Freaking out

[ksa2usa 0]

I'm sort of new here, so I'm sure that most of you are not too familiar with my situation. I have been living in Saudi Arabia for the last year and my husband and I are filing for an immigrant visa thru DCF.

Our process has gone smoothly and quickly so far, and we are only awaiting my husband's interview. The closer we get to his interview, the more I am beginning to think that maybe immigration isn't in our best interest at this time.

Our reasons for immigrating are really not that strong. We don't intend to live in the USA permanently, but only as a temporary thing. My own reasons for wanting to go are purely selfish..I miss my family. The reasons for staying here are overwhelming...job security, great salary, owning a home, free schooling, great health care and insurance, etc. If we move to the USA, we are going into something that we are not prepared for. We will have to live with my parents and depend on them a great deal, not sure about the job market or if my husband will be able to make as much money in the usa as he does here, we'll have to pay for any more college that my husband and I want to complete, childcare for our daughter, NO health insurance (and we want another baby), and depending on where my husband finds work, there is no gurantee that I will live close to my family or get to see them anymore than I do living overseas. In the end, everything we earn and work for in the USA will be a loss...we don't ever intend to live there permanently. All the money we spend on housing, cars, school, and just living will be a big fat waste. We could just stay here, keep making great money and start growing our family.

I'm so confused and stressed out about this situation. I want to go, and I don't want to turn down a green card, and possible citizenship for my husband, but there are so many reasons why it's NOT a good idea, and a good time to immigrate.

What would you girls do if you were in my situation?

My family keeps telling me that I have to decide what I want to sacrifice...my family or my financial security. I've been broke most of my life and I know what it is to scrape together change to pay for gas or stress out about making rent...and I've also lived the last year in a place where I haven't worried about money for a SINGLE DAY, NOT ONCE, and I'm just not sure if I'm ready to go back to being broke..and for what??

HELP PLEASE!!

[Dakine 26]

If it's that good there save up a BIG nest egg before deciding anything. Not an easy thing to do in the US now.

Family is just a plane flight away.

[ksa2usa 0]

That was our original plan, but things moved faster than we expected and then what was left of the American economy went down the drain. If we chose not to go now, what will that mean for us if we want to immigrate in a few years? Will we have to re apply and go thru the process again? Will they think it's bad of us to say no thanks to an immigrant visa now and then change our minds later down the road? What will happen to my residency in the USA if I continue to live overseas? I know to do DCF you have to have US domicile..so what if I've been overseas a few more years?

[*Maureen* 0]

yeah, thats a tough decision. it sounds like you already have your list of pros and cons. I guess you go with what you feel in your heart and what's best for you and your husband. i wish you the best of luck whichever path you follow.

[caybee 21]

I feel for you. I don't know anything about maintaining a domicile in the U.S. for DCF purposes, but here's what goes through my mind:

When your family tells you you have to choose between sacrificing your family and your financial security, do you feel emotional pressure from them to move back to the U.S.? If so, would your decision be any easier if you weren't feeling that pressure?

Second, you have lived in Saudi for a year, and it sounds like you have adjusted there pretty well. You may have been reading VJ long enough to see the adjustment that many immigrant spouses go through. In the case of MENA spouses, some were already struggling financially when they came here, so even though the culture shock may be huge, their actual standard of living often improves. In your case, your MENA husband is providing well for his family where he is. You have listed everything you would lose if you came here. Add to that your own culture shock, because I believe you would experience some of that even though you have a good idea what you are in for. Then add your husband's culture shock, never (I assume) having lived here. THEN add the adjustment for both of you that comes with a possibly much lower standard of living and a struggle to find decent work in this economy, particularly for your husband because his status as "provider" for your family may take a big hit, especially moving in with your parents (I know MENA wives often move in with the husband's family; not sure about the reverse). And finally, add the stress of adding another child to your family in the middle of all of this adjustment with, as you said, no health insurance. It sounds like it would be extremely stressful for both of you. Is your husband a Saudi citizen? Could you live in Saudi permanently if you chose to?

You discussed how you feel about all of this and that you are doing it mainly to see your own family. What are your husband's thoughts? Is he 100% behind this move?

Only you two can make this decision, but I think you have some very compelling and practical reasons for having second thoughts. If you are feeling emotional pressure from outside of your immediate family (your husband and child) why not try to set the emotional side of it aside and focus on the practical. That's important, especially with the economy the way it is. As someone said, if you are doing well financially in Saudi and you have everything you need, there is no reason why you can't visit your family from time to time.

