Custody

[PortlandAngel 0]

Hey Ladies,

I need some help. My SO has a daughter, she is 5 months old and he wants to get custody. However, his only reason for wanting custody is because of where the mother lives. They live in the heart of downtown kingston and he will only go there in the day time to visit or pick her up because it's an area prone to violence. He called me today wanting to go to family court, I bascially told him he was fighting a losing battle. She is not a bad mother, the last time I was there and we have the baby for a few days she looks like she takes very good care of her right now.

He ask her if she would give him custody to bring the baby her she said maybe when she is 4. We did however, put her name on the K1 application, the mother currently does not work. Since the baby was born he has been finacially responsible for her 100%.

I try to be as supportive as possible, even though I am not a mother I try to have him see it from her point of view. I tell him to reason with her logically and do what's best for the baby. If he leaves Jamaica right now she would have to quit school to take care of the baby until he starts working.

He wants to bring the baby with him in February (we hope he has visa by then). Right now with my job situation being not so stable, the price of day care and all I think we should wait until maybe the summer time since we do have a year. I also told him we would have to move out of NYC finding a decent place in nyc where you feel children would be safe cost an arm an a leg. I partially feel reponsible for the situation because we were talking before the girl got pregnant, however, when he askend me if I wanted something more serious I told him no we should just be friends because I did not want to a long distant relationship, did not think we would be where we are today.

He normally doesn't get stress about anything, but this is all happening sooner than we expected. I know he will not be settled unless he know his daughter is safe. Long story short, I don't know what else to tell him. He went from working 5.5 days a week to 7 days, he want to save a much as possible so she will be fed while he is gone. These are some of the qualities a love about him, but he is stress and I feel helpless, any advice?

[*JG* 2]

I do not think the family courts will give him custody unless she is proven to be an unfit mother. I think that is a losing battle.

Is he on the birth certificate? You may want to have him go get a DNA and prove he's the father before he ever leaves the island. It is going to be necessary in anything done in the future with regards to the child.

I don't mean to be rude here; but how will you feel raising that baby? I know you want to make him happy and all that; but raising a newborn of another woman is not going to be easy on you. Are you sure you want to take that on at all? This is the time to speak up if in doubt.

Keeping the child safe and daycare are big issues, as well as how are you going to pay for everything while he is not able to work and/or looking for work. This can take longer then anticipated.

IMO, I would wait till he is settled into a job and his life before I brought the child over, if the mother even agrees to that.

[Tosh Love 77]

I do not think the family courts will give him custody unless she is proven to be an unfit mother. I think that is a losing battle.

Is he on the birth certificate? You may want to have him go get a DNA and prove he's the father before he ever leaves the island. It is going to be necessary in anything done in the future with regards to the child.

I don't mean to be rude here; but how will you feel raising that baby? I know you want to make him happy and all that; but raising a newborn of another woman is not going to be easy on you. Are you sure you want to take that on at all? This is the time to speak up if in doubt.

Keeping the child safe and daycare are big issues, as well as how are you going to pay for everything while he is not able to work and/or looking for work. This can take longer then anticipated.

IMO, I would wait till he is settled into a job and his life before I brought the child over, if the mother even agrees to that.

Hi Angel,

This is a tough one. All I can say is that whatever decision you guys make will not be an easy one. The best thing to remember is what will the child think ten/fifteen years from now. If you uproot her from her homeland and bring her here for a better financial opportunity--She might resent you and her father for her missing out on living with her mother, regardless on what a great mother you might be. On the other hand, you can leave her where she is and keep in contact with her and provide financial assistance as much as you can until she can come visit and decide if she wants to live in the US with Dad or with Mom. I will vote for the former. I had a similar experience and have not forgiven my father yet. Pray on it and you will decide what is best for you and your SO. Good Luck!

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

Hey Ladies,

I need some help. My SO has a daughter, she is 5 months old and he wants to get custody. However, his only reason for wanting custody is because of where the mother lives. They live in the heart of downtown kingston and he will only go there in the day time to visit or pick her up because it's an area prone to violence. He called me today wanting to go to family court, I bascially told him he was fighting a losing battle. She is not a bad mother, the last time I was there and we have the baby for a few days she looks like she takes very good care of her right now.

He ask her if she would give him custody to bring the baby her she said maybe when she is 4. We did however, put her name on the K1 application, the mother currently does not work. Since the baby was born he has been finacially responsible for her 100%.

