Letters to HAL9000

[Nagishkaw 510]

Destination: The Galley.

Row well and live.

[HAL 9000 96]

Pal HAL,

Last night was corned beef on rye and pickles on the side. tonight we've got beef tenderloin slow cooked to med rare on the grill. Baked potato with fresh veggies are included.

You bringing the beer?

Dear Natty,

It is with sad regret that I apologize for not partaking in dinner with you and yours last night. Indeed a good 1L Steinkrug filled with freshly brewed India Pale Ale would have done the trick. Again, my deepest apologies. Next time will be a hoot.

[HAL 9000 96]

Destination: The Galley.

Row well and live.

Rowing is for entities that cannot afford a starship. When I go I cruise in this:

[EstebanTrabajos 7]

HAL 9000 wonders if Tavo feels a little mentally divergent, showing up twice on the same list. ¿?

This is Bush's pardon list

[HAL 9000 96]

HAL 9000 wonders if Tavo feels a little mentally divergent, showing up twice on the same list. ¿?

This is Bush's pardon list

It is HAL 9000's opinion that you should perhaps await a pardon from someone not apt to be harshly judged on several fronts.

[EstebanTrabajos 7]

HAL 9000 wonders if Tavo feels a little mentally divergent, showing up twice on the same list. ¿?

This is Bush's pardon list

It is HAL 9000's opinion that you should perhaps await a pardon from someone not apt to be harshly judged on several fronts.

No No, I meant he is going to pardon himself twice, he did enough in 8 yrs for at least another 100 pardons

[HAL 9000 96]

HAL 9000 wonders if Tavo feels a little mentally divergent, showing up twice on the same list. ¿?

This is Bush's pardon list

It is HAL 9000's opinion that you should perhaps await a pardon from someone not apt to be harshly judged on several fronts.

No No, I meant he is going to pardon himself twice, he did enough in 8 yrs for at least another 100 pardons

HAL 9000 now computes.

[Amby 490]

Dear HAL,

My friend's house was recently broke into for the third time and now she is scared to stay there on her own while her boyfriend is out of town. I'm kinda tired of her staying with me as she's driving me crazy. Any tips to help her feel safer at their house? They are moving to a better area in a month, but dammit I cannot stand her being messy and talking nonstop anymore. PLEASE HELP!

[Ban Hammer 13,334]

Dear HAL,

My friend's house was recently broke into for the third time and now she is scared to stay there on her own while her boyfriend is out of town. I'm kinda tired of her staying with me as she's driving me crazy. Any tips to help her feel safer at their house? They are moving to a better area in a month, but dammit I cannot stand her being messy and talking nonstop anymore. PLEASE HELP!

get one of these:

[Amby 490]

Dear Charles,

She has a pit bull that is very mean. I also offered her the services of my dog that enjoys eating other animals as snacks but it didn't help. The last time people broke in, her boyfriend chased them down the street with a gun...barefoot and in his boxers.

Edited November 7, 2008 by Amby

[Ban Hammer 13,334]

Dear Charles,

She has a pit bull that is very mean. I also offered her the services of my dog that enjoys eating other animals as snacks but it didn't help. The last time people broke in, her boyfriend chased them down the street with a gun...barefoot and in his boxers.

the above is 130 pounds and 34" at the shoulder. it fetchs not just the mail, but the mailman.

[Amby 490]

Dear Charles,

She has a pit bull that is very mean. I also offered her the services of my dog that enjoys eating other animals as snacks but it didn't help. The last time people broke in, her boyfriend chased them down the street with a gun...barefoot and in his boxers.

the above is 130 pounds and 34" at the shoulder. it fetchs not just the mail, but the mailman.

My dog is 100lbs, fetches the mail, and actually bit the mailman a few times

I will show her the photo when she gets off work

[HAL 9000 96]

Dear HAL,

My friend's house was recently broke into for the third time and now she is scared to stay there on her own while her boyfriend is out of town. I'm kinda tired of her staying with me as she's driving me crazy. Any tips to help her feel safer at their house? They are moving to a better area in a month, but dammit I cannot stand her being messy and talking nonstop anymore. PLEASE HELP!

Dear Amby:

It seems you have two problems-

Charles was going to be my #1 recommendation to clear your residence. But a pre-treatment with cauliflower (put it on pizza) would have been necessary in order to activate his fumigating powers, as you appear to have a pest problem. The #2 recommendation would address the second problem- mainly, the crime problem in her area. May I suggest renting the famous 80's movie "Angel" and instead of playing the naughty lassie, you take a more 'vigilante' approach to protecting your friend's property. As this will only last the month, the time commitment wouldn't be too long.

HAL 9000 hopes the crime problem reduces soon in your friend's neighborhood. This may be a case of neighborhood teenagers being bungholes, and perhaps some secret spy shop videorecording may be in order.

Dear Charles,

She has a pit bull that is very mean. I also offered her the services of my dog that enjoys eating other animals as snacks but it didn't help. The last time people broke in, her boyfriend chased them down the street with a gun...barefoot and in his boxers.

It does seem that setting a trap would be appropriate in this case.

[Laura+Tom 2]

Dear HAL,

Why does it always rain so in the UK? Especially when your sunroof decides to develop a leak at the same time?

[HAL 9000 96]

Dear HAL,

Why does it always rain so in the UK? Especially when your sunroof decides to develop a leak at the same time?

Hello Laura+Tom.

HAL 9000 believes it rains more frequently in the UK in order for England to have a green and pleasant land, as William Blake once put it. Since he also mentions a chariot of fire, it may be that the heat setting on the chariot is a bit too high, thereby causing a slight imperfection in the rubber sealing on the sunroof and the subsequent leak. May I suggest (after fixing the offending leak) to tone down the fire setting on your chariot and increase ever so slightly the heat setting on the A/C unit.

Pleasant drives!