I hope someone will come along with advice about DCF after living abroad for several years. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[MrsAmera 41]

Why couldn't you take an extended vacation say 3 or 6 months and go home to visit your family? It sounds like your very well set up there. If I were in your situation, I would want to go visit my family but if I knew where I was was very stable shoot I would stay. If years down the road you change your mind then reapply, I don't think they would hold that against you, people's lives change all the time for different reasons. Right now life here in the US is very tough and personally if I knew my children wouldn't have health insurance and it would really be a struggle there's no way I would come back. But that's just my opinion....

[Aymsgirl 0]

I don't really have a lot of advice for you regarding DCF as I know nothing about this. But I will tell you that times aren't the best right now in the job market in our country. If you left Saudi would you have to give up your home and sell it? Could you rent it out or are you renting? I was thinking maybe come here and still leave your options open there. Adjustments are hard here as some have stated but that is all according to whether or not your husband has spent time here in the US living or not. He may find a great job right away but the way things are with the economy it may take awhile. How does he feel about living with your family? Does everybody get along?

I know there are so many things to consider here for you. I pray that you make the best decision possible for you and your loved ones and I hope somebody can come along to help ease your mind some.

Tasha

[doodlebugg 10]

I'd stay in Saudi if I were you and just visit home every so often. Move back here once the economy gets better, God willing.

[Muh and me 18]

I'd stay in Saudi if I were you and just visit home every so often. Move back here once the economy gets better, God willing.

I agree with Bridget. This economy is so unstable with jobs right now. And if you have a good job there, take a family leave for a while so you don't have to give it up!!!

[ksa2usa 0]

Thank you all so much for your adivce and kind words. It helps to hear your thoughts and know that we're not crazy for possibly turning down a green card for hubby.

A little more insight into our situation here...Hubby has been in the USA before, he actually lived there for 4 years for college (obviously that's how we met). Even though he wouldn't experience culture shock and adjustment problems, I do worry about the effect it will have on our marriage with the added stress of money issues.

The decision to immigrate was a joint decision, but we both have different reasons for doing so. He wants another degree (he will get paid more getting a degree in the USA) and he wants citizenship because it will also improve his job outlook here. We are both in agreement that we do not want to be forever in the USA. My husband is a Saudi national and we are able and do intend to eventually settle here. We would rather raise our child(ren) here in KSA. That's why it's we've talked about this not being such a great idea right now. We do not own our home now, we live with my mother in law in my husband's family home, which is very common here. Buying a home here is rediculously expensive, like at least a million dollars and that's why I think it's nuts to go to the USA and waste 4 or 5 years of income. I'm not sure how it will work out living with my parents. Of course they love my hubby, and are welcoming us with open arms, but things change when you're living in 1500sq ft together;)

Of course there is emotinal pressure from my family, although not intentional. I can say that if my family lived in another country, say england, I wouldn't be in a hurry to move back to the USA.

I did take a vacation for about a month this summer to visit and it was nice. My parents are also welcome to come here and visit anytime, but getting them here is another story. As for my siblings, it's a no go since Saudi has a very strict visa policy. Taking a vacation longer than that is just to realistic. My daughter has school and I cant just pull her out whenever. That brings me to another point...how do I go and put my daughter in school, then wait until she's in the 4th or 5th grade and pull her out, bring her back to Saudi and expect her to adjust??

I'm sorry for being so long winded today:) I really do appreciate all of your advice. Please, just keep my family in your prayers for the time being. We will continue to weigh our options and pray on it too.

Edited November 6, 2008 by ksa2usa

[Nutty 2]

I'm sort of new here, so I'm sure that most of you are not too familiar with my situation. I have been living in Saudi Arabia for the last year and my husband and I are filing for an immigrant visa thru DCF.

Our process has gone smoothly and quickly so far, and we are only awaiting my husband's interview. The closer we get to his interview, the more I am beginning to think that maybe immigration isn't in our best interest at this time.

