Coping with military separation.

[dingding 0]

Hi there. Just wondering if anyone has any advice or has similar experiences, having a tough time of it at the moment. Also its just kinda therapeutic getting it off my chest.

The wife and I have been married since Jan 05, so thats about 17 months now. Everything is great, we love each other very much. Had a stressfulish year following Hurricane Katrina and upheaval to Memphis and then moving around a fair bit (we've moved house 7 times since we've been married). We haven't spent longer than a couple of weeks apart - when i came back to England for a family emergency. That was really tough and we missed each other terribly. My wife kept calling me upset and missing me, and in the end I cut my trip short by a week cos we just missed each other that much.

Anyways, my wife is in the Military. She has had to go to a training school in Florida, for what we believed would be 3 and a half to 4 months. It is a residential course and she has to stay on the base. We were staying in a furnished apartment at a cost of $1800 a month which was paid for by the military following Katrina. All of our belongings are in storage, we cannot get them moved for us until we move to our next duty station following her school, which we wont know the location of until then. The military stopped paying us the exta for the apartment when she went to the school. After considering the facts that I can't drive yet, I wouldn't have work there, we wouldn't have furniture, getting an apartment and all the utilities etc for the sake of a couple of months, the distinct possiblities of further evactuations from hurricanes, and the fact that we would hardly, if ever see each other, we decided it would probably be best that I come back to England for those 3-4 months whilst she attends school. I would get a job, which would be good money when it is converted to dollars, I would take driving lessons (found it hard in TN to find schools who didnt exclusively teach teenagers), I would have the company of my friends and family whereas in FL I would know no-one. It sounded great. We knew we would miss each other, but we would both be busy and the time would fly by -absence makes the heart grow fonder etc.

Well it has been just over a month now and it hasn't been as easy as I expected. I have a good job - so that keeps me occupied in the day and makes time go much faster. However I am missing her terribly. My friends now hardly go out, so I find myself stuck in during the evenings and most weekends. I am living with my parents, but they spend most of the time just sitting watching TV during the evenings without saying a word.

We also just found out that she could be in school much longer, as they have to wait for enough people to start the class. This could take months apparently. I think I am only allowed to be out of the country for 6 months - in which case I will go back and get an apartment in Fl until she finishes. But six months is such a long time. I know with her in the military I will have to get used to the idea as eventually she will have to go out on deployment for up to 9 months (this could happen as soon as she finishes this course which means we will be apart for pretty much 15 months with a couple ofmonths together in the middle.

Until they start the class proper, they are kept busy cleaning the base and standing watches etc. This has made it even harder. Due to a combination of how busy they keep her throughout the entire day, and the time difference we only really get to talk to each over for about 5 minutes per day, which is really so short. I look forward to talking to her all day and then when it comes it is over so quickly it is like an anti-climax. To make matters worse she always has people around her - she even shares her room with more girls, so when she speaks to me she is always in military mode and can't talk to me "properly" i.e affectionately or "lovey-dovey". It is not like talking to my wife at all, its like talking to a friend in the military. She always sounds so stressed and tired and the call is always a rush or has to be ended abrubtly due to something she has to go do. I often come away from the call feeling very sad indeed.

It is odd, although we havent, my body feels like we have broken up or something. You know that feeling when you break up from a long-time girlfriend/boyfriend you still love? Its just like that. Im craving some affection, kind words etc. Im finding that she is not saying things like "i love you" or "i miss you" without being prompted. She has been out a couple of times. Once she went to a bar on base with a married male. Now I completely trust her, but I still felt a little jealous simply due to the fact that this guy was goiing to get to go out and spend time with her - whereas I am getting my 5 minute a day conversations.

She called me last night. She has the weekend off. Its her birthday weekend so she booked herself into the base hotel for a couple of nights so that she can have the place to herself. She had had a few to drink, and although we talked for a little longer, she still wasn't talking like "her". She said that she wasn't very happy at the moment and was feeling down. She said that she had to figure some things out. When I asked her what she said, "dunno, just some things - big things...life", she said that it was nothing to do with us or our marriage etc. But it kind of upset me that she couldn't tell me what these "big things" were. I think some of it was the drink talking, and I alot of it is the stress of her situation, and Im sure she is adjusting to being apart from me just as much. But she seems to be coping without being with me more than I am about her. I mean Im coping, but Im missing her so much, whereas she seems too busy to even consider missing me. Id hoped that during this weekend, being in a hotel by herself, she could talk to me like the real her. But so far no luck.

I dunno, I guess as well as missing her terribly and adjusting to being back here in england, I am deep down starting to worry that her being away from me is going to make her not want me to come back for some reason. Like she is going to get used to being apart from me and prefer the single life again. The not talking to me like we are husband and wife - like we have talked ot each other til the day i left and for a few days after again have made it much harded. Even if she were to just humour me it would be a little easier.

There seem to be so many support groups and websites for Miltiary spouses, but they seem to take it for granted that the spouse is female.

Any thoughts, advice?

