Just need someone to listen

[SOCONFUSED08 0]

Hi,

I am not new to this site but I have chosen not to use my real name here as I just want someone to listen and maybe someone to care about my feelings. Some of you may know who I am by my story and that is ok but please if you do keep it to yourself.

Here goes, this is what I am going through and noone seems to care and noone listens. When I try to talk to my fiance he says .. dont start so I am in his country alone and I have noone to talk to about the feelings inside of me.

2 years ago I met my fiance on line, we fell in love, things were fantastic. On line he is so wonderful and so warm and caring and this was something that I needed so badly in my life and I was so pleased that someone like him could fall in love with me. We met for the first time in May of 07, he stayed with me for 2 weeks and it was lovely. He was just as he was online and when he would lay beside me at night and hold me close to him I felt safe and I felt for the first time in my life that things were going to be ok for me. He felt the same. He came to visit again a few months later and stayed for 2 weeks again. It was a little different this time but I thought it was my fears that he was to good to be true. During this visit he proposed to me and I said yes even though something inside was concerned, but I loved him so much that I pushed it aside as fear.

A few months later he came to live with me, things were rough but I do believe this is expected , he became homesic and it was hard for him not being able to work but he had brought some money with him to survive and he was helping me with all the bills etc. The plan was to be married , lawyer said get married and he can stay with you while the paperwork is being done so that was what we started to plan. The night before the wedding he got on a plane and went to his country without a note or anything , just disapeared. The next day he phoned to tell me where he was and we both cried for hours on the phone with each other and he couldnt understand why he did what he did and how he could have been so stupid because now he had overstayed his visa and would have a hard time returning to me. I forgave him even though it broke my heart. I had never felt such pain as I did that day.

6 weeks later I get on a plane, leaving behind nothing to return to. I gave up my home, my two jobs everything that I had worked so hard for. Now I look back and think what did I do? I jumped at love and I didnt think things through, my heart was so hurt that I wasnt thinking clearly.

I have now been here with him for 4 months and this is what is happening. He isnt the same, he isnt loving to me anymore. He has settled down into our relationship and is comfy and I know this isnt a bad thing but it still leaves me scared that he is going to do the same thing to me and just kick me out of his life again without notice. I know this is fear talking and I wish I could talk to him about it but when I try he just gets upset as he is still so upset with himself on what he did.

The changes that have started to happen are as follows. He always hugged me all the time and lots of kisses for no reason at all. that has stopped , he always sat and talked with me for hours , that has stopped, he always held me all night in bed , that has stopped, now he rolls over and snores lol. He comes home from work and gets on the pc until bedtime, I see the back of his head alot , yes I know I met him online so yes he is a puter person but some time with me would be nice once in a while. When I say this to him he gets upset and says can I do anything right for you.

Then there is the ex wife and the mother in law.... best friends them to are so I hear about her alll the time and that is ok as I do understand they are family. I am not allowed to be with him when he picks up his son as this may upset the ex. when she calls and needs something he jumps to help without even talking to me about it. This I have to learn to accept and let it go as it causes to many fights. I miss him, I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I dont know how to fix it.

Last night I said I love you to him and he replied * do ya * as a joke and I just smiled at him but inside I needed to hear the words I love you too. He use to say it all the time and now it is only when I say it to him and then only sometimes will he say it.

Now alot of you will probally think ... run girl , but remember that I do love him very much and I do believe he loves me its just that he isnt showing it like he use to. Yes I am old enough to know that things do calm down in a relationship and you do settle in. I have lived my life with men that was cold and when I met my fiance I thought those days were gone. Is this just the way it is? Is this the way relationships are suspose to go? Is this normal ?

Ok I have had my say and I do feel better for getting it out.. Thanks for listening ... hugs

[tallcoolone 102]

You already know the answer.

[Ana&D 0]

Oh, dear, am so sorry you are going through this all!

IMHO, you should talk it out with your SO. If you continue keeping all those feelings inside, you'll just be getting more and more depressed. See if you two can work it out! I sincerely hope so!

