Things rough for me too!

[Imua 0]

Tina,

I am sorry you are going through all of this, please hang in there and I agree with Kat that anyone marrying a guy from MENA or a developing country in general needs to really be explicit about money, bills, etc. - you need to tell him exactly how much goes where each month. I have told my husband everything but don't think it will really hit home until he gets here. Your husband might also be going through homesickness now that the novelty of being in America has worn off. I am happy he did find a job and has a car to use so now hopefully he won't be so irritable - if i didn;t have a job I would go crazy too.

Please don't take this the wrong way but in this economic climate maybe be thankful that you have a job even if you are doing extra work - there are a lot of people being laid off now. I am not trying to dismiss your stressful feelings just maybe give you another way to look at it - I hope that your situation improves especially once your husband starts bringing in money he will be happier and hopefully be a better husband emotionally.

[Nutty 2]

Emotional Card is over

I agree with Kat. When I pull the emotional card my husband shuts down instantly. When I discuss and talk through things with him it works much better.

I am finished being emotional. But his lack of empathy has resulted in my alienation. Strangely, I am not grieving over the idea of moving on. I am 43, goodlooking and know when to cut my losses. I've been through one marriage before and hung on much longer than I should have. I know now when to cut my losses.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

You need to tell him the truth about money. You need to explain to him exactly what is happening. Do not expect him to understand wihtout explaining everything. Show him bills . Get out a calculator. I think sometimes some of these guys think we are rich or will pull money out of rear ends.ITS NOT YOU.. Trust me

i agree. a lot of our guys come from places where not only are things not as expensive, but bills are just paid differently. electric bills are paid only every couple of months; rent just changes hands in cash; telephones are pay as you go. i am slowly, but surely coaching my husband on the costs of things here and how to budget. it's not easy to say the least. and the weight of having to be financially responsible for another person can be very stressful.

Glad you are trying to take care of yourself though... if staying with your mom on the weekend takes the pressure off for a couple of hours, more power to you.

The main problem is that amidst all the stress and responsibility, my husband is not the "soft shoulder to lean on when times are tough." He is self absorbed, oblivious, aloof...

He said to me, "In Iran, people do and don't ask for help." Or - "be like me, I am happy and calm in any situation."

It's over.

Thats cause hes not paying the FREAKING BILLS. You need to tell him give me 50 percent of your paycheck for bills and I will be calm and happy in every situation. Once the cash starts stroking out of his paycheck, you will know WHO YOUR DADDY IS.. DADDY is paying the bills. NO BOOTY, no boobs , no kisses and ride the couch till he figures out he is an ###.. Works for lots of women. Try it..love ya girl

[Nutty 2]

{{{NUTTY}}}

I'm sorry you are going thru this. Some of the hardest things in life....stress at work, stress at home and new adjustments. I'm not sure what to say other than give it time and be open tell him how you feel.

I know how hard the adjustment can be for our hubbies when they come. Sometimes it changes their personalities...not being the "man" without work, us having the upper hand when it comes to "our" country etc. So many things...so little time.

Sending good vibes your way...and praying all will be okay for you guys. Sometimes a little time away helps and of course talking things out!!

I am finished "telling him how I feel." He doesn't respond or change his behavior.

However, after my nervous breakdown after almost quitting my job, I went to my mothers. I decided that HE DOESN'T CHANGE HIS ATTITUDE about being more loving and supportive, then I will leave for India in January (for 6 months). He treats me like a stranger, so he can do without me.

What is strange, is that he can not "connect" even with the Iranians here. Only those he grew up with or those in Iran. So something is clearly wrong with his mentality.

What is pathetic is that I got more love and support from the gay Fedex guy who brought the roses. I should've married a gay guy!

Oh and PS.. Not like I am an expert or anything. I cant even handle my own life. Its just a suggestion. Mine plays stupid when it comes to EVERY BILL but that could be because he has only had one paycheck and complained and whined about that one being spent. Never the mind about the baby's funeral, his plane tickets, his immigration fees , the lights , the mortgage.. um.. food being eaten as he refused to work for 3 months and did nothing but complain

Ok I am sorry. This is about you. Lets just act like we are in AA or overeaters anonymous.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE, LOL LOL and double lol.. although honestly I feel like #### right now , sorry

Our situations are different. You went through a much more traumatic experience. My husband has never spit in my face or said, "I divorce you" three times....

