Its all over. My world has just collapsed.

[JenT 0]

I'm just catching up here, DNK... so sorry that your world seems to be crumbling. Speaking from a female point of view who has had her share of 'smothering' in relationships, it sounds as though you're doing the right thing by giving her some space right now. But don't make it easy for her to dismiss you, either. Be rock solid in your love for her and in your support of her decision, but expect that at some point in time (and you have the right to set a boundary here) that you will talk face to face. It sounds like you have communicated well throughout your relationship, which is rare these days, so it's entirely reasonable to expect that to continue. The distance will make it easier for her to separate and feel like she can't return since she's hurt you so much, but if you want her back, you're going to have to come to some agreement as to how to make it work without her feeling like she'll be on the verge of a guilt-trip forever-after. Does that make sense?

I read what you wrote about her being Catholic.... regardless of whether you had a church ceremony of not, the Church considers a legal marriage also binding in terms of its 'binding power' in the Church. And you can bet that grounds for an annulment will be very difficult to come by after all you've been through.

I wouldn't lay that on her in a negative way, but her faith life will be significantly impacted if she does indeed pursue a divorce.

Jen

[iceyspots 0]

im sorry to hear about this.... i hope things can be mended in some way here comes good vibes :luv:

[dingding 0]

Hi there. Thanks again all for your continuing support. I am beginning to give up hope though.

We spoke again last night, and I said that I had some things to say, so when she is in a better place to talk (i.e. not in her dorm with 3 other girls) we should. I basically went on to tell her the things I had written down, and basically my plan as above. That I would give her what she wants etc but want to exhaust other options etc. Well she pretty much shot them down. She seemed shocked and suprised that I was still talking about whether or not we get a divorce. She said that she "thought we had agreed, that I had accepted it". She pretty much said that she is not prepared to give it a go and work at it because she knows what she wants and has made her mind up. When I mentioned there being no rush she spoke about how we would have to have it all sorted before she finishes school because it will effect her orders to her next duty station. (She was a detailer herself, and was told that people with dependents were pretty much being sent back where we were before - Millington TN, we were both ready to leave). I actually got a little angry (the first for that emotion), because I felt that all we had been through, our friendship, the evacuation from New Orleans, our married life, the immigration process, my involvement in the navy (I was always involved, I went to and helped out in every function, I did all the voluntary and charity stuff in the name of the navy. Her COs and CMCs all new be by name and always went out of there way to talk to me, which is strange for the spouse of an E3 Seaman) had been cheapened by the fact that she didn't think it worth fighting for. She admitted to wanting to take the cowards way out and not see each other face to face for a while. She refuses to discuss it with anyone else be it a chaplain, her family, anyone.

I came away angry, but apologised saying it was not my intention to argue.

I just want to find some positives. If indeed this is it and I am back in the UK I want to find some more hopes elsewhere. I want to start a new career so I can earn enough money to get my own place again. Living back at my parents isnt ideal.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

awwwwwwwww David... (F) I really don't know what to say anymore. I wish, I so wish, like you, that she would at least consider this after all you have been to each other, even before your marriage, but if she refuses to even think about it, I'm afraid there's not a lot of hope for that. I'm fairly sure it's of absolutely NO comfort to you(as it would not be for me either) but if it MUST be this way, then at least you are near people who really care about you right now. I hear what you're saying about your parent's house...you can love them as much as the day is long, and still not want to live there! You seem to have so much going for you, and you come across here on the boards as well thought out, considerate, and kind. I certainly hope some of that gets reciprocated back to you in some form or fashion VERY soon. I wish you nothing but the best in the future...things must look SO bleak right now, but things will turn around for you. I can't imagine what you're going through, nor do I even wish to, but your pain will ease in time believe it or not. I'm sure you know that, but it doesn't make it any easier right now. Take care, my friend, and if you ever need to talk just PM me. Off to bed now, just got done with some schoolwork. M.

