Cheating

[vsmtghdy 2]

I think that 75% may be too high for a statistics. I would not generalize on this matter for Filipinas, this could happen in any relationship, in any demographics/culture/country. For such thing to happen, then the relationship is not for "real" in the first place. I have heard of some who prefers to get married with foreigners because of the possibility of being petitioned and to be in the US (and other countries for that matter), to get a "visa" and "green card". Some would also want to have relationships with foreigners to get "money" from them. I have also heard of some who are not "real women" (shown on a TV program in the Philippines), just pretending to be one so he/she can dupe a foreigner in sending him/her money. This has become like a business for them. But still, we should not generalize.

If you will talk to your wife because of fear that she could be one of these Pinays, just be wary, she may take this very personal. I married my husband because I love him, not because of his money or for the green card. I have a good job (Internal Medicine Specialist) in the Philippines and I gave that up and my family so I can be with him, to grow old with him. But if he (or anyone else) would in any way insinuate that I married him for any other purpose and that I would be cheating him... I will be offended.

For those of your friends that had been cheated on, that just means that the relationship is not for "real". And they are lucky if they have found this out early and have not petitioned or married these Pinays. It is always advisable to know your partners well, and be really sure that your partner (whether Pinay or from other Countries) that they are not just "using" you. Trust your heart but use your head as well.

[Jasman0717 9]

This was a question specifically to the Philippines group so would appreciate it if the person who initially moved it to off topic let it stay in the Philippines forum.

[Jasman0717 9]

JMHO, but in the context of immigration, I would surmise that a large percentage of these cheaters did not enter the marriage with bona fide intentions.

None of my friends' wives/girlfriends who cheated are in the U.S. The husband/boyfriend is living in the Philippines. I can probably live with not understanding the cheating if they aren't married but once you are married why cheat?

[Minya's wife 25]

JMHO, but in the context of immigration, I would surmise that a large percentage of these cheaters did not enter the marriage with bona fide intentions.

None of my friends' wives/girlfriends who cheated are in the U.S. The husband/boyfriend is living in the Philippines. I can probably live with not understanding the cheating if they aren't married but once you are married why cheat?

I would venture a guess that it has something to do with the allure of the forbidden?

-P

[Jasman0717 9]

I have a lot of friends married to Filipinas and so far about 75% of the Filipinas have cheated on their husbands. Is this a normal thing in the Philippines? One friend treated his wife like a queen and she still got a boyfriend on the side and was even renting an apartment for him using my friend's money. I just don't understand this cheating thing. I am going to have long discussions with my wife but wanted to get feedback here on this board too.

I am Filipina married to a USC. I have recently gotten my EAD & SS. I can work and earn my own money more than what my husband earns. In my opinion, those cheating women only married their husbands in the first place just to be able to get something from them like money or green card. I consider your friend's wife a liar and a thief and your friend has been deceived from the very start. I believe in a monogamous relationship and karma. If there will come a time that I or my husband is not happy anymore with our marriage and the possibility of working it out is not going to happen, I will let my husband know how I feel and ask for a divorce before starting any new relationship with someone else.

I used the 75% thingy because all my friends I know in the RP and their associates report that in the past year 15 Filipino/American couples living in the Philippines have broken up because the woman was cheating on her husband with a Filipino.

My friend doesnt' know when his wife started cheating but he really took good care of her. He gave her an ATM card so she could pull money from his bank here in the U.S. to pay bills and buy food and never questioned her for what she spent it on. He rented a huge compound out to the East of CDO that had a six bedroom house with two kitchens and a cloth washing area. He put in equipment that heated the water and even bought her a clothes washing machine. He had two maids for her, one for the house work and one for taking care of her son. He was so good to her so I was just totally shocked that she was cheating on him and even renting an apartment for her boyfriend. He got so discouraged that he just packed up and left so now she is half starving all the time. It is just a crazy action to do something like that and loose everything and makes no sense.