So while my husband hasn't been a total cad, he still comes up miserably short in "demonstrative love, affection and empathy." And that is something I just need in a marriage.

You need to tell him the truth about money. You need to explain to him exactly what is happening. Do not expect him to understand wihtout explaining everything. Show him bills . Get out a calculator. I think sometimes some of these guys think we are rich or will pull money out of rear ends.ITS NOT YOU.. Trust me

i agree. a lot of our guys come from places where not only are things not as expensive, but bills are just paid differently. electric bills are paid only every couple of months; rent just changes hands in cash; telephones are pay as you go. i am slowly, but surely coaching my husband on the costs of things here and how to budget. it's not easy to say the least. and the weight of having to be financially responsible for another person can be very stressful.

Glad you are trying to take care of yourself though... if staying with your mom on the weekend takes the pressure off for a couple of hours, more power to you.

The main problem is that amidst all the stress and responsibility, my husband is not the "soft shoulder to lean on when times are tough." He is self absorbed, oblivious, aloof...

He said to me, "In Iran, people do and don't ask for help." Or - "be like me, I am happy and calm in any situation."

It's over.

Thats cause hes not paying the FREAKING BILLS. You need to tell him give me 50 percent of your paycheck for bills and I will be calm and happy in every situation. Once the cash starts stroking out of his paycheck, you will know WHO YOUR DADDY IS.. DADDY is paying the bills. NO BOOTY, no boobs , no kisses and ride the couch till he figures out he is an ###.. Works for lots of women. Try it..love ya girl

Believe me, Saturday we are going down to the bank to open a joint account for paying bills/food. Otherwise, he will be on his own in that apartment and I'll be in India.

He is bringing in the money now. It is 2 weeks since he started working. he knows more about chemical cargo inspection than his bosses.

Tina,

I am sorry you are going through all of this, please hang in there and I agree with Kat that anyone marrying a guy from MENA or a developing country in general needs to really be explicit about money, bills, etc. - you need to tell him exactly how much goes where each month. I have told my husband everything but don't think it will really hit home until he gets here. Your husband might also be going through homesickness now that the novelty of being in America has worn off. I am happy he did find a job and has a car to use so now hopefully he won't be so irritable - if i didn;t have a job I would go crazy too.

Please don't take this the wrong way but in this economic climate maybe be thankful that you have a job even if you are doing extra work - there are a lot of people being laid off now. I am not trying to dismiss your stressful feelings just maybe give you another way to look at it - I hope that your situation improves especially once your husband starts bringing in money he will be happier and hopefully be a better husband emotionally.

[morocco4ever 63]

Emotional Card is over

I agree with Kat. When I pull the emotional card my husband shuts down instantly. When I discuss and talk through things with him it works much better.

I am finished being emotional. But his lack of empathy has resulted in my alienation. Strangely, I am not grieving over the idea of moving on. I am 43, goodlooking and know when to cut my losses. I've been through one marriage before and hung on much longer than I should have. I know now when to cut my losses.

No one really knows for sure when it is time to cut the losses but the person going through the situation. But something insides me tells me that he is holding something in. Of course I don't know you or your husband, but perhaps he needs to work out his own emotions. I hope for his sake that if this is correct that he hasn't totally lost you.

Take care.

[tom&tata 2]

Could it be just his personality influenced by the culture? I am Indonesian & my sister just had rough times at work a few months ago. She was venting at home - to her husband (who else). Her husband said "If it is so bad, why don't you just quit". I think it took all of her not to scream at him & smacked him

It is just his personality. Other times when my sister was stressing out about something, his comment is sometimes comes out as non-supportive. He is most of the time very much like your husband - calm & controlled. Until recently it was his turn to stress out at work 2 weeks ago.

