"Happily ever after"

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I'd say that "happily ever after" is a fantasy more than a myth.

I guess my view of relationships is practical. I don't believe in the concept of a lifelong soul mate, for example (then again, I don't believe in fate or souls either. Hmm...).

The idea that a marriage should be based on love and compatibility is a relatively recent development, which explains away the high divorce rate pretty well. For many couples, a relationship is an experience that runs a course; fall in love, have great years together, grow apart, relationship ends. Start over with someone else. Somtimes it's worth it for both parties to keep it together, and sometimes it isn't.

Any number of things can drive people apart, and keep them together. There are so many variables.

I'm not really a romantic in the dictionary definition sense of the word.

An unhappy marriage isn't necessarily a sign that the relationship has run its course, but rather an indication that both spouses need to modify their behavior within the relationship where both are getting their needs met.

[bhajishah 4]

depends on your definition of "happiness" and if that definition is realistic....i know one thing, it sucks being a widow, been there done that...who do you share simple things with ie sip of tea, look at the mountain, or sunrise. etc with. are you able to enjoy these things when ;you are alone. if you do marry again the person is a stranger until you able to realize his her uniqueness. because no one can be replaced... If you just married for sexy love then how long will this last..many factors to consider in "hapiness" or ever after. Allah does not make true give all die all connections with others, this special place is kept for HIM alone. So the persuit of true Happiness ends and begins @ death..

[natty bumppo 297]

I always hear from my coworkers -who have been married for at least a decade-, how they are not really happily married, how they'd rather work than being home all day with their retired husbands.

It made me think...I am extremely happy with my husband and if we could, we would spend more time together. But does married life goes all down hill from there? Do people fall out of love, in a routine or love is not made to last?

I have yet to see one long time married couple says it was the best decision they ever made.

Inputs?

you have old co-workers ...

do their husbands have a life? Or are they co-dependent ?

[Empress of Groovy 373]

I'd say that "happily ever after" is a fantasy more than a myth.

I guess my view of relationships is practical. I don't believe in the concept of a lifelong soul mate, for example (then again, I don't believe in fate or souls either. Hmm...).

The idea that a marriage should be based on love and compatibility is a relatively recent development, which explains away the high divorce rate pretty well. For many couples, a relationship is an experience that runs a course; fall in love, have great years together, grow apart, relationship ends. Start over with someone else. Somtimes it's worth it for both parties to keep it together, and sometimes it isn't.

Any number of things can drive people apart, and keep them together. There are so many variables.

I'm not really a romantic in the dictionary definition sense of the word.

An unhappy marriage isn't necessarily a sign that the relationship has run its course, but rather an indication that both spouses need to modify their behavior within the relationship where both are getting their needs met.

That's true. My scenario was a simplified version of what happens in many relationships, certainly not all.

[Lili 3]

I always hear from my coworkers -who have been married for at least a decade-, how they are not really happily married, how they'd rather work than being home all day with their retired husbands.

It made me think...I am extremely happy with my husband and if we could, we would spend more time together. But does married life goes all down hill from there? Do people fall out of love, in a routine or love is not made to last?

I have yet to see one long time married couple says it was the best decision they ever made.

Inputs?

you have old co-workers ...

do their husbands have a life? Or are they co-dependent ?

lol Old coworkers nah...

Their husbands have a life, earn more than their spouses... it just saddens me to see people who let life in general, get in the way of their relationships. I think it is what happened in my coworker's cases. They let kids, jobs and other things get in the way of their relationship and I do believe after a while, there is a point of no return.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I always hear from my coworkers -who have been married for at least a decade-, how they are not really happily married, how they'd rather work than being home all day with their retired husbands.

It made me think...I am extremely happy with my husband and if we could, we would spend more time together. But does married life goes all down hill from there? Do people fall out of love, in a routine or love is not made to last?

I have yet to see one long time married couple says it was the best decision they ever made.

Inputs?

you have old co-workers ...

do their husbands have a life? Or are they co-dependent ?

lol Old coworkers nah...

Their husbands have a life, earn more than their spouses... it just saddens me to see people who let life in general, get in the way of their relationships. I think it is what happened in my coworker's cases. They let kids, jobs and other things get in the way of their relationship and I do believe after a while, there is a point of no return.

I agree...although it's not too hard to take your relationship for granted...everyone does from time to time, but hopefully, most married couples throw some cold water on their faces and work/fight hard to make the relationship a priority, even above children.

[rebeccajo 14]

No it doesn't exist because 'ever after' implies till the end of time.

You will die before that.

And also, time doesn't end.

You are so literal................

[Y's_habibitk 2]

“Marriage is not a love affair. A love affair is a totally different thing. A marriage is a commitment to that which you are. That person is literally your other half. And you and the other are one. A love affair isn’t that. That is a relationship of pleasure, and when it gets to be unpleasurable , it’s off. But a marriage is a life commitment, and a life commitment means the prime concern of your life. If marriage is not the prime concern, you are not married.â€

~ Joseph Campbell

I like this Joseph Campbell guy

heh

I was just having this conversation with a coworker.

To me, living happily ever after is going through this life, good bad and ugly...with my husband.

He is my partner and best friend. I know that giddy feeling will fade and we will be left with true,committed love!

hee hee, pretty mushy but I cant help it

Lisa

Edited November 12, 2008 by Y_habibitk

[Scott & Lai 12]

I always hear from my coworkers -who have been married for at least a decade-, how they are not really happily married, how they'd rather work than being home all day with their retired husbands.

