Trying To Cope

[TheZilla 0]

Hey there guys,

It's really early Monday morning and I'm trying to get my head around the fact that a week ago, I was snuggling with my husband and chatting about the future, and it's a week later and he's gone. I keep feeling like I'm in the middle of some nightmare that I can't wake up from. I don't even know what I should be thinking about or doing. I know we've got accounts in both of our names, but I can't even remember all of them or what to do about it because I never thought I'd have to I guess.

I don't even know where he is or what his plans are. I don't know if he's going back to the U.K. like he said he would, or if this new girl and his mother are going to convince him that the best thing to do is stay here since he can (he just started college, he has his own car, own phone, etc.). He's known the girl three weeks, and I saw a text on his phone where she was like "I love you so much!". I asked him if he believed that, or what he thought that actually meant, and he didn't have an answer for me. I kept saying "You're throwing away four years for three weeks" and I made him repeat it to me. He said that he admits he is a coward, and weak, and spineless.

I just can't believe it. He did have valid reasons for being unhappy. I suffer with depression and anxiety disorder and in the past year I've hit a very low patch. I stopped going out as much and asked a lot of him, and I wasn't taking proper care of my health and diet (had to have emergency gallbladder surgery last year and only just now paid off the massive hospital bill, so going to doctors is something my whole family puts off because we have no insurance). It was one of those things where he just never spoke up, and I never saw how bad I was actually getting.

The thing that kills me here is that I feel he should have known I'm the type of person who busts my ### if I realize there is a big problem. Sometimes he would go out and I wouldn't go with him, but he always left it as my choice and if I said "No", he just accepted it like there was nothing he could do. If he'd ever said "I really want you to come" or "It would mean a lot to me", I would have. He never told me what his needs and wants were, I think he expected me to know intuitively. He never said "I need this" or "I want this". He admitted that he failed in that respect, but he wouldn't consider sticking with us because he was so fixated on this girl (who called him on his cell at least ten times the night he left).

I feel bitter, because there were stretches of time when we were apart where he made me very unhappy, but I stuck with him and endured it until it got better. He knew I did this for him, he knew I was on the verge of leaving him a couple of times early on but I didn't. I feel like I was so blinded by love that I failed to recognize the serious repercussions of putting my trust and faith in someone who was so immature and emotionally stunted.

I know I made huge mistakes and sort of got into this trance of bad habits, I just hate that he wasn't assertive enough to call me out and tell me point blank how he felt and what he thought because I could have done so much to change things for the better. Looking back, I know he would cringe at any sort of confrontation, whether I was really mad or whether I calmly approached him to talk. I think he was so afraid that I might not react favorably to anything he might of said that he just never said anything. I just didn't realize how bad he felt. Men often do that though, don't they? They have needs and wants, don't tell you, get resentful if you don't meet them, and then if they see some girl that fulfills even just one of those needs, they go off with them (sorry, that's unfair to men, I should probably say 'little boys').

It just burns me up that he's off with this girl (he's 26, she's in her early twenties) and I'm left here alone (I just turned 30 in April). I'm terrified of how long it will take me to get over this and where this will leave me. I am afraid I won't have the chance to have healthy children, I'm afraid I won't find another partner who will understand me, teach me things, and click with me like he did. I just feel abject terror when I really think about it. I am trying to stay positive, trying to focus on getting healthier, losing weight, getting out in the world more, continuing my writing, and all sorts of things. One minute it seems entirely possible, the next I feel so hopeless.

I have been calling on my friends, they're very good friends it's just they're all spread out around the country or they live in England. I guess I'm just reaching out wherever I can in an effort to cement the idea in my head that I'm not alone in this.

Sorry I went on so long here, if you've read this far I have to thank you so much that you did.

[sara..... 371]

im sorry to hear what has happened all i can offer is prayers for u

sara

[gwenneh 7]

I'm afraid I won't find another partner who will understand me, teach me things, and click with me like he did.

Repeat after me:

If he left, he didn't really understand you, he didn't really click with you, and he wasn't a partner by any stretch of the imagination.

Partners don't do that. Thinking of him as a partner and in those terms only puts him on a pedestal he clearly does not deserve. He may have only known her for three weeks, but your relationship didn't dissolve that quickly - you can bet anything that this has been going on in his head for far longer than that.

