Its all over. My world has just collapsed.

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Well - imo either something has happened to spook her out of being married - or else she's enjoying the 'college type' lifestyle so much its made her re-assess her settling down.

Could she not get emergency leave for family crisis? I know regular service people can do this - like a 48 hr pass deal - so you can GO there and talk to her face to face.

I don't know about the divorce situation / staying in the US but I know others will have info on that.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Again, nothing too constructive to add just wanted you to know that a lot of us are thinking of you, and I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. Try to hang in there, and let us know if anything changes. (F) M&C

[dingding 0]

Again, nothing too constructive to add just wanted you to know that a lot of us are thinking of you, and I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. Try to hang in there, and let us know if anything changes. (F) M&C

Will do and thanks MichelleandCraig. I think we have been in similar parts of this process at similar times. Its nice to be remembered! But it all seems so irrelevent now, all the immigration processes we go through. I haven't given up yet of course. I will never do that.

As far as people saying I should be on a plane today and be there with her. I wish I could, basically though she only has phase one liberty at present which means she can't leave the base at all, even at weekends.

So if I went there tomorrow I could be in a hotel in Pensacola (and we wouldn't be able to afford that for more than a few days) but I would not be able to see her or have any more contact with her than I am at present. Hopefully that will change soon and I will have the option to be with her.

Thing is though I get torn between what is the best thing to be doing right now, giving her space and understanding or being there fighting. If only there was an answer key!

After everything we have been through, and how we met. It seems crazy to give up on it all.

[TracyTN 237]

Honestly, even as an outside observer, I do not understand her 'I want to be romantically involved with you, just not married' thing. Um, first off, its too late for that - you're married. I'm quite sure you didn't hold a gun to her head to 'make' her marry you.

Second, with as long as you two have known each other, what does she expect you to do - just be there for her because she wants someone, but for you to not expect the relationship to ever change? That's hard enough to do when you live in the same city, let alone across a damn ocean.

Since all of that makes absolutely no sense, my next question (even though I hate asking it), is what isn't she telling you? There has to be SOME reason that she 'doesn't want to be married' to you, yet wants you as a romantic partner. What is that reason? Is marriage too restrictive, does it not allow her certain freedoms she longs for? Is it that she doesn't want to be legally or financially responsible for you all of the sudden?

I'm sorry, but what she is asking of you (be my 'romantic partner but don't be my husband') is irrational, and quite frankly, stupid and immature.

[KarenCee 3]

Honestly, even as an outside observer, I do not understand her 'I want to be romantically involved with you, just not married' thing. Um, first off, its too late for that - you're married. I'm quite sure you didn't hold a gun to her head to 'make' her marry you.

Second, with as long as you two have known each other, what does she expect you to do - just be there for her because she wants someone, but for you to not expect the relationship to ever change? That's hard enough to do when you live in the same city, let alone across a damn ocean.

Since all of that makes absolutely no sense, my next question (even though I hate asking it), is what isn't she telling you? There has to be SOME reason that she 'doesn't want to be married' to you, yet wants you as a romantic partner. What is that reason? Is marriage too restrictive, does it not allow her certain freedoms she longs for? Is it that she doesn't want to be legally or financially responsible for you all of the sudden?

I'm sorry, but what she is asking of you (be my 'romantic partner but don't be my husband') is irrational, and quite frankly, stupid and immature.

Hmmm....good thoughts Tracy. There is something she isn't saying, that's for dam sure. You just don't throw away a relationship like this at the drop of a hat.

Sounds like she wants her cake and to eat it too!

[TracyTN 237]

Sounds like she wants her cake and to eat it too!

Most definitely.

[dingding 0]

Again, nothing too constructive to add just wanted you to know that a lot of us are thinking of you, and I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. Try to hang in there, and let us know if anything changes. (F) M&C

Will do and thanks MichelleandCraig. I think we have been in similar parts of this process at similar times. Its nice to be remembered! But it all seems so irrelevent now, all the immigration processes we go through. I haven't given up yet of course. I will never do that.

As far as people saying I should be on a plane today and be there with her. I wish I could, basically though she only has phase one liberty at present which means she can't leave the base at all, even at weekends.

So if I went there tomorrow I could be in a hotel in Pensacola (and we wouldn't be able to afford that for more than a few days) but I would not be able to see her or have any more contact with her than I am at present. Hopefully that will change soon and I will have the option to be with her.

Thing is though I get torn between what is the best thing to be doing right now, giving her space and understanding or being there fighting. If only there was an answer key!

After everything we have been through, and how we met. It seems crazy to give up on it all.