[Jasman0717 9]

Can't generalise. Happens everywhere. Some societies are open about it so it comes out in the open more. Some are not so its all hush hush.

Maybe I am over-reacting but in the last year so many of my friends living there have had their hearts broken. It is a much higher rate than I would have ever expected.

[iahmjpinoy 6]

JMHO, but in the context of immigration, I would surmise that a large percentage of these cheaters did not enter the marriage with bona fide intentions.

None of my friends' wives/girlfriends who cheated are in the U.S. The husband/boyfriend is living in the Philippines. I can probably live with not understanding the cheating if they aren't married but once you are married why cheat?

I guess the only way to find the answer to that(I'm sure there are lots of different reasons), is to wait for ppl who actually cheated and will admit to it and give you their reason for doing it.

And even then, I don't think their reason for doing it is going to be ok with you. As I see it, your belief is that cheating is wrong after you marry. I don't believe in cheating either... if you want out, then get out of a relationship then find someone else, it just makes it more complicated when it involves 3 ppl.. unless.. it's something else.. ah.. not ganna go there..lol..

Ingats!!

---IMO, I think alot of it has to do with temptation and how they grew up percieving a relationship.

Edited September 24, 2008 by iahmjpinoy

[Jasman0717 9]

JMHO, but in the context of immigration, I would surmise that a large percentage of these cheaters did not enter the marriage with bona fide intentions.

None of my friends' wives/girlfriends who cheated are in the U.S. The husband/boyfriend is living in the Philippines. I can probably live with not understanding the cheating if they aren't married but once you are married why cheat?

I guess the only way to find the answer to that(I'm sure there are lots of different reasons), is to wait for ppl who actually cheated and will admit to it and give you their reason for doing it.

And even then, I don't think their reason for doing it is going to be ok with you. As I see it, your belief is that cheating is wrong after you marry. I don't believe in cheating either... if you want out, then get out of a relationship then find someone else, it just makes it more complicated when it involves 3 ppl.. unless.. it's something else.. ah.. not ganna go there..lol..

Ingats!!

---IMO, I think alot of it has to do with temptation and how they grew up percieving a relationship.

My friend who just found out said his wife told him she was bored. Bored He was always taking her all over the place. They would go to several other islands and spend several days each at various beach resorts. I am just dizzy because this seems to be a reoccuring thing. I have been having some very deep conversations with my wife about this and she, like me, doesn't understand it.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Can't generalise. Happens everywhere. Some societies are open about it so it comes out in the open more. Some are not so its all hush hush.

Well said.

Found this interesting:

The husband's infidelity is a major concern in Filipino marriages (PCP II, 1992). Carandang (1987) notes that wives rank infidelity as the number one family stressor. Lacar (1993) reports that male infidelity is the most frequent reason for marital separation. Vancio (1980, 1977) cites male infidelity as a major issue for marital break-ups in Metro Manila. In the McCann Metro Manila Male Study (1995), half of the 485 male respondents reported having had extramarital affairs. Relucio (1995) in her in-depth interview with seven separated women, notes that "infidelity was found to be a common problem."

....

From the high incidence observed by colleagues of women seeking help due to the husband's infidelity, it seems that Filipino women of contemporary times are either running out of patience with the double-standard type of morality or are looking for more security and fulfillment in marriage than what the present socio-legal status accords a wife. The old reassurances have lost their validity.

...

The majority of the Filipinos disapprove of extramarital relations. Guerrero (1995) notes a large majority of the Filipinos (88 percent of the 1,200 respondents nationwide) disapproved of extramarital relations. In another survey, Acuna (1997) reports that a large majority (81%) of respondents disapproved of single parenthood among women. Ninety-six percent of the respondents (N:1,200 nationwide survey) disapproved of extramarital relations (Daylo-Laylo and Montelibano 2000; de Vera 1976). Ninety to ninety two percent of the women (N: 1,200 nationwide) consider maintaining a mistress, being a mistress, being a prostitute or using a prostitute, cheating on spouse as wrong (McCann, 1996).

