Wife gone after 10 months

[girl 37 7]

Wow, tough luck. She took off after she found out you were looking for someone new on dating sites? Maybe you should've divorced her before you started looking. If you'd called me looking for her I'd be mean to you too. (It's not just a Philipino thing.)

[Beta 0]

I am really confused here. You were sending $500 a month plus living expenses before she came? And your requirements for her to be a stay at home wife was to bathe regularly, cook, and clean, correct? Why didn't you just hire a maid with benefits? You complain that you have to come home and cook your own food that she eats? Well welcome to real life. I do that every day of my life. And guess what, I am happy to have my husband eat the food I cook. Why would I deny him food just because I cooked it? When a person feels treasured they respond in kind. You frequented dating sites? Why, when you were already married. Why not spend that time loving your wife?

Sorry to say, but there are 2 sides to this story. I think anyone who read your post well enough would also be reading between the lines.

Okay everyone. Whenever I post like this I get bashed, so bash away, I am prepared.

I couldnt agree more with you, actually.

This post seems to me like you wanted someone to be submissive, cook, clean, etc. Talk about stereotypes... When you mention her "hygiene"... well, it takes two to tango and it takes two not to tango... not blaming this on you, but I doubt it's entirely her fault as well. Maybe she needed more time and attention rather than money and orders? Men can be rather demanding and clueless when it comes to expressing their needs and expectations, and if that was the case, I understand that maybe she felt resentful and the relationship only grew further apart. And not getting what you expect from your wife is no excuse to look at dating websites, definitely. Your issue goes way deeper than her attitude, when you say "you needed someone to love you". I know some people won't like the blunt honesty, but truth is, you should have been loooking into couple counseling or therapy for yourself, not someone new to date.

All that been said, she clearly has her fault in the whole story as well, and I'm trully sorry for you. When you mention they said she doesnt need you for a green card, sounds like that was her goal to start with. Sure, reporting the fraud is the right thing to do. Still, I personally think that right now you should take care of yourself, of your own stress and depression, and work on being more careful and tactful next time.

[vickydeutsch 0]

Sorry to hear that but what you have to do is to report the fraud and she wont be able to work or stay in the USA. You deserve more than that. And dont depress yourself; life is so beautiful to get depressed!!!!

[mark n jess 0]

dude,sorry,but u need to grow up and find out what a real relationship is like.she mite have been wrong what shedid but even if it is with another girl.cook clean and smell good???come on man.advice--next relationship just love her for who she is and not what she can do for you, thats selfish and believe me filippinas are great woman.

[IAMX 3,055]

I say hit it one more time then send her packing.

[Sha2011 0]

Wow, tough luck. She took off after she found out you were looking for someone new on dating sites? Maybe you should've divorced her before you started looking. If you'd called me looking for her I'd be mean to you too. (It's not just a Philipino thing.)

So if your spouse or finace came up missing and you had reason to believe I knew where he/she was... would it be nice for me to be mean to you ? No man is an island we all need each other one way or another.

I say hit it one more time then send her packing.

Your funny ! lol

dude,sorry,but u need to grow up and find out what a real relationship is like.she mite have been wrong what shedid but even if it is with another girl.cook clean and smell good???come on man.advice--next relationship just love her for who she is and not what she can do for you, thats selfish and believe me filippinas are great woman.

Well I tried for 10 months. I tried to tell her about her foul odor. She never took me seriously until I went on the internet site. My wife is far from a domestic. All I asked her to do is get her personal hygiene in order, start looking presentable, and share cooking responsibilities with me.

How is that immature ?

Edited September 23, 2008 by tangkas

[William33 110]

This thread is becoming non-productive very quickly.

OP (tangkas), is there any immigration advice that you seek? Otherwise, this derailed thread will be closed.

Please advise.

[Completely 3]

Since my wife arrived in the United States her dad and brother has been bothering her about money. I sent them money once and refused after that time. Soon she began to get upset with me. Once I saw her brother's instant message asking if my parents would send support them, and asking her to come back home so I'll take care of them like I had been doing. Not to mention her dad and brother didn't work when my wife was in the Philippines due to the $500 per month I sent them. They moved into a pretty luxorious apartment, and I paid the rent and bills on that also. After my wife came they wanted me to continue with the money and the rent I paid. I told my wife I have to care for you here now only in US.