Other than that, he is a great guy.

[SaadBell 0]

I thought I would add my two cents, I have the feeling maybe it is his personality. Was he different, and then changed? Some men just don’t display emotions, period, not that it is a good thing, and just how they are wired and raised. Not asking you what happened at work is truly a little strange, not sure on that one. Have you thought of seeing someone, both of you together, sometimes that can clear things up a little? I understand the stress you feel, I was thinking today I am going to list all the bad things that happen to me daily,and had to stop myself before it got out of hand. I am glad he got a job, does he enjoy it? I wish you the best, and only you know what you can or can’t handle. Let us know how it goes, you don’t have to do this alone, you have friends here that you can vent to, use us.

[Imua 0]

I thought I would add my two cents, I have the feeling maybe it is his personality. Was he different, and then changed? Some men just don’t display emotions, period, not that it is a good thing, and just how they are wired and raised. Not asking you what happened at work is truly a little strange, not sure on that one. Have you thought of seeing someone, both of you together, sometimes that can clear things up a little? I understand the stress you feel, I was thinking today I am going to list all the bad things that happen to me daily,and had to stop myself before it got out of hand. I am glad he got a job, does he enjoy it? I wish you the best, and only you know what you can or can’t handle. Let us know how it goes, you don’t have to do this alone, you have friends here that you can vent to, use us.

I agree and culture is definitely a part of it - in many cultures especially for males if you show too much emotion then you are 'losing face' - my hubby is like this for example, when things are not going his way he doesn't lose it, keeps 'control' as he says... One way I know that he really loves me is that he was crying on the day I left at the airport - a Nepali man never cries in public unless he is really, really sad. It has been an adjustment for me to understand how he expresses emotion is different than I am used to, it doesn;t mean he doesn't love me, just how he was brought up. Of course, Tina, if your husband was not always this way but has recently started not being there for you emotionally then it is a different matter, you know him better than me or anyone else here. I agree if there is some counselor you could talk to, if he would agree to it then that would be good - sounds like he won't even admit there is a problem though.

GG - instead of listing all the bad things instead count your blessings - there is always. always someone who's situation is worse than yours. I have been stressed out lately about the possibility of G's visa being denied, getting everything ready for NVC. trying to save money for our tickets and for the IV bill, and on top of that my vision is horrible - I see with only one eye to begin with and my good eye has a bad cataract - I need surgery soon and there is the possibility, even though it is a tiny one, that I may lose my sight and I have been driving myself crazy over that, thinking there is a chance that I MAY LITERALLY NEVER SEE MY HUSBAND'S FACE AGAIN... Still I then thought about poor people in countries who do not have access to good medical care, thank God I have insurance so I will at least not have to pay for the surgery, a lot of people would just end up being blinded by cataracts and most likely my vision will be much better than even before the cataract developed, so I am grateful for that and don't let myself get too depressed.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

{{{NUTTY}}}

I'm sorry you are going thru this. Some of the hardest things in life....stress at work, stress at home and new adjustments. I'm not sure what to say other than give it time and be open tell him how you feel.

I know how hard the adjustment can be for our hubbies when they come. Sometimes it changes their personalities...not being the "man" without work, us having the upper hand when it comes to "our" country etc. So many things...so little time.

Sending good vibes your way...and praying all will be okay for you guys. Sometimes a little time away helps and of course talking things out!!

I am finished "telling him how I feel." He doesn't respond or change his behavior.

However, after my nervous breakdown after almost quitting my job, I went to my mothers. I decided that HE DOESN'T CHANGE HIS ATTITUDE about being more loving and supportive, then I will leave for India in January (for 6 months). He treats me like a stranger, so he can do without me.

What is strange, is that he can not "connect" even with the Iranians here. Only those he grew up with or those in Iran. So something is clearly wrong with his mentality.

What is pathetic is that I got more love and support from the gay Fedex guy who brought the roses. I should've married a gay guy!

