Fiancee wants her family to come to America too....

[aaron2020 11,651]

Hey Jonas,

I apologize if you feel that I am passing judgment on you or your fiancee. I am not passing judgment. It seems that you have considered lots of factors and come to your own conclusion about what is right for you.

Since you have shared your story. I will give you mine.

I came to the US when I was 3 years old. I grew up in California, and I am a professional living in San Francisco. My girlfriend is a wonder black woman that I met in graduate school. We have two beautiful kids.

I consider myself an American because that is the culture that I most identify with. I've spent over six months on three trips in Vietnam in the last ten years. I did not meet my extended family until I was 31 years old. Some of them were great and some of them were shady. Just like the family I have here in the US. Some I would give me the shirt off my back to and some I can't trust because they have burned me. I've put four of my cousins' kids through college in Vietnam, so I am committed to improving the lives of those family members who have been kind to me. They too are my people as much as my community here in the US.

I see things through the prism that is my history. I've seen what my cousin arranged for her daughter. It has been a pretty terrible experience as I have been placed in the middle of this mess which I consider marriage fraud. My cousin has called and begged me to help her daughter. I am weary of risking my career and family to help my cousin and her daughter. I am sorry if I am projecting onto you.

On one of my trips to Vietnam, I met my half-brother. I've sent his family money over the years and in every e-mail I get from them is a request for more money. My father is sponsoring him for a F3 visa. My father does not have sufficient assets so I have reluctantly signed the Affidavit of Support. I've made it clear to my brother that his family has to work hard when they come here as they will be at a disadvantage in the workplace because of their lack of education and poor English. I hope that I will not have to support them for ten years, but I am prepared to do that because of my father.

My experiences have jaded me. I wasn't prepared for all of this as I was naive upon discovering my roots. I had idealize the concept of familial piety and I was sorely disappointed by events which I don't want to discuss here. Now, I am more cautious when I do help out.

I am sorry if I have offended you and any other posters.

Best of luck to you.

Aaron

[Boiler 45,535]

OF COURSE Phuong's sister wants to live in America as does my fiancee Phuong!! DUH. Neither of them would have put themselves on foreign matchmaking site ... so yes, that was a priority to them.

A bigger priority than leaving their mother?

It's a choice situation, pretty easy to find out that this would be a consequence.

I feel we have our answer.

[toma1 10]

OF COURSE Phuong's sister wants to live in America as does my fiancee Phuong!! DUH. Neither of them would have put themselves on foreign matchmaking site ... so yes, that was a priority to them.

A bigger priority than leaving their mother?

It's a choice situation, pretty easy to find out that this would be a consequence.

I feel we have our answer.

They are obviously torn between leaving their mother and making a decision to change their lives for the better. Who can blame them for wanting the best for themselves and their mother as well?

[*JG* 2]

Sorry, not sure where this question goes, but my fiancee is stressing about her mom and sister and asking me the options once she arrives here.

What are the options for bringing my soon to be wife's family here? Will they have to wait until she is a legal u.s. citizen? Do I have any power to sponser them? Would they be better off trying to get a tourist visa? What are the options, if any, for her mom and sister who is 17?

Right now, her sister is dating an American, who plans on marrying her when she turns 18 ... but while this will get sis here, we worry alot about mom. She will have no one and be all alone there. Her mom is the most darling woman on earth but I don't think we can find anyone from the u.s. who will marry mom! haha

Thanks

Jonas

I don't want to sound like I am picking on you; but you asking this question raised a red flag to me. Why the rush to bring them with her? I get that she is going to miss them and all that. We've all been there. But, so soon.....it just speaks to me.

I wish you the very best.

[toma1 10]

"It is not advisable, James, to venture unsolicited opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their exact value to your listener."

--Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged, 1957

[Boiler 45,535]

OF COURSE Phuong's sister wants to live in America as does my fiancee Phuong!! DUH. Neither of them would have put themselves on foreign matchmaking site ... so yes, that was a priority to them.

A bigger priority than leaving their mother?

It's a choice situation, pretty easy to find out that this would be a consequence.

I feel we have our answer.

They are obviously torn between leaving their mother and making a decision to change their lives for the better. Who can blame them for wanting the best for themselves and their mother as well?

They conciously are looking to emmigrate.

A consequence is leaving their mother.

They would not have gone this far if leaving their mother was a show stopper.

