Its all over. My world has just collapsed.

[dingding 0]

Thanks. I am not "playing dead" though, and I am not a passive person. I never shy from confrontation, and am always the first person people come to when they want to make a complaint with companies etc or to negotiate on their behalf

I actually want to be on a plane on the way over there, that is the first thing I wanted to do, and still do. My concern isn't my job. Right now I don't really give a flying fug about anything other than my wife. The reason I am not on a plane yet is I think that would, at this point, actually make things worse. In my opinion the last thing she needs, a week after her disclosure to me, is me turning up at the navy base hammering on her door and insisting in seeing her and "sorting everything out". Im pretty sure I will go back. But right now I think it would be best to give her a few weeks. She is about to start a very demanding training course on which her whole career could depend. And I have to hope that once she reaslises that, "hey - ive told him im not happy and want a divorce" - she may now have time to think of other things other than telling me and how I will take it. She may realise that there are indeed other options.

Edited June 8, 2006 by dnkelly1977

[dingding 0]

Also flying over there right now isnt really an option financially. And whilst yes this is all more important than money, it really isnt an option - we just don't have the cash for the ticket and hotels etc. Whilst we only have a car loan, we are not exactly flush with cash following all our expenses after Katrina and furnishing our home (all of which is in storage). I haven't been working enough yet to earn the cost of the trip. It wouldn't be fair of me to wipe out all of our money without her permission. I cannot get a loan over here as I would not pass a credit check with only 3 weeks work behind me, and I couldn't get a loan from the states unless it was in her or our joint names.

[rebeccajo 14]

....... It wouldn't be fair of me to wipe out all of our money without her permission......

This isn't about fair. It's about your life.

Is she being fair? I don't think so..............

[dingding 0]

....... It wouldn't be fair of me to wipe out all of our money without her permission......

This isn't about fair. It's about your life.

Is she being fair? I don't think so..............

Well maybe fair is the wrong word. What I meant is it wouldn't be really right to use our money to buy a ticket and then we cannot pay bills, cannot pay for food etc until the next pay check. If I told her that I was going to use all our money to get a ticket and come over, she may panic and just put blocks on it.

And as much as I want to be on that plane, if we don't actually physically have the money for me to buy the ticket, what can I do? Try and force my way on the plane, don't think that would go down to well with everyone.

[rebeccajo 14]

I'm not suggesting that you bankrupt yourself.

All I'm saying is think outside the box emotionally.

Edited June 8, 2006 by rebeccajo

[dingding 0]

I'm not suggesting that you bankrupt yourself.

All I'm saying is think outside the box emotionally.

Im confused by your suggestion? Believe me, I have been thinking outside the box, inside it, ontop of it, next to it, parallel to it, beneath it, behind it. Ive been doing nothing but think since last week. Im mentally exhausted.

Believe me if it could have been thought about, it has.

[dingding 0]

Ok, a quick update.

Its been a tough weekend. My wife has been very depressed and has been in bed just wanting to sleep the whole weekend. Being in the shared dorm barracks is really getting to her, and she is depressed about me, and us. She said she thinks that divorce would be the best thing for both of us in the long run. But she is depressed about it, and about how sad etc it is making me. Now I dont know, although she said that she still thinks that Divorce will be the best thing for both of us "in the long term" I can't help but feel that this might mean she has been thinking about it a little more, and the consequences etc.

Now I felt so bad knowing she is this down and this upsept. Im worried sick about her to be honest.

Im thinking tonight that I will suggest to her that she gets us a little apartment (if I am there she can now live of base), I come over, not with the intention of trying to convince her to stay, but just because I think it would do her good to see me, and me to see her. I think it would be good for her to get off base, her course is going to be hard enough without her being in a deep depression with no support. I will tell her that I am coming over as me, with no ulterior motives. That I will go when she wants me to, without protest etc. It will even be easier for us to sort out the divorce etc from there. And I think in the long run if we do it this way we will have less regrets. And you never know. I know the idea of seeing her now is amazing, just to hug her. And even if she wont admit I know she would love to see me now. She is so alone and so depressed.

I just hope that she doesnt take the easy way out and she seriously considers it. I mean if we are going to be miserable apart through this we may as well be happy together through this, or miserable together.

I will let you know how I get on.

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

Ok, a quick update.

Its been a tough weekend. My wife has been very depressed and has been in bed just wanting to sleep the whole weekend. Being in the shared dorm barracks is really getting to her, and she is depressed about me, and us. She said she thinks that divorce would be the best thing for both of us in the long run. But she is depressed about it, and about how sad etc it is making me. Now I dont know, although she said that she still thinks that Divorce will be the best thing for both of us "in the long term" I can't help but feel that this might mean she has been thinking about it a little more, and the consequences etc.

Now I felt so bad knowing she is this down and this upsept. Im worried sick about her to be honest.

