Girlfiends girlfiend has problems/ need help

[HannahP 119]

tried to edit my last post, but wasn't able to, so am adding more of an explanation:

The graphic Jabberwock presented is not a universal crystal ball. It is not applicable to all situations. This graphic is generally only applicable when dealing with sociopaths. They are a special group of people who take pleasure in bringing pain to others.

Bi-polar is not sociopathy. This situation could remain static with only one feature (isolation). It could be that this guy just can't get his head clear for long enough to make his life work, much less the needs of his wife. It could be that he just shuts down on the entire world as a self-protective mechanism. He is isolating himself, and only isolating her by extension. This does not sound like abuse, more a cry of distress on the part of the husband.

He isn't necessarily deliberately, or even subconsciously abusing her. If he is on SSI for bi-polar, he can't even manage his own life, much less develop hers. Bi-polar is a mental disorder that can be treated with medication. Getting people to take the medication is problematic, at best.

The bottom line is that the guy doesn't need to be villified. He needs to be medicated. A new wife with no outside assets cannot force this on a typical bi-polar. She needs to bail in prder to protect her future, but she should try to have sympathy while walking out the door.

Ffff. Sociopathy falls under the broader spectrum of lack of empathy, not taking "pleasure in bringing pain to others" (sadomasochism) although you can obviously be a sociopath and a sadomasochist. You can also be a sociopath and someone with bipolar disorder as one is a personality disorder while the other is a mood disorder. You can also be a jerk and have bipolar disorder without being a sociopath. Etc. None of these labels are mutually exclusive! Abuse can be rendered by sociopaths, but all it really takes is plain ol' jerk-ness.

Obviously, we don't know enough about the situation to know whether it's really abuse. Even in cases of what seems like clear-cut abuse, there are two sides to every story. At the end of the day, if he is isolating her but not isolating himself, than it's probably abuse.

[Caladan 19]

at the end of the day, who cares? It's not going to make much of a difference to her quality of life whether he's doing it because he's mentally ill or if he's doing it because he's a jerk. Either way, it's unhealthy for her to be a prisoner who isn't allowed to go out, work, or get legal and is supposed to cook clean and put out on demand.

To the OP: the woman sounds like she needs to get out; this might be harder than just making a phonecall. Does your girlfriend have friends that could help her leave and get to a shelter or a place to stay?

[cieloazul 0]

I think most larger cities have women's shelters staffed with people who can give her advice on her options. If you could post the city maybe someone could post the 800 number for the shelter?

[Pet 0]

Thank you all again.

As far as we can tell, she has ABSOLUTELY no friends or acquaintances there. She has not been able to do anything as simple as going across to the 7-11 alone.

She is located in "Morristown Connecticut" according to my gf. Does not come up on Google", so could be mispronunciation.

Also, she has sworn my gf to secrecy so as not to upset her family in Phils.

I am also aware that the guy refuses to take the meds he admits he is supposed to.

Thanks again.

It is my understanding that she is going to "run"

Good idea or no? ( I assume it will be to local PD)

Gratefully,

"Pet"

[ebonyqueen 0]

Obviously he needed a co-sponser for the Affidavit of Support if his only income is SSI. Does she have access to the original petition to know who that co-sponser was...friend, family? Certainly someone has to be aware she is being held captive...if its true. (neighbors, family, friends etc.) If she has access to talk to family online, she can get help online as well. She needs to tell someone...speak out. Send out emails or call to police, shelters, lawyers, the newspapers, the media, churches, hospitals. If this is truly as terrible as described...she may be in trouble or harmed if she does not comply with his wishes, especially if he has a mental illness that is not being treated.

If she is going to try to make a run for it, she had better have a plan...like where she will go, and how she will get there. And hopefully have someone to help her. I am assuming there is another side to the story too, as I find it hard to believe someone didnt see some red flags beforehand that may have been "overlooked" or "explained away" . Not that it justifies this treatment by any means, but without knowing the full story there may not be not such a clear answer.

