Engagement Over....

[MichelleN 0]

So my fiance came out for a visit last week. This was going to be the first time we'd been together since April and the first time seeing each other on happy terms since last September. We had a huge fight last year and he went back to Japan. During the time, he refused to have anything to do with our daughter who he'd only seen once. About a few weeks after returning to Japan, he contacted me and wanted to try and make things work. I was hesitant at first since we had such a huge falling out the time before. But I decided to give it another try because he was a nice guy and I thought I might still have feelings for him. Most of all though, I wanted our daughter to have a daddy. So we continued our renewed relationship online and started the Visa process. The whole time I was still feeling unsure but was confident it was because we were apart and that as soon as he came out for a visit, everything would blossom.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case...he came out, was completely excited, happy, in love. And I was....sick because I realized then and there I had no feelings for him. It took a few days but I finally got the courage to sit down with him and tell him how I felt. I was just so guilt ridden, I couldn't believe it. I felt like I was ruining his life and the life of our daughter. But...my family told me it wasn't good for her for me to enter into a marriage with someone I didn't love and would be unhappy with. Of course, he was angry, hurt. What really struck me though was his initial thoughts were about the job opportunities he lost because of this process. I told him he could still be part of the baby's life. That I wouldn't stop him or his family from visiting her or contacting her. But he said no. That there was no way for him to be involved in her life since we weren't married. He kept saying that it was my choice to keep him out of her life (ie not marrying him). He also started talking about how he wanted me to sign something saying I wouldn't go after him for child support. And that hurt. But...it wasn't surprising. He said the exact same response before she was born and we had our big fallout.

So...engagement's over and he has so far refused to be part of her life at all. Which I find just...appalling.. He says it's not normal for a father to be part of a child's life when he's not married to the mother. That in Japan, when a woman gets pregnant, it's the man's duty to propose marriage. If she refused, the child was no longer the responsibility of the man, since he had done his part in offering marriage. I know this wasn't why he wanted marriage, he really did love me a lot. Which made this even more difficult on me. I'm just filled with guilt over hurting him so bad but at the same time, angry at him for denying his own daughter and thinking only about money.

I'll be canceling the application soon. Probably hang out here some more but I don't know.

[trinket 30]

Sorry to hear about your situation , but may be its for the best as your family have said.

Please do take care of yourself and your daughter.

[MzMo1102 0]

Aww Michelle Im so sorry to hear that! Your family is right though, it wouldn’t be good for your daughter or yourself if you were unhappy and entered into marriage. Understandable how you wanted to make it work so your daughter has a father figure around, but if you’re not happy – don’t force it, it may only end up worse later on and may even regret it all together. Besides, where’s his moral sense if he’s not willing to have anything to do with his own child “just because” you choose not to get married? It’s not the child’s fault! If he really did love you enough, he’d respect your decision for you to be happy whilst maintaining to be a good father regardless if he was married to you or not. I just wish the best for you and your daughter!

[LuckyDucky 0]

I'm very sorry to hear it didn't work out.

[Ngoc-Anh 1]

sorry to hear about your situation!!

First of all think about what is important to you and your daughter...this is what matters.

in regard of being in your daughter's life.....you do not need to be married to be involved in your daughter's life.

Good luck!

[*JG* 2]

So my fiance came out for a visit last week. This was going to be the first time we'd been together since April and the first time seeing each other on happy terms since last September. We had a huge fight last year and he went back to Japan. During the time, he refused to have anything to do with our daughter who he'd only seen once. About a few weeks after returning to Japan, he contacted me and wanted to try and make things work. I was hesitant at first since we had such a huge falling out the time before. But I decided to give it another try because he was a nice guy and I thought I might still have feelings for him. Most of all though, I wanted our daughter to have a daddy. So we continued our renewed relationship online and started the Visa process. The whole time I was still feeling unsure but was confident it was because we were apart and that as soon as he came out for a visit, everything would blossom.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case...he came out, was completely excited, happy, in love. And I was....sick because I realized then and there I had no feelings for him. It took a few days but I finally got the courage to sit down with him and tell him how I felt. I was just so guilt ridden, I couldn't believe it. I felt like I was ruining his life and the life of our daughter. But...my family told me it wasn't good for her for me to enter into a marriage with someone I didn't love and would be unhappy with. Of course, he was angry, hurt. What really struck me though was his initial thoughts were about the job opportunities he lost because of this process. I told him he could still be part of the baby's life. That I wouldn't stop him or his family from visiting her or contacting her. But he said no. That there was no way for him to be involved in her life since we weren't married. He kept saying that it was my choice to keep him out of her life (ie not marrying him). He also started talking about how he wanted me to sign something saying I wouldn't go after him for child support. And that hurt. But...it wasn't surprising. He said the exact same response before she was born and we had our big fallout.

So...engagement's over and he has so far refused to be part of her life at all. Which I find just...appalling.. He says it's not normal for a father to be part of a child's life when he's not married to the mother. That in Japan, when a woman gets pregnant, it's the man's duty to propose marriage. If she refused, the child was no longer the responsibility of the man, since he had done his part in offering marriage. I know this wasn't why he wanted marriage, he really did love me a lot. Which made this even more difficult on me. I'm just filled with guilt over hurting him so bad but at the same time, angry at him for denying his own daughter and thinking only about money.

