Things getting tough at my workplace

[sunandmoon 450]

NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE October 27, 2008

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes , Versace dresses and carry a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

[HoneySkin 0]

Lol...this ones good for a laugh..thanks for sharing

[Señor Bonito 2]

Very clever and funny, Roy!

By the way, did you change your display name because you are the always hot sun and Yazi is the cool moon that ever wants the earth be between the sun and the moon (eclipse)? :lol:

Edited October 28, 2008 by AJAnTESS

[Completely 3]

NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE October 27, 2008

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes , Versace dresses and carry a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

they need carabao workers not human.

[sunandmoon 450]

Very clever and funny, Roy!

By the way, did you change your display name because you are the always hot sun and Yazi is the cool moon that ever wants the earth be between the sun and the moon (eclipse)? :lol:

actually you have it reversed, I'm moonlight and Yazi's sunshine

[iahmjpinoy 6]

NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE October 27, 2008

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes , Versace dresses and carry a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

If you thought your company policy was bad, check out what I got today....

NEW EMPLOYEE POLICY - EFFECTIVE October 27, 2008

As a result of the money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down our number of personnel. Under this plan older employees will be asked to go on to early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger employees who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out our older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retiring Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination)

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early

Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment), unless he or she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).

As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES OR CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training ($HIT). This company takes pride in the amount of $HIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more $HIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough $HIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the $HIT that you can stand.

[sunandmoon 450]

NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE October 27, 2008

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes , Versace dresses and carry a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

If you thought your company policy was bad, check out what I got today....

NEW EMPLOYEE POLICY - EFFECTIVE October 27, 2008

As a result of the money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down our number of personnel. Under this plan older employees will be asked to go on to early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger employees who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out our older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retiring Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination)

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early

Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment), unless he or she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).

As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES OR CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training ($HIT). This company takes pride in the amount of $HIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more $HIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough $HIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the $HIT that you can stand.

mine not so bad afterall...

[Señor Bonito 2]

NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE October 27, 2008

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes , Versace dresses and carry a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

If you thought your company policy was bad, check out what I got today....

NEW EMPLOYEE POLICY - EFFECTIVE October 27, 2008

As a result of the money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down our number of personnel. Under this plan older employees will be asked to go on to early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger employees who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out our older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retiring Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination)

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early

Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment), unless he or she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).

As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES OR CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training ($HIT). This company takes pride in the amount of $HIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more $HIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough $HIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the $HIT that you can stand.

This one is as good as the other one!

iahmjpinoy, sika ti mangmainmainten daydiay Igor's List?

[iahmjpinoy 6]

iahmjpinoy, sika ti mangmainmainten daydiay Igor's List?

Saan siak... link laeng...

[DARUMA07 25]

NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE October 27, 2008

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes , Versace dresses and carry a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

If you thought your company policy was bad, check out what I got today....

NEW EMPLOYEE POLICY - EFFECTIVE October 27, 2008

As a result of the money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down our number of personnel. Under this plan older employees will be asked to go on to early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger employees who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out our older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retiring Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination)

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early

Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment), unless he or she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).

As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES OR CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training ($HIT). This company takes pride in the amount of $HIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more $HIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough $HIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the $HIT that you can stand.

mine not so bad afterall...

Can I work where you two work? Sign me up! There's nothing like going to work and being abused....

Gives me Wood.....

Edited October 29, 2008 by DARUMA07

[sunandmoon 450]

Can I work where you two work? Sign me up! There's nothing like going to work and being abused....

Gives me Wood.....

I can live with the work policy, but the paycheck deductions are killing me...