Bottom line is if she feels she is being victimized against her will...she needs to leave the situation...then worry about her future status once she is safe and can get some legal advice. If it were me, I would try to raise some money from family, organizations/churches etc....and go home to my child.

[Laura+Tom 2]

Isn't your girlfriend her friend? Maybe she can help in some way.

[Pet 0]

No, my gf is in Digos City........she does tell me that her friend has 2 sisters in the US, but is not providing them with the same information. Only says that the gf "is trying to understand him." Whether it's unique trait of a Filipina, I don't know. She knows that she should have applied for AOS and EAD 3 months ago(she cant because she's broke because he will not allow her to work.) She knows that he does not want children now (hers is still in Davao somewhere with parents) She goes on Yahoo to my gf, (but that does not mean she is internet savvy) and she is planning to get out ASAP.

Thanks for all the replies.

I have forwarded most to my gf in hopes she can convince her friend to call Legal Aid in whatever town in Connecticut she is in.

Pet

[Beautiful_years 0]

Fast....

women shelter, or return home to your precious child, but take away his game console and computer when you leave!

I mean her.

[khengool 0]

Isn't this how a lot of marriages of convenience end up working out?

This is why meeting the man of your dreams on Yahoo Messenger who will whisk you away to America and help your impoverished family back home is a bad idea.

This is the converse of the case where the little MENA guy who is HALF the petitioner's weight and age treats her like ####### and demands a divorce after POE.

Seriously people, if your story is anything like these, do everyone (yourself included) a favor and abandon/cancel your petition. You're only clogging up the system for everyone else.

[Zee Bee 61]

If her situation is so dire that she is thinking of going to a shelter why is she not asking her sisters for help? If anything they can get her out and help with some money or something if they can.

Why communicate with someone who cannot help her? I don't know how her sisters got here, but they can at least do something because they are here.

No, my gf is in Digos City........she does tell me that her friend has 2 sisters in the US, but is not providing them with the same information. Only says that the gf "is trying to understand him." Whether it's unique trait of a Filipina, I don't know. She knows that she should have applied for AOS and EAD 3 months ago(she cant because she's broke because he will not allow her to work.) She knows that he does not want children now (hers is still in Davao somewhere with parents) She goes on Yahoo to my gf, (but that does not mean she is internet savvy) and she is planning to get out ASAP.

Thanks for all the replies.

I have forwarded most to my gf in hopes she can convince her friend to call Legal Aid in whatever town in Connecticut she is in.

Pet

[Steph0814 1]

Sorry If I sound harsh, BUT was she aware about his condition and did she then research it to see if she could handle it? How could she not know that he is living off of SSI ? How does one not know these things during the year long process of the K-1? Before she got here?

I am sorry but she is just as responsible for this mess.

For some reason the more I read these stories the more I am wondering if these are "paid arrangements"..

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Isn't this how a lot of marriages of convenience end up working out?

This is why meeting the man of your dreams on Yahoo Messenger who will whisk you away to America and help your impoverished family back home is a bad idea.

This is the converse of the case where the little MENA guy who is HALF the petitioner's weight and age treats her like ####### and demands a divorce after POE.

Seriously people, if your story is anything like these, do everyone (yourself included) a favor and abandon/cancel your petition. You're only clogging up the system for everyone else.

Do you really think that the abuse happens while in the process stage?! I think it usually is only apparent AFTER the spouse comes.

who knows..

back to topic

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I think you got a lot of good advise and I do have to agree with someone that she must have known something of his situation. If he has no money to buy her anything or adjust her status or whatever.. how did he pay for a trip to meet her, pay for her ticket out here and pay for the petition to begin with?

So, if he indeed is refusing to supply her with basic needs, perhaps its not that he "doesnt have the money" but rather he simply wont buy them for her.

If I was this woman, I would leave in the middle of the night and go to a shelter. Seek legal aid, and find a church or some other agency and ask for assistance for a plane ticket home..to my son! Or go to the local USCIS office and explain the situation and ask what to do. ???

lisa