Stop blaming yourself. This didn't happen because you are depressed or because you had to have gall bladder surgery, this is because he is a worm - a spineless, backbone-free worm who couldn't even grow enough of a pair to talk to his wife about his problems.

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

Zilla -

I am sorry you are going through this - it sounds like he doesn't deserve you. Are you trying to save the relationship, or are you trying to move forward?

[belovedbyme 0]

I am deeply sorry of what you been through. I wish I could do something for you. Please open it up to your hubby and be honest of your feelings. It is the best way to minimize fightings.. You are in my prayers.. Be strong .

Chief

[sunnybear 0]

Oh Zilla I am so sorry to read this....it just again proves nothing in life is certain All we can do is take care of ourselves best we can and lift ourselves up in anyway possible. He does seem a coward and I would hope you get him sent back, sounds nasty of me but he came to the country for YOU not to meet some new young thing!!!! Sorry a bit bitter I do get when it comes to things like this!!!

HUGS and stay strong!

[*JG* 2]

Oh, girl. Hang in there. There is a plan for you in this whole mess. When you figure out what it is, everything will be so clear for you.

You deserve so much more then that.

[TheZilla 0]

Thank you everybody, your responses mean a very lot to me.

In response, I'm trying to move forward. Even after he told me he had feelings for the girl and wanted to be with her, I asked him to stay and perhaps we could get couples counseling. He outright refused. I spent awhile trying to reason with him, but he was cut off and cold to me. On Thursday he said the girl was nothing but a symptom of a bigger problem and she was just a flash, then on Friday he said it was serious and he wants a future with her. Thursday he said he loved me, Friday he said he didn't love me anymore and hadn't for awhile. I really don't think he knows what the hell he is doing to be honest, I think he is a screwed up kid really.

I tried very hard to reason with him, but he cut me out and blocked me off, and so I admit I did just start rattling off every nasty thing that came in my head. I didn't yell or scream, I just unloaded, called him every name in the book, insulted his masculinity, all sorts of things I have to say I'm not proud of. Some of it I don't regret, but I am ashamed of hitting below the belt. It's just something I don't like to see myself do, even if the person in question might deserve it. I guess I just wanted him to feel as much pain as possible, knowing I was the one who was going to be left alone to clean up so much of this mess while he's off with what's her face.

This morning I went for an hour long walk, something I haven't done in awhile, and it felt good. Something I probably should have done a long time ago, but somewhere in my messed up head I know that even if he didn't stick around to see these changes, they will still be good for me. This definitely was a wake-up call to end all wake-up calls for me, I can clearly see that he did make valid points about my attitude and health, points I really want to take on even without him. I am trying to cling very hard to what I can get out of this as a benefit to me rather than focus on what I've lost. It's a shame he didn't persevere, but there's nothing I can do about it.

In short, I'm not thinking at all about reconciliation because it's obvious he is a terrible communicator, he blows things so out of proportion in his head because he bottles things up that he convinces himself rather easily that things are impossible, and I don't think he has the sac to try. Also, I am not sure I could ever get past this, it would take endurance and determination I don't think he has and I don't feel inclined to give to him anymore. I am in such pain and feel such loss, there is a part of me that would wish for nothing more than to make another try at this, but I just feel it cannot happen. There is a part of me, however buried under all this sorrow, that thinks perhaps he did me a favor by screwing up like he did.

I feel positive right now, I'm making lists of all the best things I can think to do for myself during this time and I feel like I might come out the other side better than ever. What I hate is how up and down this all is, one minute I think I'm good and two seconds later I'm crying again. Suppose that just comes with the territory, doesn't it?

At the moment, I am just trying to reorganize things and start fresh. I don't really want to know what happens with him from now on. I mean, sure I'd like to know if this all blows up in his face, but I'd hate knowing if it doesn't. My common sense tells me it's just better not to know at all and just move on. I've just got to try remembering all the friggin' benefits of being single rather than all those crappy downsides.

[SterlingGirl 1]

Wow, that's harsh. Of course, every place has its bad apples, unfortunately (my fiance would be lightning quick to tell you that), and it seems like you just got unlucky enough to draw one out of the barrel.