[Big Papa Zone 93]

The changes that have started to happen are as follows. He always hugged me all the time and lots of kisses for no reason at all. that has stopped

Normal

he always sat and talked with me for hours , that has stopped

Normal

he always held me all night in bed , that has stopped

Normal

now he rolls over and snores lol.

Definitely normal

Welcome to the reality of relationships after the initial honeymoon period, luv.

[tenderheartusa79 14]

Well first I'm so sorry to hear that.

why did he leave you the night before the wedding?

did you ever talk to him about that ? did he tell you good excuses about it ?? if not why you forgave him?

you are hearing about his ex wife and you think its ok but its not ok at all . why he still talking about her ? and you are not allowed to be with him when he picks up his son cause he cares about his ex wife he should care about you and about your feeling more than his ex. i think that hurts to not be allowed to be around his son.

you say ( i love you) to him and you waiting for his reply and he asked you do ya??? i think if he didn't say i love you too it means one thing ( he doesn't !!!!)

he doesn't show you any affections anymore no kisses no hugs and you just see his back on the bed!!! it doesn't sound like love at all .

you have to think about your question? do you think he will kick you out of his house? and it will be so hard for you this time . and i think you answered that question when you say Now alot of you will probably think ... run girl .

if you love him this much so give him another chance and try to talk to him to find out whats going on. and if you feel it will not work out good so i think you better go back home before he kick you out of his house .

my best wishes for you

Edited October 1, 2008 by Hot Guy

[IAMX 3,055]

It sounds to me like you're too paranoid, and as Damian P sort of iterated, expect this honeymoon phase to continue. If this is all you want, may I suggest having a new man every year or two and starting this process over again.

That's the reality many don't understand about long term relationships, and that is, the excitement eventually DOES go down to normal limits. A lot of those extra things one did that perhaps consumed a lot of extra energy aren't done anymore, and the basis of things turn from the exciting things to the every day things, and one should expect there to be flare, but nothing even remotely the same as when the relationship was in it's "introductory period". You're there every day with the person because through the monotony of life the love you have is undying, and just being next to the person is all that matters. If two people are in love, the rest fell, and continues to fall, in place. The one thing that's still there is effort and caring, but it seems after all this time you expect things to stay the same as they "were" and are not adjusting to the way things are "now".

Of course, this is just based on what you've said. I don't know everything else that's going on.

Edited October 1, 2008 by SRVT

[Big Papa Zone 93]

Exactly right, SRVT. I was trying to inject a little dry humour into my post, but the basis of it remains the same: passion, no matter how intense at first, always subsides after a while. It's then that you find out whether or not the actual foundations on which the relationship is built (hint: compatibility) are sturdy enough to sustain it. Much as I hate to say it, an awful lot of the couples on this site are gonna find that out the hard way.

Not trying to be a doom-monger, just saying it like it is.........

Edited October 1, 2008 by Damian P

[*JG* 2]

The honeymoon phase does eventually wear off as you settle into real life. However, some of that you mentioned is extreme. I agree that you seriously need to sit down and talk with him. I believe if you don't tell someone how you are feeling, it is your problem as they cannot possibly know what you are feeling until you tell them. Once you tell him, if things do not improve, then you need to make some decisions as to if this is how you want to live the rest of your life or not.

I am sorry. I am sure you had high hopes and things are not panning out.

I wish you the very best in finding what you truly want.

[KYlady 1]

Things can change a little as you become comfortable in day to day life with each other. An extreme change would be what I would question. The key is are you happy? The only person responsible for your happiness you. The people we share our time with can add to our happiness but we are in charge. No matter how much you love a person if they are not giving you the same in return it is hurtful. A true relationship is suppose to be equel on both sides. The only way you will fine out if your relationship is true is to sit down with the person you consider your partner and ask questions.

I wish you the best of luck!!

[KimandRuss 0]

I take a different stand as I don't think any of that is 'normal'.... and I was married and very much in love with my first husband for 20 years. Sure, things change but hopefully for the better... my love grows...not diminishes. Of course, my life has taught me to take nothing for granted...so I don't.