Oh and PS.. Not like I am an expert or anything. I cant even handle my own life. Its just a suggestion. Mine plays stupid when it comes to EVERY BILL but that could be because he has only had one paycheck and complained and whined about that one being spent. Never the mind about the baby's funeral, his plane tickets, his immigration fees , the lights , the mortgage.. um.. food being eaten as he refused to work for 3 months and did nothing but complain

Ok I am sorry. This is about you. Lets just act like we are in AA or overeaters anonymous.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE, LOL LOL and double lol.. although honestly I feel like #### right now , sorry

Our situations are different. You went through a much more traumatic experience. My husband has never spit in my face or said, "I divorce you" three times....

So while my husband hasn't been a total cad, he still comes up miserably short in "demonstrative love, affection and empathy." And that is something I just need in a marriage.

You need to tell him the truth about money. You need to explain to him exactly what is happening. Do not expect him to understand wihtout explaining everything. Show him bills . Get out a calculator. I think sometimes some of these guys think we are rich or will pull money out of rear ends.ITS NOT YOU.. Trust me

i agree. a lot of our guys come from places where not only are things not as expensive, but bills are just paid differently. electric bills are paid only every couple of months; rent just changes hands in cash; telephones are pay as you go. i am slowly, but surely coaching my husband on the costs of things here and how to budget. it's not easy to say the least. and the weight of having to be financially responsible for another person can be very stressful.

Glad you are trying to take care of yourself though... if staying with your mom on the weekend takes the pressure off for a couple of hours, more power to you.

The main problem is that amidst all the stress and responsibility, my husband is not the "soft shoulder to lean on when times are tough." He is self absorbed, oblivious, aloof...

He said to me, "In Iran, people do and don't ask for help." Or - "be like me, I am happy and calm in any situation."

It's over.

Thats cause hes not paying the FREAKING BILLS. You need to tell him give me 50 percent of your paycheck for bills and I will be calm and happy in every situation. Once the cash starts stroking out of his paycheck, you will know WHO YOUR DADDY IS.. DADDY is paying the bills. NO BOOTY, no boobs , no kisses and ride the couch till he figures out he is an ###.. Works for lots of women. Try it..love ya girl

Believe me, Saturday we are going down to the bank to open a joint account for paying bills/food. Otherwise, he will be on his own in that apartment and I'll be in India.

He is bringing in the money now. It is 2 weeks since he started working. he knows more about chemical cargo inspection than his bosses.

Tina,

I am sorry you are going through all of this, please hang in there and I agree with Kat that anyone marrying a guy from MENA or a developing country in general needs to really be explicit about money, bills, etc. - you need to tell him exactly how much goes where each month. I have told my husband everything but don't think it will really hit home until he gets here. Your husband might also be going through homesickness now that the novelty of being in America has worn off. I am happy he did find a job and has a car to use so now hopefully he won't be so irritable - if i didn;t have a job I would go crazy too.

Please don't take this the wrong way but in this economic climate maybe be thankful that you have a job even if you are doing extra work - there are a lot of people being laid off now. I am not trying to dismiss your stressful feelings just maybe give you another way to look at it - I hope that your situation improves especially once your husband starts bringing in money he will be happier and hopefully be a better husband emotionally.

