Please help me make my fiancee feel more at home

[ChloroPhil 0]

Hey folks,

The time is quickly coming that my fiancee will be joining me in the States for good. She's been here for quite a few visits, the latest being three months long. Still, I know she's going to have a lot of adjusting to do and I could really use your help in doing little things that would make her Canadian self feel more comfortable here in the US Southeast. Any suggestions of special foods or other things that a non-Canadian wouldn't know about would be appreciated. She's from the Kitchener-Waterloo area.

Thanks in advance,

Phil

[Krikit 1,165]

Welcome to VJ, ChloroPhil.

The thing I appreciated my husband doing was locating and taking me to stores which held Canadian/UK food products which we can't get here. (Because I like to cook.) I.E. World Market, Fresh Market, Whole Foods. I think the biggest thing you can do to support her is to listen to her when she has a meltdown, then hold her close and let her know you love and appreciate her. The meltdowns will come unexpectedly and for seemingly no reason. It really has nothing to do with whatever is going on, and everything to do with missing her home and her family and her friends. Everything she knows will be different.... even though you'd think it would be the same since Canada and the US are so close. She's going to get frustrated by that, along with the immigration process and having to re-establish herself from scratch. Bring her flowers during the rough patches. It's a rough ride, at first, but it eventually does get better.

[jedinite 0]

When I first moved to the States on my TN-1 Visa it was hard adjusting to life without family and friends, she'll probably miss that the most at first. I would say keep her busy as this will keep her happy. Introduce, her to friends, take her out, maybe she can bond with some of your buddies wives or girlfriends and have people to hang out with when you're at work or whatever. If she's lived there for 3 months she might not notice too much difference from when she first visited you down there.

As a couple that went through a rough patch during our engagement I would say have your own hobbies and activities with your own friends. That's not to say intentionally do things separately, but don't be joined at the hip 100% of the time, it will make you or her miserable because you'll both lose your individuality. For myself, I enjoy sports (surfing, snowboarding, basketball) which I usually do without her, and I'll probably take up photography when I return State-side as to keep myself occupied and our relationship fresh and healthy.

In terms of Canadian things, a lot of them you can find at World Markets as Krikit said. One thing I know I missed is my HP Sauce, so I brought a few big bottles with me from a Costco in Canada, and I also brought down some Montreal Steak Spices. But there's a ton of stuff you can get in Canada which isn't available in the US and visa versa. I think just surprising her with little things from home will make her know you care and making sure things don't ever get too old with you both, like with any type of relationship it's all about compromise and surprise. Don't let it get stale.

Good luck.

[Galateia 1]

The hardest thing for me was being trapped in the house, unable to work or go anywhere, dependent on my husband or new friends to ferry my behind everywhere.

Support her meeting new friends and having social activities is the best advice I can give you, even if it means you dragging yourself out of the house again after a long day's work. Try not to have expectations about what she will do with her time while she's at home all day, because being bored, homesick, lonely, and abruptly going from a full life packed with friends, family, a job, and freedom to the prison of your residence's four walls and enforced idleness is going to be hard. My husband has been a saint about not criticizing me for the laundry being half-done and piled on the dryer, never complained about having to hunt for clean socks or the fact that he kept up with his chores while I did mine erratically despite having nothing but 'free time'. It was hard for him to come home exhausted from his day and be faced with trying to keep me sane while all he wanted to do was eat and bag out in front of the TV.

I went into a severe depression that has lifted now that I have my EAD, and I haven't even applied for any jobs yet. Just having options has made a world of difference. I tried to stay busy with housework and hobbies, but as the months dragged on and everything from my EI to our AOS package seemed to be hitting snags, I grew more and more depressed to the point where even responding to emails from friends and family was a tremendous effort. I'm not normally an emotionally fragile person, but this hit me harder than I was anticipating. I'm used to having a ton of things on my plate, I'm a get-up-and-go, light-a-fire-under-other's-seats, adapt-to-anything kind of person, but there were days where I just went to bed in the middle of the afternoon because I couldn't deal.

I'd stayed with him for 3 months before we started our K-1 process, and didn't have any of these kinds of problems then, so I was really broadsided by how terrible this has been. I couldn't bear to watch the election coverage without feeling hysterical. It made me feel like I was on another planet, let alone in another country. I felt oppressed by the immigration flaming garbage that they put us all through, and beyond sick and tired of the US government having uninterested control over our life and future.