The main reason she gave, and im not justifying, just saying what she said, was that she has relied on other people all her life. She relied on her family all her life - then she has relied on me for the past three years. She says that she needs to prove to herself that she can function on her own - she claims that she never really has. Thing is, as an earlier poster pointed out. She is functioning on her own now and will have plenty of opportunity to do so whilst in the military. She will have 9 month deployments every couple of years. Now if someone wanted to maintain a certain amount of indepence through a marriage (and everybody probably should to an extent) surely this would provide the perfect thing. We are married - she has her independence, she cant rely on me while she is at sea. But then when she comes back she can have the other side of things, and so on and so on. This is one of the things I think she needs to consider. Lets see if this works first rather than straight up divorce straight away. She can finish her course, I can come back whenever. We can live together for however long we have and she can arrange to go out to sea in a further 6 months to 12 months. Then if after doing that she still feels like she does now, then fair enough, we will look at divorce. Yes obviously being married is more than a piece of paper. But in our circumstances we can make it a piece of paper for the time being til she decides how we do things. Better than just letting go of it all.

Oh I keep forgetting to mention. She is a stong catholic too. Fair enough, we have yet to marry in the church, but she always told me that if we married that was it, there was no divorce, the only way out would be suicide!!!!!

[KaiserD 12]

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this I know nothing I say is gonna make it better but I'm thinking of you both and I hope it works out.

I know we don't know her, and not in a position really to judge, but I think Tracy's on the right track, something is not right.

[slim 1,525]

If she's in Phase One Liberty only, that means she's relatively new to the Navy, or just starting training in a new career. Either way, she's hearing every single day BROAD GENERALIZATIONS about how Navy life is going to be and how she needs to be strong and independent, yet part of the Navy team. Also, how hard it is for marriages to work while deployed and all that BS.

The truth is, she's just left home and is constantly hearing about this new life and how things are going to be radically different. They are, while in training. The transition from the person that you knew for the last 18 years to the person that she'll be in a few months is huge! But, it's short-lived. After a while, those character traits that you fell in love with, and that she's been living for her whole life, will start to come back out. The military can't change who a person is. They can train them to act, and even THINK, a certain way, but deep down, that person will always be that person.

Once she's out of training and gets sent to a normal base or assigned to a ship, you'll actually be able to lead a pretty normal life. Those deployments that are so horrible, really aren't that bad. You can actually have quite a nice life together as a military married couple.

Now, the flip-side to all this, and what everyone seems to think is going on, is that she's sleeping around or has someone else and just isn't telling you or this and that. I seriously doubt it. But, what happens to women when they join the military, is they are instantly transformed into celebrities. There are 30+ guys to every girl, so they get WAY more attention than they're used to getting. Couple that with the fact that she's getting told every day that her new lifestyle away from you is going to be extremely hard, and she's thinking that it's better to end it now (after only 7 months of actual marrige, plus you're already "seperated" so it will be easier) than to go through with the next several grueling years trying to hash it out.

Phase One is still new. All she's doing is training and reading study materials and sitting in her room or watching movies or something if she has any free time away from class and cleaning the place. Once she gets into Phase Two and Three, and starts to get a little more "normal" again, she'll start to realize that this new life is going to be without you.... and since she wants to stay "romantically involved" now, I doubt she'll want to give you all the way up later.

If I were you.... I would tell her that you don't want to get divorced just yet, but if she still wants to after she gets permanently assigned somewhere, that you'll let her make the decision then. Tell her you want to support her through training and try to make it work even after she's done. MAKE HER GIVE IT A SHOT!!! Don't let her break it off yet. Besides, she'll be too busy now to get the papers done and all that. I'm betting that if she'll at least wait until she's done with training, and you guys start to have a "married life" together again, she'll be begging you to forgive her for the rest of your lives.

Good luck with all of this... and don't give up just because she seems like she's ready to. Trust me that a lot of her desire to divorce you and get on with her "unsupported" life is coming from the Navy, and not from a problem within your relationship.

[dingding 0]

If she's in Phase One Liberty only, that means she's relatively new to the Navy, or just starting training in a new career. Either way, she's hearing every single day BROAD GENERALIZATIONS about how Navy life is going to be and how she needs to be strong and independent, yet part of the Navy team. Also, how hard it is for marriages to work while deployed and all that BS.

The truth is, she's just left home and is constantly hearing about this new life and how things are going to be radically different. They are, while in training. The transition from the person that you knew for the last 18 years to the person that she'll be in a few months is huge! But, it's short-lived. After a while, those character traits that you fell in love with, and that she's been living for her whole life, will start to come back out. The military can't change who a person is. They can train them to act, and even THINK, a certain way, but deep down, that person will always be that person.

