JOKES !!!!!

[munchkins 0]

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f***ing red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a big diamond.

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make

you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you."

Q.:- What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A.:- A rumour.

He said, "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."

She said, "Well, you've succeeded."

He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"

She said, "That's a good idea......you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

He said, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?"

She said, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat b****ard."

Q.:- What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A.:- 45 minutes

Q.:- What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

A.:- Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q.:- Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?

A.:- Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q.:- What makes men chase women if they have no intention of marrying?

A.:- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q.:- What do you do if you see a man running around with half a head?

A.:- Reload and try again!

[Dixie_Peach 1]

priceless!!! glad i read these!!!

[Miranda&James 8]

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f***ing red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a big diamond.

I love that one :lol:

[MaryandMian 1]

[rclouse 0]

We men are going to protest in front of your embassy and burn it down!

[john_and_marlene 162]

[almaty 19]

We men are going to protest in front of your embassy and burn it down!

we can't help overselves...it is in our blood.,..

[Dixie_Peach 1]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they set up their tent, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and asks,

"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions

of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter

past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,

it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says,

"Kemo Sabe, you dumber than dead buffalo.

What it tells me is someone stole tent!"

[Bootylicious!! 2]

[almaty 19]