PAYCHECK GUIDE:

The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Gross pay $1,212.02

Income tax $244.40

Outgo tax $45.21

State tax $11.61

Interstate tax $61.10

County tax $6.11

City tax $12.22

Rural tax $4.44

Back tax $1.91

Front tax $1.16

Side tax $1.61

Up tax $2.24

Tic-Tacs $2.98

Thumbtacks $3.93

Carpet tacks $1.98

Stadium tax $2.69

Flat tax $8.32

Surtax $3.46

Corporate tax $2.60

Parking fee $7.00

FICA $81.88

TGIF Fund $9.95

Life insurance $7.85

Health insurance $17.23

Dental insurance $5.50

Mental insurance $5.33

Disability $3.50

Ability $1.25

Liability $3.41

Unreliability $10.99

Coffee $16.85

Coffee Cups $66.51

Floor rental $16.85

Chair rental $1.32

Desk rental $14.32

Union dues $25.85

Union don'ts $3.77

Cash advance $0.69

Cash retreats $121.35

Overtime $1.26

Undertime $54.83

Eastern time $9.00

Central time $8.00

Mountain time $7.00

Pacific time $6.00

Time Out $12.21

Oxygen $10.02

Water $16.54

Heat $51.42

Cool air $26.83

Hot air $28.13

Miscellaneous $113.29

Sundry $14.09

Various $8.01

========================

Net Take Home Pay $6.02

[DARUMA07 25]

Can I work where you two work? Sign me up! There's nothing like going to work and being abused....

Gives me Wood.....

I can live with the work policy, but the paycheck deductions are killing me...

PAYCHECK GUIDE:

The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Gross pay $1,212.02

Income tax $244.40

Outgo tax $45.21

State tax $11.61

Interstate tax $61.10

County tax $6.11

City tax $12.22

Rural tax $4.44

Back tax $1.91

Front tax $1.16

Side tax $1.61

Up tax $2.24

Tic-Tacs $2.98

Thumbtacks $3.93

Carpet tacks $1.98

Stadium tax $2.69

Flat tax $8.32

Surtax $3.46

Corporate tax $2.60

Parking fee $7.00

FICA $81.88

TGIF Fund $9.95

Life insurance $7.85

Health insurance $17.23

Dental insurance $5.50

Mental insurance $5.33

Disability $3.50

Ability $1.25

Liability $3.41

Unreliability $10.99

Coffee $16.85

Coffee Cups $66.51

Floor rental $16.85

Chair rental $1.32

Desk rental $14.32

Union dues $25.85

Union don'ts $3.77

Cash advance $0.69

Cash retreats $121.35

Overtime $1.26

Undertime $54.83

Eastern time $9.00

Central time $8.00

Mountain time $7.00

Pacific time $6.00

Time Out $12.21

Oxygen $10.02

Water $16.54

Heat $51.42

Cool air $26.83

Hot air $28.13

Miscellaneous $113.29

Sundry $14.09

Various $8.01

========================

Net Take Home Pay $6.02

Roy, what about the Bathroom Tax?

Toilet Tax $3.02 & Urininal Tax $3.00, which leaves $0 to live on....

[jom 4]

Very funny

[Gumbolette 58]

Can I work where you two work? Sign me up! There's nothing like going to work and being abused....

Gives me Wood.....

I can live with the work policy, but the paycheck deductions are killing me...

PAYCHECK GUIDE:

The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Gross pay $1,212.02

Income tax $244.40

Outgo tax $45.21

State tax $11.61

Interstate tax $61.10

County tax $6.11

City tax $12.22

Rural tax $4.44

Back tax $1.91

Front tax $1.16

Side tax $1.61

Up tax $2.24

Tic-Tacs $2.98

Thumbtacks $3.93

Carpet tacks $1.98

Stadium tax $2.69

Flat tax $8.32

Surtax $3.46

Corporate tax $2.60

Parking fee $7.00

FICA $81.88

TGIF Fund $9.95

Life insurance $7.85

Health insurance $17.23

Dental insurance $5.50

Mental insurance $5.33

Disability $3.50

Ability $1.25

Liability $3.41

Unreliability $10.99

Coffee $16.85

Coffee Cups $66.51

Floor rental $16.85

Chair rental $1.32

Desk rental $14.32

Union dues $25.85

Union don'ts $3.77

Cash advance $0.69

Cash retreats $121.35

Overtime $1.26

Undertime $54.83

Eastern time $9.00

Central time $8.00

Mountain time $7.00

Pacific time $6.00

Time Out $12.21

Oxygen $10.02

Water $16.54

Heat $51.42

Cool air $26.83

Hot air $28.13

Miscellaneous $113.29

Sundry $14.09

Various $8.01

========================

Net Take Home Pay $6.02

Holly molly!...

[nbfsb 1]

very funny...