It made me think...I am extremely happy with my husband and if we could, we would spend more time together. But does married life goes all down hill from there? Do people fall out of love, in a routine or love is not made to last?

I have yet to see one long time married couple says it was the best decision they ever made.

Inputs?

you have old co-workers ...

do their husbands have a life? Or are they co-dependent ?

lol Old coworkers nah...

Their husbands have a life, earn more than their spouses... it just saddens me to see people who let life in general, get in the way of their relationships. I think it is what happened in my coworker's cases. They let kids, jobs and other things get in the way of their relationship and I do believe after a while, there is a point of no return.

I think Natty is referring to your speaking of your coworker's husbands being retired...most people don't retire till they are older.

I always hear from my coworkers -who have been married for at least a decade-, how they are not really happily married, how they'd rather work than being home all day with their retired husbands.

It made me think...I am extremely happy with my husband and if we could, we would spend more time together. But does married life goes all down hill from there? Do people fall out of love, in a routine or love is not made to last?

I have yet to see one long time married couple says it was the best decision they ever made.

Inputs?

you have old co-workers ...

do their husbands have a life? Or are they co-dependent ?

lol Old coworkers nah...

Their husbands have a life, earn more than their spouses... it just saddens me to see people who let life in general, get in the way of their relationships. I think it is what happened in my coworker's cases. They let kids, jobs and other things get in the way of their relationship and I do believe after a while, there is a point of no return.

I agree...although it's not too hard to take your relationship for granted...everyone does from time to time, but hopefully, most married couples throw some cold water on their faces and work/fight hard to make the relationship a priority, even above children.

So true that it should be this way, but so many get it backwards.

[Mononoke28 135]

I don't know about you but I don't discuss my marital problems with the people I work with. It's just a gossip pot that will boil endlessly. I keep my private life private, as hellish or as wonderful as it may be.

Diana

[Jenn! 918]

Hmmm, well not *literally* your other half!

ETA: Yeah, I read it again, and I like it even less. If marriage is not your prime concern, then you're not married? Huh?

Other half means you are half of something larger than yourself - the marriage, which should take priority over the self. The paradox is that both partners, if they put each others needs before their own, then both partners are getting their needs met through the marriage.

...also, I think he meant that if you truly aren't committed to the marriage, then it's not really a marriage...that makes sense to me.

What you're saying makes sense (to an extent), but I don't think that's what he said. If you ask someone what their "prime concern" is, would they really say, "my marriage"? Maybe they would say, "my spouse". I guess thinking of marriage as an entity itself is not really how I look at it - as though the "marriage" is somehow separate from the two people involved in it.

It's metaphorical but makes logical sense when described as something larger than ourselves (the marriage), IMO. Our self preservation and ego can work against that. Also, if the primary concern was your spouse, you could actually be working against the marriage if your focus was primarily on them and not on the welfare and well being of the marriage itself.

I'll have to disagree with you that it makes logical sense. It seems like more of a spiritual or religious standpoint.

[chri'stina 190]

My parents have been married 26 years(oops or 25? hehe) and they are still each others best friend and have not regretted it one day of their lives. There are a lot of miserable people in the world who want to rain on your parade. All you can do is take one day at a time to prove that there are still happily married people out there. Only time will show people, people saying "We're so happy" doesn't mean anything to them.

[Mononoke28 135]

I also think movies and the media have a lot to do with it. They portray marriage and relationships as these wonderful fairy tales that are unlikely to happen in real life. Yes there's love but the butterflies go away with time, it's a natural thing for that to happen. So then what? You focus on the good and remind yourself that the bad will go away with time.

Many people don't have the patience to work on their relationship so that's why they take the easy way out.

Diana

[EstebanTrabajos 7]

Happily ever after, prince charming, sleeping beauty, etc belong to Disney

That's the reason why there are so many divorces nowadays, people idolize their partners and when they find out they are humans with flaws and NOT perfect, their bubble pops and their marriage pops.

Ups, downs, turns, disagreements, arguments will take place, and more because you are cohabitating with a person other than yourself. Point here is to learn from each other's mistakes, understand that life and especially your partner isn't perfect and love each other

That's what I tell my friends when they express their feelings like "Ohhh he/she is perfect, I have never found somebody like her/him, our marriage will be perfect"

I just tell them, "wait 1 year of living together and let's see if the word perfect is still mentioned"

Edited November 12, 2008 by TävôLuDô

[caybee 21]

The butterflies go away, but they don't necessarily stay away. There's nothing like cruising along in the mundane (even boring) "old married couple" routine with your best friend, and then one day looking over at him and suddenly feeling a zap in your heart like you're 17 again, OMG. True love is patient and kind and steadfast and all those things that philosophers have mulled over forever, but there's no reason not to get those butterflies from time to time, even in the fifth or sixth decade together.

And I agree, perfect is a very bad word. Another media-driven pitfall is the idea that the hero (or heroine) will somehow read their beloved's mind, and say or do just the right thing at just the right moment -- perfect words, perfect gifts, perfect responses, every conflict tied up neatly with a bow at the end of 30 minutes or an hour and a half. If hubby and I could read minds, we'd each be in a different line of work.