My point is that aside from the lack of good, cheap sushi restaurants, I didn't care about whether the milk was in jugs or bags, I missed having a life. Unless your girl is the type that thinks that being June Cleaver for an indeterminable length of time sounds like an awesome prospect, she's probably going to have trouble adjusting while the paperwork is in the administrative black hole. Try to be as supportive as you can and remember that if she appears to have been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with someone you don't know while the paperwork is pending, keep hope that she'll return to normal when it's done.

[ChloroPhil 0]

Thank you all for your input and suggestions, I'll take it all to heart. We've lived through the depression of being stuck in my apartment all the time and all the attendant worries of not knowing when paperwork will go through. Even though it will likely get worse when she comes back for good, at least we're somewhat aware of what to expect. Yes, it was HARD not to get upset when I came home and she hadn't upheld her end of our bargain; I work all day and she keeps house. Thankfully a little empathy, understanding, and communication went a long way in helping with that.

I've lived just a few hours south of Canada for most of my life and have visited quite a few times but I'm still ignorant of a lot when it comes to my Northern friends. What I could really use help with is gathering a list of Canada-specific goods that I can have around for her. Specific suggestions of things like HP Sauce (I love that stuff!!) and brands of familiar foods that I can have available for her when she gets here will be most helpful.

Oh, and don't be fooled by the Bermudian flag in my info. She's a dual citizen and just happens to be living with her family in Bermuda right now while we go through the immigration process.

Thank you!

Phil

[Krikit 1,165]

What I could really use help with is gathering a list of Canada-specific goods that I can have around for her. Specific suggestions of things like HP Sauce (I love that stuff!!) and brands of familiar foods that I can have available for her when she gets here will be most helpful.

Oh, well in that case..... here ya go:

Grocery Items Unavailable in the US

[jedinite 0]

ChloroPhil:

You mentioned her being a dual-citizen of Canada and Bermuda? Is she going to become an American too or just a resident? I heard that you can keep dual citizenship but you can't have triple-citizenship. Which is she planning on keeping?

Besides hobbies and being empathetic with your fiancee when she moves down, does has she or does she have any interest in courses or learning new things? I'm sure she is eligible to take classes at your local college or university, and it may be a good opportunity for her to expand her horizons and not just be cooped up all day. Plus, classrooms are full of new people she can meet and interact with. If she's not much of the academic-type, try enrolling her in a fun course like photography, not only keep you busy but it will give her a hobby which she can carry on afterwards. Heck, even if she is an academic person photography course is easy and enjoyable enough that it gives her something to do. It's about doing something and not just sitting around the house watching TV all day long and getting up at noon, not that she does this but we can all fall into that sort of trap when we aren't able to work and have nothing better to do. It's fun for the first week maybe, but after that it gets pretty lonely and boring.

Good activities to keep busy with during the day:

1) Working out - the gym is a good social environment if you have nothing to do, I notice a lot of young mothers workout during the day. A good chance to make new friends. Plus it will keep her in good shape and working out will help with endorphin levels, thus keeping her physiologically healthy and happy.

2) School - not exactly a fun activity for all but again it's a social environment and you're exercising your brain and learning new things.

3) Hobbies - depending on what her hobbies are it may give her a good chance to enjoy them. This maybe a more recluse thing to do since most hobbies are done solo unless you have a group you do them with. Photography, painting are good solo activities that we seem to have little time for while working.

4) Online gaming. Yes this may sound weird to you, but you'd be surprised how quickly time flies and how many "friends" you make online for certain games. It's kind of a scary suggestion though as it may make her happy but it might also make you less happy depending on how serious she gets into it. My wife and I used to play WoW too much, and it put a wedge between us and our relationship, because we'd socialize with our online friends more than we would with eachother, and it took away from our quality time and we both stopped working out, going for dates etc. But if you can control your online time, it's not a bad activity to burn time while she's waiting for you to come home from work.

Again good luck.

