about your future? I mean before you began the k1 process? I know my wife and I had a plan that we put together before we even started the long process. We had an agreement and understanding of how we wanted to do this and there was no indecision once she got here. We married in 4 days without any doubts.

The way you wrote that your story, getting married is a trainwreck in waiting. It will cost you a lot of stress and a lot of money in the long run. In my opinion, it would be better to just let her go home. She seems to have too many issues, the biggest being lack of intimacy. I agree with another poster that she shows signs of only trying to get the greencard and not being in love with you, or even willing to try to make it work. Even if the love isn't there to begin with, it is possible to fall in love and make it work, but ONLY if the effort is made by both sides. Just look at arranged marriages, for example. There are many stories where the people started as arranged and not really crazy about each other, but over time fell in love and lived happy lives. So it's possible.

But in your case, honestly, I don't think that will happen since she doesn't sound like she will put forth the effort. You seem to be willing to try at least, she doesn't.

I wish you luck.

[Jeraly 4]

thanks mox again, great advice. Just reading these comments makes me very aware how inexperienced I am at relationships in general, which is probably part of the problem in her not being attracted to me so much.

Well, by reading your posts, I get the impression that you really don't know why she's being the way she is. Again, hiring a translator for a couple hours might be very enlightening.

on the desperation comment, no not desperate, okay maybe a little but it is a normal emotional, it is how I play it out that is important. I can live with a lot of her faults because I like the good things I have seen (but need to see more)

"Desperate" was probably a little harsh...but basically if you're trying to make this work because you fear not having another chance, then you really need to re-evaluate. If she's not "the one," you have a lot of options. Heck, it may be that the woman you should be spending the rest of your life with doesn't even know you yet.

Not only that, but if you marry and get stuck in a relationship that wasn't meant to be then you're just preventing yourself from ever meeting "The One" - or at least being accessible if you do

[Tsup2 0]

There are 2 types of people: moody and not moody. If she is moody now she will always be.

[Knoll 1]

thanks again everyone, and slim, like you comments a lot, very good points and straight talk. So, there actually are other men who sleep on the couch or a different bed at times.

The odds are not in my favor at this late stage but I have one shot left, so to speak. One thing I will not do is allow her to overtstay her K-1. I will schedule time to sit down with an interpreter and talk about everything. We will either get married before the K-1 expiration or she returns home. But if we marry, we will both do it with the understanding that we will make a sincere effort to work it out knowing that we had to do it so as not to overstay the K-1. We both need to be on the same page with the understanding that intimacy is an important part of the marriage. If she keeps refusing any of my attempts at intimacy after we have the discussion with the interpreter, then I will not marry her (but I will explain this to her in advance). There is no one I know that has a successful relationship that did not have intimacy before marriage. Almost everyone does. Like it or not, it is reality of relationships these days.

So bottom line, I love her and want her to be happy, whatever the outcome is. If she wants to go home so be it. I have her ticket already. If it must end, I don't want it to end bitterly.

very grateful to all comments. It informed me and made me think about a lot of things.

noll

[mox 298]

noll, I think you're mostly on the right track. Your fixation on "intimacy," however, is a bit troubling. As I said in an earlier post, the lack of intimacy is a symptom of the other problems. Even if/when you get all your issues worked out, she may need some time. It's also possible (and in fact, probable, depending on where in Ukraine she hails from) that she's either saving herself for marriage, or has old fashioned values about sex. Nothing wrong with that. Whatever the reason, it's going to take time and trust, and that's not something you can expect overnight. Don't push her on this, or you might undo everything you're trying to fix.

I'm glad you're not going to let her overstay the K1, it shows you care about her future even if it's not with you. Good on you for that.

Best of luck, and please drop back into the RU forum to let us know how it went.

[Knoll 1]

mox, you are misunderstanding my position on intimacy. I don't have a fixation on it but rather a healthy perspective about intimacy, understanding that it is a very important part of a relationship, especially in the beginning (before marriage) and early in a marriage. It is huge milestone in a relationship to reach. It can be the "glue" in a relationship when times are tough and people can be less critical on their partner when they have a healthy intimacy. so...very important. I think most people reading this would agree.

[Gemmie 142]

"Find a time to sit down with her and a translator"? Can you two have a full conversation? Just wondering..

Edited November 13, 2008 by Gemmie

[beejay 123]

I have stayed out of this conversation until now. I have to agree with Mox, your fixation and use of the word "intimacy" is troubling. I don't think "give me intimacy or leave" is going to work in this situation. You can't give an ultimatum like that and expect someone to feel safe and comfortable with you. Just like you can't force someone to trust you, it happens because you show them that they can. Just be careful for her sake and yours, like many others have said marriage is not going to change any of this.

Be careful and good luck.

[Kotenochek 0]

My husband never slept on couch yet,even though we had some fights:)))lol well who does not,but having no intimacy is weird!!!!!!!!

Maybe she just wanted to use you for her better life,to get a passport and dich you?maybe that was her plan?but now she is not willing to work even on that?

again first year was F***ing tough!!! but so worth it..We always had plans to be with each other and each fight we would know each other better and talk that we will work on it together to the end!

If she is not willing to work on it..it is not going to work!and at this economy nobody is living MTv lifestyle:)))you gotta work!!!thats what america is about:)Work!

On the sacond hand maybe she feels lonely and missunderstood?what is her english like?do you guys have conversations ever?

Edited November 13, 2008 by Kotenochek

[mox 298]

mox, you are misunderstanding my position on intimacy. I don't have a fixation on it but rather a healthy perspective about intimacy, understanding that it is a very important part of a relationship, especially in the beginning (before marriage) and early in a marriage. It is huge milestone in a relationship to reach. It can be the "glue" in a relationship when times are tough and people can be less critical on their partner when they have a healthy intimacy. so...very important. I think most people reading this would agree.

I hope I'm misunderstanding you, but I don't think that I am. You said in an earlier post that you are very inexperienced relationship-wise. Based on that, and what you've said in the intervening time, I think you're putting too much of an emphasis on it. Intimacy is not the "glue" in a relationship, and it sure as hell is not going to get you through tough times. Trust, honesty, and respect...these are all "glues." Intimacy is an expression of all these things, not a thing in and of itself. Without these other things, it's not intimacy, it's just sex. And hey, "just sex" is fine and dandy, but if you believe it can be a foundation of your relationship then you will be disappointed.

The picture of your relationship that you've painted in your posts says that you don't have a full set of trust, honesty, and respect in your relationship. This is why I believe she's not willing to be intimate with you. So I'll say it again: The lack of intimacy is a symptom, not a problem. Work on the rest of your relationship and the intimacy will follow.

Anyway, that's my last word on the subject. You're an adult and should make your own decisions. I really do wish you the best of luck, and please drop back by the RU forum with whatever happens.

[slim 1,514]

My husband never slept on couch yet,even though we had some fights

Maybe she just wanted to use you for her better life,to get a passport and dich you?maybe that was her plan??

My couch is quite comfy! Usually I sleep there on my own accord, not her orders. (Or so I like to say!)

For the OP, if she honestly did come here expecting the "great life" then feed into that by finding her a rich boyfriend to stay with and then charging her about $400/month after you get married. With your extra money, you'll have no problem finding someone to share some intimacy with!

Green card fraud is an ugly crime... but only when you're on the wrong side of it!

[Knoll 1]

Gemmie, thanks. yes I will have a translator this Sunday to sit with us. we can have conversations but she sometimes takes things out of context or misunderstands. having normal, adult conversations; we are not there yet. But hopefully a lot of things get figured out/decisions made after we talk with interpreter.

beejay, mox relax: of course sex is not the foundation of a relationship, I know that, don't be silly. the ultimatum thing did not come out right. of course I would not force anything on her. perhaps I did not phrase it correctly. What I will convey to her is that I would like to see us "practice" what marriage would be like which includes letting me make attempts at intimacy. of course I would not force myself on her. but a man has to attempt or try. that's what I meant, more or less. don't let your heart be troubled... ;-)

Kotenochek: like the comment about the economy, so true. that is a tough one to convey to her though. she thinks a man should not have any financial problems, regardless of economy. she just does not get it yet. I try to do everything I can to keep her from being lonely. I try to spend time with her everytime I am not working. frequently she tells me "leave me alone right now" or she will walk out of the room when I walk in. I helped her find some girlfriends too (Ukrainian living here near us)

no bitterness to anyone and thanks for all the well wishes

[matchbox 0]

Not sure why this was moved to the Russia forum as it doesn't really seem to matter about the country.

Anyway...

Getting married and "hoping" it works out is a seriously risky strategy. What's the plan if it doesn't work out?

One thing you didn't mention...what are her thoughts? Does she want to try this marriage? Or does she just want to go home? Is language a big part of the issue, or are you able to talk to each other fine and just don't?

You have a lot of people telling you not to do it. But here's what I say: give it one more go. Pretend you are visiting her again, and that you are on a 2 week visit. Woo her, date her, make a serious effort to get to know her. If at the end of that time the magic still isn't there, I think the decision should be obvious.

But whatever you do, don't try to force something that isn't there. It's better to part as friends than to part with lawyers.

Good luck.

But whatever you do, don't try to force something that isn't there. It's better to part as friends than to part with lawyers.

WELL SAID!!! I AGREE