I'll be canceling the application soon. Probably hang out here some more but I don't know.

What a huge load of BS his response to you is. He's trying to force you into something now. That's just not right. And, honestly, it sounds like he now knows what could've been, and not necessarily with the two of you in it, and he wants it. His loss. He does not deserve you or your daughter.

I wish you the best in both of your futures.

[JonasMichaels 0]

Culture or Marriage should not play a role in a father's love toward his CHILD. That is ridiculous. You were right to not want to marry this person, any good man would want to be part of his child's life regardless of ALL other circumstances.

Jonas

[luckytxn 2,264]

Hate to hear about the terrible outcome.

On another note. Your story should help others to show why at one time it was considered a good thing to wait to have kids until after one is married. Sure sometimes things happen and one gets pregnant but the culture here in the states for a long time now has been to do whatever whenever and damn the outcome. Now you have a daughter that will have no birth father.

[HappyDancer 7]

BS indeed... You are better off without him.

[sara..... 371]

im sorry to hear about ur situation the guy was a jerk in the end but u have a very beautiful little girl i believe there is always a reason for what happens in life sometimes we never know what the reason was but in ur case u have the reason in front of u love her care for her and be happy..........

sara

[Giskat09 2]

i think as the father of the baby, you should allow him to see her once in awhile since HE is one of the reason why SHE was made.. Its about choices and chances and it would be good for you not to be selfish about your daughter. This will really and badly hurt your ex fiance... One day you might miss some chances.. If u dont want to marry then its fine but when it comes to the right of your ex fiance, he should see her and ur daughter shud recognize her real father which is ur ex fiance.

GOD bless and u have a cute baby anyways

[akdiver 3]

So, are you going to hit him up for child support? You know, sort of a "I don't have feelings for you anymore, but I still have feelings for your money" kind of thing?

Edited October 10, 2008 by akdiver

[LuckyDucky 0]

So, are you going to hit him up for child support? You know, sort of a "I don't have feelings for you anymore, but I still have feelings for your money" kind of thing?

I don't think we know enough of their situation to comment on child support. At the extreme case, perhaps their child was the result of a "perfect storm" where she was still conceived despite using every contraceptive and gizmo. More realistically, she was probably conceived because of a conscious decision to have a child or it was a "heat of the moment" with the knowledge that they intended to marry. In any case, both of them were sure of the fact that a potential result of having sex is to conceive a child. Since they were engaged, I'm assuming (which could be wrong) there was no force/coercion involved.

Most likely both parties were aware of what they were doing.

Why should the man be exempt from financially caring for the child? I'm sure he's in a lot of hurt from being rejected, but his daughter shouldn't be punished for her parents' inability to reconcile. The child shouldn't be a battleground for the parents. Sure, you can hate your ex-partner: make voodoo dolls, burn effigies, or do whatever it takes for your peace of mind, but all that should be set aside when it comes to the child.

That being said, if Michelle happens to be a multi-billionaire and her ex happens to be scratching out a living, I would hope she would not try to punish her ex by trying to take so much of his money as to make his life miserable. I still think he should be accountable for some portion, because I'd loathe to think of folks using the "I'm poor!" excuse to wantonly have lots of children with no consequences.

Edited October 10, 2008 by LuckyDucky

[akdiver 3]

I think whomever has custody should pay. If you don't want custody, you shouldn't pay. If you are forced to pay, then you should get half custody - and yes, even if that means the child moves to the other side of the planet for 6 months at a time.

If party A doesn't want custody and doesn't want to pay, and party B thinks he/she can't afford it on his/her own, then party B should give the child up for adoption to someone who CAN pay.

These people who want custody AND want someone else to pay are just about as unreasonable as it gets.

[LuckyDucky 0]

I think whomever has custody should pay. If you don't want custody, you shouldn't pay. If you are forced to pay, then you should get half custody - and yes, even if that means the child moves to the other side of the planet for 6 months at a time.

I agree with you that anyone who pays child support gets rights to custody, regardless of where either parent lives.

If party A doesn't want custody and doesn't want to pay, and party B thinks he/she can't afford it on his/her own, then party B should give the child up for adoption to someone who CAN pay.

There's some logical appeal to this and perhaps I can see it working in a perfect society, but I can't see it working in ours.

Who sets the threshold for when someone can afford it? (I'm assuming we don't rely on party B to make their own self-assessment.) Does this income threshold apply towards married couples, too? I would argue that it should apply, unless we can place a monetary value on a married home versus single-family home, but I think that opens up a can of worms.

The idea just seems to make people less accountable for their actions and having the government poke their nose into people's business. If you have a baby and can't take care of it, the government will step in, take it away and put it up for adoption. Personally, I'd rather people take more responsibility for their actions and not less.

Granted, the other extreme, where someone wants custody and have someone else pay for ALL of it, is unreasonable. I think both parents should have some responsibility, though. That's just my opinion, though.