American women vs Arab women raising children

[S and S 12]

Thanks everyone for all your responses. I really appreciated it.

Aymsgirl, yes I think she was talking about the crib situation of letting the baby cry itself to sleep. Not that it is her business how people choose to raise their children or judge them for it.

jessNgeorges, I have seen the children begging on the streets in the ME as well. Obviously the woman forgets all about that. In fact, I noticed in Syria kids were running around by themselves after dark. That cannot be safe.

Caybee, I had thought about asking her how she would feel if I insulted all Syrians in the same way. I don't think she has thought about how that would feel. Much easier to sit insulting American ways without bothering to understand them.

Ginny20, you have some really interesting observations in regards to disciplining children. I think many of us don't think to look at it from the perspectives you mentioned. Thankyou for sharing!

Uno, I did try to point out to this woman that Pentecostals call for the Holy Spirit (which is a good spirit) and the spirit is even mentioned in the Quran. Unfortunately the woman literally refused to listen and just kept calling it evil. Also, thanks for your input about the "crying down" and "controlled crying" techniques.

Hanging in there, you know one of the first things my husband praised Americans about was our giving nature. He said he never saw another country whose people are so ready and willing to give to others. Also, I agree that women here often have to work and that makes them handle children differently as we don't usually have the whole day at home.

[S and S 12]

Ganja girl, it doesn't suprise me about your grandmother, I think women especially have a hard time adapting to a new culture and way of life once they reach a certain age. I can deal with older people criticising as they get rather set in their ways and like to ramble about how it was "back home" or when they were young. The Syrian woman I speak of is like 33 years old though, so I expect her to be more open and tolerant. You are also right that in reality "most" kids are spoiled here in the US. Some people just fail to see that when they want to criticize one practice that some parents do. Also, that was sweet of you to help that older woman in the airport. I am always happy to help people as well. I never understood why people in the ME can't be more helpful to foreigners without asking for money. If they are truly religious then they should know it isn't right to ask for money.

Donna, I think you are right that at some point many immigrants do change their way of thinking. The problem is waiting until that magical time comes so we don't have to hear the badmouthing anymore.

Hz, thanks for your words and support. Part of me wanted to feel bad for blowing up, but another part feels this woman needed to know that such rude criticism would not be tolerated. I can deal with her not agreeing to what "some" Americans do, but to label all Americans, I can't tolerate that and I will not.

[doodlebugg 10]

My husband held his tongue for the first fivemonths but recently he's started to politely request that I demand certain things of my girls. I know your OP was re: babies though. When my girls were babies I did have them "cry it out" for a while when nothing else was wrong and I knew they were just looking for attention but more often than not I brought them in the bed with me and those nights were the ones that I got the most peaceful sleep ever!

Anyway his gripe is that they don't have any responsibility around the house. NOt sure if this is American though I tend to think it's moreso related to being divorced for ten years but I don't demand that they do chores. I never had to, though we had a housekeeper that came everyday growing up. The only thing I demand of them is to do their homework and bring home good grades. Well that was all well and good when it was just me but now that he's doing some of the share of the cleaning he thinks they should step up to the plate. Babysteps are in place to slowly ease them into things and so far so good. I'm very glad that a) he didn't say anything in the beginning and knew enough not to and that B) he feels confident enough now in his stepdad position to say something, even though it was directly to me and not to the girls.

Edited October 6, 2008 by bridget

[S and S 12]

My husband held his tongue for the first fivemonths but recently he's started to politely request that I demand certain things of my girls. I know your OP was re: babies though. When my girls were babies I did have them "cry it out" for a while when nothing else was wrong and I knew they were just looking for attention but more often than not I brought them in the bed with me and those nights were the ones that I got the most peaceful sleep ever!

Anyway his gripe is that they don't have any responsibility around the house. NOt sure if this is American though I tend to think it's moreso related to being divorced for ten years but I don't demand that they do chores. I never had to, though we had a housekeeper that came everyday growing up. The only thing I demand of them is to do their homework and bring home good grades. Well that was all well and good when it was just me but now that he's doing some of the share of the cleaning he thinks they should step up to the plate. Babysteps are in place to slowly ease them into things and so far so good. I'm very glad that a) he didn't say anything in the beginning and knew enough not to and that B) he feels confident enough now in his stepdad position to say something, even though it was directly to me and not to the girls.