Well if he is not so bad and he isn't a total cad, don't complain about him. Have you thought that maybe he is deeply pissed at you in one way or another and is not telling you? Maybe he is trying to stick by his decision and make it in this country and isnt happy with you right now and is trying to get through this time the best he can? I wonder what these guys REALLY think besides what they are telling us. I am sure beyond sure that my husband has deep emotional problems that are beyond the scope of what I can handle and stress and then the death of my baby caused him to have some kind of a break. I have really withdrawn and since the maid has been out of the house and since I have stopped talking to him very much and have been very quiet, he has been very quiet himself. When I realised that his issues werent my issues I was able to come to peace with what he did and let him go. In your situation , you are demanding western style compassion and behavior from someone who either doesnt want to give it to you or CANT give it to you. He may only know HIS way of dealing with you. You indeed may be high strung and demanding due to financial stress and your inability to affectively communicate with him. You say you are still young and can get someone else and this and that. Have you thought that maybe YOU are not in complete control due to your inability to communicate your needs to him and wants? Our first reactions are to lash out but have you thought of taking a different road and trying to really understand without being pissed off that maybe HE is unhappy with you in some way or another or feels let down by your relationship and his indifference is just his way of coping with his disappointment in you? These guys dont turn off emotions cause they are happy . They do it cause they are sad. Mine for whatever reason. Yours for another and other guys for another. I have just decided that sometimes YOU CANT make people happy from a completely different culture UNLESS they decide to be happy. You cant make him love you more by posturing, tantruming and running to your moms house. Try a different approach. Cook some food for his country, talk out your frustrations with someone else and talk BILLS with him and give him tangible ideas of whats upsetting you WITHOUT the running to moms. For gods sake, its not all him. Its you too.... But he is a HELL OF A LOT MORE WRONG THAN YOU. But you have to decide if you want to live in a third world relationship. If he wants to make it 1st world. he wont do it if you terrorise him by going to moms. Just talk numbers and facts and bills.

The "cad" I live with verbalised his unhappiness. Yours isnt. Hes being passive agressive because hes unhappy about something. Find out what it is and then you can solve your problems

LOVE YOU

kat

[AlHayatZween 2]

N,

Was he always a little emotionally distant, or is this a complete turnaround since he moved here?

hz

[chri'stina 190]

N,

Was he always a little emotionally distant, or is this a complete turnaround since he moved here?

hz

Good question...

I am sorry you are going through this.

I don't really agree with the advice that if he isn't so bad not to complain about him. Women should not be tolerating crappy behavior from men. We shouldn't just accept certain behaviors because they aren't as bad as some other's.

I don't take things like divorce or separation lightly at all, and would encourage couples to try to work through everything they can before taking such steps. It takes both sides willing to work through it. If one side is absolutely unwilling, that is sad. But in some cases it seems like people take a long time to realize they are being treated horribly, even sometimes before their SO even got here or before getting married, but thought somehow it'll be ok. If anything, marriage will strain people even more, added to adjusting to a new country, and if there was serious friction before hand it seems like it would only get worse, not better, after marriage. So I think people need to scrutinize things a lot before getting married in the first place like behaviors of the other person. Everyone gets grumpy sometimes, but I mean deeper issues.

I think it's good that you(Nutty) are trying to be realistic about this. I hope things will work out for you!!

This is a little OT but...

As for complaining about SO's on VJ I have my own opinion about that since it's a public site and anyone including the husbands can see it if they wanted to. As long as people are prepared that their SO could read it one day, then fine. I don't think it's a good idea personally, and if your husbands don't know how to get online and find this place, then I think it's wrong also to secretly talk bad about them here. Be prepared if they find your posts eventually. It's happened so many times, I am not talking just MENA but all over VJ. I would be so ticked and hurt if I found a website where Sujeet was complaining about me to a bunch of people I didn't know. What if your SO's are complaining about you on a site they do know of? Would that be ok with you? I think there is a difference between seeking support and outright talking bad about the SO here.

I also don't like how some seem to talk of their husbands as little kids. My husband is very good at financial issues and has helped me to be a better saver and budget person. He moved here from India, but I didn't have to teach him how to deal with money in general. I guess it's just a different situation but not every man from the ME or Asia (like India) has no idea about being responsible in finances. My husband was not rich in India, but he knew how to budget and how important every dollar(or rupee over there) is. Those things need to be seriously talked about before they arrive IMO so that you don't feel like you are dealing with a child when it comes to money over here. I just wanted to say not every man is the same from regions that are talked about. I don't understand what is going on when I read so many things about teaching the husband like they are children instead of grown responsible men.

[Nutty 2]

He was always a little reserved and cerebral.

Here are the differences in our lives:

Before I was not working, much more care-free since and happy. Now I am working, stresssed and overwhelmed.

Before he was reserved, cerebral and but also more affectionate.

What has changed is that he sees the worse side of me at times when I "lose it", become "upset"...Well, of course I have a completely different life now and carry the bulk of responsibility. For me AND HIM.