[Fandango 1,439]

Well first of all, your wife and you are to ve commended with utmost of thanks and resepect for her service to this country

Secondly, if you are making a bit of money, why not fly out there to suprise her? Work around her days off. I do know that my fiancee D got a cracking deal on a charter flight from Newcy to central fl...usually would run int he high 600s on a regular flight, but he got it for 270 quid. If you live closer to london, it's even cheaper.

Your wife has an immense amount of pressure on her..and I cant even begin to understand what it must be like for her. She is a female soldier in a man's world...and although regular military life must have excrutiating pressure...add to that perhaps her own pressure to excel even further because she's proving as a woman she can do the job just as good. Of course this is pure specualtion on my part...but just take for example what you said. You said she was in a room with 'other girls.' Now I'm not bashing you for it, but at the same time they are not girls at a summer camp slumber party. They are soldiers.

Now if she can't prove her merit and have her squad, platoon, whatever RESPECT her as a soldier, that could be very problematic. I would say that's prolly the reason for the coldness. Women are the ones who seem all lovey dovey gushy..so she's prolly working extra hard to not look soft or emotional.

I would say you need to trust your wife. She is going thru enough adjustment without having to worry about you worrying. You need to support her and know that you're proud of her. And you want my honest truth? I would go to florida....rent a room from somewhere, work whatever job i could find....whatever needed to be done. Furniture....or lack thereof....would not keep me away.

Best of luck in whatever you do. God bless you both!

Edited May 27, 2006 by LisaD

[Cygnet 0]

I don't have any advice but as LisaD suggested, maybe you can go and visit her if she gets a bit of a break... maybe the next long weekend in the U.S.?

Take care.

[Ban Hammer 13,352]

There seem to be so many support groups and websites for Miltiary spouses, but they seem to take it for granted that the spouse is female.

Any thoughts, advice?

is there a military chaplain in the area that you are in? that's always a good place to start. hang in there

[Reba 2]

all I could say is get yourself back to the US as soon as you can, find yourself a small flat if you can, and a job, and let her know you're there for her.

I know you went back to England so you could get together some money, but if something similar happened to me, I'd be thinking my husband had deserted me by skipping back home as soon as I had to leave for a tour. I imagine she's stressed out as it is.

Where in Florida is she? Can't you find somewhere inexpensive to rent for yourself until her training is done and before she ships out for a tour? I'm thinking she'll want to see you before she leaves, especially if they ship her out to Iraq.

Best of luck to you both, I hope you can work things out quickly.

[Kajikit 65]

If it was me, I'd be on the first plane back to Florida and living in an apartment some place as close to the base as I could manage so that at least I'd be in the same state as my spouse... cutting the time-difference should theoretically make it easier to stay in touch with each other. Another thing is writing letters - is she allowed to send/receive mail? If so, write your heart out and send it to her and let her know exactly how much you love her and miss her, but want to support her in her endeavours.

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

Until they start the class proper, they are kept busy cleaning the base and standing watches etc.

I remember that from my Navy days. I picked up trash a lot.

Maybe you can go to Florida and just rent a room on a month to month basis (share with someone). No point in getting an apartment to yourself. Look in the newpaper or craigs list. People are always looking for roommates.

http://www.craigslist.org/

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Sorry that I don't have any advice to offer, but I just wanted to send my sympathies to you...doesn't sound like a fun situation to have to be apart for so long all the time. :( Take care, and thinking of you. (F) M.

[yabasta 0]

Sorry to read about your situation. It seems to me that from what you tell me you are taking it worse than your wife because you seem to be waiting ont hat 5 minutes and whilst i totally understand how you feel i would suggest you make more effort to enjoy the other 23 hours and 55 minutes of the day as best you can. I would agree that writing to her is good and if an option yes move to Florida but i am guessing florida is not financially viable? Can you work there?

If you have a date to work towards that is good. I think the best thing you can do is get stuck into something. Earning money could be a good thing to get stuck into. Maybe learn a new skill. You said you were learning to drive so why not learn to fix them aswell or something. The longer you spend thinking about being apart from her the harder it will become. You need to focus your time i think. Just live and then write to your wife and tell her what you have been up to. I would also ask her why she won`t talk to you about such things as the things getting her down. If she can`t tell you then who can she tell?

good luck and sorry if my advice was of no help.

[dingding 0]

Thanks all for your replies and advice. I will try and address a few questions some of you have asked, I think I could have been a little clearer in my post, but I was doing it on my brothers computer at his house and I didnt have much privacy so kinda rushed it.

Personally I would much rather be in Florida too. None of this was actually my idea, and until march of this year the plan was that I would go with her, I would indeed get an apartment and I would literally get an inflatable matress and a TV. I would have passed my driving test by then and that would make it much easier to get a job. That was the plan. We were happy enough with it.

At the beginning of march we went up to her parent's for a couple of weeks to visit. I had been out one day and my wife and her mom had had a girly day together and had obviously being doing alot of talking.

