Martial Advice?

[lilsnobunny 0]

Hi, i've been lurking around here for awhile.. Just havent posted.

Having a rough time here lately...

I'm Canadian, I moved here 2 years ago, Married my husband, he American.. and we live in America have had good luck with the process so far.. got my 2 year green card back in the winter

I've been working at this job come a year in a few days.. and i've been stuck on the night shift, every time I ask them to change my shift to an earlier one.. they do it so i get off an hour earlier... greattt. It wouldn't be too much of a problem If my husband didn't work days, at least we have the weekends together... i think the schedule clash is a big part of the problem.

I recently bought a plane ticket to go home for a week in July, I'm going alone.. my husband's got to be at a wedding *and he promised me we'd go home this summer*.. so since we both only have a certain amount of vacation time, hes going to the wedding.. i'm not mad at him for it. After recent realizations I'm kind of glad.. although, ever since i bought the ticket.. the weeks have been sooo slow. and i've started to get really homesick.

I think our marriage has started to fall... has anyone else had troubles with there spouses family TRYING to change them? My husband and his mother have this long list of things I need to work on. I need to be: skinner, less shy, less dependant, less 'indecisive', less polite,.. etc.

He considers me to be dependant, because I'm trying to be affectionate with him, but he acts like its such a hardship to even let me cuddle with him.. once in a while..

They want me to be loud, and obnoxious

Yep he even considers me to be fat... i never really thought that I was, just average, i'm now finding myself to be very uncomfortable in my own skin. my husband works in the medical feild, so he tells me it's because of the some of thngs he sees in the surgery room.. mostly breast cancer, my family has a pretty bad history with that disease.

Alot of things we do are things he likes to do, which I don't mind i'm a really laid back person, so I'm usually up for anything. but alot of the things I enjoy, we never do.

Oh, and i'm the one stuck doing everything around the house.. yea, its great and then every once in awhile he criticizes me for the way i do things.. so i tell him to do it. but he doesn't.. I really didnt mind doing the housework, while i wasn't working, but now we both work fulltime jobs

He also has a really bad habit of correcting me when i don't pronounce certian words the way he does..

We've both got an awesome sense of humour, but hes not joking...

I've tried to talk to him about this, we talk and then voila! nothing ever changes.

I will be honest, a few times lately i've been so tempted to just buy a bus ticket and book it back home for awhile just to think...at least.

I all of the sudden, feel so lost as a person... I feel like i'm, not good enough for him as a person...

looking for some words of wisdom, or something.

Edited May 26, 2006 by lilsnobunny

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Hi, i've been lurking around here for awhile.. Just havent posted.

Having a rough time here lately...

I'm Canadian, I moved here 2 years ago, Married my husband, he American.. and we live in America have had good luck with the process so far.. got my 2 year green card back in the winter

I've been working at this job come a year in a few days.. and i've been stuck on the night shift, every time I ask them to change my shift to an earlier one.. they do it so i get off an hour earlier... greattt. It wouldn't be too much of a problem If my husband didn't work days, at least we have the weekends together... i think the schedule clash is a big part of the problem.

I recently bought a plane ticket to go home for a week in July, I'm going alone.. my husband's got to be at a wedding *and he promised me we'd go home this summer*.. so since we both only have a certrian amount of vaction time, hes going to the wedding.. i'm not mad at him for it. After recent realisations I'm kind of glad.. although, ever since i bought the ticket.. the weeks have been sooo slow. and i've started to get really homesick.

I think our marriage has started to fall... has anyone else had troubles with there spouses family TRYING to change them? My husband and his mother have this long list of things I need to work on. I need to be: skinner, less shy, less dependant, less indesicive, less polite.. etc.He considers me to be dependant, because I'm trying to be affectionate with him, but he acts like its such a hardship to even let me cuddle with him.. once in a while..

They want me to be loud, and obnixious

Yep he even considers me to be fat... i never really thought that I was, just average, i'm now finding myself to be very uncomfortable in my own skin. my husband works in the medical feild, so he tells me it's because of the some of thngs he sees in the surgery room.. mostly breast cancer, my family has a pretty bad history with that diease.

Alot of things we do are things he likes to do, which I don't mind i'm a really laid back person, so I'm usually up for anything. but alot of the things I enjoy, we never do.

Oh, and i'm the one stuck doing everything around the house.. yea, its great and then every once in awhilehe crritizes me for the way i do things.. so i tell him to do it. but he doesn't.. I really didnt mind doing the housework, while i wasn't working, but now we both work fulltime jobs

He also has a really bad habit of correcting me when i don't pronounce certian words the way he does..

We've both got an awesome sense of homour, but hes not joking...

I've tried to talk to him about this, we talk and then voila! nothing ever changes.

I will be honest, a few times lately i've been so tempted to just buy a bus ticket and book it back home for awhile just to think...at least.

I all of the sudden, feel so lost as a person... I feel like i'm, not good enough for him as a person...

looking for some words of wisdom, or something.

Well all marriages, even the 'best', go thru rough patches where you could cheerfully strangle your other half and bury him in lime.

But reading your post there was a line or two that leapt right out at me..which I highlighted above.