In Iran, he could always fall back on his family for support (something I don't have). Who cooked dinner and cleaned, his mom. When I needed to extend my visa, who took me to the police, his brother. When I needed to find a shop for something special, who took me there, his sister. I never had the issues of looking for work, getting bank accounts, driver's license in Iran, since I was there temporarily.

Well, in USA, when he needs the same attention, I can't pull in "the reserves" like he did. It all comes down to ME. And there is a lot more involved since he is planning to live here and is not just visiting.

What bothers me so is it is obvious how I struggle and how this pressure affects me. But he does not acknowledge it. When I was crying about the day I almost quit my job, he never hugged me or asked what was wrong.

Over the next two months I am going to shift the responsibility over to him. Open a joint account for household expenses. Every time we go food shopping, drag him along. Every time a bill needs to be paid, make him write the check.

Maybe then he will see what it all really about.

[Jenn! 918]

Before I was not working, much more care-free since and happy. Now I am working, stresssed and overwhelmed.

Sorry about your situation, Nutty. I don't really have any good advice for you, but I think so often this is a big part of the problem (from what I've read on VJ at least). I think it's so crucial to see how one's SO handles "real life" and consider how the dynamic may change when the relationship goes from an LDR where time spent together is in more of a vacation-like atmosphere to post-marriage when spending time together in a more realistic situation. I don't know if this applies to your situation or not, and moreover, it's too late now anyway.

Again, hope everything works out.

[Nutty 2]

N,

Was he always a little emotionally distant, or is this a complete turnaround since he moved here?

hz

Good question...

I am sorry you are going through this.

I don't really agree with the advice that if he isn't so bad not to complain about him. Women should not be tolerating crappy behavior from men. We shouldn't just accept certain behaviors because they aren't as bad as some other's.

I don't take things like divorce or separation lightly at all, and would encourage couples to try to work through everything they can before taking such steps. It takes both sides willing to work through it. If one side is absolutely unwilling, that is sad. But in some cases it seems like people take a long time to realize they are being treated horribly, even sometimes before their SO even got here or before getting married, but thought somehow it'll be ok. If anything, marriage will strain people even more, added to adjusting to a new country, and if there was serious friction before hand it seems like it would only get worse, not better, after marriage. So I think people need to scrutinize things a lot before getting married in the first place like behaviors of the other person. Everyone gets grumpy sometimes, but I mean deeper issues.

I think it's good that you(Nutty) are trying to be realistic about this. I hope things will work out for you!!

This is a little OT but...

As for complaining about SO's on VJ I have my own opinion about that since it's a public site and anyone including the husbands can see it if they wanted to. As long as people are prepared that their SO could read it one day, then fine. I don't think it's a good idea personally, and if your husbands don't know how to get online and find this place, then I think it's wrong also to secretly talk bad about them here. Be prepared if they find your posts eventually. It's happened so many times, I am not talking just MENA but all over VJ. I would be so ticked and hurt if I found a website where Sujeet was complaining about me to a bunch of people I didn't know. What if your SO's are complaining about you on a site they do know of? Would that be ok with you? I think there is a difference between seeking support and outright talking bad about the SO here.

I also don't like how some seem to talk of their husbands as little kids. My husband is very good at financial issues and has helped me to be a better saver and budget person. He moved here from India, but I didn't have to teach him how to deal with money in general. I guess it's just a different situation but not every man from the ME or Asia (like India) has no idea about being responsible in finances. My husband was not rich in India, but he knew how to budget and how important every dollar(or rupee over there) is. Those things need to be seriously talked about before they arrive IMO so that you don't feel like you are dealing with a child when it comes to money over here. I just wanted to say not every man is the same from regions that are talked about. I don't understand what is going on when I read so many things about teaching the husband like they are children instead of grown responsible men.

To address your points:

I don't take divorce lightly. I did ask my husband about marriage counseling and he refused. I even had my primary care physician write a prescription note saying, "marriage counseling is needed because wife is having stress related health problems." (I have been suffering GERD, chest pains and have a genetic heart defect).