[JenT 0]

It seems pretty obvious that she had hardened her heart against any possibility of reconciliation.... once that happens, it's very difficult to reverse. The best thing you can do now is allow yourself to experience the stages of grief (anger is one, and as you discovered, is not far below the surface)... this is a very significant loss that you're going to have to heal from.

If you're a reader, there's a very good book I would suggest when you're ready.... I was given it as a resource to help me recover from my divorce and I highly recommend it.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/157856450...glance&n=283155

You're the only one who can decide when to give up hope.... we're here if you need us.

Jen

[TracyTN 237]

David,

You certainly have a right to be angry. Getting in touch with that emotion may just help you get through all of this. Seems amazing to me, too, that she wants to give up this easily after what you all have been through together. Still makes me think she is not telling you everything.

Regardless, I hope you know that you can vent about it here, and hopefully get some helpful suggestions (like JenT's book) along the way.

Hang in there.

[Mrs.J06 4]

David,

You certainly have a right to be angry. Getting in touch with that emotion may just help you get through all of this. Seems amazing to me, too, that she wants to give up this easily after what you all have been through together. Still makes me think she is not telling you everything.

I absolutely agree with what TracyTN said here and also earlier. I also have a very strong feeling that there must be something else.

Like JenT said, it is also my personal experience that once one partner has no interest in trying to save the relationship any more, it is very difficult to go on, and not very satisfactory even if the relationship continues.

I've been there too, and I wish you the strength you need to get through this. However, this may sound harsh, I'm sorry if it does, but don't let her play games with you, after all you've been through you deserve an honest answer about what is going on, you'll need this to be able to move on!

Wish you all the best!

[rodney22 0]

dnkelly,

She is lying to you. Before I get flamed I am active duty Navy, so her saying that she would be sent back to Memphis is not right and is an outright lie. You know her MOS or her rate and I can tell you where she will go. She is in A school in Pensacola, so she is more than likely Aviation. I don't know, but it makes me mad that she has decided to end it, and you don't know the whole truth. 2 to 1 odds say that she has met someone and emotionally and physically she has moved on. Also do you know that she is getting extra money being married to you? Aren't you entitled to some of it?

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

If she's in Phase One Liberty only, that means she's relatively new to the Navy, or just starting training in a new career. Either way, she's hearing every single day BROAD GENERALIZATIONS about how Navy life is going to be and how she needs to be strong and independent, yet part of the Navy team. Also, how hard it is for marriages to work while deployed and all that BS.

The truth is, she's just left home and is constantly hearing about this new life and how things are going to be radically different. They are, while in training. The transition from the person that you knew for the last 18 years to the person that she'll be in a few months is huge! But, it's short-lived. After a while, those character traits that you fell in love with, and that she's been living for her whole life, will start to come back out. The military can't change who a person is. They can train them to act, and even THINK, a certain way, but deep down, that person will always be that person.

Once she's out of training and gets sent to a normal base or assigned to a ship, you'll actually be able to lead a pretty normal life. Those deployments that are so horrible, really aren't that bad. You can actually have quite a nice life together as a military married couple.

Now, the flip-side to all this, and what everyone seems to think is going on, is that she's sleeping around or has someone else and just isn't telling you or this and that. I seriously doubt it. But, what happens to women when they join the military, is they are instantly transformed into celebrities. There are 30+ guys to every girl, so they get WAY more attention than they're used to getting. Couple that with the fact that she's getting told every day that her new lifestyle away from you is going to be extremely hard, and she's thinking that it's better to end it now (after only 7 months of actual marrige, plus you're already "seperated" so it will be easier) than to go through with the next several grueling years trying to hash it out.

Phase One is still new. All she's doing is training and reading study materials and sitting in her room or watching movies or something if she has any free time away from class and cleaning the place. Once she gets into Phase Two and Three, and starts to get a little more "normal" again, she'll start to realize that this new life is going to be without you.... and since she wants to stay "romantically involved" now, I doubt she'll want to give you all the way up later.