Soon my wife began saying she wanted to go back home. Not long after she got in contact with a well off aunt in California that kept asking her to come and stay with her. I remember my wife asking me if she can go to California. This was 2 or 3 weeks after she came. "After 1.5 years of marriage and being separated. in 2 or 3 weeks you want to leave me already ? "

"

I believe because I am not caring for her family my wife is not making herself attractive for me. Her personal hygiene has went down. When I ask her to make some Filipino food she takes a whole bunch of mung beans and cabbage and thats it. No Pancit, no adobo, no shopow, no lumpia. I remember once I cooked pancit and lupia because I wanted it so bad, and she freely at of it. I told my wife before she came to US if she could learn how to cook these Filipino delicases. She didn;t work. She didn't do anything but sit home and had everything paid for her when she was in the Philippines. I would of paid for her to get a cooking course if she needed extra. she said she would learn how to cook, but she never did.

My wife wont cook. I have to work and come home and cook. When I do cook she ends up eating the food I cooked. I work nights shift and by 7 hours I have to go back to work. I have to cook my food, and all she does is sit home.

Back to the aunt. Recently, I became very depressed knowing that I spent all this time and effort on a woman that doesn't take care of herself and refuse to help me in anything. I began wanting someone else. My depression caused me to start smoking again. From 3 a day to neary a pack a day.. From their it got worst month by month.My sleep patterns changed. On average I got 2 or 3 hours sleep per day. My grades at school dropped. I lack clarity and find myself forgetful. My depression got worst and caused me to eat one small meal a day. I have lupus. It went into remission but it came back. My doctor said stress would cause it. Sometimes I am in severe pain. At times I would wake up screaming of pain, and she would just lay there in sleep. I didn't care if I lived or died. All I wanted was a woman that take care of herself, has good hygiene, loves me, and can cook her island delicases.

It got to the point whenever we got into an argument she would pack up and attempt to leave. It really hurt me to see this. I had no confidence our relationship would last. I began searching internet dating services hoping I would find someone to love me for me. My wife soon found out. She began accusing me of being the worst human type. I tried to reason with her on why I did it. All she could do is point the finger at me. I tried to tell her to change her faults. I offered to bring her to the doctor to find out why she has the odor she does. I tried !

When your spouse has bad hygiene can you sleep with them and refuses to change it, can you sleep with them. Would you see any hope in the relationship ?

Anyways, time went on. Her well of aunt in the Philippines bought her a ticket. My wife soon left. I came home one day and she said I am leaving

Then she jumps in a vehicle with an older male with two kids and his wife.

My wife didn't even tell me where she was going. I tried calling her friends to find out where she was and they had very nasty attitudes with me. I tried telling them if your husband was missing wouldn't you want to know where he is. They just got more irate. They sent me nasty text messages. Only one of them was semi nice, but yet you can see attitude all over. I have not known many Filipino people. I began resenting Filipino people. I am sory for that, because we can't judge an ethnic group by a few bad seeds.

My wife says her aunt will help her get a working permit and then green card, and she doesn't need me. she's not coming back to my house. When I think about my wife was here for 2 or 3 weeks her aunt had been begging her to come there. Recently, one of my wife's family members had a kid. I guess my wife is helping them out as a domestic. My wife said she'll work for them to pay for her working permit and green card.

I tried calling her aunts this morning, and they got some nasty attitudes with me. One was yelling and how she's an American citizen she can get my wife to stay in US she doesn't need me. One of them denied she knew my wife. I know these are lies.This mad me very angry with Filipino people. I know its not realistic to think all Filipinos are like this. I am sorry for thinking that. I've known some American kids of Filipino descent. They just as I stated Americans of Filipino descent. This is my first time being around Filipinos born in the Philippines. All of the one's my wife know are very unreasonable. If your spouse is missing wouldn't you want to know where there at ? But all I get is a mouth full of curses and yells.

I managed to get one of their addresses I called ICE, USCIS, and Department of State informing them my wife has left permanently. for some reason all of my wife's family members are trying to marry Americans. and once they do I guess they'll go to the aunts house in California. I have valid proof they've done that before with one cano. ICE said this is a fraud scam and they'll look into it. I gave them my wife's visa, and it might be canceled.

I am sorry that things did not work out well with you.. I feel sad hearing stories like that make us filipinos look bad. I hope you will not generalize one person just because someone did something bad to you.. Everyone is born in a unique way, wherever they came from there is bad apples and oranges everywhere..

I am sure you've seen the red flag already, but you just totally ignore it..

Me and my husband share for everything, paying the house down to our everyday expenses and that is how it supposed to be.. Household chores is divided between us and most importantly, I do send money back home as well that is what most of us do, but I do work and never bother my husband to give my family anything.. Before we got married we have cleared what we want in life.. I told him that I will never stop working.. and he agreed with that..