I try to be as supportive as possible, even though I am not a mother I try to have him see it from her point of view. I tell him to reason with her logically and do what's best for the baby. If he leaves Jamaica right now she would have to quit school to take care of the baby until he starts working.

He wants to bring the baby with him in February (we hope he has visa by then). Right now with my job situation being not so stable, the price of day care and all I think we should wait until maybe the summer time since we do have a year. I also told him we would have to move out of NYC finding a decent place in nyc where you feel children would be safe cost an arm an a leg. I partially feel reponsible for the situation because we were talking before the girl got pregnant, however, when he askend me if I wanted something more serious I told him no we should just be friends because I did not want to a long distant relationship, did not think we would be where we are today.

He normally doesn't get stress about anything, but this is all happening sooner than we expected. I know he will not be settled unless he know his daughter is safe. Long story short, I don't know what else to tell him. He went from working 5.5 days a week to 7 days, he want to save a much as possible so she will be fed while he is gone. These are some of the qualities a love about him, but he is stress and I feel helpless, any advice?

Angel,

Speaking from experiences in my family, he will be fighting a losing battle (unless she freely gives him custody)...that's just one part of the problem. The other she's five months old now and he want to bring her with him when he leaves for the states....ummmmm (think hard on that one). On the real, these are things you need to talk about more. As you said, things are not stable for you right now, the cost immigration is very EXPENSE (not the mention the other expenses) that comes along the way during the process. Please think all of this true, I know you want to do what's best for your SO and his daugther, but you also have to do what is best for you so you won't be overwhelmed.

[PortlandAngel 0]

I do not think the family courts will give him custody unless she is proven to be an unfit mother. I think that is a losing battle.

Is he on the birth certificate? You may want to have him go get a DNA and prove he's the father before he ever leaves the island. It is going to be necessary in anything done in the future with regards to the child.

I don't mean to be rude here; but how will you feel raising that baby? I know you want to make him happy and all that; but raising a newborn of another woman is not going to be easy on you. Are you sure you want to take that on at all? This is the time to speak up if in doubt.

Keeping the child safe and daycare are big issues, as well as how are you going to pay for everything while he is not able to work and/or looking for work. This can take longer then anticipated.

IMO, I would wait till he is settled into a job and his life before I brought the child over, if the mother even agrees to that.

After everything he told me about their relationship, I told him to get a DNA test once the baby was born. He still has not, everyone that has seen the baby said she looks like him personally I don't think she looks like him. When they do the medical will they do a DNA test? His name is on the birth certificate. In his heart he is convince she is his, I have told him that if I (not to be selfish) have to deal with all this baby-mama stuff I need to 100% convince she is his daughter.

I love kids, and I would not have a problem helping him raised her. But he doesn't understand fully the expense of kids here, neither one of us have family in NYC so there is no free baby sitting. She would need to be on my health insurance and all the other stuff. I think he is starting to understand, if her mother agrees to let him take her, I would lean more towards bringing her the closer to end of the time limit that we do have, just to get ourselves better organized.

[payxibka 10,045]

After everything he told me about their relationship, I told him to get a DNA test once the baby was born. He still has not, everyone that has seen the baby said she looks like him personally I don't think she looks like him. When they do the medical will they do a DNA test? His name is on the birth certificate. In his heart he is convince she is his, I have told him that if I (not to be selfish) have to deal with all this baby-mama stuff I need to 100% convince she is his daughter.

I love kids, and I would not have a problem helping him raised her. But he doesn't understand fully the expense of kids here, neither one of us have family in NYC so there is no free baby sitting. She would need to be on my health insurance and all the other stuff. I think he is starting to understand, if her mother agrees to let him take her, I would lean more towards bringing her the closer to end of the time limit that we do have, just to get ourselves better organized.

AFAIK, unless there is a question as to paternity there is typically no reason to do a DNA test....

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

After everything he told me about their relationship, I told him to get a DNA test once the baby was born. He still has not, everyone that has seen the baby said she looks like him personally I don't think she looks like him. When they do the medical will they do a DNA test? His name is on the birth certificate. In his heart he is convince she is his, I have told him that if I (not to be selfish) have to deal with all this baby-mama stuff I need to 100% convince she is his daughter.

