Its all over. My world has just collapsed.

[TracyTN 237]

I never said nor assumed that she was sleeping around. All I said was that things did not add up.

I'm sure sorry that she feels that she's never stood on her own - too bad for the both of you that she did not have that revelation before you went through the entire immigration process, not to mention getting married!

If she can make it in the military, she can make it anywhere ON HER OWN - married or not. I'm sorry for your sake, dnkelly, that she doesn't see that.

Sorry it was someone via PM who suggested she may be seeing someone else, not yourself.

I was more referring to Slim's post. Sorry, I should have quoted it.

[djcess 0]

I'm sorry to hear that. Follow your heart.. it may not be too late.

[govols 0]

Thats another of the hard things. Obviously the person I want to turn to is my wife. I want to turn to her and say.."my wife wants a divorce" help me through is as my wife!!..d'oh!

I see your point exactly. The person you would normally rely on is your wife, and in this case it's not something you can do. I hope things will work out for you. Wishing you the very best.

Karen

[~Jess~ 0]

Wishing you the best. i really hope things work out for you. take care

[slim 1,525]

I know her very well and I don't for one minute think that she would cheat on me, she doesn't let men easily into her life, particularly after being raped a couple of years ago.

The thing is this all is so just not her.

During our 17 months of actual marriage we have been very, very happy. Yes we have had some stressful occurences, but we have got through them together and we believed they had made us stronger.

[slim 1,525]

OK, now it gets a little deeper. There are other issues there, all dealing with men, and relating to men, and interacting with men on different levels.

You've been her support for a long time, the number one man in her life, and she's been used to having you there. Now that you're "not there" anymore, she's trying to figure out all this other stuff too, and the easiest way for her to get rid of all the "male baggage" is to cut you out too and start fresh.

The Navy has some good doctors and even some good support staff at the Family Center or whatever. She definately needs to talk about all of this with a mental health professional. (Not saying she needs a shrink, just that she needs to talk to someone about her issues with men.) Maybe a clergy member could help too. It seems to me like she's got a whole lot on her mind, and if someone (other than you) could reinforce the fact that you're the good guy for her, she would be able to shift blame from you and stop wanting a divorce, to the root of the other problems and effectively deal with them.

She probably had some girlfriends before that she could talk to about everything, and being in training now has kind of cut that off. That means she gets to sit and think about everything all day without talking it out to anyone (except you) and her "positive reinforcement" is gone. Maybe talking to someone there could bring that back. Don't be scared to call someone yourself, and maybe talk it out with them over the phone, or go to your local Naval professional to discuss it from your end. There are several family support services available to military members and spouses.... use them!

[Fandango 1,439]

If I was your wife, I would feel horribly betrayed by the rape disclosure.

Edited June 4, 2006 by LisaD

[gimygirl 0]

If I was your wife, I would feel horribly betrayed by the rape disclosure.

guess it's a good thing you're not his wife!

and i know this question is going to seem like it's coming from left field because you don't question her fidelity but ... with her past emotional problems and trust issues with men ... maybe she's sought comfort, reassurance and good feelings in the arms of another woman. i don't know why but i just get that feeling.

you can tell me to be quiet now ...

[Ban Hammer 13,345]

If I was your wife, I would feel horribly betrayed by the rape disclosure.

guess it's a good thing you're not his wife!

and i know this question is going to seem like it's coming from left field because you don't question her fidelity but ... with her past emotional problems and trust issues with men ... maybe she's sought comfort, reassurance and good feelings in the arms of another woman. i don't know why but i just get that feeling.

you can tell me to be quiet now ...

bad gimy

[dingding 0]

.....

If I was your wife, I would feel horribly betrayed by the rape disclosure.

Well luckily your not, so you can stop worrying now..

[MichelleandCraig 1]

This isn't directed at you for your comment Lis...but I seem to remember this has been mentioned on the board before anyway, way back....wasn't it Dave?..either by you OR your wife..so it must have been alright to talk about I would think. Some people, as we know *points at self* are more open than others and don't mind, some are very closed as far as speaking/writing about personal experiences which is all good as well.

Dave...I hope you're hanging in there. It's certainly a terrible thing that you're going thru...you have people here that care about you, just remember that. M.

[rodney22 0]

dnkelly1977

Let her go. I have some experience in the matters of a broken heart and I am have been active duty Navy for 17 years. The facts just don't add up. Keep your chin up, around the corner is a smile and a coke!