From what you've said, and I realise we're only getting your side of how it feels, he sounds rather controlling; and ####### is his MOTHER doing in the picture? There are TWO people in a marriage - not three, and certainly not 'mommy'..she is NOT part of your realtionship with him - she is a satellite; her 'list' should be consigned to where it belongs; the trash can. No wonder you feel 'dependent' if they have 'a list of things you need to work on'!!!

Good on you for telling him if he is gonna criticize the way you do things to do them himself - I had that with my first marriage - nothing I did seemed 'up to his standards' so he would 're-do' things After a while that wears you down, and you stop caring what they think as its always negative.

Why did he marry you if you apparently fail to live up to his 'shopping list'?

You are you, not some ideal of HIS (or his bloody mothers...); he fell in love with you as you ARE not what he imagined you COULD be; Sure we all like our mates to change a little in certain ways, but it has to be something they want to do to please us, and themselves, and not coercion or NAGGING.

Is he just really REALLY bad at expressing himself so his concern over HEALTH comes out as a tirade against weight?

As for 'less polite'.. I'm not sure what they can mean with that..do they actually mean for you to stand up for yourself more, as in more confident? Cos that sure ain't happening while they are busy knocking you down is it? Shy and timid slot in there as well - you can't be less so if you feel so undervalued!

Make a list of your own, #1 should be 'your mother stays out of our business unless invited to comment', and the rest should be your husband needs to more considerate, less of an a$$, and more affectionate.

Next time you have 'the talk', try and insist that change works BOTH ways - if he won't, then you ain't gonna!

*hugs*

Edited May 26, 2006 by Jaylen Brit

[TracyTN 237]

Anyone who has a 'list' of things they want you to 'work on' not only has a whacked out idea about love, but must think they are perfect. Those in glass houses should not throw stones, and all that jazz. What a jerk. Not just that, but he has to follow mommy's lead. How rich.

He married you, didn't he? Was it only after you married him that you have things to 'work on'?

There's nothing wrong with you, girlfriend. You keep on keeping on, be who you are and be proud of it. If he can't accept and love you the way you are, sod him.

I'd tell him exactly what you told us about the bus ticket. If he and mommy still keep telling you what you need to 'work on', buy the ticket.

[Fandango 1,439]

His MOTHER made a list? omG

I think you see the handwrititng on the wall here.

[Jaylen Brit 0]

I see you 2 gals are on the same page as me there, lol..

lilsnobunny - don't allow yourself to be treated / manipulated / ground down this way.

[Euro 3]

His mother should get out of your marriage.........................

[Fandango 1,439]

You CANNOT win against a MIL if the husband is not 100% on your side. This is my honest opinion.

And not for nothing, what kind of maroon is your husband that he allows a third party in to criticize you? Shouldnt' he be protecting you from the azzholes of the world? #######. It's bad enough that he's doing it, but to allow the mother?! OMG

You may get brief stints of 'wayhey he stood up to her for me' but at the end of the day, he needs to be told to not throw you under the bus, cs that's what his brain process is saying is ok.. Think about that. He thinks it's ok for MIL to tear you down.

It's either in his gut or not afaic....and just from this lil bit, it's no imo.

You cant make a silk purse from a sow's ear, hon....either accept it or go is my $1.87

I'm sorry if I am coming across as harsh, but obviously it touches a nerve with me and I feel very strongly about it.

Edited May 26, 2006 by LisaD

[Euro 3]

You CANNOT win against a MIL if the husband is not 100% on your side. This is my honest opinion.

And not for nothing, what kind of maroon is your husband that he allows a third party in to criticize you? Shouldnt' he be protecting you from the azzholes of the world? #######. It's bad enough that he's doing it, but to allow the mother?! OMG

Right

[Reba 2]

I recently bought a plane ticket to go home for a week in July, I'm going alone.. my husband's got to be at a wedding *and he promised me we'd go home this summer*.. so since we both only have a certain amount of vacation time, hes going to the wedding.. i'm not mad at him for it. After recent realizations I'm kind of glad.. although, ever since i bought the ticket.. the weeks have been sooo slow. and i've started to get really homesick.

well good for you for going home even without him! I can totally empathise with the weeks dragging on. I just got myself a ticket to go home too, but not til the end of June/beginning of July, and I haven't been home for over a year. My hubby however is banned from Canada, so even if he wanted to come with me, he can't.

I think our marriage has started to fall... has anyone else had troubles with there spouses family TRYING to change them?

My Mother in law didn't much like me. She was usually outwardly polite, but rarely at all friendly. She passed away in January this year tho. My husband rarely took her side of whatever she complained about me to him tho, except he did concede that I am rather outspoken about some things, and when we were over there visiting I should just keep my mouth shut

My husband and his mother have this long list of things I need to work on. I need to be: skinner, less shy, less dependant, less 'indecisive', less polite,.. etc...They want me to be loud, and obnoxious

Less polite? More loud and obnoxious? *snarf* Show them your passport again hun, remind them you're Canadian!

Yep he even considers me to be fat... i never really thought that I was, just average, i'm now finding myself to be very uncomfortable in my own skin. my husband works in the medical feild, so he tells me it's because of the some of thngs he sees in the surgery room.. mostly breast cancer, my family has a pretty bad history with that disease.