My husband has not abused me mentally or physically. But his remoteness is a form of EMOTIONAL STARVATION.

(what is a marriage is you can't get love and support from your partner????)

As for saying things on a public board and worrying my spouse will see it. At this point, I don't care. It might be a wake up call for him. My mother is the only one who sees how badly this is affecting me. Last Friday, after I got no support from my husband about my work situation, I spent the night at my mothers place. Seeing her break down in tears at seeing my situation and how badly I feel, I realized how it affects her. So I would I am more comfortable to share my feelings here, with other woman who are in cross cultural marriages and may have some insight.

As for money, my husband is verrrrrryyyy good with money. Never said he wasn't. But seeing the cost of things here and his desire to have a car, he is becoming miserly. I don't make much money. But I have savings and don't owe any money. And yet, I could still on occasion take my husband and I out for lunch or a burger (1 or 2 times a month). He has not reciprocated this gesture.

In many ways, he does not reciprocate. I ask, "how was you day? Did you have a hard day?" He answers. But he never asks, "how is your day" to me.

He is the center of his own universe.

[Nutty 2]

{{{NUTTY}}}

I'm sorry you are going thru this. Some of the hardest things in life....stress at work, stress at home and new adjustments. I'm not sure what to say other than give it time and be open tell him how you feel.

I know how hard the adjustment can be for our hubbies when they come. Sometimes it changes their personalities...not being the "man" without work, us having the upper hand when it comes to "our" country etc. So many things...so little time.

Sending good vibes your way...and praying all will be okay for you guys. Sometimes a little time away helps and of course talking things out!!

I am finished "telling him how I feel." He doesn't respond or change his behavior.

However, after my nervous breakdown after almost quitting my job, I went to my mothers. I decided that HE DOESN'T CHANGE HIS ATTITUDE about being more loving and supportive, then I will leave for India in January (for 6 months). He treats me like a stranger, so he can do without me.

What is strange, is that he can not "connect" even with the Iranians here. Only those he grew up with or those in Iran. So something is clearly wrong with his mentality.

What is pathetic is that I got more love and support from the gay Fedex guy who brought the roses. I should've married a gay guy!

Oh and PS.. Not like I am an expert or anything. I cant even handle my own life. Its just a suggestion. Mine plays stupid when it comes to EVERY BILL but that could be because he has only had one paycheck and complained and whined about that one being spent. Never the mind about the baby's funeral, his plane tickets, his immigration fees , the lights , the mortgage.. um.. food being eaten as he refused to work for 3 months and did nothing but complain

Ok I am sorry. This is about you. Lets just act like we are in AA or overeaters anonymous.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE, LOL LOL and double lol.. although honestly I feel like #### right now , sorry

Our situations are different. You went through a much more traumatic experience. My husband has never spit in my face or said, "I divorce you" three times....

So while my husband hasn't been a total cad, he still comes up miserably short in "demonstrative love, affection and empathy." And that is something I just need in a marriage.

You need to tell him the truth about money. You need to explain to him exactly what is happening. Do not expect him to understand wihtout explaining everything. Show him bills . Get out a calculator. I think sometimes some of these guys think we are rich or will pull money out of rear ends.ITS NOT YOU.. Trust me

i agree. a lot of our guys come from places where not only are things not as expensive, but bills are just paid differently. electric bills are paid only every couple of months; rent just changes hands in cash; telephones are pay as you go. i am slowly, but surely coaching my husband on the costs of things here and how to budget. it's not easy to say the least. and the weight of having to be financially responsible for another person can be very stressful.

Glad you are trying to take care of yourself though... if staying with your mom on the weekend takes the pressure off for a couple of hours, more power to you.

The main problem is that amidst all the stress and responsibility, my husband is not the "soft shoulder to lean on when times are tough." He is self absorbed, oblivious, aloof...

He said to me, "In Iran, people do and don't ask for help." Or - "be like me, I am happy and calm in any situation."

It's over.

