Its all over. My world has just collapsed.

[rebeccajo 14]

I'm saddened to read this. Very saddened.

Perhaps you two were just both too young. I don't know. Or perhaps one or the both of you have simply changed. That happens in long term relationships. Your story is very different from most on VJ because you are both young, but have the longevity of a much older couple.

Laura posted above about the white knight sweeping his lover off her feet. I like the way she put that because not only do I believe she is right, but that is what I have been clumsily trying to suggest to you in previous posts. I hope you consider that option, no matter what your wife insists.

There IS such a thing as being too nice of a guy. I know you are trying to be considerate of her, but you need closure as well. I don't know if you can get yourself a credit card to purchase a plane ticket with, but I would suggest you look into that.

I'd love to see you get your fairy tale ending on this. That may or may not happen. But I don't see how it stands a chance as long as you are apart.

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

I'm saddened to read this. Very saddened.

Perhaps you two were just both too young. I don't know. Or perhaps one or the both of you have simply changed. That happens in long term relationships. Your story is very different from most on VJ because you are both young, but have the longevity of a much older couple.

Laura posted above about the white knight sweeping his lover off her feet. I like the way she put that because not only do I believe she is right, but that is what I have been clumsily trying to suggest to you in previous posts. I hope you consider that option, no matter what your wife insists.

There IS such a thing as being too nice of a guy. I know you are trying to be considerate of her, but you need closure as well. I don't know if you can get yourself a credit card to purchase a plane ticket with, but I would suggest you look into that.

I'd love to see you get your fairy tale ending on this. That may or may not happen. But I don't see how it stands a chance as long as you are apart.

I agree with REB. I think you should just go over. I would do anything and everything for my hubby. One of the many things that made me fall in love with him is the fact that after an arguement one time when I was still in NY, I thought he was going to "dump" me, but then he rang me later and said that I needed to let go of my past and not use my relationship with my ex against him, that not all men are the same. He told me that just because we have an arguement doesnt mean that we are done and that he doesn't work that way. He then told me that he will work on any relationship he has. THat really stands out to this day. Everytime we argue, I remember that. With my ex, I use to try and talk to him but he would just always blame me. I got to the point where I just started sweeping things under the rug. Don't do that with your wife. Don't let her tell you that it is over. Something else that a friend told me years ago, he said that if he had something to talk about with someone, he would always talk to the person face to face. Reason being, you can always get a better read from them then rather over the phone. Think about that. It is much easier to lie to someone over the phone then it is in person. I for one don't think that it is over between you and your wife. Be the knight in shining armour!!! Do whatever it takes to get the money to get over there. You as her husband have rights to stay on the base. I don't want to hear any excuses. I know what it is like to be strapped for cash trust me. This is coming from someone who at 18 was kicked out of her parents home and lived in her car for 3 months because my mother was going through menopause and just freaked out on me because I got an 89% in Economics class!! Just go for it...things have a way of working out whether you see it now or not.

Laura Mitchell

[TracyTN 237]

I'm very sorry to hear this, dnkelly, but you said something that I have often wondered about as I read of the endless breakups here on VJ - I think that people DO get very caught up in the 'fairy tale' idea of it all. Sometimes to the point where they overlook what can often be very harsh realities. I think for you to recognize that is very savvy, although I know it was difficult to get there.

I wish you both the best for your futures. Here's to lots of healing for you both. Perhaps you'll be able to remain friends and a source of support for one another.

[gimygirl 0]

the only fairytale endings are in hollywood!

best of luck to you both!!!

[dingding 0]

Thanks for everyones support and advice through this. It has been a very emotional, and confusing few weeks. And I know that there will be more to come. It is a confusing situation, and I guess an unusual one too. Im getting to the point now where it almost seems maintaining our friendship is becoming more important that maintaining our marriage. Not that it isnt extrememly important to me, but with our history Im not sure whether our ralationship or our marriage is ultimately more important. I would rather things end this way and we remain close friends, than we fight it out and end up unable to be friends.

If you asked me what I wanted, if I could wave a magic wand, I would want us to be togther, for us to be married, happily married. But I wouldn't want us to be married if she wasn't happy and it wasn't what she wanted.

In a few weeks when I have the cash I will quite probably go over, get a room at the Navy Inn and just call her and tell her, "hey, im here, lets go get a drink". The worst thing that can happen is she will be so angry at me for just turning up that she will indeed refuse to see me. I think there may well be further developments. It is still early days and I think now that she has dropped the ball so to speak she thinks that it can literally be tied up in a matter of a couple of weeks. We will have to check her home of residences divorce laws to see if she can even file there yet. I know that she couldn't yet file for divorce in the state we were married in and the state she is now in due to residency laws and separation laws. But I think back home she will be able to just file under inreconsilible differences.

I don't know. Im just going to carry on hitting the Gym and PTing and getting on with work until I figure out whats next.

I forgot to include that it frustrates me that she is refusing to discuss it with anyone. She has told her family but is refusing to go into detail with them or discuss it more. She just told them so they knew, but told them she doesn't want to talk to them. Im trying to get her to go see the chaplain or a counsellor or something, just to help her figure out what she is feeling, and also about her being depressed etc. I dont want her to struggle through it on her own.

[Kez/JWolf 6]

(((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Keep strong my friend... my thought remain with you...

Kezzie

[dingding 0]

A quick update.

Its 99.9% going to be divorce. That 0.1% is the last of my hope. But from talking to each other it seems she has 100% made up her mind. It's not really like talking to the same person. I mean it is, but it isn't. You can tell things are different between us now. She has started proceedings. Her Dad is reluctantly and begrudgingly sorting it all out as far as paperwork etc. He is in Idaho, where she is filing. He has done it before for himself, and fairly recently her brother.