....

Some Cross-cutting Themes from the Literature Review

The following themes are presented for consideration as background material for the topic of interest, the Filipino context of infidelity and resilience. The following themes have been chosen: A) infidelity as a gender issue; B.) Filipino male infidelity and its external environments: education, and migration and other challenges; C) Filipino male infidelity: marital dynamics; D) reasons why Filipino husbands stray; E) feelings about infidelity; and F). Filipino wife's resilience.

A. Infidelity as a gender issue. Data shows that marital infidelity is a major concern among Filipino married couples, especially in fast growing cities like Metro Manila or Iligan City. On the other hand, further observations show that this is largely a male gender phenomenon. Vancio (1980; 1977) reports that:

thirty-six percent of the males of the 368 respondents admitted to extramarital relations while only 2 percent of the females did so. The male respondents did not find that their extramarital relations were at variance with their marital involvement. About 85% of them said that their marriage was not in any danger of breaking up and actually the marriage had turned out better than they had expected.

While infidelity may be a major marital or family stressor especially for the wife, it does not mean that it is a problem from her husband's perspective.

While more men were engaged in extramarital relations, a husband is less tolerant or less forgiving when his wife becomes unfaithful. Lapuz (1977) comments that men can have sex outside the marriage, women should remain chaste (like a Madonna).

Carandang (1987) observes a gender-specific response with regard to marital stressors: "While the wives ranked asawa (husband) as the most frequent stressor among the four mentioned, the husbands ranked wives only as the fourth, or the least of four stressors." She underscores the difference in the role-specific response to family stressors:

While the wife needed attention and loyalty from her husband as she conscientiously performed her duties, the husband was more interested in activities outside of the family's scope, such as looking for jobs or for diversions in the form of extramarital relationships.

Lacar (1993) found that in his study of 769 respondents, "the idea of separation was initiated by the fathers 46.7 percent of the time; while the mothers did so only 19.5 percent of the time."

Alano (1995; 1994) in a nationwide study of 200 subjects reports that twenty-four percent of the participants stated that their fathers had an affair and none of the respondents admit that their mothers have had an affair. She continues: "Half of the males claim they have found the time to have been "sweet lovers" to women other than their wives. Extramarital affairs and dalliances are an inevitable eventuality in the eyes of many men."

Jocano (1994) indicates that "to most men, many of their flings or affairs are just pastimes and should not be taken seriously. They mean nothing. But not to women. They all mean very much to them."

The 1995 McCann Metro Manila Mate Study reports that extramarital affairs for men are inevitable. "He cannot control it." This inevitability for men is illustrated by a proverb quoted in the Aguiling-Dalisay, et. al (2000) study: "Bakit di tutukain kung palay na ang lumalapit sa manok?" (Why not peck the rice grain when it brings itself to the chicken?)

According to Dayan and Samonte (1998), their study of petitioners for nullity of marriage reported that:

Adultery for males seemed more blatant, almost natural, where males courted and sought out their female partners. Female petitioners, however, tended to feel more guilty, keeping it a secret. Unlike the males who actively courted, the female's affair was more happenstance, situation-bound, such as meeting an old boyfriend, or being closely thrown together by circumstances. Females also would prefer to go abroad to carry on the affair instead of remaining in the Philippines.

When the husband is confronted with marital infidelity, he defends himself by stating his expected and traditional gender role: "Ibinibigay ko naman sa inyo ang sweldo ko. Hindi ko naman kayo pinababayaan. Ano pa ang gusto ninyo? (I give you my salary. I take care of your needs. What else do you want?)." (Alano 1995, 1994).

more...

http://eapi.admu.edu.ph/eapr003/gonzales.htm

[iahmjpinoy 6]

My friend who just found out said his wife told him she was bored. Bored He was always taking her all over the place. They would go to several other islands and spend several days each at various beach resorts. I am just dizzy because this seems to be a reoccuring thing. I have been having some very deep conversations with my wife about this and she, like me, doesn't understand it.

