Things rough for me too!

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

UPDATE I have a game plan.

I will give the next two months until after the holidays, to see if things will change between us. I will be positive, natural, not stressed, self. (Something which has become easier since I threatened to quit my job last week and the president has told the supervisors to spread the busy work to other staff instead of dumping it all on me.) I will be cordial and friendly to my husband.

If he continues with his aloofness and lack of attention, then after the holidays I will give notice on my apartment and find a room to rent somewhere. Work for another 6 months here (gain some additional bankruptcy paralegal experience), which will be marketable later on.

I will also serve my huband with seperation papers.

One thing I am considering is my husband may actually be depressed. Or his high blood pressure is affecting him (however, he refuses to take high blood pressure medicine). So if I maintain a "cheerful" disposition and he doesn't snap out of it, well, then I gotta go.

I an unsure if my husband loves or not. I am beginning to wonder if he even knows what "real love" is. But over the next two months he has his chance to show he loves me. We have had the dicussion of, "western love" being more demonstrative versus Iranian love (where the woman does not need words/expressions of affection). Somehow I don't believe his line about Iranian women not needing their husbands to be affectionate towards them. However, even if it's true. He married me, an American, knowing my temperment. He expects me to do all the adjusting to his character while making no adjustments for mine. It doesn't work that way. We both got to change.

(He asked me if I wanted to go walking with him on Saturday. I asked, "Will you talk with me?" His reply, "I don't know. It is not in my character." Then I said, "Fine then go alone, I get enough of your silence at home.")

Most middle eastern men are aloof - out of the hundreds I know in my life and from hearing stories of my aunts family....thats exactly how all of them are. Generally not bad, but not the connecting with wife and being a soft shoulder type.

Tina you have to forget about the warmness you want and focus more on getting him intot he shape you need him to be in. I don't think he will change, my mother tried more than 2 decades and still no luck. I told her to focus on herself from now on. You do the same. If he gives extra support, good - if not, then you got yourself to fall back on. This visa journey is miserable enough, he should understand your pain but i find few husbands do.

see if you guys can get more activites together and i think he just isnt understanding the reality of it all - the more he loves you, the more you would love him back and there would be harmony

he may not understand it today or tomorrow but maybe in a few years when he gets the hang of life here

sending you my love, your friend

tam

Nutty, I have to disagree with you on this one. I think you should go on the walk with him. I think you are a very nice person but you may be trying to give someone attributes he does not have. He wanted to walk with you, instead you rehashed the past and talked about the silence at home and didnt let him relax and enjoy you. Have you considered talking to some other people and just enjoying his closeness and walking up to him and touching him or cooking him something he likeness to eat? You cannot dress a donkey in tap shoes and then get pissed off he doesnt tap dance like Gregory Hines.

I agree , he might very well be an ### ( and wouldnt you trust me to be an authority on asslike behavior from men? Based on what you are telling me he is self absorbed and cerebral, not abusive. He wanted to take a walk with you and you are expecting him to behave like a movie star character. Lighten up, leave him alone a little. If you are stressed past your limit, get on some Xanax or take a swim, lay off him a little, have some good sex with him if he is willing and stop the madness. I could understand if he was hurting you physically but the reality is that you are probably venting on him because you are pissed about the responsibility, money and his lack of responding to you properly. I say... go to a good Iranian restaurant, rent some Iranian movies,make him some Iranian food and just stop all of this. Who cares who is right or wrong? Do you love him with all your heart? Then bend a little and get your fuzzies from gay friends and female friends. Then be a sexy wife to him and give him that side of you. No one can be everything to everyone and you are going to lose him with the way you are acting.. ( I AM NOT SAYING YOU ARE UNJUSTIFIED>.. I AM SAYING WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS NOT WORKING OBVIOUSLY)

I am sure my advice differs from others for obvious reasons. I just dont think he is as big of an ### as you are making him out to be. Your personalities are just not compatible and maybe without the stress of daily living , you didnt see that. I DO think you CAN work things out but yes, you will have to bend. If you can , I think you can resolve things. If you look to people besides him, they will tell you to be an ### to him and mean to him and get all Americanized on him and you will lose him. If you want to bend, I think you can build the love between you again

LOVE KAT

[morocco4ever 63]

I tend to agree with Kat on part of this one. He wanted to go for a walk with you. What could it have hurt? Of course it is totally up to you how to handle things. But perhaps he is, as you said, depressed, and maybe just some peaceful time together can help. Maybe he won't talk, maybe he will. But if you don't try it you won't know.

I hope things get better, divorce is heartbreaking.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

the blood pressure medicines can chg attitudes, you feel better, more mind and body in regulation etc . explain or have a dr you take it or u can die, how was the attitude when u were in his country, touchy, touchy, good words, i believe in trying but i dont believe in spoiling just to please them, cook this, do this etc...we are here now, we have this life do u see him trying at all? it really is give and take but there has to be some sense of at least trying to even things out from both. I think i would have walked once, just to see, if no talk then next time you will know.

