Our Fairy Tale is Over

[Yaads 0]

I admire those of you who can overcome your obstacles and make your relationships work.... people talk about the 'secret' being honest communication, forgiveness, compromise, etc.... but ultimately, the DESIRE to make it work has to be there. I think David gave up on our relationship long ago. We would reconcile, but never REALLY get past the issues. They always lay in wait until the next time and the next time was always worse because of it. In his frustration, he became verbally abusive and that was the true beginning of the end for me.

I think it would have helped had he had some friends to talk with.... so that he could have heard from other men about what's realistic and what's not (with respect to relationships, blended families, etc). I tried to make contacts for him and point him in the right direction, but he was never interested in following through. I don't think he understood that to HAVE a friend, you must first BE a friend. One beer at a bar does not a friendship make. Everything was too much effort. And I don't think he ever really trusted our therapist. He seemed to feel as though everyone was out to get him. Again, that is an inherent part of his personality. He becomes instantly defensive about EVERYTHING. You can't talk someone out of that sort of perspective because they just become more defensive...

I finally made the decision to end the marriage when I realized that his inability to adjust was less about his circumstance than it was about who he is... and I knew that would never change.

Of course, I am not innocent in all of this. I defended myself when I was verbally abused and said things that I am not proud of either... and as I said, I disregarded his needs as well. I was hurt and angry... A couple should bring out the best in each other, not the other way around.

** edited for spelling

You hit the nail on the head. It is all about the desire. If they don't want to adjust it just isn't going to happen. If the willingness isn't there it won't work. What's that saying...you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

I also agree that "love isn't always enough" Marriage is way more than just loving someone but like Mrs.J said one has to live through it to fully understand it.

Jen, you don't have to justify anything to us. You reacted how many of us would or have reacted when faced with such obstacles...you are only human.

I am glad that you are comfortable with your decision and that you made the decision that was right for you and your children. You sound like a very strong woman.

I hope that you both can heal from the pain but remember the good times. May the way you have handled yourself be an inspiration to us all.

[JenT 0]

Thanks Yardie.... but I'd hardly call myself a source of inspiration.... were David to read that (I actually did send the link to this thread to him so he would see that I was trying to characterize this as honestly as I could), I'm sure he'd laugh...

I do humbly appreciate everyone's support and kind words.... I wasn't sure whether this was going to help or hurt. It definitely has helped. I will miss being a part of this VJ family. I know I will still be welcome here, but the context of my belonging will be different.

Jen

[Mrs.J06 4]

Jen, I'm sure a lot of people who read this thread recognize aspects of your relationship and the struggle as something they face in their own lifes.

I certainly do, and I could not agree more with what you said about the desire to make it work. Many times this is the only difference between a marriage that does work out and one that does not.

Maybe that sounds cynical to some, but to me it's just my own experience and does not make my marriage any less special and important to me.

I realize now that with my ex-husband I had reached the point of not wanting to make it work anymore, and that was the end of it, there was no stopping it from there even though we both tried for a while.

Sounds like both of you are beyond that point, and the decision you made was a wise one. Not ending it would have just dragged out the suffering and hurting each other.

So, kudos to you!

[morocco4ever 63]

This sounds awfully similiar to what I experienced. Thanks for sharing, you may want to write your local senator or congressman concerning your story, they need to hear from us.

It doesn't sound to me like it's a fraud situation at all.

Jen, I was so sorry to read this. You write so candidly about it - it really sounds like you've got your head on straight and have come to terms with it. Thanks for sharing your story. All the best.

I couldn't agree with you more Jenn. This has got to be one of the furthest signs of fraud I have heard in this particular forum.

Wow, sorry to hear you are going through this. You did the best you could to save this marriage. Good luck in your future.

[JenT 0]

This sounds awfully similiar to what I experienced. Thanks for sharing, you may want to write your local senator or congressman concerning your story, they need to hear from us.

It doesn't sound to me like it's a fraud situation at all.

Jen, I was so sorry to read this. You write so candidly about it - it really sounds like you've got your head on straight and have come to terms with it. Thanks for sharing your story. All the best.

I couldn't agree with you more Jenn. This has got to be one of the furthest signs of fraud I have heard in this particular forum.

Wow, sorry to hear you are going through this. You did the best you could to save this marriage. Good luck in your future.