I love kids, and I would not have a problem helping him raised her. But he doesn't understand fully the expense of kids here, neither one of us have family in NYC so there is no free baby sitting. She would need to be on my health insurance and all the other stuff. I think he is starting to understand, if her mother agrees to let him take her, I would lean more towards bringing her the closer to end of the time limit that we do have, just to get ourselves better organized.

AFAIK, unless there is a question as to paternity there is typically no reason to do a DNA test....

He doesn't have a choice if he plans to bring the child to the states. The embassy is going to require that he does one.

Angel,

At my interview there was a man and his son that sat next to us for about 2 hours and we spoke to them both on and off for a while. His son was about 9 years old. When they were called to the window the man was told that his son was not his, so he could not bring him to the states with him. At times, they won't say anything if the child's name was on the birth certificate from birth, but who knows. Hold your ground, that's my best advice.

[*JG* 2]

After everything he told me about their relationship, I told him to get a DNA test once the baby was born. He still has not, everyone that has seen the baby said she looks like him personally I don't think she looks like him. When they do the medical will they do a DNA test? His name is on the birth certificate. In his heart he is convince she is his, I have told him that if I (not to be selfish) have to deal with all this baby-mama stuff I need to 100% convince she is his daughter.

I love kids, and I would not have a problem helping him raised her. But he doesn't understand fully the expense of kids here, neither one of us have family in NYC so there is no free baby sitting. She would need to be on my health insurance and all the other stuff. I think he is starting to understand, if her mother agrees to let him take her, I would lean more towards bringing her the closer to end of the time limit that we do have, just to get ourselves better organized.

AFAIK, unless there is a question as to paternity there is typically no reason to do a DNA test....

Not true in Jamaica. If the parents are not married at the time of the birth, even if he is on the birth papers, he MUST get a DNA test for the embassy. We have seen it over and over and over again in Jamaica.

I think he needs to have it done now to help you figure out your future. It doesn't matter who she looks like, you need the proof.

Edited October 9, 2008 by Jomo's girl

[Marlita 0]

Wow! hard situation. I am not sure he will be able to get custody without the mother relinquishing it to him. The child is still an infant. If the mother is a good parent this is a hard one to fight. Is it best for him to pull the baby from its mother? Have you thought of the instant stress and strain of raising a toddler ontop of getting a new husband? I understand the moms need to want to wait til the baby is 4. If his only concern is where she lives, can he support the mother to move her to another area? If she just had this baby 5 months ago, I can only imagine how hard t would be for her to give her baby up. This is not a child but a small baby. I think he should pay her child support and get her to move to another area. Far cheaper than the expense of the baby in the US, plus the mother wont feel ripped off and your husband will feel comforted to know the baby is in a better place.

[PortlandAngel 0]

I do not think the family courts will give him custody unless she is proven to be an unfit mother. I think that is a losing battle.

Is he on the birth certificate? You may want to have him go get a DNA and prove he's the father before he ever leaves the island. It is going to be necessary in anything done in the future with regards to the child.

I don't mean to be rude here; but how will you feel raising that baby? I know you want to make him happy and all that; but raising a newborn of another woman is not going to be easy on you. Are you sure you want to take that on at all? This is the time to speak up if in doubt.

Keeping the child safe and daycare are big issues, as well as how are you going to pay for everything while he is not able to work and/or looking for work. This can take longer then anticipated.

IMO, I would wait till he is settled into a job and his life before I brought the child over, if the mother even agrees to that.

Hi Angel,

This is a tough one. All I can say is that whatever decision you guys make will not be an easy one. The best thing to remember is what will the child think ten/fifteen years from now. If you uproot her from her homeland and bring her here for a better financial opportunity--She might resent you and her father for her missing out on living with her mother, regardless on what a great mother you might be. On the other hand, you can leave her where she is and keep in contact with her and provide financial assistance as much as you can until she can come visit and decide if she wants to live in the US with Dad or with Mom. I will vote for the former. I had a similar experience and have not forgiven my father yet. Pray on it and you will decide what is best for you and your SO. Good Luck!

I never thought about it from this point of view, my mom left me with my grandmother when I was 10 months to come to the US, growing up it was hard not having my mother around but as I grew older I understood why she left, and we are very close now. But I will tell him this new prospective.

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

Angel,

You're not alone on that. My mom left us too when I was about a year and my brother was a few months old. It was not an easy decision for my mom, but she was given an opportunity to go to nursing school for free in the US. My grandmother also raise my brother and I. I too understood as I got older. My mom said it was the hardest thing she had to do, because we were so young...so, I can't see his daugther's mom letter her go so young. Break it down to your SO, tell him life in the US is not easy, it hard...same way, same so.