It's a problem when your spouse/partner doesn't care how you feel or listen to what you're saying. True, some people just like to complain and nag..and that can be a bit much, but that doesn't sound like what you're doing. Is it? Is that what's turning him off the important discussions you're wanting to have?

If you dont do anything it will continue to build up in you (hence your posting under a different name for advice ) and it will get even worse and you'll be deeper into it.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved. You deserve to get back what you give to this relationship. We're not there and we're only hearing one side but it sounds like only one of you is fighting for this.

People want different things from life. Some people are content with just a few words or a peck on the cheek here and there. No real communication or care... just someone to share their life and the bills with. Very much like you, I want to crawl into the arms of the man I love at the end of the day and for everything else to just be ok. Like you, I want that one person I know I can depend on any time.. no matter what. I wouldn't settle for less because I know how important that is.... sounds like you feel the same.

Anyway, I have no real advice except to say that if he doesn't listen to you now... well, thats not going to change just because you want it to. Don't let him take from you what you know you want and deserve for your life.

mbk

[IAMX 3,055]

People want different things from life. Some people are content with just a few words or a peck on the cheek here and there. No real communication or care... just someone to share their life and the bills with. Very much like you, I want to crawl into the arms of the man I love at the end of the day and for everything else to just be ok. Like you, I want that one person I know I can depend on any time.. no matter what. I wouldn't settle for less because I know how important that is.... sounds like you feel the same.

This I think any rational person should expect (being a sappy romantic person I can't go a day in the same HOUSE as a loved one without being them hugs). But it sounds to me like the OP wants something relative to the first year or two of a relationship and they seem overly bothered by what should have been expected, and that is the original flare to die down. Sometimes it's a slow and gradual change, sometimes it's a pretty quick shift.

Unless this person is displaying behavior that would be indicative of not appreciating her, taking her for granted, the usual stuff that really has no place in a relationship at all, everything she said about snoring, less kisses, etc. is something to be expected coming down from the honeymoon phase.

To the OP, if you have problems with something, merely talk to him. And because he's a guy, if talking to him does not work, kick him in the balls. Some learn by words, others by pain. If he's a good husband, he does that thing called 'listening', which is something you should have picked up on while in the relationship all this time.

I'm personally the type to where if I even have a remote problem with something I talk about it. Get it out of the way. I also got my SO used to this as well, even though in her last relationship she couldn't do it because of the other person telling her to shut up and stop whining. Let that person get used to you vocalizing things. That's the only way people adjust to each other, and communication is e-ssen-tial. So if you're not saying anything, most certainly expect nothing to change if something is really going amiss.

Edited October 1, 2008 by SRVT

[StillThePrettiest 3]

I'm with KimandRuss... I think a lot of the above posters were far too flippant, and dismissive, of someone who is really hurting, and not just over imagined slights or issues... OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I don't think the level of change you're talking about is normal either... of course, every person is different, and of course things settle into everyday ways and they're not always as exciting as they were at the beginning, but it sounds like he's not even considering your needs... that alone is a problem; if you're in a partnership and your partner isn't considering you and your feelings, that's not 'normal', however much people want to tell you it is!

You need to talk to him... I don't know him, so I don't know how receptive he'll be to hearing what you have to say, but it doesn't sound like he's going to change on his own. That may just be because he genuinely doesn't understand how he's coming across, and/or doesn't realise how things have shifted and how you're feeling about them, or the problem may be deeper... however, the only way you're going to find out is to ask him.

All the best

[Big Papa Zone 93]

telling her to shut up and stop whining.

Normal

[IAMX 3,055]

telling her to shut up and stop whining.

Normal

The guy also locked himself in the bathroom when they'd have an argument and would stay there for hours.

I think he redefined "normal".

[Big Papa Zone 93]

telling her to shut up and stop whining.

Normal

The guy also locked himself in the bathroom when they'd have an argument and would stay there for hours.

I think he redefined "normal".

As long as he took a newspaper in there with him, then that definitely comes under the "normal" parameter!

This guy is my hero.........