marry or go home?

[Knoll 1]

Comment 1: I would agree that you should not marry just to satify the K-1... If you need more time, take it... Her status can be "repaired" if you do ultimately get married to each other... the difference is the path you take...It is not the end of the world...

On the other hand, if she happens to marry a different man her status cannot be "repaired" without going home.

Comment 2: You didn't understand... you do NOT need to marry before the I-94 expires... If you do marry her beyond the 90 day period her status is adjusted another way and not simply from K-1, but it is doable.... Make sure you are ready for this before you go down the marriage path eneededly or too early.

so if I understand you, we can "technically" allow the K-1 to expire and continue to live together until and if we get married and then "repair" status? wouldn't they send her home if they discover we married past the K-1 expiration? and does this spoil my chances to apply for a K-1 with someone else in the future?

[payxibka 10,047]

so if I understand you, we can "technically" allow the K-1 to expire and continue to live together until and if we get married and then "repair" status? wouldn't they send her home if they discover we married past the K-1 expiration? and does this spoil my chances to apply for a K-1 with someone else in the future?

No she does not have to go home, if she stays beyond the 90 days before you marry then you file an I-130 in addition to the I-485...

[mox 298]

Of course, I realize it is a gamble, but then what if it does work out?? It would have been the right move. I am 45 my options are slim at my age so why not take the chance, is how I look at it. She may end up being the one to choose to go home anyway and not marry.

I don't believe that for a second. I'm not much younger than you, and I've never felt like my options were limited. If you're going in to this because she is your last best hope then you're definitely doing it for all the wrong reasons. I get it if you are trying to make sure you've given this situation your 100% best effort. But I don't get it if you're doing it out of desperation.

misunderstandings are a big factor! while we can communicate okay, it only takes a few comments that are misunderstood by her to really sour her mood towards me. then trying to "correct" myself only makes it worse. Trust in another huge factor!! It is hard for her to open up.

You understand that getting married will not fix the communication problem, right? I mean...if her mood sours every time she misunderstands you now, that's pretty much how it's gonna be from now on. Are you prepared to live with that?

It might be worth your time to hire a translator for a couple hours to come over to your home and mediate. That way you can get across to her exactly what you're trying to get across. It might be awkward to have a stranger up in the middle of your business, but it could potentially clear up a lot of misunderstandings. No doubt she's got a different understanding of the situation than you do.

Intimacy would definitely help relax us both and would probably help to open her heart a little too. My experiencne is a woman is less critical of a man's faults when she is intimate with him. It is frustratiung because if we could just get to this level, a lot of her our "issues" wouldn go away. no intimacy is a contributing problem, in my opinion.

Fix your other problems first. The lack of intimacy is a symtom, not a problem.

so if I understand you, we can "technically" allow the K-1 to expire and continue to live together until and if we get married and then "repair" status? wouldn't they send her home if they discover we married past the K-1 expiration? and does this spoil my chances to apply for a K-1 with someone else in the future?

No. If you are not married after 90 days, she is out of status and seriously jeopardizing her ability to re-enter the country.

I will try the "fresh" start approach

Best of luck to you. Please drop back in and let us know how it goes.

so if I understand you, we can "technically" allow the K-1 to expire and continue to live together until and if we get married and then "repair" status? wouldn't they send her home if they discover we married past the K-1 expiration? and does this spoil my chances to apply for a K-1 with someone else in the future?

No she does not have to go home, if she stays beyond the 90 days before you marry then you file an I-130 in addition to the I-485...

This is terrible advice. After 90 days, she is out of status and all bets are off. Can it be repaired? Possibly. But after 90 days she is treading in very unfriendly immigration waters and jeopardizing her ability to re-enter the country.

[payxibka 10,047]

This is terrible advice. After 90 days, she is out of status and all bets are off. Can it be repaired? Possibly. But after 90 days she is treading in very unfriendly immigration waters and jeopardizing her ability to re-enter the country.

It is a path and this process is even detailed on the USCIS website... tell them it is terrible advice...

No re-entry issues until 180+ days of accrued overstay... i

Edited November 12, 2008 by payxibka

[Knoll 1]

thanks mox again, great advice. Just reading these comments makes me very aware how inexperienced I am at relationships in general, which is probably part of the problem in her not being attracted to me so much.

on the desperation comment, no not desperate, okay maybe a little but it is a normal emotional, it is how I play it out that is important. I can live with a lot of her faults because I like the good things I have seen (but need to see more)

[mox 298]

This process is even detailed on the USCIS website... tell them it is terrible advice...

It may very well be detailed on the USCIS website, but they are not offering it up as advice. They're offering it up as a procedure to follow if you've gotten yourself in that situation. I'm saying: Do not get yourself in that situation. Once you are outside the 90 days, you have violated the terms of your visa, and now an illegal immigrant.

[payxibka 10,047]

This process is even detailed on the USCIS website... tell them it is terrible advice...

It may very well be detailed on the USCIS website, but they are not offering it up as advice. They're offering it up as a procedure to follow if you've gotten yourself in that situation. I'm saying: Do not get yourself in that situation. Once you are outside the 90 days, you have violated the terms of your visa, and now an illegal immigrant.

but it would be a disservice to the OP not to inform him of all avenues available as well as the risks associated... Once the OP has the entire picture only then the OP can make his decision in light of the risks involved with those decisions. In the end, the OP lives with his decision whichever way he goes.