Im thinking tonight that I will suggest to her that she gets us a little apartment (if I am there she can now live of base), I come over, not with the intention of trying to convince her to stay, but just because I think it would do her good to see me, and me to see her. I think it would be good for her to get off base, her course is going to be hard enough without her being in a deep depression with no support. I will tell her that I am coming over as me, with no ulterior motives. That I will go when she wants me to, without protest etc. It will even be easier for us to sort out the divorce etc from there. And I think in the long run if we do it this way we will have less regrets. And you never know. I know the idea of seeing her now is amazing, just to hug her. And even if she wont admit I know she would love to see me now. She is so alone and so depressed.

I just hope that she doesnt take the easy way out and she seriously considers it. I mean if we are going to be miserable apart through this we may as well be happy together through this, or miserable together.

I will let you know how I get on.

Hiya! I really think your wife is confused about what she really wants. Yes she isn't being fair to you right now, but if we are all honest, all of us tend to think irrationally when we are depressed or upset. Personally, I think that when it comes down to it, the price of an airline ticket and being strapped for a while for cash is nothing compared to losing the love of your life. You can always get back on your feet financially, but you will never be able to get back the chance to go and see her if you let it go for too long. This is your life too. I say go for it and just fly over there. NO EXCUSES!!! It seems as though that is all I am hearing on this thread from you and I don't mean that to be mean, I am trying to get you to open your eyes by saying that. There are ways of seeing her even though she is on the base. I know this for a fact! Afterall...you are her husband for which the military takes very seriously. Let me tell you a lil secret from a womans point of view, if my ex husband had made any chivalrous acts of trying to work our marriage out and if he came to me after I tried pushing him away, he probably would have won my heart back. Perhaps your wife is secretly waiting for her knight in shining armour to come galloping to her and take her breath away. What better way of doing that by just showing up??? Think about it.

Laura Mitchell

[dingding 0]

Ok, a quick update.

Its been a tough weekend. My wife has been very depressed and has been in bed just wanting to sleep the whole weekend. Being in the shared dorm barracks is really getting to her, and she is depressed about me, and us. She said she thinks that divorce would be the best thing for both of us in the long run. But she is depressed about it, and about how sad etc it is making me. Now I dont know, although she said that she still thinks that Divorce will be the best thing for both of us "in the long term" I can't help but feel that this might mean she has been thinking about it a little more, and the consequences etc.

Now I felt so bad knowing she is this down and this upsept. Im worried sick about her to be honest.

Im thinking tonight that I will suggest to her that she gets us a little apartment (if I am there she can now live of base), I come over, not with the intention of trying to convince her to stay, but just because I think it would do her good to see me, and me to see her. I think it would be good for her to get off base, her course is going to be hard enough without her being in a deep depression with no support. I will tell her that I am coming over as me, with no ulterior motives. That I will go when she wants me to, without protest etc. It will even be easier for us to sort out the divorce etc from there. And I think in the long run if we do it this way we will have less regrets. And you never know. I know the idea of seeing her now is amazing, just to hug her. And even if she wont admit I know she would love to see me now. She is so alone and so depressed.

I just hope that she doesnt take the easy way out and she seriously considers it. I mean if we are going to be miserable apart through this we may as well be happy together through this, or miserable together.

I will let you know how I get on.

Hiya! I really think your wife is confused about what she really wants. Yes she isn't being fair to you right now, but if we are all honest, all of us tend to think irrationally when we are depressed or upset. Personally, I think that when it comes down to it, the price of an airline ticket and being strapped for a while for cash is nothing compared to losing the love of your life. You can always get back on your feet financially, but you will never be able to get back the chance to go and see her if you let it go for too long. This is your life too. I say go for it and just fly over there. NO EXCUSES!!! It seems as though that is all I am hearing on this thread from you and I don't mean that to be mean, I am trying to get you to open your eyes by saying that. There are ways of seeing her even though she is on the base. I know this for a fact! Afterall...you are her husband for which the military takes very seriously. Let me tell you a lil secret from a womans point of view, if my ex husband had made any chivalrous acts of trying to work our marriage out and if he came to me after I tried pushing him away, he probably would have won my heart back. Perhaps your wife is secretly waiting for her knight in shining armour to come galloping to her and take her breath away. What better way of doing that by just showing up??? Think about it.

Laura Mitchell

Thanks, and that is exactly what I want to do. Im not making excuses so I can find any reason not to do it. And alot of this has been thinking out loud, and it is still early days. The problem right now, and for a few weeks, is that, rather it be a case that I dont think I can afford a ticket/hotels etc. I know I can't I have only been working for a couple of weeks and I literally don't have the cash to do it just yet. In a few weeks when Ive saved up enough cash then yes I probably will. We have a little money in her account, but I cannot access it, she would have to use her card, and it would literally take all our money. I was thinking to myself this morning at 3:00am when the dawn chorus woke me up, if I had a bunch of savings, I would be on a plane today, would just book myself into a hotel and call her and say "hey, im at the base hotel, come see me tonight), I really wish I could do that, but I cant. I checked out the possiblity of getting a loan, but I cant, I haven't been here at my address long enough. I have no proofs of address or anything, and I haven't been in my job long enough. I have even asked my parents, but unfortunately they are both retired now and don't have the cash, and deep down, I think my mom would be more happy for me to stay here anyway, so even if they could afford to help me out, they wouldn't. Her main concern through all of this is that I "hold your job down, you will need it now your back" etc. To be honest my parents have never been very supportive or encouraging about anything. The only time my mom ever encouraged me was if I was saving some money or working overtime etc.