If I were you.... I would tell her that you don't want to get divorced just yet, but if she still wants to after she gets permanently assigned somewhere, that you'll let her make the decision then. Tell her you want to support her through training and try to make it work even after she's done. MAKE HER GIVE IT A SHOT!!! Don't let her break it off yet. Besides, she'll be too busy now to get the papers done and all that. I'm betting that if she'll at least wait until she's done with training, and you guys start to have a "married life" together again, she'll be begging you to forgive her for the rest of your lives.

Good luck with all of this... and don't give up just because she seems like she's ready to. Trust me that a lot of her desire to divorce you and get on with her "unsupported" life is coming from the Navy, and not from a problem within your relationship.

I was about to ask what phase she was in myself until I came upon "slims" comment. I was thinking along the same lines having been in the military myself and coming from a military upbringing. When you are in basic trainging, they literally strip you down of everything mentally. THey tell you that your family doesn't want you, that you are no good, yada, yada, yada...This is so they can build you back up the way they need you to be. Right now it is very hard for her to be independant actually because the military is taking care of her. She isn't making all of her everyday decisions...the military is! How long has she been in training btw? If memory serves me correctly, she should have an off base liberty pass soon. Perhaps she isn't telling you that she can meet you off base because she doesn't want to face you? Something is not ringing right with me on this one. Whatever the reason is, I would say not to give up on her just yet.! Don't let her make excuses, but yet don't force her either. And this I know to be true, the military doesn't look to keenly on divorces even in this age where divorces are not so tabboo as they were when my mother and father got a divorce and they were both in the Navy! I would say to fly over there and surprise her. For some reason, I don't think you are correct in saying that you can only be out of the country for 6 months. I am sure a more seasoned memeber can answer that one, but for some reason I recall reading something about that.

I know it is easier said than done, but keep your chin up and keep the faith in your marriage! We are here for you anytime.

Laura Mitchell

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Are you hanging in there David? Thinking of you; take care, M.

[Welshcookie 17]

dnkelly,

She is lying to you. Before I get flamed I am active duty Navy, so her saying that she would be sent back to Memphis is not right and is an outright lie. You know her MOS or her rate and I can tell you where she will go. She is in A school in Pensacola, so she is more than likely Aviation. I don't know, but it makes me mad that she has decided to end it, and you don't know the whole truth. 2 to 1 odds say that she has met someone and emotionally and physically she has moved on. Also do you know that she is getting extra money being married to you? Aren't you entitled to some of it?

Well that is just your speculation of course.....I know from personal experience that the military do not look kindly on relationships outside of marriage...even separated ones. As for the extra money she gets for being married, she may have already informed them that she is seeking divorce therefore her pay would have been adjusted accordingly.....I am sure is well informed of these points and how they would affect her career.

I agree with Laura and Slim.....don't agree to anything until she is done with her basic

Good luck

[dingding 0]

dnkelly,

She is lying to you. Before I get flamed I am active duty Navy, so her saying that she would be sent back to Memphis is not right and is an outright lie. You know her MOS or her rate and I can tell you where she will go. She is in A school in Pensacola, so she is more than likely Aviation. I don't know, but it makes me mad that she has decided to end it, and you don't know the whole truth. 2 to 1 odds say that she has met someone and emotionally and physically she has moved on. Also do you know that she is getting extra money being married to you? Aren't you entitled to some of it?

It isn't a lie. I with her when they told her this. Though I did say at the time that wait and see, so many people think they know everything, and alot of people purposely lie.

And from talking to her more, I don't think there is really anything more to it than she is letting on.

I think she is just really confused. She thinks she knew what she wants to do with her life, but now she isn't so sure. We have been pretty much best friends all our lives. Thats what makes this situation harder I think. Not only is it my wife, but its her. There was "us" even before there was "us-us".

And because it is her, there is nothing really for me to do but give her whatever she wants to be happy. Im pretty sure we will stay in each others lives. We are just going to have to adjust to being friends again, just as we adjusted to being together.