In any relationship communication plays a very important role in one relationship.

Move on.. and focus for a new life.

Edited September 23, 2008 by Completely

[justashooter 430]

speaking as a man who has lived in the orient for 4 years, and is recently married to a chinese girl, i can tell you that different cultures have different expectations. it appears that the OP had established a "sugar daddy" reputation, and that the fillipina's family expected to capitalise on this forever. this kind of family interdependency (laziness combined with extortion) is common in china, and also in phillipines (from what i hear).

people in undeveloped and depressed economies have no idea of how complex the american economy is. they have no understanding of tax structure. they have no understanding of relative costs of goods in differing countries. they, being undereducated people, usually only have understanding of their own needs and wants. none of us should be suprised when foreigners from countries like this have immature attitudes towards money. they are from immature economies.

the OP is heartbroken to discover that the woman he found on the internet is not the girl of his dreams. he is dsitraught, but needs to recover to the point of simple awareness. people are rarely who they say they are on the internet. IMHO the OP's wife was a green card seeker, a freeloader, and nothing else. this may be the norm for her micro culture, but it does not play well to an american audience. adding such a creature to the american society is negative, in general, to everybody in america except for said freeloader and her kin.

who am i? i'm a 44 year old anglo guy from pennsylvania who has spent the last 4 years working in a grimy industrial city in the heart of communist china, which, by the way, is not really communist anymore. it's more capitalist than the US in a micro, but i digress. i'm just a guy who was divorced for a long time while busy raising his kids, and somehow landed a gig in corruption city, only to find that the people here below the highest levels have pretty good personal integrity, even if it comes with some pretty odd expectation of what is socially acceptable, from a western viewpoint.

[girl 37 7]

So if your spouse or finace came up missing and you had reason to believe I knew where he/she was... would it be nice for me to be mean to you ? No man is an island we all need each other one way or another.

To answer your question, if my spouse wanted to leave me and I thought his mental health was ok, then good riddence. Your wife didn't 'come up missing'; you saw her walk out. Did you get the licence plate number? Why didn't call the police? Why do you think people who care about her would want to assist you in finding her? So she can go back to someone like you, who has shown, through actions, that you don't want her and can't be bothered to make an effort to help her and you and your marriage through counselling? You were shopping for someone new on the internet while you were still married(!). Is that ok in your books?

If my husband wanted to visit his aunt, we'd have gone there together. Maybe your wife was homesick and thought it might help to see her family.

[morocco4ever 63]

Again there is two sides of this story. She didn't fulfill your needs. Did you fulfill hers? Did you ever stop to think about how she was feeling? She is in a foreign land with no one around that she knows. She is expected to fill duties that you yourself knew in advance that she wasn't used to. To me you sound harsh and judgemental. But the final blow was to go onto dating websites. I don't know the reason that she had problems with hygene, but I suspect she was depressed. A person that is truly in love would assist her through these rough times rather than put her down for her lack of skills. I suspect your purpose was to buy a wife, not be in love.

This thread might as well be closed, it is useless.

[mahalddk 1]

im sorry to hear that..

[NOandJO 0]

Hello! I read your post and i cant believe about what she did to you mmmm...dont call her anymore or try to look for her, That woman sick...just be strong and pray, God has more plans for you..so be happy and smile...lift all your problems to God...

Be strong....Pay attention to yourself for now, hope you get better soon...

[Passing.star 0]

In fairness to the OP, he got depressed with all the troubles and problems between him and his wife, money matters, third parties (family of his wife wanting to extort) a wife who do not take care of him and being unhygienic that's why he started chatting with other girls on the net.

I do not blame you TANGKAS nor your wife because I do not know what the whole story. With it comes to money, I guess you should have to talk her in the first place. If her family is asking support from her I guess she can find a job to support them back home.

Her friends has only listening to your wife's story that's why they acted like that but doesn't mean that we Filipinos are not sensible. If I will believe in your story I should say that your wife doesn't deserve to be cared by you.

[belovedbyme 0]

Hi!! I read your post and I am sorry to hear all about this things. Move on with your life and you take care of yourself. Keep busy , join in any recreational activitities that you love to be doing. Don't look for your wife. She left and you knew it. Just call the USCIS and report her seems like it's a fraud. I dont like to be judgemental..

Please don't generalize all filipinos because my wife is one of them very far from what you have married. You deserve someone better you are not lucky this time but next relationship be very careful. Open communication is very important in any relationship..Good luck to you!!