[sus 70]

If you search over on Negril.com, there is a series of posts by a poster named JANate - he has a child with a Jamaican woman, and has been a dutiful father, left the child with the mother, and done numerous visits - Due to recent situations, he has fought for custody and is hopefully soon bringing his son back to the US - But he quit his job, packed up, and has been in Negril for about 2 months now going through the fight -

[*JG* 2]

Angel,

You're not alone on that. My mom left us too when I was about a year and my brother was a few months old. It was not an easy decision for my mom, but she was given an opportunity to go to nursing school for free in the US. My grandmother also raise my brother and I. I too understood as I got older. My mom said it was the hardest thing she had to do, because we were so young...so, I can't see his daugther's mom letter her go so young. Break it down to your SO, tell him life in the US is not easy, it hard...same way, same so.

You are going to have to REALLY stress that it's not as easy as he is envisioning here. He will say he gets it; but he really won't.

[PortlandAngel 0]

After everything he told me about their relationship, I told him to get a DNA test once the baby was born. He still has not, everyone that has seen the baby said she looks like him personally I don't think she looks like him. When they do the medical will they do a DNA test? His name is on the birth certificate. In his heart he is convince she is his, I have told him that if I (not to be selfish) have to deal with all this baby-mama stuff I need to 100% convince she is his daughter.

I love kids, and I would not have a problem helping him raised her. But he doesn't understand fully the expense of kids here, neither one of us have family in NYC so there is no free baby sitting. She would need to be on my health insurance and all the other stuff. I think he is starting to understand, if her mother agrees to let him take her, I would lean more towards bringing her the closer to end of the time limit that we do have, just to get ourselves better organized.

AFAIK, unless there is a question as to paternity there is typically no reason to do a DNA test....

He doesn't have a choice if he plans to bring the child to the states. The embassy is going to require that he does one.

Angel,

At my interview there was a man and his son that sat next to us for about 2 hours and we spoke to them both on and off for a while. His son was about 9 years old. When they were called to the window the man was told that his son was not his, so he could not bring him to the states with him. At times, they won't say anything if the child's name was on the birth certificate from birth, but who knows. Hold your ground, that's my best advice.

I know, then I was thinking that we could bring her up within the year and once she gets her GC she can go back and live with her mother, then once she reaches an age where she can think for herself then she can decide where she wants to live, and we would avoid going thru the long immigration process again.

I am all for her living in a better places, but I don't think he should be support the mother too. She is young and still in school, but her mother and aunt would want to live there too, and they all would try to live off him. Can't deal with that!

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

After everything he told me about their relationship, I told him to get a DNA test once the baby was born. He still has not, everyone that has seen the baby said she looks like him personally I don't think she looks like him. When they do the medical will they do a DNA test? His name is on the birth certificate. In his heart he is convince she is his, I have told him that if I (not to be selfish) have to deal with all this baby-mama stuff I need to 100% convince she is his daughter.

I love kids, and I would not have a problem helping him raised her. But he doesn't understand fully the expense of kids here, neither one of us have family in NYC so there is no free baby sitting. She would need to be on my health insurance and all the other stuff. I think he is starting to understand, if her mother agrees to let him take her, I would lean more towards bringing her the closer to end of the time limit that we do have, just to get ourselves better organized.

AFAIK, unless there is a question as to paternity there is typically no reason to do a DNA test....

He doesn't have a choice if he plans to bring the child to the states. The embassy is going to require that he does one.

Angel,

At my interview there was a man and his son that sat next to us for about 2 hours and we spoke to them both on and off for a while. His son was about 9 years old. When they were called to the window the man was told that his son was not his, so he could not bring him to the states with him. At times, they won't say anything if the child's name was on the birth certificate from birth, but who knows. Hold your ground, that's my best advice.

I know, then I was thinking that we could bring her up within the year and once she gets her GC she can go back and live with her mother, then once she reaches an age where she can think for herself then she can decide where she wants to live, and we would avoid going thru the long immigration process again.

I am all for her living in a better places, but I don't think he should be support the mother too. She is young and still in school, but her mother and aunt would want to live there too, and they all would try to live off him. Can't deal with that!

Angel,

One more time Sis, put your FOOT down hard and put it down now.