[mox 298]

thanks mox again, great advice. Just reading these comments makes me very aware how inexperienced I am at relationships in general, which is probably part of the problem in her not being attracted to me so much.

Well, by reading your posts, I get the impression that you really don't know why she's being the way she is. Again, hiring a translator for a couple hours might be very enlightening.

on the desperation comment, no not desperate, okay maybe a little but it is a normal emotional, it is how I play it out that is important. I can live with a lot of her faults because I like the good things I have seen (but need to see more)

"Desperate" was probably a little harsh...but basically if you're trying to make this work because you fear not having another chance, then you really need to re-evaluate. If she's not "the one," you have a lot of options. Heck, it may be that the woman you should be spending the rest of your life with doesn't even know you yet.

but it would be a disservice to the OP not to inform him of all avenues available as well as the risks associated... Once the OP has the entire picture only then the OP can make his decision in light of the risks involved with those decisions. In the end, the OP lives with his decision whichever way he goes.

Fair enough, I'll agree it's "an option." I don't agree that it's a good option.

[Kotenochek 0]

Was it bad from start?Is she speaking english?How old is she?

How many times you visited her and for how long?was she this way when she arrived at first too?

Edited November 12, 2008 by Kotenochek

[ez2007 1]

Ponder a hundred times before making a decision. Marriage should be based on love and commitment not just to satisfy the I-94. I agree with Mox. It is better to part as friends than to part with lawyers.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Technically, you might be correct, but if it turns out that marriage is not in the cards, why would you propose that the alien cause a blemish that could impact the potential for a future tourist visa?

This is terrible advice. After 90 days, she is out of status and all bets are off. Can it be repaired? Possibly. But after 90 days she is treading in very unfriendly immigration waters and jeopardizing her ability to re-enter the country.

It is a path and this process is even detailed on the USCIS website... tell them it is terrible advice...

No re-entry issues until 180+ days of accrued overstay... i

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Pardon my bluntness, but it sounds like there is an absence of chemistry between you. While not essential in all relationships, it is important enough, and probably more important in relationships between parties that share very little else in common. Why push something that doesn't come on its own accord?

thanks mox again, great advice. Just reading these comments makes me very aware how inexperienced I am at relationships in general, which is probably part of the problem in her not being attracted to me so much.

on the desperation comment, no not desperate, okay maybe a little but it is a normal emotional, it is how I play it out that is important. I can live with a lot of her faults because I like the good things I have seen (but need to see more)

[payxibka 10,047]

Technically, you might be correct, but if it turns out that marriage is not in the cards, why would you propose that the alien cause a blemish that could impact the potential for a future tourist visa?

That is for them to decide based on the totality of the situation... only they know if there is something to salvage... certainly not any of us here can make that determination

Edited November 13, 2008 by payxibka

[mox 298]

Technically, you might be correct, but if it turns out that marriage is not in the cards, why would you propose that the alien cause a blemish that could impact the potential for a future tourist visa?

That is for them to decide based on the totality of the situation... only they know if there is something to salvage... certainly not any of us here

Well hold on a second here. It's one thing to say, as you said earlier, that this is just one of many options they have. But if you're going to present this option, then it is very important for the OP to understand the ramifications. As I said earlier, and as DM is also saying, it could affect the woman's ability to re-enter this country at a future date. Even worse, once she has passed the 90 days without being married, if she is picked up by immigration (it can and does happen, and it can be something as innocent as a speeding ticket), she could even be deported right then and there, and that would be a very heartbreaking end to their attempt to make their relationship work.

So yes, I agree that this is something "that is for them to decide." But they need to have all the information, which is what I and DM are offering up.

[solsoeur 0]

Hi All,

I would like some ideas from the VJ audience. I can make the decisions but I am curious as to what others would do in my situation. My fiancé is here in the United States (New Jersey) with me and her K-1 expires December 6th. We rushed the K-1 filing before letting our relationship develop. So when she arrived, we really did not know each other well. Things started out okay but have gone downhill since. In short, I feel like I have a roommate in my house and not someone who is falling in love with me, or if she is, she has a strange way of showing it. There is little affection and we sleep in separate rooms. We both have never married and are both inexperienced in relationships. We both have lived alone before now. We have had arguments but never anything violent and no yelling. I have been very clear that I want a serious relationship and marriage whereas she has not. She comes from eastern Ukraine and is paranoid about trust (which I am told is a common mentality there?). She has difficulty trusting anyone including me. So her big obstacle to opening up to me is trust, in my opinion. In any case, I am planning the marriage but I have her plane ticket to return home also if we don’t marry. My hope is she has a change of heart and warms up to me before she has to leave but it seems only a miracle can make that happen. So I am contemplating marrying her and hoping it works out. That seems our only option if we need more time together, short of her going home and re-applying for a K-1, etc.

Does anyone know someone who has married to satisfy the K-1 visa but shortly after divorced?

Please no wise remarks or clichés like “if it was meant to be, it will be”

Thanks

Tim

I would not marry anyone I was not sure of. To me marriage is sacred. I realize this might not be your belief but things you don't like when you aren't married only get amplified when you marry. Marriage does not reduce problems it amplifies them. Take it from one who has learned the hard way. Send her back home. If you have a change of heart you can always marry in her country and get a K3 or CR1. A little loss of time and money now is well worth the potential heart ache you might have later. Good luck to you.