[thetreble 19]

I went into a severe depression that has lifted now that I have my EAD, and I haven't even applied for any jobs yet. Just having options has made a world of difference. I tried to stay busy with housework and hobbies, but as the months dragged on and everything from my EI to our AOS package seemed to be hitting snags, I grew more and more depressed to the point where even responding to emails from friends and family was a tremendous effort. I'm not normally an emotionally fragile person, but this hit me harder than I was anticipating. I'm used to having a ton of things on my plate, I'm a get-up-and-go, light-a-fire-under-other's-seats, adapt-to-anything kind of person, but there were days where I just went to bed in the middle of the afternoon because I couldn't deal.

My point is that aside from the lack of good, cheap sushi restaurants, I didn't care about whether the milk was in jugs or bags, I missed having a life. Unless your girl is the type that thinks that being June Cleaver for an indeterminable length of time sounds like an awesome prospect, she's probably going to have trouble adjusting while the paperwork is in the administrative black hole. Try to be as supportive as you can and remember that if she appears to have been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with someone you don't know while the paperwork is pending, keep hope that she'll return to normal when it's done.

Wow-you just described exactly what happened to me. Were we living the same life? I became very depressed to the point where I would watch tv all day. After months of cleaning and cooking and shopping, I was tired of it. I love to work. I love making my own money. I was literally not getting up in the mornings and it became an okay thing to do. There were times where my husband would get pissed off but I feel bad for him because I started A LOT of arguments over me being severely bored and out of it. I had NO life and was trying to live through a guy who worked 70 hours a week!

When I started working everything changed. And now that I have a job I actually like, I'm probably in the best shape I've been in since I moved here. (by shape I mean MENTAL shape! The physical from sitting on my ### for a year still has yet to be changed)

Try making it possible for your wife to go home as much as possible. If she is doing AOS then she won't be able to but at the first chance she can, she has to go home. Make sure you encourage her to talk to her family and friends asap, as well as get out there and make new ones. This, however, is not easy. At our ages, trying to find new friends is almost impossible. But she should try.

[Krikit 1,165]

ChloroPhil:

You mentioned her being a dual-citizen of Canada and Bermuda? Is she going to become an American too or just a resident? I heard that you can keep dual citizenship but you can't have triple-citizenship. Which is she planning on keeping?

No, you can retain your citizenships. There's quite a few of us on here who are doing/have done it.

[trailmix 77]

As a couple that went through a rough patch during our engagement I would say have your own hobbies and activities with your own friends. That's not to say intentionally do things separately, but don't be joined at the hip 100% of the time, it will make you or her miserable because you'll both lose your individuality. For myself, I enjoy sports (surfing, snowboarding, basketball) which I usually do without her, and I'll probably take up photography when I return State-side as to keep myself occupied and our relationship fresh and healthy.

I agree with most of what has been said here, oh and krikit, as always, is spot on, with her advice and her foods spreadsheet

What you mention jedinite I find very interesting, I'm glad you you and your wife have found what works for you...but it doesn't describe a lot of relationships I know, everyone is different

[Galateia 1]

Besides hobbies and being empathetic with your fiancee when she moves down, does has she or does she have any interest in courses or learning new things? I'm sure she is eligible to take classes at your local college or university, and it may be a good opportunity for her to expand her horizons and not just be cooped up all day. Plus, classrooms are full of new people she can meet and interact with. If she's not much of the academic-type, try enrolling her in a fun course like photography, not only keep you busy but it will give her a hobby which she can carry on afterwards. Heck, even if she is an academic person photography course is easy and enjoyable enough that it gives her something to do. It's about doing something and not just sitting around the house watching TV all day long and getting up at noon, not that she does this but we can all fall into that sort of trap when we aren't able to work and have nothing better to do. It's fun for the first week maybe, but after that it gets pretty lonely and boring.

I don't know about your state, but we checked this out first thing as I naively thought that I could do this easily, as my husband is a PhD student and teaches classes at our local university.

I don't know about your financial situation, but without an EAD and dual income, we could not afford the International Student rate. Despite me being a spouse of a local resident and of one of their own instructors, I would still have to pay thousands of dollars more than US students or even out-of-state students, as I didn't have a greencard/not considered an official local resident.

So anyone who is planning on taking classes, please do the research to find out how much it costs a foreigner to take classes there to avoid a nasty shock and the dashing of your hopes.

One thing I did, before the non-Quebecois accent drove me away, was sign up on Livemocha for language instructions to keep my French. It's a free online course system for many second languages, reliant on a community that allows you to talk with native speakers of that language to help with your accent and correct your work, and you do the same for them.