When I got back it seems they had talked about her school and they thought that all in all it would be better for me to go back to England cos it would allow for her to concentrate fully on her studies, as it is a very hard class. And as I hadnt managed to get my driving license I would struggle to get around town and get a job etc. Within a couple of days I kinda reluctantly agreed and we had booked a flight. Even though I would much rather have stayed with her.

I actually mentioned to her the other day that I could come back if she wants and if that would make things better, it turned out that she could actually live off base if I were there, although she would have to go to base for watches at all hours. She said no because we couldn't afford it and I now have a job here and if I was there she would probably be distracted etc, basically the same reasons for me to go in the first place.

I do write to her often. I have mailed her several letters and birthday cards from me and my family - she has yet to go collect them from the mail room.

I am totally supportive to her when we do speak. I am positive and am not showing any insecurites etc for the reasons you in one of the replies. She needs my full support, and if she is stressed or depressed etc I don't want to make her worry about me either. But to be honest though some positive, re-assuraning words from her every now and then wouldn't go a miss.

As far as sharing her room with "soldiers" or "sailors" in her case - whilst technically true,believe me it is like a college slumber party. She is sharing a room with three 18 year olds who have just come out of bootcamp - and she actually said it is like being at college or high-school. She said they are very immature and she is really suprised that they are in the military -infact two of them wont be for much longer, they are waiting to go home.

And as I stated in my post, I do understand that she is in, and why she is in "military mode" - when she is surrounded by her colleages. However Im a little suprised that she is still not talking to me "normally" when she does have the opportunity and is alone. Friday and saturday night she went out with some of the other people for the whole day. Would you not be slightly agrieved that she has time to spend going out drinking and having a good time with people she has known for a matter of weeks but can't seem to find the time to talk to her husband for literally more than 2 to 5 minutes.

Last night I tried to tell her how I am feeling and find out more about whats eating her, but she had to go as some people she was going for a drink with were waiting for her, and would it be cool if she calls me tomorrow. I felt like i had been completely blown off again.

Anyway thanks for your advice, I will see what today brings ,it is her birthday afterall so It would be nice to talk to her.

Oh yeah, another reason I know that our marriage is not in doubt is cos she called me from the mall all scared to tell me, and apologise that she just spent $400 in victoria secret on PJ's and Bras

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Can you not fly over for a few days?

It sounds like you guys really need to talk just to reassure you - not cos you distrust her - but cos that's what husbands and wives DO.

I'm sure her classes are taking all her time and energy and her 'free time' she spends blowing off stress - but if you get out of the nabit of being verbally intimate then its gonna take time to build it back up when you DO fly back - and if its just a visit to see her, it won'timpact on her classes vey much - and Im sure if you can SEE her - even if its just so she can SEE how much stress she is under - and you two can re-cnnect spiritually - that will help some.

I wish you both the best

Edited May 28, 2006 by Jaylen Brit

[dingding 0]

Im about to post in the AOS section. It's not good.

[Stefanie 1]

Hi,

My husband is in the military and we went through the same kind of separation a while ago. My husband joined the Army last year in July... first he went to boot camp for three months and then to AIT - advanced individual training (I think in the Navy it is called Tech School) for five months. We were separated for almost 8 months which was very hard.

Well during boot camp, he was pretty much locked up and busy all day... phycical training, formations, physical training, and again formations. During those three months I got 3 phone calls - maybe 4. Each one of them lasted less than 5 minutes. But we wrote each other every day... I didn't miss one day at all. It was a tough time but as soon as I found out about his boot camp graduation day, I booked a flight and finally we had something to look forward to.

After that he went straight to AIT... the first month he was basically just waiting because like your wife they had to wait for more soldiers to arrive to start classes. The waiting period was called reception and it was basically like boot camp. No one was allowed to have cell phones, internet access etc. But we wrote each other every day still. It was almost Thanksgiving and my hubby told me that he would have a four-day weekend. Of course, I didn't think twice and booked a ticket.

What I am saying is... the key is to keep touch with each other in every possible way. At least your wife is in the country and not in Iraq or somewhere else. If I were you, I wouldn't have gone to England. I would have stayed to get your life started. You can't get it started in the UK if your permanent residence is in the USA. While he was gone, I worked my butt off, went to college, completed my Green Card stuff and so on. My husband liked the fact that i stayed busy and focused on getting our life started. Once we found out about our first duty station, I organized our move and everything. i was moved in before he even graduated. He really appreciated that I am basically wearing the pants in the house. I think it is imnportant for a military spouse to be independent because the military is very stressfull sometimes.

You really need to be there for her... if I were you, I would get a ticket back to the US now!

Stefanie

Edited May 30, 2006 by Stefanie

[Aussielad 37]

if you ask me.....theres something more in the biginning where she went "to the bar with another married man"....something just isnt right.

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

if you ask me.....theres something more in the biginning where she went "to the bar with another married man"....something just isnt right.

here's 'something more'

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.ph...topic=15687&hl=