Bored.. hmmm.. so they go to all these different places, islands, and spend several days there... I guess, I would have to say, how did they spend their time together.

When I was @ Boracay, I've seen couples go to the beach and end up doing their own thing. What I'm trying to say is, doesn't matter if you give someone everything you think they could want, if that person cares more about attention then possesion, then all that stuff ain't going to matter.

Just becuase someone comes from a poor situation(dont' know if your friends wife was in that situation), doesn't mean that if you buy them all this stuff and take them everywhere, they will be happy. Material things can only get you so far in a relationship, unless they are a gold digger, but that's another subject.... toinks!!!

Ingats ka pare!!

[bhajishah 4]

Dont worry grandpas, if she love you they will name the baby after you!!!

[envy_me 18]

My friend who just found out said his wife told him she was bored. Bored He was always taking her all over the place. They would go to several other islands and spend several days each at various beach resorts. I am just dizzy because this seems to be a reoccuring thing. I have been having some very deep conversations with my wife about this and she, like me, doesn't understand it.

BORED.. maybe you're just not understanding her statement..

maybe she said bored.. and it's not abt taking her to different and nicest places..

sometimes it's not abt the big things that you have and you get..

sometimes it's the simplest things that you want..

maybe you're friend means she's bored = she wants something more in their relationship..

we're not in their relationship, we dnt know what's happening in there..

maybe the way you see them, looks like there's no prob with the guy..

but then you'll never know..

Edited September 24, 2008 by envy_me

[Ban Hammer 13,343]

This was a question specifically to the Philippines group so would appreciate it if the person who initially moved it to off topic let it stay in the Philippines forum.

i just noticed that - it started off in the pi forum, went to ot, and now back. it's apparently wandering as much as some of the spouses you reference in the op

My friend who just found out said his wife told him she was bored. Bored He was always taking her all over the place. They would go to several other islands and spend several days each at various beach resorts. I am just dizzy because this seems to be a reoccuring thing. I have been having some very deep conversations with my wife about this and she, like me, doesn't understand it.

maybe she's bored in bed?

[envy_me 18]

maybe she's bored in bed?

this is what im thinking..

before i posted my reply a while ago..

Edited September 24, 2008 by envy_me

[Jasman0717 9]

maybe she's bored in bed?

this is what im thinking..

before i posted my reply a while ago..

Maybe but when we stayed with them there were always some interesting sounds echoing throughout the house At least she seemed to be having a good time

This was a question specifically to the Philippines group so would appreciate it if the person who initially moved it to off topic let it stay in the Philippines forum.

i just noticed that - it started off in the pi forum, went to ot, and now back. it's apparently wandering as much as some of the spouses you reference in the op

My friend who just found out said his wife told him she was bored. Bored He was always taking her all over the place. They would go to several other islands and spend several days each at various beach resorts. I am just dizzy because this seems to be a reoccuring thing. I have been having some very deep conversations with my wife about this and she, like me, doesn't understand it.

maybe she's bored in bed?

Someone moved it but I intended it to be for the PI because not all PI posters look in the OT forum so I moved it back.

My friend who just found out said his wife told him she was bored. Bored He was always taking her all over the place. They would go to several other islands and spend several days each at various beach resorts. I am just dizzy because this seems to be a reoccuring thing. I have been having some very deep conversations with my wife about this and she, like me, doesn't understand it.

BORED.. maybe you're just not understanding her statement..

maybe she said bored.. and it's not abt taking her to different and nicest places..

sometimes it's not abt the big things that you have and you get..

sometimes it's the simplest things that you want..

maybe you're friend means she's bored = she wants something more in their relationship..

we're not in their relationship, we dnt know what's happening in there..

maybe the way you see them, looks like there's no prob with the guy..

but then you'll never know..

He really seemed to attend to her every need but I didn't see what was happening behind closed doors so who knows. I just think it odd that several of my friends have achy breaky hearts now. Maybe there is a cheater bug going through the Philippines, at least on Mindanao