Better to be alone in life and really alone than to be alone and someone sitting across from you

[Nutty 2]

My husband is not taking blood pressure medicine. And at this point I don't know what his pressure is.

However, his family, me, the doctor, the doctors family all had a "blood pressure - take your pills" intervention back in Iran. It worked for 3 weeks and then he stopped taking the damn pills.

I will admit that him asking me if I wanted to go walking with him was a "big gesture" on his part. Right now I am in "friendly/observing mode" just to see what will come out of this.

And finally, I agree, it is better to be TRUELY ALONE than suffer lonliness living with a silent, aloof person.

the blood pressure medicines can chg attitudes, you feel better, more mind and body in regulation etc . explain or have a dr you take it or u can die, how was the attitude when u were in his country, touchy, touchy, good words, i believe in trying but i dont believe in spoiling just to please them, cook this, do this etc...we are here now, we have this life do u see him trying at all? it really is give and take but there has to be some sense of at least trying to even things out from both. I think i would have walked once, just to see, if no talk then next time you will know.

Better to be alone in life and really alone than to be alone and someone sitting across from you

[Nutty 2]

I definately wouldn't be happier with an Italian ladies man! But my husband has changed. I'll admit he's reserved and a little esoteric and brainy. However, I just don't believe him when he says, "Iranian wives don't need to hear "i love you" or "expressions of affection (physical, like hugs/kisses or verbal, like dear, how are you?)

I just can't believe that!

Even so, maybe outside in public I could understand the standoffishness, but in the house?

[Simply_Uno 1]

[Imua 0]

UPDATE I have a game plan.

I will give the next two months until after the holidays, to see if things will change between us. I will be positive, natural, not stressed, self. (Something which has become easier since I threatened to quit my job last week and the president has told the supervisors to spread the busy work to other staff instead of dumping it all on me.) I will be cordial and friendly to my husband.

If he continues with his aloofness and lack of attention, then after the holidays I will give notice on my apartment and find a room to rent somewhere. Work for another 6 months here (gain some additional bankruptcy paralegal experience), which will be marketable later on.

I will also serve my huband with seperation papers.

One thing I am considering is my husband may actually be depressed. Or his high blood pressure is affecting him (however, he refuses to take high blood pressure medicine). So if I maintain a "cheerful" disposition and he doesn't snap out of it, well, then I gotta go.

I an unsure if my husband loves or not. I am beginning to wonder if he even knows what "real love" is. But over the next two months he has his chance to show he loves me. We have had the dicussion of, "western love" being more demonstrative versus Iranian love (where the woman does not need words/expressions of affection). Somehow I don't believe his line about Iranian women not needing their husbands to be affectionate towards them. However, even if it's true. He married me, an American, knowing my temperment. He expects me to do all the adjusting to his character while making no adjustments for mine. It doesn't work that way. We both got to change.

(He asked me if I wanted to go walking with him on Saturday. I asked, "Will you talk with me?" His reply, "I don't know. It is not in my character." Then I said, "Fine then go alone, I get enough of your silence at home.")

Just a little tip: if your husband's b/p isn't that high then maybe if he eats foods high in potassium that will keep it under control - one of the first things they prescribe for HBP is potassium which is readily available in bananas among other foods - HBP runs in my family, by my age all of the relatives on my mom's side were on b/p meds - I have sworn that would not be me. Among other things I eat bananas daily and doc says my b/p is good.

OK,

Edited October 21, 2008 by Pattu Rani

[morocco4ever 63]

I definately wouldn't be happier with an Italian ladies man! But my husband has changed. I'll admit he's reserved and a little esoteric and brainy. However, I just don't believe him when he says, "Iranian wives don't need to hear "i love you" or "expressions of affection (physical, like hugs/kisses or verbal, like dear, how are you?)

I just can't believe that!

Even so, maybe outside in public I could understand the standoffishness, but in the house?

You are right, there may be some women that don't care, but is that because they don't need it, or is it because they honestly don't care if he loves them or not? And yes, you are right, they may hold back affection in public, but in the house is an entirely different subject. But one thing I do know is that my husband, when he is depressed, pretty much wants to be left alone. So that is what I do. The difference is that when he is over it he is very affectionate. I don't think I could handle it if he wasn't.

I do agree that being alone is better than being alone with a man.

[Ban Hammer 13,340]

North India, Kullu Valley, is where I prefer to spend my time. Before, I worked as a temp secretary and so would be able to take long periods of time off. I go to India.

Um. . If you dress really sexy and walk in front of him or start kissing him or doing stuff, does he still read the newspaper?