Once she's out of training and gets sent to a normal base or assigned to a ship, you'll actually be able to lead a pretty normal life. Those deployments that are so horrible, really aren't that bad. You can actually have quite a nice life together as a military married couple.

Now, the flip-side to all this, and what everyone seems to think is going on, is that she's sleeping around or has someone else and just isn't telling you or this and that. I seriously doubt it. But, what happens to women when they join the military, is they are instantly transformed into celebrities. There are 30+ guys to every girl, so they get WAY more attention than they're used to getting. Couple that with the fact that she's getting told every day that her new lifestyle away from you is going to be extremely hard, and she's thinking that it's better to end it now (after only 7 months of actual marrige, plus you're already "seperated" so it will be easier) than to go through with the next several grueling years trying to hash it out.

Phase One is still new. All she's doing is training and reading study materials and sitting in her room or watching movies or something if she has any free time away from class and cleaning the place. Once she gets into Phase Two and Three, and starts to get a little more "normal" again, she'll start to realize that this new life is going to be without you.... and since she wants to stay "romantically involved" now, I doubt she'll want to give you all the way up later.

If I were you.... I would tell her that you don't want to get divorced just yet, but if she still wants to after she gets permanently assigned somewhere, that you'll let her make the decision then. Tell her you want to support her through training and try to make it work even after she's done. MAKE HER GIVE IT A SHOT!!! Don't let her break it off yet. Besides, she'll be too busy now to get the papers done and all that. I'm betting that if she'll at least wait until she's done with training, and you guys start to have a "married life" together again, she'll be begging you to forgive her for the rest of your lives.

Good luck with all of this... and don't give up just because she seems like she's ready to. Trust me that a lot of her desire to divorce you and get on with her "unsupported" life is coming from the Navy, and not from a problem within your relationship.

Thanks for that. She has actually been in the Navy for two years now. She is a fleet returny at A School. She did eventually get phase three liberty, but lost her liberty card last weekend so has had to go back to phase one for a time. I am fully aware of how things happen in the navy for females. At our first duty station we had a separated married guy and another guy always hitting on her, and we always joked that I trust her but its the guys in the navy I dont trust (most of em I do, but if you are involved in the navy you know there are a lot who aren't - what happens at sea stays at sea etc!!). I know her very well and I don't for one minute think that she would cheat on me, she doesn't let men easily into her life, particularly after being raped a couple of years ago.

But I agree that being at a-school has probably switched her back into full blown military mode. She is sharing her room with some 18 year old boot-camp graduates who she doesn't socialise with.

The thing is this all is so just not her. Like I said, she has always said that marriage is for life, and we are stuck with each other no matter what. During our 17 months of actual marriage we have been very, very happy. Yes we have had some stressful occurences, but we have got through them together and we believed they had made us stronger.

Trying to get the balance right of fighting for our marriage, re-assuring her that I still want marriage, making it as easy as her and wanting to make her happy and giving her space - whilst trying to wonder how I am going to cope and trying to handle this day by day as well as my new job and the "am I - aren't I " going to have to build another single life for myself over here. It is alot, but my main concern at this point is my wife, and making her happy, putting her first. I always have put her first and it will be a long time before I manage to do otherwise.

[Nessa 23]

I really don't have any good advice other than say what i'd do, which is go after her. I'm sorry

[TracyTN 237]

I never said nor assumed that she was sleeping around. All I said was that things did not add up.

I'm sure sorry that she feels that she's never stood on her own - too bad for the both of you that she did not have that revelation before you went through the entire immigration process, not to mention getting married!

If she can make it in the military, she can make it anywhere ON HER OWN - married or not. I'm sorry for your sake, dnkelly, that she doesn't see that.

[dingding 0]

I never said nor assumed that she was sleeping around. All I said was that things did not add up.

I'm sure sorry that she feels that she's never stood on her own - too bad for the both of you that she did not have that revelation before you went through the entire immigration process, not to mention getting married!

If she can make it in the military, she can make it anywhere ON HER OWN - married or not. I'm sorry for your sake, dnkelly, that she doesn't see that.

Sorry it was someone via PM who suggested she may be seeing someone else, not yourself.

[MrsBruce5 0]

You're in my thoughts David...I hope it all works out well for you.

(((HUGS)))

Rose

[dingding 0]

Thats another of the hard things. Obviously the person I want to turn to is my wife. I want to turn to her and say.."my wife wants a divorce" help me through is as my wife!!..d'oh!