Im still really sad about it. Im still confused about it, and I am angry about the timing and means, and my wife's unwillingness to try and figure stuff out. However I am not depressed, and I am suprised at that to be honest. I am sad about it, I would rather things be the same, I am lonely as hell, but Im not actually depressed.

I do have a very odd and strong desire to really achieve something though, something really good or really big. I think it probably stems from me wanting to prove to myself that I AM worth a damn.

And if I am totally honest the longer this all goes on and the more we talk, the less I do actually want to make this work. It's wierd. I kinda feel like for us to get back together now it would take a huge gesture from her, and I don't see that happening.

I still tell her I love her, and she keeps reinforcing that she loves me. I still maintain that I want to be with her, and keep telling her not to forget that. We get on fine and have even been joking and laughing together.

I have some serious adjusting to do. I have never felt more alone, or been more alone (my friends go out perhaps once per month, and are not interested in just hanging out at each others houses). But I think it is definately over.

[JenT 0]

Hi David,

So sad to read your latest postings. As I said in one of my earlier responses, once one partner hardens their heart against the other, there's not much the other other can do.

As long as you know in your heart that you've done all that you can, you'll eventually emerge from this with a sense of peace... It would be easy to fall into the trap of questioning your value and self-worth while your heart is aching, but there are plenty of people here who would not question you one bit... stay strong.

Jen

[Peggy 1]

Best of luck to you David.

[wherezdabearz 0]

Really sorry to hear this. In my experience, there's a time for fighting for a relationship and a time for acceptance that it's over. I think once you can accept, you can start the long healing process.

All the very best

Alison

[munchkins 0]

David, so sad to read this but you can at least start to put a closure on all this. If you do go over and do what you say you might, I hope she meets you with the friendship that you both once had, if you understand what I mean.

Whichever way you decide to go and whatever you now decide to do, I wish you all the best.

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Ditto what munchkins said - I really do wish you the best and I hope you're not offended but I think your wife sounds a little immature - certainly her ability to cope with multiple life changes seems a bit..lacking...maybe its due to all the things she's had to cope with in her life, I dunnno - but to say she loves you and file for divorce at the same time seem so at odds with each other that its quite bizarre.

I really hope your future is better and you can find peace

[gimygirl 0]

david ...

i am actually not sad for you ... sometimes two people CAN love each other and not be able to live together. i'm glad that you are still able to talk, laugh and joke about some things. you have a long history with this girl and that will help.

it's normal to be sad and lonely at this time and it sounds like you are really working through those feelings instead of denying them. a divorce is never easy and it will take a bit of time to restore your self esteem. take that time and don't rush it ... everyone heals at their own pace. also try to avoid the "if's" : if i only did this or if i only said that ... it's counter-productive thinking.

this is a new beginning for you ... full of new possibilities!! thank you for having the courage to bring your story to us. we have shared a similar experience with individual outcomes. you have really come across as a stand up guy with a lot of caring. i wish the best for you both during this time!!

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

[dingding 0]

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

That actually brought a teat to my eye! It is so true though.

Thanks again for all your comments. I think that is why our situation is so unique and difficult.

We have loved each other for much longer than we have been married or even together. We loved each other as close friends years before we actually fell IN LOVE. Though I know my wife does love me very very much, and I think she always will (and so does she), Im not sure that she is IN love with me any more. And as one of you said, I don't think she could go through with a divorce if she was. Although saying that maybe she would. That was another good point that I happen to agree with. Whilst I dont think she is imature as such, I think she is troubled. She has been through an awful lot in her life, and I don't think she can cope with the combined pressures of her Navy career along with immigration and a marriage.

She saw her parents live for many years in a totally loveless marriage, as completely loveless as one can be, they admitted that they didn't like each other and they pretty much stayed together for the sake of the kids.

Both of her parents have since remarried and are ridiculously happy. I think that may have some baring on her thoughts and reasons too. She saw her parents be unhappy with their lives because of their marriage but are now so happy, she perhaps thinks that they wasted alot of their lives, and if they had got divorced earlier they would have had more happier years, if that makes sense.

She keeps saying to me that she thinks this will be better for the both of us in the long run, and I cant help but think she has been thinking about her parents situation. She may think if she rips of the band-aid now as it were, we will both be happier sooner. I think she also thinks of her brothers situation. He married a Japanese Girl when he was 19, they didn't love each other, but they both liked Martial Arts movies (seriously) so they married and thought they would grow to love each other. That didn't happen. They to had a very loveless marriage, but despite that had two wonderful kids. They filed for divorce recently. He is now an officer in the marines. His kids are dealing with huge abandonement issues. I think she has thought about that too. I think she has a lot of fear. I remember when we first married, we had a couple of rows about her getting stupidly drunk and acting horrible to me. She later admitted that she was testing me, she really didn't believe that I loved her as much as I said I did and would indeed stay with her forever as I had vowed. She was trying to push me to see If I would hot tail it back to England. I didn't.

I have no doubts that she was indeed very much in love with me. I think she has issues that I perhaps will never understand.

[JenT 0]

I think she has issues that I perhaps will never understand.

I'm sure you're right about that David... the sooner you're able to move on and stop analyzing things, the more peace you will have. Only you will know the time for that, though.

I would also consider setting up some boundaries after the dust settles.... for you to be able to move on, are you going to be able to remain in communication with her? Would it be best to cut all contact? She has to konw what she's setting herself up to lose. Is she expecting that you will be able to go back to the way things were before you were married??