Of course I am still in love with her. But I just want her to be happy. I will be fine in time. There will be ups and downs. Im not bitter towards her, I dont resent her. We still talk every day and she still tells me she loves me. I will always be here for her and I hope deep down we can figure something out. But I have to prepare to move on. I will make her promise that if she ever changes her mind that she has to let me know. Not to let guilt get in her way, Ive told her it will never be too late. For me it was true love.

And yes she still does get some housing allowance, which she has offered to give me until the divorce is final. I dont want it though, Ive told her to use it against paying off our car loan. After all for a while I lived on her dime, I dont feel she owes me anything financially.

Are you hanging in there David? Thinking of you; take care, M.

Im ok thanks. Getting on with things. Thanks, I really appreciate it.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

rodney, absolutely NO offense to you intended, but I'm pretty sure whatever money David might be entitled to from his wife is one of the VERY last things on his mind at the moment! When love and divorce are in the mix, it has to be pretty low in the priorities, ya know??

In addition, just because some people lie, doesn't mean all people lie. I don't know this person, so of course I don't know if she would lie or not....but her husband(and also best friend for many years as he said) should know how to read her better than any best guess that we could offer up here...so he just has to trust that. It sounds like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders David, and you're not trying to delude yourself with anything, (preparing for the worst case scenario,etc),so I'm sure you know best what's happening here. Don't let anyone 'make' you think otherwise.

Besides, even if anyone thinks she *is* cheating....do you really think that's what someone who loves his wife, and is facing the possibility of divorce really needs to hear right now? As I said in another thread recently....Yeah, I get the whole.."post personal stuff and you're gonna get different opinions, if you don't like it don't blah blah blah blah..." "It's my RIGHT to say it and all that...." Well, you're right. It IS your right to have bad judgement at a time when someone only needs a little bit of compassion I guess; I just wish fewer people would exercise that right once in a while, and think about what might be best for the emotional well-being of the poster.

If anyone takes the ump with that last bit, I can't say as tho I really care! I've said what I wanted to say and won't comment anymore on it except to the OP, who I wish all the best, like a lot of other people on this thread. Night, it's past my bedtime. M.

Edited June 8, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[Jaylen Brit 0]

I, too , am rooting for you guys.

I don't know your wife, of course none of us do cept you, so all this is just speculation and guesswork - but IF she's the emotionally fragile type could it just be that everything, the navy school, the work, the new things, the marriage all just got 'too much'? You know when you think you're doing fine, but inside you're screaming from the pressure - even if its 'perceived pressure' rather than ACTUAL pressure. Does that make sense to you?

So she's cutting the ONE thing she currently has any control over? In an effort to cope?

If that is the case then there is hope - cos once the pressure is off and she's back in her comfort zone emotionally, she may reconsider.

I do wish you guys all the very best

[rebeccajo 14]

David - I would drag my feet on this if I were you. Just because she is your 'friend' you don't have to comply with any requests to sign papers, etc. If there is no underlying reason for her wanting the divorce other than confusion, then she may well be sorry later on.

I still say get on a plane and get back to America. Fight for her. You both sound like a couple of passive individuals. If she is just in an emotional state, and you came back and tell her you aren't giving up on her - if you do everything in your power to stand up and be the strong one - things may just turn around. I know NOTHING about your relationship but I do think that in times of crises one of the pair has to lead. You are effectively playing 'dead' on this one and a marriage it too large of an issue to take that stance.

If it turns out there IS something else happening here, you are more likely to find out the truth closer up. And that will make it easier for you to move on.

I think the way this is being played out know, you are always going to wonder 'what if'. I wouldn't want a big 'what if' like this in my life.

If you found a job that quickly on this trip back to the UK, you can do it again later. So that excuse isn't really a good one when it comes to this big of a decision.

I think your turmoil is because you are so far apart. You are allowing her to completely control this turn of events and frankly that is not fair. Even if things don't work out, you can't really give it your all from 5000 miles away.

And that's just my 2 cents worth from being old enough to be your mom, and having been married once before for a very long time. My first marriage may not have lasted, but I got my stripes and learned a few lessons.

Edited June 8, 2006 by rebeccajo