How do YOU cope?

[SteveColo 0]

I know the hurt I feel is intensified because my wife just went back to Ukraine and the wound is still fresh from losing her by my side until this process is finished. Was feeling kind of ok today, then just going to the local grocery store (where we used to shop) this avalanche of pain and emotions just crushed me.

Then I think of the others here at VJ, who have been waiting for months and months ... and my heart sincerely goes out to you. To go through this kind of pain for so long has to effect you emotionally, physically and mentally.

I know that some of the pain might ease up a little as time goes by and 'regular' life, going to work, etc. goes on ...

But I was just wondering what advice or tips can some VJ members offer who had a long wait or are still going through the process ... How did/do you cope without being with your most precious one?

[brnidokiegurl 0]

not well today

[Shpat_Argjira 0]

I masturbate everyday.

[nimche 8]

Only thing will hold you up is thinking about your future.

About your future and your family.

To make sure to give them the best life as you can.

But today you make yourself ready for that day.

We are on training for our souls to have it ready for the day when its needed.

“What oxygen is to the lungs, such is hope to the meaning of life”

Keep up your spirit,

[dispozo 0]

Skype,SMS and email EVERYDAY!!!!

How can I be sad, when every time we talk, we laugh!!!!!

Good luck!!

[steve3402 0]

Steve,

Coping is very very difficult at times. There will be days when you will naturally be sad because the one you love is not by yourside. Be prepared for the small flare-ups that come with the distance of land between you. We cope by talking daily and chatting via webcam. We send each other letters of encouragement to keep our spirits high. We tell each other to be patient and humble with the understanding that things will come our way soon. We have come to understand that the distance is hard on both of us. We also understand the we have to be each others cheerleaders and boost one another spirits when need be. We stay busy, she with school me with work. It is hard as I have said but we love each other and this is path to our happiness. So hang in there because she needs you to be strong as you need her to strong. I hope this helps!!! God Bless!!!

[Peter&Jaime 1]

I work three jobs and am in graduate school working on getting my masters degree. This makes the time go by really fast and gives me extra money for those plane tickets Other then that my husband and I talk on the phone in the morning before I go to work and when I get home. We also email each other during the day. We rarely talk about the visa process which would just remind us how our hands are tied.

[Lindsay G 0]

My husband and I handle it in different ways. As others have offered, what keeps me stable is everyday, in almost everything I do, I envision us together. When I drive to work, I look at the neighborhoods, and envision us buying our first home together. Literally, I envision us getting the keys, decorating, relaxing. I envision us grocery shopping together, and I feel his arms around me when I watch a movie. When I'm sad, I close my eyes, and think about a perfect moment we'll have in the future. It's funny, but these thoughts are ALWAYS of ordinary, day-to-day things, that are taken for granted. My favorite, is envisioning us waking up on a Saturday, him dragging me out of bed (he's a disturbingly happy person in the morning- kinda irks me!), and drinking coffee together while we read the newspaper. It's almost as if in doing these things to help me smile, I'm inserting him into my daily life, and he feels closer to me. This time apart is #######, but we have so many wonderful, simple things to look forward to.

My husband, well that's a different story! He doesn't cope as well as I do. He becomes very sad, and it's difficult to cheer him up. And I think one of the main reasons why he is not coping as well as I is because he does not find it natural to envision our future time together. He lives in the here and now, and for him, he's consumed with grief because "I can't have you in my arms now". I think it's also perhaps a cultural thing for him, to live in the present. Every time we talk, (twice a day), I go through a future scenario, trying to instill more hope in him. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. What makes him feel better is me being present for him- affirmation of my present love, assurance.

I don't know if any of that was advice, but it's how my husband and I do it. It's pretty crummy, and I remember the first month or so I was away from him, I wrote a similar post that you just did. I asked if the pain was going to become easier. My experience, is Yes and No. Some days I'm ok- i'm content with talking and thinking about the future. Some days, I'm just plain not ok. But over the last 5 months since I've seen him, it hasn't gotton ridiculously worse. I get to see him in 5 weeks, and compared with the last 5 months since we've been apart, that seems totally manageable.

And while the time apart is really, really challenging, I truly believe that our relationship will be better for it. Time apart forces you to communicate on a different level; it forces you truly listen to each other, because unless you like to hang up on your spouse, you're forced to work through any conflict or misunderstanding in a direct way. Words become more important. And, I believe most importantly, time apart allows you to have the opportunity to not take for granted time spent together, even the small, seemingly mundane events. I want to strangle my brother sometimes when he gripes about his girlfriend or says, "we're doing nothing. I'm bored. Just watching a movie". I CAN'T WAIT to "just" watch a movie with Edi! So, the time apart can be viewed as a gift, I suppose (Even though the gift would happily be returned if given the opportunity!)