Anyways I will see what she says tonight. If she still says no. When I have saved enough money in a couple of months I will tell work I need a couple of weeks to go sort this out and head over there.

But I agree, I think there is some confusion. The fact that she said, and how she said "I think it will be best for us in the long run" suggests to me that she has been questioning whether it would be or not, she was saying it as if she was re-assuring herself.

And again as far as excuses and accusations of passiveness, believe me it is easier said than done. This is still a new situation. Whilst in an ideal world that is what we would do and would see each other doing, in reality there are unfortunately other factors I have to consider. For example If I went back now, I think it could be beneficial. But If I went back the day after she told me, I think she would have shut me out and got very angry with me. I wish it could play out like the movies (our life so far has).

[Aussielad 37]

i still dont know....first of all...you's have known each other for sooooooooo many years,....you get married,..17 months into it, and now a divorce after knowing her for about 15 years????

something just isnt right on her side of things. First of all,...going out to a bar with another married man....what reason is there to do that??? personally, thats just inviting something that shouldnt be. From my point of view,...its like she has her freedom...and now its "out with the old, in with the new"....

Best of luck.

[slim 1,525]

Military relationships are not normal. Being a military spouse is "the hardest job in the military." Additionally, she will interact with people that she wouldn't normally interact with simply because she has no other options.

If I were you, I would just wait it out. Stay in England, work hard and save money (that way the two of you can use it later, or if she is going through with the "big D" than you'll be financially secure too.) and continue to tell her that it will work out if she's patient enough. Let her know how much you love her and want to be with her and just keep telling her that. As long as she's hearing that from you regularly, eventually it will come back around for her too.

[Ozgal 0]

i still dont know....first of all...you's have known each other for sooooooooo many years,....you get married,..17 months into it, and now a divorce after knowing her for about 15 years????

something just isnt right on her side of things. First of all,...going out to a bar with another married man....what reason is there to do that??? personally, thats just inviting something that shouldnt be. From my point of view,...its like she has her freedom...and now its "out with the old, in with the new"....

Best of luck.

Not to mention the 400 bucks for undies at Victorias Secret Hmmmmmmnnn!

[rbhigday 0]

I am sorry to hear about your problems but I have news both good and bad.

First the good news. If you fly there you will be able to see her.

WHich brings me to the bad news.

If she is in the Navy and in A school then she has liberal leave. She can leave base when ever class or drills are not in session which is almost every evening and weekends, unless they have duty.

The only time in the navy persons are restricted is when they are in boot camp then you can not see them until about a week before they graduate boot camp.

I hope you can work it out, but honestly I think there is a lot she is not telling you. Sorry to be blunt.

Good luck

Edited June 12, 2006 by rbhigday

[dingding 0]

Well my plan didn't wash. She said it was a good idea but she just doesn't think it is feesible. We had a very good talk though. She insisted, and I believe her, that there is no-one else involved. That the last thing she wants/needs right now is someone else in her life, that it is going to be hard enough to get over us, and that even in a year or so if she went on any dates, she would feel like she is cheating on me. And I do 100% turst her on this. If Im honest, this is what I think has happened. We have known each other for 17/18 years. We have been very good friends and then through visits, became best of friends. Then, we fell head over heels in love, and I dont think we could have done anything to avoid that. We had been kind of putting that off and fighting that a little because we knew we couldn't be together living so far apart. But then we realised that we could indeed get married and be together.

We both admitted that if there was any other way to be together we would have dated/lived together for longer first. But as all us K1 people know, immigration doesn't give you that option. We were in love with each other. We wanted to be together. We wanted to be married. I still want to be married.

But Im starting to feel that maybe this was all a bit of a fairytale for her. Our story does read like something out of a trashy romance novel. She loves me, and we are still best friends. But I think she is just starting to realise, 17 months too late, that she indeed is not ready to be married. Not ready in a settling down kind of way, and not ready in a, how can I put this, mindset kind of way. I think she still has things in her life she needs to figure out. Also, after her rape, she was a wreck. She couldn't work, was doped up, was literally a mess. She didn't think she would get over it, but I dragged her out of her state to come visit me for a few months and I helped her out of it. She says that I literally saved her life. And that she wouldn't be where she is now without me. I don't think she has used me, though some of her may think she has. I don't think that was her intention. She says that she has gone to not being able to function to being junior sailor of the year at E3 with four Navy Achievement Medals in her first two years.

I don't resent her. Im not bitter. I still love her and I think that we will remain very close friends. But I think I have to start to accept that our marriage is over, at least for now.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

awwwwwwwwww D, not much I can say anymore except still thinking of you and so sorry for what you must be feeling/going through right now. Take care, Mate... M.