Thats cause hes not paying the FREAKING BILLS. You need to tell him give me 50 percent of your paycheck for bills and I will be calm and happy in every situation. Once the cash starts stroking out of his paycheck, you will know WHO YOUR DADDY IS.. DADDY is paying the bills. NO BOOTY, no boobs , no kisses and ride the couch till he figures out he is an ###.. Works for lots of women. Try it..love ya girl

Believe me, Saturday we are going down to the bank to open a joint account for paying bills/food. Otherwise, he will be on his own in that apartment and I'll be in India.

He is bringing in the money now. It is 2 weeks since he started working. he knows more about chemical cargo inspection than his bosses.

Tina,

I am sorry you are going through all of this, please hang in there and I agree with Kat that anyone marrying a guy from MENA or a developing country in general needs to really be explicit about money, bills, etc. - you need to tell him exactly how much goes where each month. I have told my husband everything but don't think it will really hit home until he gets here. Your husband might also be going through homesickness now that the novelty of being in America has worn off. I am happy he did find a job and has a car to use so now hopefully he won't be so irritable - if i didn;t have a job I would go crazy too.

Please don't take this the wrong way but in this economic climate maybe be thankful that you have a job even if you are doing extra work - there are a lot of people being laid off now. I am not trying to dismiss your stressful feelings just maybe give you another way to look at it - I hope that your situation improves especially once your husband starts bringing in money he will be happier and hopefully be a better husband emotionally.

Well if he is not so bad and he isn't a total cad, don't complain about him. Have you thought that maybe he is deeply pissed at you in one way or another and is not telling you? Maybe he is trying to stick by his decision and make it in this country and isnt happy with you right now and is trying to get through this time the best he can? I wonder what these guys REALLY think besides what they are telling us. I am sure beyond sure that my husband has deep emotional problems that are beyond the scope of what I can handle and stress and then the death of my baby caused him to have some kind of a break. I have really withdrawn and since the maid has been out of the house and since I have stopped talking to him very much and have been very quiet, he has been very quiet himself. When I realised that his issues werent my issues I was able to come to peace with what he did and let him go. In your situation , you are demanding western style compassion and behavior from someone who either doesnt want to give it to you or CANT give it to you. He may only know HIS way of dealing with you. You indeed may be high strung and demanding due to financial stress and your inability to affectively communicate with him. You say you are still young and can get someone else and this and that. Have you thought that maybe YOU are not in complete control due to your inability to communicate your needs to him and wants? Our first reactions are to lash out but have you thought of taking a different road and trying to really understand without being pissed off that maybe HE is unhappy with you in some way or another or feels let down by your relationship and his indifference is just his way of coping with his disappointment in you? These guys dont turn off emotions cause they are happy . They do it cause they are sad. Mine for whatever reason. Yours for another and other guys for another. I have just decided that sometimes YOU CANT make people happy from a completely different culture UNLESS they decide to be happy. You cant make him love you more by posturing, tantruming and running to your moms house. Try a different approach. Cook some food for his country, talk out your frustrations with someone else and talk BILLS with him and give him tangible ideas of whats upsetting you WITHOUT the running to moms. For gods sake, its not all him. Its you too.... But he is a HELL OF A LOT MORE WRONG THAN YOU. But you have to decide if you want to live in a third world relationship. If he wants to make it 1st world. he wont do it if you terrorise him by going to moms. Just talk numbers and facts and bills.

The "cad" I live with verbalised his unhappiness. Yours isnt. Hes being passive agressive because hes unhappy about something. Find out what it is and then you can solve your problems

LOVE YOU

kat

Dear Kat:

Damn good synopsis! You're right about me being high strung and him the complete opposite. Initially that was the attraction between us. I motivated him to do daring things and be adventurous. He was always the voice of reason and practicality.

Thank you for your advice. Of course you are right. I would like to comment more, but I am at work and it is not good to spend this time on the computer.

I want to add that I know that my situation is not comparable to yours in the loss of your baby. Nothing can compare to the loss of a child.

I am happy that you are coming to terms with your husband and his problems and finding some quiet at least.

With luv,

Tinutty