You know that is interesting as I once brought up to my husband about chores for kids. I am more for it because I had it growing up and it teaches kids the skills they need to handle their own homes. Anyway, I told my husband how if me and my brother did all our chores then we would get an allowance each week. My husband totally disagreed with this. He said kids should just do the chores and if they need something, then we can buy it for them or give them some money. The thing is I prefer to tie in the money directly to the work so they understand the concept of working to earn money. I guess it is something we will have to work out later when the time comes.

[Aymsgirl 0]

My husband held his tongue for the first fivemonths but recently he's started to politely request that I demand certain things of my girls. I know your OP was re: babies though. When my girls were babies I did have them "cry it out" for a while when nothing else was wrong and I knew they were just looking for attention but more often than not I brought them in the bed with me and those nights were the ones that I got the most peaceful sleep ever!

Anyway his gripe is that they don't have any responsibility around the house. NOt sure if this is American though I tend to think it's moreso related to being divorced for ten years but I don't demand that they do chores. I never had to, though we had a housekeeper that came everyday growing up. The only thing I demand of them is to do their homework and bring home good grades. Well that was all well and good when it was just me but now that he's doing some of the share of the cleaning he thinks they should step up to the plate. Babysteps are in place to slowly ease them into things and so far so good. I'm very glad that a) he didn't say anything in the beginning and knew enough not to and that B) he feels confident enough now in his stepdad position to say something, even though it was directly to me and not to the girls.

I say that was a smart move of him. My husband is the same way. He felt like he had to win the respect and love first and then start playing the step dad role. Smart man Bridge.....it works, believe me I am seeing improvement with my older two!

[morocco4ever 63]

I haven't had an opportunity to read this entire thread, so please excuse me if I repeat what has been said.

This woman first insulted your family, then she insulted you, as well as all Americans. The bottom line is that she is a bully. No one has spoken to her that way before? Perhaps because people are afraid to stand up to her. Then she boo hoo's to another woman about you? Drama queen.

You did nothing wrong, she did. I don't care what their traditions say, she is in America now and she is the one that owes you the apology. I doubt you will get it however.

Considering you are in the workplace you do need to work on being civil to each other. You don't owe any more than that. My suggestion is that you act civil, but not over friendly. If she starts again just turn your back and walk away. You don't need to defend yourself to this bitter woman.

One other note. Her daughter(?) is only 5? Oh boy, she has a lot of years to go through before she can claim any expertise in the field of parenting. Just wait until this girl turns oh around 12. Let's just see how much of an expert she is as she loses all control over her child.

[nu7015 0]

How long has this Syrian lady lived here and how many mothers has she witnessed leaving their babies crying???

My daughter screamed and cried 24/7 for the first 7 months of her life, waking up 5-7 times a night until I finally let her cry in her crib and then she finally began sleeping most of the night. She was always held, I stayed home with her for the first 6 months and she was given all the attention in the world. I searched online, bought books, took her to Dr.'s, breastfed, gave formula, switched formulas umpteem times. Some babies are fussier than others.

I still had to do everyday things and so I had to bring my screaming baby with me. People in stores and everywhere I went looked at me as though I was torturing her. We flew several places and went entire flights with her screaming and through airports with her screaming bloody murder. So I suppose if the Syrian lady had witnessed me or someone else with a screaming baby like mine (God help them), then I suppose that would make her think badly about mothers here. However, it is rare when I've seen other babies like that when I am out and about.

I don't feel that you need to apologize. I'm sure you won't be the last American that she will encounter with that reaction if she keeps insulting Americans.

[morocco4ever 63]

How long has this Syrian lady lived here and how many mothers has she witnessed leaving their babies crying???

My daughter screamed and cried 24/7 for the first 7 months of her life, waking up 5-7 times a night until I finally let her cry in her crib and then she finally began sleeping most of the night. She was always held, I stayed home with her for the first 6 months and she was given all the attention in the world. I searched online, bought books, took her to Dr.'s, breastfed, gave formula, switched formulas umpteem times. Some babies are fussier than others.

I still had to do everyday things and so I had to bring my screaming baby with me. People in stores and everywhere I went looked at me as though I was torturing her. We flew several places and went entire flights with her screaming and through airports with her screaming bloody murder. So I suppose if the Syrian lady had witnessed me or someone else with a screaming baby like mine (God help them), then I suppose that would make her think badly about mothers here. However, it is rare when I've seen other babies like that when I am out and about.

I don't feel that you need to apologize. I'm sure you won't be the last American that she will encounter with that reaction if she keeps insulting Americans.

Crying 24/7 sounds like Colic. The poor babies that go through this appear to be in pain. And the poor parents. Not easy at all!

Oh Kat, I just read your posts. OMG you crack me up!!

[prince+angel 3]

WOW - when I first read this I was speechless. Cant believe this happened in work environment. Women have enough to deal with on a good day and way too much to get through on a regular day then to have to listen to the under informed and ignorant.

I am sorry you lost your cool but I think we've all had a moment or two when we have just had enough. I wont get into the cultural differences of raising children but I can say it doesn't matter what race, religion, nationality, color, culture or financial back ground you come from - there is good & bad in ALL when it comes to raising children. Just know your doing (or will do) your best with yours in your situation & keep it moving.

BTW, I give you much credit for trying to reason with someone who sounds sooo unreasonable.

[nu7015 0]

How long has this Syrian lady lived here and how many mothers has she witnessed leaving their babies crying???

My daughter screamed and cried 24/7 for the first 7 months of her life, waking up 5-7 times a night until I finally let her cry in her crib and then she finally began sleeping most of the night. She was always held, I stayed home with her for the first 6 months and she was given all the attention in the world. I searched online, bought books, took her to Dr.'s, breastfed, gave formula, switched formulas umpteem times. Some babies are fussier than others.

I still had to do everyday things and so I had to bring my screaming baby with me. People in stores and everywhere I went looked at me as though I was torturing her. We flew several places and went entire flights with her screaming and through airports with her screaming bloody murder. So I suppose if the Syrian lady had witnessed me or someone else with a screaming baby like mine (God help them), then I suppose that would make her think badly about mothers here. However, it is rare when I've seen other babies like that when I am out and about.

I don't feel that you need to apologize. I'm sure you won't be the last American that she will encounter with that reaction if she keeps insulting Americans.

Crying 24/7 sounds like Colic. The poor babies that go through this appear to be in pain. And the poor parents. Not easy at all!

Oh Kat, I just read your posts. OMG you crack me up!!

Colic is what the doctors said too. But when it went past the typical 3 month mark, they ruled out colic. Believe me, I was counting on it ending after 3 months!!!!!!!

From my experience, and I've been to Morocco 5 times and there a total of about 4 months, I don't really like how the children are treated there. The women were always busy cleaning or cooking or socializing and the kids seemed to be left to fend for themselves. I always felt the urge to go comfort the kids and give them attention. They were always running around wild but they learned that they could come and sit with me quietly and we would communicate in our own little ways. The women would always look at me weird; I don't know if it is because they thought I was being bothered by their kids or that they thought I was being inappropriate with their kids.

I know that when I fly Royal Air Maroc, waiting in JFK for my flight includes having a slew of Moroccan kids chasing each other around all of us waiting. I feel that I am in "Little Morocco" when at JFK waiting for a RAM flight and preparing myself for the 21 nieces and nephews I will be around in a short while.

[doodlebugg 10]

My husband held his tongue for the first fivemonths but recently he's started to politely request that I demand certain things of my girls. I know your OP was re: babies though. When my girls were babies I did have them "cry it out" for a while when nothing else was wrong and I knew they were just looking for attention but more often than not I brought them in the bed with me and those nights were the ones that I got the most peaceful sleep ever!

Anyway his gripe is that they don't have any responsibility around the house. NOt sure if this is American though I tend to think it's moreso related to being divorced for ten years but I don't demand that they do chores. I never had to, though we had a housekeeper that came everyday growing up. The only thing I demand of them is to do their homework and bring home good grades. Well that was all well and good when it was just me but now that he's doing some of the share of the cleaning he thinks they should step up to the plate. Babysteps are in place to slowly ease them into things and so far so good. I'm very glad that a) he didn't say anything in the beginning and knew enough not to and that B) he feels confident enough now in his stepdad position to say something, even though it was directly to me and not to the girls.

You know that is interesting as I once brought up to my husband about chores for kids. I am more for it because I had it growing up and it teaches kids the skills they need to handle their own homes. Anyway, I told my husband how if me and my brother did all our chores then we would get an allowance each week. My husband totally disagreed with this. He said kids should just do the chores and if they need something, then we can buy it for them or give them some money. The thing is I prefer to tie in the money directly to the work so they understand the concept of working to earn money. I guess it is something we will have to work out later when the time comes.

He doesn't believe in an allowance either but then again neither do I. I tried that once and one week I didn't pay it ( i think they were at their dad's house) so my oldest disputed it saying that it's not fair to penalize just 'cause they are at their dad's. Well she wrote it down (as she does everything) and started charging me interest for each day that I didn't pay her!!!!