So it is a non issue. Certainy to their intended(s)

[toma1 10]

They would not have gone this far if leaving their mother was a show stopper.

No, it's clearly not a show stopper. But everything is not as black and white as you make it seem. You have no idea if it was a 99%/1% decision or a 51%/49% decision. The end result is the same, but the effect on the woman's psyche is not.

Edited November 2, 2008 by toma1

[toma1 10]

I came to the US when I was 3 years old. I grew up in California, and I am a professional living in San Francisco. My girlfriend is a wonder black woman that I met in graduate school.

So how did you end up here? Just helping your VN family members?

[Donna A 4]

so whats going to happen to the mom? she is going to stay in vietnam all alone?

[JonasMichaels 0]

Actually, because of their lack of a father, mom wanted both girls to get out of the country. If you knew the whole story, it might be easier to understand. Dad was in the south army, working directly for Americans. Dad was a "high up" spy type who seriously betrayed the communist government (for as much as I can gather) and even after the war was over, he was stalked and chased by the viet cong (who they still have in VN to this day, whether they admit it or not.) because he was still opposing communism and trying to overthrow the government with a group of people he led. He was finally found and murdered him in 1992, a year after their second daughter was born.

Mom has worked 3 jobs to raise 2 girls and she both dislikes and fears her own country due to the communism. Mom has been prepping the girls to get foreign husbands since they were teens. Neither girl really wanted to leave mom alone, so that is the conundrum. Phuong really dislikes how vietnamese girls try to get foreign husbands just to get out so her "trying" to find one was without passion. Phuong mostly told off every guy she met on the dating site, including me, but I thought it was funny and kept talking to her. I pursued her eventhough she told me to get lost in no uncertain terms. It was like she was on the site for her mom but really trying to NOT find a husband that way on the other hand, if that makes sense.

To make a long story short, you can see why I want them ALL here, they are all really wonderful people. They are not "shady" and have told me everything. Mom would rather suffer in VN (and does not want me to give her money) and see her daughters have freedom and opportunity. Now, would you leave a woman like that alone in Vietnam?

Jonas

[Donna A 4]

i think u need to get the mom on the dating site too and see if u can find some nice older man for her.

[toma1 10]

Actually, because of their lack of a father, mom wanted both girls to get out of the country. If you knew the whole story, it might be easier to understand. Dad was in the south army, working directly for Americans. Dad was a "high up" spy type who seriously betrayed the communist government (for as much as I can gather) and even after the war was over, he was stalked and chased by the viet cong (who they still have in VN to this day, whether they admit it or not.) because he was still opposing communism and trying to overthrow the government with a group of people he led. He was finally found and murdered him in 1992, a year after their second daughter was born.

Mom has worked 3 jobs to raise 2 girls and she both dislikes and fears her own country due to the communism. Mom has been prepping the girls to get foreign husbands since they were teens. Neither girl really wanted to leave mom alone, so that is the conundrum. Phuong really dislikes how vietnamese girls try to get foreign husbands just to get out so her "trying" to find one was without passion. Phuong mostly told off every guy she met on the dating site, including me, but I thought it was funny and kept talking to her. I pursued her eventhough she told me to get lost in no uncertain terms. It was like she was on the site for her mom but really trying to NOT find a husband that way on the other hand, if that makes sense.

To make a long story short, you can see why I want them ALL here, they are all really wonderful people. They are not "shady" and have told me everything. Mom would rather suffer in VN (and does not want me to give her money) and see her daughters have freedom and opportunity. Now, would you leave a woman like that alone in Vietnam?

Jonas

Haha, I just sent you a PM...

[JonasMichaels 0]

Anyone know about getting a tourist visa for mom? I know she needs money in the bank, which I could set up. If she does that, how hard would it be for her to bring her daughter with her? Anyone know?

Jonas

[toma1 10]

Anyone know about getting a tourist visa for mom? I know she needs money in the bank, which I could set up. If she does that, how hard would it be for her to bring her daughter with her? Anyone know?

Jonas

I don't know anything for sure. But, I think one key is the money needs to be in that account for a while. And better if it is multiple deposits, not just one. Even then, it's tough. I don't know, but I think it might be harder if she brings the daughter, because with no husband it may look like they are not planning to return. I think you have an uphill battle either way, but I would be surprised if the daughter can get a tourist visa at all until she is over 30 or married.

[PlatyPius 5]

Welcome to the world of being nothing but a bank account and a "Path to America".....