Sure, weight can be a contributing factor to many diseases, but unless you're grossly obese, you probably have nothing to worry about.

Alot of things we do are things he likes to do, which I don't mind i'm a really laid back person, so I'm usually up for anything. but alot of the things I enjoy, we never do.

Plan a day of stuff that you like to do, as you're on your way out the door, ask him if he'd like to join you. If not, have fun being independent! If he does join you, enjoy the day together.

Oh, and i'm the one stuck doing everything around the house.. yea, its great and then every once in awhile he criticizes me for the way i do things.. so i tell him to do it. but he doesn't.. I really didnt mind doing the housework, while i wasn't working, but now we both work fulltime jobs

ugh...I hate that! James does that too, and now the table is turned, he's not working and I am. However, I'm still doing 99% of the housework

He also has a really bad habit of correcting me when i don't pronounce certian words the way he does..We've both got an awesome sense of humour, but hes not joking...

again, show him your passport, remind him that You're Canadian. We pronounce several things differently, and truth be told, in most cases, the American pronunciation is the one that's wrong

I've tried to talk to him about this, we talk and then voila! nothing ever changes.

I will be honest, a few times lately i've been so tempted to just buy a bus ticket and book it back home for awhile just to think...at least.

I all of the sudden, feel so lost as a person... I feel like i'm, not good enough for him as a person...

looking for some words of wisdom, or something.

Maybe you two do need a break, and your vacation in July will be enough. Talk to him and tell him what you've told us, and tell him you're thinking you'd like your trip home to be even longer. He's not being fair. He married you, a quiet, polite Canadian who speaks a different dialect of English than he does.

Honestly, I resent the American "you must be assimilated" point of view regarding immigrants. Why can't we just be ourselves? Is it so hard to believe that we may have something valuable to contribute to society? Why do We have to become just like Them?

My husband told me once durng an argument that he didn't think I was doing everything I possibly could to fit myself in. I was about to leave then and there I tell ya! Then the other day he told me that his own Mother had been living here in this town for nearly 50 freakin years and she never really liked it and never realy fit in. I told him that if he EVER said to me that it was My Fault for not fitting in here, I'd seriously have to hit him! His mother moved here from a town only 25 miles away! If she can't fit in here, how the hell am I expected to? sheesh!

I do sometimes think that rather too much is expected of us, the immigrant spouse, to try and make ourselves fit in. And in some cases we get very little help from our USC spouse, and in still some other cases, like yours, we get beaten down until there's very little we Can do to feel at home.

Take a break at home and go over your options. Maybe all you need is just one week apart to realise that you really do love each other, and if you can get his Mother out of your marriage, you can make a go of it!

[Garfield fan 0]

Sorry to hear about your problem and I'm extremely "shocked" with the list that your husband and his mom put for you to work on. I found that very degrading and disrespectful, and I agree that his mom should get out of your relationship.

Maybe you should make a list of things that you want to change from your hubby and see what he thinks about that. And make one for "mommy dearest" too !!

[joej 0]

I don't want to make too much of this, but my first reaction to your post was a thought that maybe there is more going on than has been said here. Could he possibly have somehthing going on that he doesnt want you to know about? The reason I thought of that is because of the list of things he wants you to change about yourself...it makes me think he is trying to justify himself and whatever he may be doing. In any case I wish you luck and hope you have a happy reunion with your family.

[Torontonian 0]

I agree with what everyone has said here, nothing new to add. I just want to say that there is nothing wrong with you, and you must NOT put up with those two and their lists for ONE MORE SECOND!!!

My husband says "run, don't walk out of this marriage!" I don't know if you need to be that drastic, but it is definitely time to have a VERY serious talk with this guy because you will become seriously, seriously depressed if this continues.

(((HUGS)))

[Waiting in Vancouver 6]

I agree with the people here who say you need to make up your own list. And make sure the list hits your husband where it hurts, don't be afraid to hurt his feelings. That will be the only way he really knows what he is doing to you.

[Fandango 1,439]

I agree with the people here who say you need to make up your own list. And make sure the list hits your husband where it hurts, don't be afraid to hurt his feelings. That will be the only way he really knows what he is doing to you.

But isn't that game playing, really?

[motu 6]

You are Canadian and are having problems communicating with your husband! I almost laughed because many people to this date ask me if I have communication problems with my wife (she knows a little English and I know even less Spanish.)

I would suggest that you sit down with your husband and tell him what the relationship is doing to you and what it has become and tell him where you want the relationship to go. Its Ok to tell him you don't like this or that or whatever else (but also tell him you like x, y and z.) Ask him if he is willing to work with you to make this better for both of you and that you both need to give in a little for the sake of the marriage.

If things don't improve, try again. I would suggest trying a few times till you decide it's not worth it and then you can go your own way. Each relationship we have will have its ups and downs and good and bad points and its up to us to try and make it the best possible for both involved. I know now that I would have salvaged at least one of the relationships I had when I was young (well younger) and much less accommodating than I am now (yeah we all have our faults.) Good Luck