Our Fairy Tale is Over

[isleta521 5]

Hi JenT,

I havnt been on VJ in a while. I wish you the best and know that another chapter in your life will open.

good luck to you and your girls.

[Mrs.J06 4]

Apparently David has indeed been reading this thread and just like when the doc declared him "not depressed" when he was having a good day, he felt quite vindicated by your post, Becc. Everyone has their own perspective of what it means to be a parent and how to raise their children. If you gather 10 different attorneys in a room, you'd get 10 different opinions. Same with parents. I learned VERY early on to listen to what other people had to say about parenting and then decide what's best for me and for my family. That's all anyone can do. I'm not going to defend my choice to make them a priority. They are with us in the same home for a very short period of time, in the grand scheme of things, and choosing to become a parent demands sacrifices. Some make more than others. Some have it easier than others. Being the best parent one can be means something different for everyone.

He confronted me yet again the other night and it's pretty clear that this is not going to end with us being on speaking terms. It's just as well.... as Mrs J06 said, we have nothing that requires us to remain in touch so it is best just to go our separate ways.

One of the things he took issue with me about, since he's been following this thread, was the fact that certain details have been 'left out'.... that has been intentional. There are a few of you with whom I've pm'd who know some of these details, but I have chosen to leave them out of the public forum because there's no point in sinking to such a level. This thread is not about trashing David and that has never been my intent. He has very few people with which he can share such details and I encouraged him to get an account here to find some support of his own. But that would require effort, so it will never happen.

Thank you Jayde and Jeff's Bride for taking some time to offer words of encouragement.

Jen

It is too bad that David feels that way. Nobody in this thread, least of all you, Jen, has been trashing him I think.

On the contrary, I very much sympathized with him having a hard time adjusting since I know that feeling of not belonging anywhere and being dependant on my spouse when I'm not usually such a "needy" person. I know that can be a very unsettling experience, and I feel for him.

But I think he needs to understand that he made mistakes, too.

I am divorced, and I strongly believe that a failed relationship is never ever just one person's fault. I'm still convinced that at some point he just gave up trying, and that was the end of it all. That doesn't mean he is entire responsible for breakup, but he certainly isn't completely without fault.

I guess I'm curious how his adjustment from the UK to Germany went, and why this was easier for him (don't know if that's true, but it seems like he liked living in Germany and didn't miss the UK so much).

I for myself know that the morning I will wake up and feel like my marriage is not worth my efforts in making new friends, adjusting to a new lifestyle and getting over the inevitable bouts of homesickness will be the day our relationship is over, no matter how long it takes to finally end it from there.

[JenT 0]

Interesting question about his first transition from the UK to Germany…. My therapist and I talked about that very thing (among others) on Monday. There were so many things that I chose to put a positive spin on, that in retro-spect, was not necessarily based on evidence but on my own 'hope'. One of those things was the fact that he'd already had the experience of having to adjust from living in one country and moving to another. His move was the result of his wife's career so he left his own career behind in the UK to move to Germany where their daughter was born. He didn't know the language and didn't have any job prospects so he stayed at home to care for his daughter which was another thing I admired him for being able to do… esp 19 years ago when being a 'house-husband' wasn't necessarily as acceptable as it might be today, more esp in Germany.

That didn't last long though. He divorced his wife when his daughter was 6 and the most he told me about the reason for that divorce was because he felt neglected and undervalued - déjà vu for him now, I'm sure. What I'm now realizing was that there was probably a WHOLE lot more to the story than that, in terms of the fact that they were newlyweds, living in a foreign country, adjusting to life with a baby in the house, etc. And knowing what I know about the essence of his personality, I can almost envision the sequence of events playing out exactly the same way then as it has here in the US. It only took two years this time since he has nothing tying him here, like he had his daughter in Germany back then.

And while it was noble of him to remain in Germany after the divorce for his daughter's sake (apparently everyone thought he would move back to the UK, which also justifies my suspicion about the level of his unhappiness there), it simply required less effort for him to remain there.

[maggieNomar 0]

Aw hell. I'm sorry to hear this Jen.

me too. I remember you from when I first joined. HUGS

[JenT 0]

Hi Everyone,

Haven't posted in a while as there hasn't been much new going on. David left the US last Saturday. I planned a business trip with timing such that I would not have to see him last week. There's nothing left to say. He had the nerve to phone around town to say his good byes and yet did not bother to contact my girls to say good bye to them. My girls found out that he did so and my oldest was very sad... she thought he cared about her. It's further validation of the measure of his character, IMO. Regardless of what happened between us, there's no reason to take it out on the kids. But then, in these last weeks, he didn't care what they overheard of his rants and tantrums so I shouldn't be surprised.

On a positive note, while I was away last week, I re-connected with someone I haven't seen in 20 years.... we had a relationship while I was in college which ended when I moved to accept a job out of state. He couldn't leave due to family reasons and we lost touch with one another. He found me on Classmates.com and traveled to where I was just to take me to dinner. Turns out he's been carrying a torch for me all this time and old feelings have been re-ignited. We're going to take this veerrry slowly.....

Jen

[*JG* 2]

Hi Everyone,

Haven't posted in a while as there hasn't been much new going on. David left the US last Saturday. I planned a business trip with timing such that I would not have to see him last week. There's nothing left to say. He had the nerve to phone around town to say his good byes and yet did not bother to contact my girls to say good bye to them. My girls found out that he did so and my oldest was very sad... she thought he cared about her. It's further validation of the measure of his character, IMO. Regardless of what happened between us, there's no reason to take it out on the kids. But then, in these last weeks, he didn't care what they overheard of his rants and tantrums so I shouldn't be surprised.

On a positive note, while I was away last week, I re-connected with someone I haven't seen in 20 years.... we had a relationship while I was in college which ended when I moved to accept a job out of state. He couldn't leave due to family reasons and we lost touch with one another. He found me on Classmates.com and traveled to where I was just to take me to dinner. Turns out he's been carrying a torch for me all this time and old feelings have been re-ignited. We're going to take this veerrry slowly.....

Jen

Jen, I know the feeling very well. My very first boyfriend ever found me on classmates and we have started a friendship over the last 2 years. It's nice when you see someone who knew you when you were just figuring out your way.

Very slowly is good. Remember his feelings in all you do as you progress.

I hope this and everything else you encounter in your life from today on heals your pain and reminds you just how special you are and just how wonderful you are meant to be.

[JenT 0]

That's very sweet, Kelly. Thank you.

[maliciant 7]

My mom's second marriage was to her highschool sweetheart (or maybe they were just friends, I'm not all that sure, but one way or another they knew each other in high school), and is currently living happily every after about 10 years later. I have a great deal more respect for her current husband than her first (the father of my brother and sisters).

Edited October 28, 2008 by maliciant

[sereia 0]

Wow Jen, that's amazing!!! I'm so happy for you...I think its smart to take it slow and see where things lead!

*hug*

[sasha414 0]

Hi Everyone,

Haven't posted in a while as there hasn't been much new going on. David left the US last Saturday. I planned a business trip with timing such that I would not have to see him last week. There's nothing left to say. He had the nerve to phone around town to say his good byes and yet did not bother to contact my girls to say good bye to them. My girls found out that he did so and my oldest was very sad... she thought he cared about her. It's further validation of the measure of his character, IMO. Regardless of what happened between us, there's no reason to take it out on the kids. But then, in these last weeks, he didn't care what they overheard of his rants and tantrums so I shouldn't be surprised.

On a positive note, while I was away last week, I re-connected with someone I haven't seen in 20 years.... we had a relationship while I was in college which ended when I moved to accept a job out of state. He couldn't leave due to family reasons and we lost touch with one another. He found me on Classmates.com and traveled to where I was just to take me to dinner. Turns out he's been carrying a torch for me all this time and old feelings have been re-ignited. We're going to take this veerrry slowly.....

Jen

hello Jen, its nice to know that you are moving on. and yes, take it very slowly this time, its best to let yourself heal first from the pain of what youve been thru. and remember, the bad memories will make you a much stronger person now. i wish you and your kids all the best. you will be in my prayers.

[ez2007 1]

[Beautiful_years 0]

Do take things slow and let them happen naturally, take time to heal

Everyone makes mistakes, but the strong survives...

They stand up even after falling so hard and say "o boy i survived.... who's laughing now" ?

[JenT 0]

Today is our wedding anniversary.... can't say that as past tense since legally, we are still married.... but we hadn't 'been' married since we 'were' married, so it's a hollow occasion. I'm celebrating friendships with a Silpada jewlery party tonight, my best friends, wine and good food... it's all good.

Jen

[*JG* 2]

Sit back for a few minutes today and look at what was really good about your marriage. No matter how awful people become, there had to be some good times you cherish. Today is the day to look back and say, it wasn't all bad and I hope he moves on to a life that truly makes him happy. Then, pop that cork, enjoy the rest of your day with some good company, and begin that next chapter in your life.

[Donna A 4]

im hopeing he really did care for your daughters and thats why he didnt say good bye to them cuz it would just hurt too much.

anyway...good luck on ur own and this new (old) friend!!