Rodney22

[dingding 0]

Well another weekend passes. My emotions are still all over the place. I had a good night out with friends on saturday, had dinner and went to the movies. Then yesterday I had my friends son's 1st birthday party. Which was nice, but it felt wierd with all the happy families around. So many of my friends have had children since I left England, and seeing everyone so happy, whilst I was happy for them, made me feel a little sadder. I then went home and pretty much went to bed at about 6:00pm. There was nothing on tv, I couldn't concentrate on much. I just wanted to sleep. I took a couple of dramamine and cocooned myself up.

Nothing has really changed between my wife and I. She has been sick for a couple of days, so when she called me Friday night I told her to take a couple of days and don't worry about calling me etc unless you want to. Told her to concentrate on getting better and catching up on her sleep etc. Told her that it was not because I didn't want to speak to her. So I wasn't expecting to hear from her at all this weekend. However saturday morning about 4:45am her time she started texting me because she couldn't sleep. Then on sunday morning my time (about 2:00am there) she called me to say hi and we spoke for about 15 minutes, not about us, just chat. I don't know what to take from that.

Whilst I want to talk to her more about us and trying to figure things out and convince her not to give up on us, the other part of me wants to give her space and let her get used to being at school etc.

Part of me also wants to talk to her parents. I pretty close with both sets. Altough It doesn't feel right to discuss anything with them at this point because, although she has told them, she hasn't really discussed it with them in depth and I don't want to feel like I am going behind her back. But for some reason I kinda want to know what they are thinking/feeling and to let them know that this isn't what I want etc.

I can't really discuss it with my parents. My day is currently suffering from depression and doesn't say much, and my mom's main concern now is that I hold this job down, cos im "probably going to need it for good"

I dont know. All my positive motivation has been sucked out of me. Id started doing things here with going back in mind. Working and saving hard to take a big lump of cash back. Driving lessons, getting into better shape again. I was so excited about our next duty station, after the events of this year it was finally going to be our new start, the first place we would have been in together for more than a few months. I had a job lined up and was going to medical school. But now its like all the positive things have shot down. Im trying to find hope from anywhere. Something to cling onto,

This isn't directed at you for your comment Lis...but I seem to remember this has been mentioned on the board before anyway, way back....wasn't it Dave?..either by you OR your wife..so it must have been alright to talk about I would think. Some people, as we know *points at self* are more open than others and don't mind, some are very closed as far as speaking/writing about personal experiences which is all good as well.

Dave...I hope you're hanging in there. It's certainly a terrible thing that you're going thru...you have people here that care about you, just remember that. M.

Thanks as usual. Yes she is very open about it and would not be betrayed. I hope my reply to you Lis didn't sound harsh. And I know this is a public forum and you are entitled to your reply etc. But I don't need to be reading things like that right know, they will only make me feel worse, more guilty.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

I'm sure someone or many will disagree with me, but if you feel comfortable speaking to your in-laws, I would go ahead and do that. Even from this far away, I am very close with my mum and dad in law as well, and can speak about pretty much anything to them. I usually only speak to them about Craig and I when we are both talking to them, or when he encourages me to, but I feel free to call them anytime as well. I know he would never mind for one, and his Mum has TOLD me countless times to call whenver I want to. If you are close with them, I would go for it. They may be able to provide a bit of additional insight, and if not, at least they will know how you're feeling,and may be able to offer some comfort, encouragement, and/or support. I don't want to say don't worry about what your WIFE thinks, because that isn't exactly what I mean, but I don't know how else to put it. I can't see her being THAT put out that you would speak to her parents, especially if you are close to them. I'm sure your wife has been going through a rough time, and making adjustments, but so are you...you need support right now. Take it from wherever YOU feel you can get it. All the best, M.

[dingding 0]

So do you think my first plan is a sensible one?

Flying straight over there is not an option right now. I don't think it would help the situation for either of us, and to be honest we can't afford it just yet anyway. I do obviously intend to get out there a.s.a.p. And even if the worst comes to the worst, there is no way I could end without seeing each other again.

Giver her some time. This is all still new, she only told me a week ago and this has only entered her mind within the last 4 weeks. Let her know that I love her regardless, but tell her to concentrate on her school and catching up with sleep, her health etc. Tell her that she knows how I feel and what I want, but ultimately I will give her what she wants. That I love her so much that I just want her to be happy, and as usual put her first. Obviously I would hope that once she knows that I accept that she is unhappy and we have something to sort out, and divorce is possibly the outcome, that she may well be prepared to work at things, or indeed change her mind completely. In the meantime I keep chipping away at my job and my life here, and don't abandone the things I was doing for us and our future, though my motivation has gone, they will ultimately be good for me too if things go to divorce. I would then plan on going over as soon as possible/as soon as she is ready, either to try and work things out, or to say our goodbyes. Then I will have to try and figure out immigration things, right now they aren't important. They are the last thing on my mind. We have known each other for so long. Shared so many things.