So, good luck with this journey you just started, and take the positives from it that you can, and do everything you can to not let the negative consume you.

lindsay

[Martiniolive 0]

I am not patient with these things but there isn nothing to do but be patient so it is HARD on me. The toughest time for me is after work hours until I meet my husband online each night. I look forward all day till that time. I am sure I have aged alot this year but I would be so much sadder without him so patient I must stay. I try to stay busy working 6 days a week and sunday seems soooooo long! Sleep as much as you are able to pass the time. Try to remember to eat nutritional food and not comfort food. Remember that where ever I am and whatever I do I am half of us and that comforts me. And as sappy as it seems....remember that somewhere in the world the air is touching you both at the same time and breathe

[S and S 12]

I think of my husband all the time, every day and he is the same way. Like Lindsay said, we both dream of our future together and talk about it a lot. We have days where we get really depressed. We also worry because my husband is a refugee and Jordan can kick him out at any time sending him back to Iraq where he will be killed (he recieved death threats before he left). Sometimes when I can't reach him on the phone or internet I go so worried I go out of my mind. Mostly, though, I pray and try to think positive. I try to think of ways to prepare for when he comes. Each day we know each other a little better from all the emails, IMs, and phone calls. It helps us to know what to expect from each other. I have only been able to see him once since we got married so it really has been hard after all this time and not knowing when he will come. I just do my best to keep positive. Nothing else I can do.

[Lindsay G 0]

I am not patient with these things but there isn nothing to do but be patient so it is HARD on me. The toughest time for me is after work hours until I meet my husband online each night. I look forward all day till that time. I am sure I have aged alot this year but I would be so much sadder without him so patient I must stay. I try to stay busy working 6 days a week and sunday seems soooooo long! Sleep as much as you are able to pass the time. Try to remember to eat nutritional food and not comfort food. Remember that where ever I am and whatever I do I am half of us and that comforts me. And as sappy as it seems....remember that somewhere in the world the air is touching you both at the same time and breathe

"We might cry today, but we'll smile tomorrow"- Edi (husband)

I wish I could see him everyday on the computer (so does my bank account! I'm spending sooo much money on twice daily phone calls, and it's not feasible for him to call me, as it costs about $3/minute for him to call me!). We do get to see each other on Saturdays and Sundays, when I kill him at tic-tac-toe

[playnice 0]

My husband and I handle it in different ways. As others have offered, what keeps me stable is everyday, in almost everything I do, I envision us together. When I drive to work, I look at the neighborhoods, and envision us buying our first home together. Literally, I envision us getting the keys, decorating, relaxing. I envision us grocery shopping together, and I feel his arms around me when I watch a movie. When I'm sad, I close my eyes, and think about a perfect moment we'll have in the future. It's funny, but these thoughts are ALWAYS of ordinary, day-to-day things, that are taken for granted. My favorite, is envisioning us waking up on a Saturday, him dragging me out of bed (he's a disturbingly happy person in the morning- kinda irks me!), and drinking coffee together while we read the newspaper. It's almost as if in doing these things to help me smile, I'm inserting him into my daily life, and he feels closer to me. This time apart is #######, but we have so many wonderful, simple things to look forward to.

My husband, well that's a different story! He doesn't cope as well as I do. He becomes very sad, and it's difficult to cheer him up. And I think one of the main reasons why he is not coping as well as I is because he does not find it natural to envision our future time together. He lives in the here and now, and for him, he's consumed with grief because "I can't have you in my arms now". I think it's also perhaps a cultural thing for him, to live in the present. Every time we talk, (twice a day), I go through a future scenario, trying to instill more hope in him. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. What makes him feel better is me being present for him- affirmation of my present love, assurance.

I don't know if any of that was advice, but it's how my husband and I do it. It's pretty crummy, and I remember the first month or so I was away from him, I wrote a similar post that you just did. I asked if the pain was going to become easier. My experience, is Yes and No. Some days I'm ok- i'm content with talking and thinking about the future. Some days, I'm just plain not ok. But over the last 5 months since I've seen him, it hasn't gotton ridiculously worse. I get to see him in 5 weeks, and compared with the last 5 months since we've been apart, that seems totally manageable.

And while the time apart is really, really challenging, I truly believe that our relationship will be better for it. Time apart forces you to communicate on a different level; it forces you truly listen to each other, because unless you like to hang up on your spouse, you're forced to work through any conflict or misunderstanding in a direct way. Words become more important. And, I believe most importantly, time apart allows you to have the opportunity to not take for granted time spent together, even the small, seemingly mundane events. I want to strangle my brother sometimes when he gripes about his girlfriend or says, "we're doing nothing. I'm bored. Just watching a movie". I CAN'T WAIT to "just" watch a movie with Edi! So, the time apart can be viewed as a gift, I suppose (Even though the gift would happily be returned if given the opportunity!)

So, good luck with this journey you just started, and take the positives from it that you can, and do everything you can to not let the negative consume you.

lindsay

everyone has their way to cope...staying in touch anyway possible is the only thing that keeps ya sane with this wait and a lot of prayers....i really dont think it will ever get easy.....you just tolerate it.....cuz there is nothing else you can do........

[sasha414 0]

I masturbate everyday.

go Shpat !!!

[sasha414 0]

the worst times are at uscis, when you dont have a definite day or month of getting approved. but once youre with NVC, things go fast and you kinda get busy. i believe we get used to the loneliness a few months later.

[sgr 0]

I masturbate everyday.

go Shpat !!!

go shpat go ...........but never break it