Neh.......just show up naked with food.

bonus points if that's a pizza!

[belinda63 3,038]

Tina I was praying things would get better. I think it is time for a good heart to heart to discuss his fears and concerns. He is a man, he will never admit he has problems, worries, concerns, he must always present the "I've got it under control" face.

My husband is terrified of coming to my work. I work in a restaurant and I have taken him several times to the area so he can shop the store behind it and interact with people but he refuses to come inside and sit, or to come there to eat, or to even speak to any of my friends. Last night, after he sat in the car for an hour waiting for me to get off work I asked him why he would not come inside. His answer......"oh your friends will say what a worthless husband I am, a man without a job, why is Belinda with this man".

Men think very differently than we do, they are Martians.

[Der Bücherwurm 1]

I definately wouldn't be happier with an Italian ladies man! But my husband has changed. I'll admit he's reserved and a little esoteric and brainy. However, I just don't believe him when he says, "Iranian wives don't need to hear "i love you" or "expressions of affection (physical, like hugs/kisses or verbal, like dear, how are you?)

I just can't believe that!

Even so, maybe outside in public I could understand the standoffishness, but in the house?

Ok, a Spanish flamenco dancer then?

Seriously, what he said about Iranian women is bullshite. Maybe, out in a little village where people are religious and had their marriage arranged then their relationship might be cold. I think that's just a line he fed you to justify his being a cold robot. Iranian women expect lots of attention. Mine showers me with too many complements til i'm rolling my eyes because he says that's what Iranian women expect. I just tell him I don't need THAT MUCH attention. A little is nice but too much is overkill.

Maybe he genuinely loves you but can't show it. He's probly just a brain that is more comfortable with intellectual issues than emotional one's.

Edited October 21, 2008 by Hoomsfuturewife

[doodlebugg 10]

You cannot dress a donkey in tap shoes and then get pissed off he doesnt tap dance like Gregory Hines.

Men think very differently than we do, they are Martians.

Two best freakin' quotes EVER!!!

[Nutty 2]

I definately wouldn't be happier with an Italian ladies man! But my husband has changed. I'll admit he's reserved and a little esoteric and brainy. However, I just don't believe him when he says, "Iranian wives don't need to hear "i love you" or "expressions of affection (physical, like hugs/kisses or verbal, like dear, how are you?)

I just can't believe that!

Even so, maybe outside in public I could understand the standoffishness, but in the house?

You are right, there may be some women that don't care, but is that because they don't need it, or is it because they honestly don't care if he loves them or not? And yes, you are right, they may hold back affection in public, but in the house is an entirely different subject. But one thing I do know is that my husband, when he is depressed, pretty much wants to be left alone. So that is what I do. The difference is that when he is over it he is very affectionate. I don't think I could handle it if he wasn't.

I do agree that being alone is better than being alone with a man.

I've asked my husband if he is depressed and he says no. But I wonder about it.

[morocco4ever 63]

I definately wouldn't be happier with an Italian ladies man! But my husband has changed. I'll admit he's reserved and a little esoteric and brainy. However, I just don't believe him when he says, "Iranian wives don't need to hear "i love you" or "expressions of affection (physical, like hugs/kisses or verbal, like dear, how are you?)

I just can't believe that!

Even so, maybe outside in public I could understand the standoffishness, but in the house?

You are right, there may be some women that don't care, but is that because they don't need it, or is it because they honestly don't care if he loves them or not? And yes, you are right, they may hold back affection in public, but in the house is an entirely different subject. But one thing I do know is that my husband, when he is depressed, pretty much wants to be left alone. So that is what I do. The difference is that when he is over it he is very affectionate. I don't think I could handle it if he wasn't.

I do agree that being alone is better than being alone with a man.

I've asked my husband if he is depressed and he says no. But I wonder about it.

Perhaps he is, but doesn't realize it. You have seen how he acted before coming here, and you see how he acts now. The people that know him best can judge better than he can himself.

[MrsAmera 41]

Odds are he is. My husband never would have said he was at the time, looking back he definetely agrees he was severely depressed. I basically left him alone when he was in a mood. At least your husband is up and out doing things. Mine laid in bed for 3 months. It takes time, when he wanted to do something or was interested in going out we did. When he wasn't I let him do his thing. He got over it eventually but it took a long time and it wasn't fun. There were plenty of times I just cried because I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. Only to finally realize it wasn't me at all, it was just him and how he was dealing. It definetely wasn't the bed of roses I was imagining, but we made it through it and I think it made us stronger. Neither one of us was ready to give up what we knew we had it just took time to get there. We went from seeing each other every few months to living with each other day in and day out - that in and of itself is huge regardless of country/culture changes.

If I were you I wouldn't be so quick to write him off. But only you are living it day to day and can best judge for yourself what is best.