But Gwen is absolutely right - he was never a "partner". He was a tagalong who, it seems, wanted his hand held and his desires catered to without having to give anything in return. The usage of 'partner' implies that equal work was done and equal rewards were shared; this doesn't sound like it was the case at all. Maybe you could've asked more, but then again, maybe he could've told more. After all, it sounds like, with all the health problems, you had a pretty darned good excuse to be out of it for a little while. I've had gallbladder removal surgery, and it's really not a pretty process. If there was nobody else in the world, he should've been the one to help you back onto your feet, to support you and tend to you until you were well enough to return the favour again.

And the new young tail he's got? Speaks volumes of him. My ex-husband took up with a 19 year-old when we divorced (he was 27 at the time, and I was four years his junior when we met, even). I'm not saying that age gaps ALWAYS mean a lack of maturity, but in this case, it makes so much sense. He wants a little girl who calls and texts and makes a big fuss over him, who will probably bend over backwards to do anything he wants. Not a grown woman who sees her man as an equal, rather than a superior to be waited on hand-and-foot (whether physically or emotionally).

Truly - it sounds like you're far better off, though I know it doesn't feel like it now. I just hate that you went through this whole arduous process only to find out how rotten he was. Take care of yourself, the pain will go away.

Edited September 22, 2008 by SterlingGirl

[SterlingGirl 1]

I am trying to cling very hard to what I can get out of this as a benefit to me rather than focus on what I've lost. It's a shame he didn't persevere, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Sorry to double-post or spam, but I just saw this and this is a fantastic way to see things. I've always had this simple credo in life: "Use it." Whatever happens to you, use it. It's more or less the same as "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger", but I prefer the simplicity of "Use it". Let it allow you to become better, stronger, more experienced, wiser, whatever you want.

Even the worst of situations don't have to be total net losses.

[ginger1981 0]

It sounds like your husband has been wanting to get out of a long time, and this girl gave him the perfect excuse.

This is really a terrible blow, but like you said, you will benefit in the long run. You now have time to take care of you...something that he wouldn't even do. Use this time to expand your horizons...start a new hobby/activity, go on a trip. You are going to do fine. Who cares what happens to him...you have a lot better things to think of and a lot better things to look forward too.

[msu17 0]

Ugh, he sounds so much like my brother. At least he LEFT, my brother started divorce proceedings but kept living at home and went out on dates with the new girl. Second plus, no kids. Third plus, you seem to have a good perspective of both of your issues and what you can do to work on yourself. Eventually he'll realize what an idiot he was, but by then you'll be in a much better place and realize you are too good for him. Yes, this totally and utterly sucks beyond sucking, but you can and will move on and be healthier and better for it. Just keep on chugging, reach out to those around you and you will make it through. Good luck!

[wifetobe 2]

I feel like my heart has been trodden on for you. I feel your pain through your words and I'm glad you're sharing it all with us. I think having different emotions every 5 minutes means you are moving on slowly but surely. The more you read what you post might help you too. I know that sounds weird but I remember when I posted runts to an ex on email I re-read them and it made me feel a bit more balanced instead of being too torn apart. I went through "the ex going off with a girl 10 years my junior) bit and not that I was old either. We were going out for 5 years and he ended it and literally got engaged to her 3 weeks later after we split. At the end of the day as long as you're not the one that's screwed you are far better off. Gwen on page 1 couldn't have said it better I agree with her completely. The days will get easier my friend

[wifetobe 2]

I feel like my heart has been trodden on for you. I feel your pain through your words and I'm glad you're sharing it all with us. I think having different emotions every 5 minutes means you are moving on slowly but surely. The more you read what you post might help you too. I know that sounds weird but I remember when I posted runts to an ex on email I re-read them and it made me feel a bit more balanced instead of being too torn apart. I went through "the ex going off with a girl 10 years my junior) bit and not that I was old either. We were going out for 5 years and he ended it and literally got engaged to her 3 weeks later after we split. At the end of the day as long as you're not the one that's screwed you are far better off. Gwen on page 1 couldn't have said it better I agree with her completely. The days will get easier my friend

[chnst 6]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Keep your head up you deserve better!