I'll edit to add that my hobbies are woodworking on my miniature lathe and painting with oils. I live in an apartment complex with carpet. 'Nuff said.

Edited October 2, 2008 by Galateia

[ChloroPhil 0]

Hey folks,

I hear a lot of familar things in what you're all saying about your situations. Thankfully I think the hardest part is behind us. The next time she'll coming here will be from Kitchener with all her stuff and her caR. I'm SOOOOO glad she'll be having her car. It was pretty tough on both of us for the three months of her last visit when she depended on me for nearly all of her transportation. It turns out the buses here aren't as good as we once thought. Now she'll be able to get out on her own to explore our little corner of the world and do all the things she wants to do without feeling guilty about keeping me out and about after work.

Online gaming. Yes this may sound weird to you, but you'd be surprised how quickly time flies and how many "friends" you make online for certain games. It's kind of a scary suggestion though as it may make her happy but it might also make you less happy depending on how serious she gets into it. My wife and I used to play WoW too much, and it put a wedge between us and our relationship, because we'd socialize with our online friends more than we would with eachother, and it took away from our quality time and we both stopped working out, going for dates etc. But if you can control your online time, it's not a bad activity to burn time while she's waiting for you to come home from work.

You mentioned her being a dual-citizen of Canada and Bermuda? Is she going to become an American too or just a resident? I heard that you can keep dual citizenship but you can't have triple-citizenship. Which is she planning on keeping?

That's how we met. I wonder how many families Blizzard's going to claim responsibility for when all's said and done?

Citizenship is up to her. I can't imagine she'd want to live in a place where she couldn't express her political views via a vote so I would guess she'll get citizenship. When she looked into poly-citizenship she found out that there's no real way to renounce Bermudian citizenship and I can't imagine she'd do it for Canada. Nor would I want her to, her time in Canada shaped her into the woman she is today. Hell, our kids are probably going to have dual citizenship.

Krikit,

Thank you very much for that link. As long as she doesn't read this thread there'll be a nice surprise waiting for her when we get home.

[thetreble 19]

Hey folks,

I hear a lot of familar things in what you're all saying about your situations. Thankfully I think the hardest part is behind us. The next time she'll coming here will be from Kitchener with all her stuff and her caR. I'm SOOOOO glad she'll be having her car. It was pretty tough on both of us for the three months of her last visit when she depended on me for nearly all of her transportation. It turns out the buses here aren't as good as we once thought. Now she'll be able to get out on her own to explore our little corner of the world and do all the things she wants to do without feeling guilty about keeping me out and about after work.

I don't want to put a damper on things. I'm from Kitchener as well and pretty much lived there all my life before I moved here. K-W is a lot different than Georgia. I had my car with me but I still had no clue how to get to places. It took me awhile to get situation even with a vehicle.

You will find things will only settle once she is able to work.

[Emancipation 2]

My suggestion is find a GREAT local shoppe that sells organic things.. like a health food store, or someplace that doesn't contain products with High Fructose Corn Syrup. We spent almost a month looking for that type of store, and in the mean time I ate foods that tasted horrible

[Krikit 1,165]

Hey folks,

I hear a lot of familar things in what you're all saying about your situations. Thankfully I think the hardest part is behind us. The next time she'll coming here will be from Kitchener with all her stuff and her caR. I'm SOOOOO glad she'll be having her car. It was pretty tough on both of us for the three months of her last visit when she depended on me for nearly all of her transportation. It turns out the buses here aren't as good as we once thought. Now she'll be able to get out on her own to explore our little corner of the world and do all the things she wants to do without feeling guilty about keeping me out and about after work.

I don't want to put a damper on things. I'm from Kitchener as well and pretty much lived there all my life before I moved here. K-W is a lot different than Georgia. I had my car with me but I still had no clue how to get to places. It took me awhile to get situation even with a vehicle.

You will find things will only settle once she is able to work.

Heh heh. I still remember calling my husband at work from somewhere in Florida because I was lost. It was pitiful.

He: Where are you?

Me: I don't know.

He: Look around you. What's the name of the street you're on?

Me: I don't know. But there's a big tree to my left, and a grey building to my right.

He: *sigh*

Me: