Interracial Marriage: Yes, It's Still Hard

[one...two...tree 2,762]

By Robyn Preston-McGee, The Frisky

I am white. My husband is black. Our daughter is ... well ... she's like that great flavor of "World Class Chocolate" at Baskin-Robbins, which is a sweet, delectable combination of white and dark chocolate, blended to perfection. When the grocery store checker, or the dentist, or our insurance salesman, or the shoe store clerk, or one of my college students who sees her picture in my office asks where she gets her curly hair or if she's "mixed," I usually reply, "Yes, she's biracial," (for I've always thought "mixed" to be used only for dogs and cocktails). I answer this question three or four times a day and often wonder if I should just stick a sign on her that reads "Yes, my father is black."

The journey to my interracial family has been both horrifying and humorous. One thing I'm sure of is that opposition to my modern marriage is nothing like the venom I faced as a dating teenager in rural Oklahoma. I had a few boyfriends (one of them Latino, another Spanish and French), but only the "Black" one resulted in humiliation and, in one instance, physical violence. The townsfolk whispered, some friends abandoned me, and my father disowned me.

When I moved to Mississippi for graduate school and began dating my husband, I expected to find the same kind of rejection. Some of it was still there. We found "For Rent" houses to be suspiciously already rented when we arrived for a tour. Every now and then, someone would tell us to "stick to your own kind," followed by the obligatory tobacco-spit. But generally speaking, we got by without incident.

When my husband and I finally decided to take the plunge after dating for four years, we eloped. I think deep down we were worried about the "if anyone here can show just cause" part. My father's side of the family was horrified, my mother's tolerant, but not overjoyed. When my grandmother showed our wedding photo to a family member, they asked, "What nationality is he?" Perhaps they were hoping she would respond with the more exotic-sounding "Nigerian" or "Haitian." Nope. Just plain ol' African-American.

When my husband and I moved to Missouri, I wasn't sure what to expect. We live in a suburb of Kansas City, and while I have the great fortune to work among some very warm, open-minded colleagues, my experiences in middle-America suburbia have not always been positive. I've become keenly aware that as a white person, other white people feel perfectly comfortable revealing their prejudices to me, unaware of my family situation. Not long ago, a new neighbor moved in across the street. My husband was away, and, being the good neighbor I am, I went to greet him.

As we talked, I asked what prompted his move to our neighborhood. "Well," he replied, "there just got to be too many blacks on our block and we figured it was time to get out."

My reply? "Well, er, um ... .how 'bout those Chiefs!" I would like to say that I had a witty comeback for him, that I embarrassed him for his racist comment. After all, my husband and I have been married almost ten years. I should be more prepared. Instead, all I could offer was some weak analysis of our beloved Chiefs' offensive line.

My silence, however, made "the reveal" that much sweeter. Imagine the look of astonishment on my neighbor's face the next day when my husband and I drove by, smiling and waving. The rebellious side of me was thinking about that sweet revenge, but the Oklahoma teenager in me was afraid of the fallout.

Fortunately, the only fallout was in the form of an awkward apology to me (not my husband) from that neighbor. In fact, he's become somewhat of a friend and we've managed to bridge whatever gaps he thought existed in his old neighborhood. But I can't offer the same happy ending when it comes to my family. My marriage and the subsequent birth of my daughter solidified my father's "disownership" of me.

All of this is not to whine about the opposition I've faced for marrying the person I married. It's nothing compared to the discrimination racial minorities face everyday in America. But when my white students, for example, joyously remark that "racism is a thing of the past," I ask them to consider how their own parents would react if they brought home a black person to marry. A flash of awareness comes across their faces ... and I already know their answer.

http://www.alternet.org/sex/100981/interra...27s_still_hard/

[almaty 19]

damn, kansas city chopf##ks...

2 of my neighbors are a mix couple...both african-american amles married to white females..they seem adjusted and one couple, the one who use to leave next to us, has been married 25 years...i think it is allot more common than 20 years ago...

[pedroh 21]

fukcin @ssholes..

[*JG* 2]

damn, kansas city chopf##ks...

2 of my neighbors are a mix couple...both african-american amles married to white females..they seem adjusted and one couple, the one who use to leave next to us, has been married 25 years...i think it is allot more common than 20 years ago...

Yeah, St. Louis is pretty awesome for interracial couples. No issues for us.

[Krikit 1,164]

damn, kansas city chopf##ks...

[almaty 19]

damn, kansas city chopf##ks...

2 of my neighbors are a mix couple...both african-american amles married to white females..they seem adjusted and one couple, the one who use to leave next to us, has been married 25 years...i think it is allot more common than 20 years ago...

Yeah, St. Louis is pretty awesome for interracial couples. No issues for us.

i am glad sister...also, i work with several gays ..who are in long term partner realtionships..and they report the same thing..no hassle and accepted .....

[*JG* 2]

damn, kansas city chopf##ks...

2 of my neighbors are a mix couple...both african-american amles married to white females..they seem adjusted and one couple, the one who use to leave next to us, has been married 25 years...i think it is allot more common than 20 years ago...

Yeah, St. Louis is pretty awesome for interracial couples. No issues for us.

i am glad sister...also, i work with several gays ..who are in long term partner realtionships..and they report the same thing..no hassle and accepted .....

Hell, Almaty.....the only thing we can't seem to accept in St. Louis are NON-Baseball fans!!!!!

[almaty 19]

damn, kansas city chopf##ks...

2 of my neighbors are a mix couple...both african-american amles married to white females..they seem adjusted and one couple, the one who use to leave next to us, has been married 25 years...i think it is allot more common than 20 years ago...

Yeah, St. Louis is pretty awesome for interracial couples. No issues for us.

i am glad sister...also, i work with several gays ..who are in long term partner realtionships..and they report the same thing..no hassle and accepted .....

Hell, Almaty.....the only thing we can't seem to accept in St. Louis are NON-Baseball fans!!!!!

lol..and sister..Hoosiers...Mullets...and folks who hate Ted Drews

[alienlovechild 75]

But when my white students, for example, joyously remark that "racism is a thing of the past," I ask them to consider how their own parents would react if they brought home a black person to marry. A flash of awareness comes across their faces ... and I already know their answer.

The article fails to mention that there's been a big increase in interracial marriages and polls show a lot less vocal opposition to mixed relationships. We have a mixed race candidate for president and another candidate for president with an adopted kid of another race.

That doesn't mean you won't hear comments you don't like but times have changed. Parents may be reluctant to accept a person from another race marrying into the family but it's your decision.

The teacher didn't bother to listen to her students' answers or the students themselves are too scared or braindead to explain what they would tell their parents. A lot of parents have misgivings about whether their kid chose the right person to marry and race is just a another factor.

[almaty 19]

amen to that and reality

[Krikit 1,164]

By Robyn Preston-McGee, The Frisky

I am white. My husband is black. Our daughter is ... well ... she's like that great flavor of "World Class Chocolate" at Baskin-Robbins, which is a sweet, delectable combination of white and dark chocolate, blended to perfection. When the grocery store checker, or the dentist, or our insurance salesman, or the shoe store clerk, or one of my college students who sees her picture in my office asks where she gets her curly hair or if she's "mixed," I usually reply, "Yes, she's biracial," (for I've always thought "mixed" to be used only for dogs and cocktails). I answer this question three or four times a day and often wonder if I should just stick a sign on her that reads "Yes, my father is black."

It's sad that the author has experienced racism in her life. It's sad that anyone does. Even sadder when there are consequences within your own family. As to the above.... I cannot honestly say that that is a racism indicator. Those types of questions get asked of any parent of a small child, whether it be red hair, curly hair, blue eyes, grey eyes, or even how tall they are. It does, however, show that the author has been highly sensitized by past experiences.

Happy to report that I have yet to see any racism here where I live. I've definitely seen it elsewhere, though.

[kaydee457 13]

<shrug>....learn to live with it....

[pedroh 21]

<shrug>....learn to live with it....

so u accept it instead of doing something against it?? wow the 'u know what are u getting into' mentality is still alive

u couldn't be more close minded if u tried harder

Edited October 2, 2008 by pedroh

[Krikit 1,164]

[kaydee457 13]

<shrug>....learn to live with it....

so u accept it instead of doing something against it?? wow the 'u know what are u getting into' mentality is still alive

u couldn't be more close minded if u tried harder

<shrug> what's to fight? It exists....learn to live with it.