Our reasons for immigrating are really not that strong. We don't intend to live in the USA permanently, but only as a temporary thing. My own reasons for wanting to go are purely selfish..I miss my family. The reasons for staying here are overwhelming...job security, great salary, owning a home, free schooling, great health care and insurance, etc. If we move to the USA, we are going into something that we are not prepared for. We will have to live with my parents and depend on them a great deal, not sure about the job market or if my husband will be able to make as much money in the usa as he does here, we'll have to pay for any more college that my husband and I want to complete, childcare for our daughter, NO health insurance (and we want another baby), and depending on where my husband finds work, there is no gurantee that I will live close to my family or get to see them anymore than I do living overseas. In the end, everything we earn and work for in the USA will be a loss...we don't ever intend to live there permanently. All the money we spend on housing, cars, school, and just living will be a big fat waste. We could just stay here, keep making great money and start growing our family.

I'm so confused and stressed out about this situation. I want to go, and I don't want to turn down a green card, and possible citizenship for my husband, but there are so many reasons why it's NOT a good idea, and a good time to immigrate.

What would you girls do if you were in my situation?

My family keeps telling me that I have to decide what I want to sacrifice...my family or my financial security. I've been broke most of my life and I know what it is to scrape together change to pay for gas or stress out about making rent...and I've also lived the last year in a place where I haven't worried about money for a SINGLE DAY, NOT ONCE, and I'm just not sure if I'm ready to go back to being broke..and for what??

HELP PLEASE!!

Now that you have a baby and husband, you have a family of your own. And wanting another baby, you will be a family unit. Your children and your husbands ability to provide for them and you, comes first.

I find it rather harsh, selfish even, your family in USA is making ultimatums "them or your financial security." If they truely loved you, they would want the best for you, your husband and your children.

Could it be that your family is frightened by the prospect of you becoming a muslim or your children being raised in Saudi Arabia?

Listen, I spent some time in Iran and I lived away from my mom for years at a time. BUT, I knew I could come home for visits! That counted for something. My mother said, "wherever is best for you and your husband is where you should be."

IT IS A MAJOR STRUGGLE HERE IN USA! Not an easy life! Given the economy, my husband was very lucky to find a job after 3 months. But now he is a slave to being on call 24 hours a day/7 days a week. I work 50 hours a week. We barely make enough money to get by.

I am seriously reconsidering moving back overseas. Iran, India.... I just can't keep up the pace here in USA.

Think about it!

[Nutty 2]

I do not think you will suffer retribution or refusal if you reapply later for a visa! Just request your case be withdrawn because you decided to stay in Saudia Arabia longer.

[amal 4]

I haven't read all the replies BUT Why not take a vacation to here once or twice a year and leave it at that? Maybe you could apply for a tourist visa for him rather than an immigration visa? The economy sucks here right now so it would be better (imho) for u to maintain a full time residency there until the economy ever gets better here.... That is just my opinion though. I hope whatever you choose works out for the best ensha'allah.

[polarbear 0]

I lived in France for 2 years, and I have to say, I even had some culture shock coming back to the USA and wouldn't have come if I hadn't been heartbroken and needed to be near my mother. It's hard to come back and resettle, even with the help of family. It's particularly hard to move countries. It's also expensive starting over, because that's what it is when all you have is your parent's house to move back to.

That being said, why would you do it temporarily?

I definantly understand where you are coming from with being financially stable and how good it feels after scrapping by... why not wait and save up more money and wait for the economy to improve? I'm almost worried that you would loose alot of money comeing back to the US now, especially if you husband couldn't find a good job right away - what would be the point then? To spend time close to your parents?

Do the kids there have summers off school? With the income and money saved there you could bring your daughter back and see the family for a few months every summer. Alot of imigrant families that have the money do the reverse every year (I know several who send the kids back home every year for an extended visit).

Just a few thoughts - its up to you and your husband - just don't underestimate how hard moving countries is on both you and the child(ren)

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide

[KHPerfectMatch 1]

If you came here he'd have to stay here most of the time until he got his citizenship. I think even with a green card you can't be out of the country for more than 6 months or they consider it "abandoning" your residency here. Not sure how many years that would take...

Be thankful you're happy where you are and have a stable life. These are tough times and being secure and not NEEDING to leave is a huge blessing...

My best friend of 25 years just came back to the USA after living in KSA for the last 17 years. She came with her 5 children and isn't going back... Her husband of 23 years took a 2nd wife (behind her back) so she decided to come home. Her children are in a bit of culture shock coming HERE after being there for all of their lives (except for vacations here). They moved to KSA 17 years ago to improve their financial situation as her husband never could get a decent job here. Unfortunately they did great financially but in the end this financed his ability to take another wife... something my dear friend couldn't bear.

I wish you the best!

Fi'Aman'Illah