I just give them money here and there when they need it but they definitely need to step up to the plate more in terms of cleaning and picking up after themselves.

[nu7015 0]

My husband held his tongue for the first fivemonths but recently he's started to politely request that I demand certain things of my girls. I know your OP was re: babies though. When my girls were babies I did have them "cry it out" for a while when nothing else was wrong and I knew they were just looking for attention but more often than not I brought them in the bed with me and those nights were the ones that I got the most peaceful sleep ever!

Anyway his gripe is that they don't have any responsibility around the house. NOt sure if this is American though I tend to think it's moreso related to being divorced for ten years but I don't demand that they do chores. I never had to, though we had a housekeeper that came everyday growing up. The only thing I demand of them is to do their homework and bring home good grades. Well that was all well and good when it was just me but now that he's doing some of the share of the cleaning he thinks they should step up to the plate. Babysteps are in place to slowly ease them into things and so far so good. I'm very glad that a) he didn't say anything in the beginning and knew enough not to and that B) he feels confident enough now in his stepdad position to say something, even though it was directly to me and not to the girls.

You know that is interesting as I once brought up to my husband about chores for kids. I am more for it because I had it growing up and it teaches kids the skills they need to handle their own homes. Anyway, I told my husband how if me and my brother did all our chores then we would get an allowance each week. My husband totally disagreed with this. He said kids should just do the chores and if they need something, then we can buy it for them or give them some money. The thing is I prefer to tie in the money directly to the work so they understand the concept of working to earn money. I guess it is something we will have to work out later when the time comes.

He doesn't believe in an allowance either but then again neither do I. I tried that once and one week I didn't pay it ( i think they were at their dad's house) so my oldest disputed it saying that it's not fair to penalize just 'cause they are at their dad's. Well she wrote it down (as she does everything) and started charging me interest for each day that I didn't pay her!!!!

I just give them money here and there when they need it but they definitely need to step up to the plate more in terms of cleaning and picking up after themselves.

That is what I do and my daughter does need more chores to do too. My husband has pointed that out over and over. I haven't pushed it because I know that I didn't want my daughter to grow up like I did and have to be over responsible. My sister and I were doing all of the housework and cooking ever since I can remember as well as other chores outside on the farm. I still have to find that happy medium of not too much or too little responsibility.

My husband is used to having all family members younger than him do everything for him and everyone else and without asking twice.

We are adjusting and giving and taking slowly with what our expectations are.

[sandinista! 1,816]

Oh Kat, I just read your posts. OMG you crack me up!!

you would find that kind of ####### funny.

[amal 4]

My husband held his tongue for the first fivemonths but recently he's started to politely request that I demand certain things of my girls. I know your OP was re: babies though. When my girls were babies I did have them "cry it out" for a while when nothing else was wrong and I knew they were just looking for attention but more often than not I brought them in the bed with me and those nights were the ones that I got the most peaceful sleep ever!

Anyway his gripe is that they don't have any responsibility around the house.""mine gripes about the exact same thing"" NOt sure if this is American though I tend to think it's moreso related to being divorced for ten years but I don't demand that they do chores. I never had to, though we had a housekeeper that came everyday growing up. The only thing I demand of them is to do their homework and bring home good grades. Well that was all well and good when it was just me but now that he's doing some of the share of the cleaning he thinks they should step up to the plate."" I get told about that same thing alllll the time too"" Babysteps are in place to slowly ease them into things and so far so good. I'm very glad that a) he didn't say anything in the beginning and knew enough not to and that B) he feels confident enough now in his stepdad position to say something, even though it was directly to me and not to the girls.

You know that is interesting as I once brought up to my husband about chores for kids. I am more for it because I had it growing up and it teaches kids the skills they need to handle their own homes. Anyway, I told my husband how if me and my brother did all our chores then we would get an allowance each week. My husband totally disagreed with this. He said kids should just do the chores and if they need something, then we can buy it for them or give them some money(Mine says there should be no reward for doing things that need to be done in the first place. He thinks that paying them for doing chores = spoiling them unnecessarily). The thing is I prefer to tie in the money directly to the work so they understand the concept of working to earn money (I'm right there with ya on that one). I guess it is something we will have to work out later when the time comes.

[morocco4ever 63]

Oh Kat, I just read your posts. OMG you crack me up!!

you would find that kind of ####### funny.

It's called a sense of humor. You should try it some time.