Perhaps idocare was not suggesting fraud, but suggesting that there needs to be a way to help couples be together in the US for a length of time without the requirement/constraint of a K1 visa? David visited on the VWP but 6 weeks was not long enough.... Of course, we could have maintained a long distance relationship for longer than we did, but sometimes that's not the answer either.

I don't know what the right answer is... everyone's journey is different.

**edited for spelling... again...

Edited September 19, 2008 by JenT

[gensdad515 2]

Jen, although we do not know each other , I do feel your pain with your situation and I do wish you all the best in the future. I think in all relationships there is a gamble, whether it be someone who lives accross the street or with someone who lives accross the ocean. Yes it adds stress when there are additional factors and differences. But I feel to win you have to gamble. For me at least if I did not try I would be stuck with the 'what if ?' for the rest of my life. You are very brave to post your feelings and what you went through , and that is part of the healing process. I feel we are all brave to take the chances that we do with our relationships. It could have been very well someone who lived accross the street with which the relationship would not have worked out. Would that have made this any easier ? Maybe , maybe not. I think the pain would been the same. You will recover, things will ge better, you will continue as you have shown through your postings.

Best wishes, J.

[LuciansGirl 0]

I'm so sorry to hear this....my heart goes out to you.

[JenT 0]

Jen, although we do not know each other , I do feel your pain with your situation and I do wish you all the best in the future. I think in all relationships there is a gamble, whether it be someone who lives accross the street or with someone who lives accross the ocean. Yes it adds stress when there are additional factors and differences. But I feel to win you have to gamble. For me at least if I did not try I would be stuck with the 'what if ?' for the rest of my life. You are very brave to post your feelings and what you went through , and that is part of the healing process. I feel we are all brave to take the chances that we do with our relationships. It could have been very well someone who lived accross the street with which the relationship would not have worked out. Would that have made this any easier ? Maybe , maybe not. I think the pain would been the same. You will recover, things will ge better, you will continue as you have shown through your postings.

Best wishes, J.

Very true... thanks J.

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

Jen,

I'm so very sorry for your loss and pain.

I admire you for posting this, I admire your courage.

I wish you love, healing, strength and patience. Best of luck to you always.

~Laura

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

I'm so sorry Jen.

Thank you for sharing your story. It really frightened me; but also gave me hope that surviving something like that with dignity and even love is possible. I admire you for that.

It scared me also...how fragile and unsure this whole process is....but like another poster said, if we didn't do this, we'd always be stuck with the "what if's".

Jen, you will find happiness again.

[JenT 0]

I'm reminded of a saying:

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did."

Seems to fit.

[lisa71 0]

JenT, WOW, what a great thread you have started. Firstly, I am so sorry to hear that your fairy tale has ended. I think most of us that were regulars (or semi-regulars like me) 3 and 4 years ago now realise this journey is no walk in the park and is not for the faint hearted.

I can honestly say that I related to almost everything you said. I think my husband would too. Your story or journey sounds way too familiar in so many ways. We too struggled with so many of the adjustments we all had to make. And, at times, it just felt like it was way too hard and not worth the effort. Like some others have posted, we went to marriage counselling and threw the threat of divorce at each other.

I am very pleased to say that 3 years later we have sorted through so many of the issues and are, most days, a happily married couple with kids (step-kids).

Thank you for sharing your story. It has made me realise that we are not alone in what has, sometimes, been a very difficult and painful journey. For us, I think it has been worth it. We have both worked hard on our marriage and are very committed. I hope that you find this in your future!

[2manypapers 0]

((((((((Jen and David))))))

I never post much here, but I remember following your journey and our timelines were very close, we were even married the same day. I am very sorry for your pain and sorrow, sending you hugs and wishes for peace.

2manypapers

[Perseverance 1]

JenT,

I admire you for the courage to post your story. VJ is not always gentle to those who have problems. I have been on the recieving end of that rubbish. For whatever reason people do want to label a falied or failing marriage that involves an immigrant as fraudulent. It does seem to me that no one on VJ really wants to address the hard issues of what is called the adjustment period.

Everyone thinks that once you get your SO here the hard part is over and the reality is that the hardest part is yet to come. My husband and I have had plenty of issues with adjusting. We BOTH had issues. There was a time when I did not think that we were going to make it either, and my heart was broken, I went to counsuling ALONE (he would not go) I was determined to not let myself fall apart. Amazingly enough whatever I was changing was opening his eyes and giving him the will to work on our relationship. He tells me that marriage is he hardest thing he has ever done in his life. It does take 2 to make the marriage work. A marriage where only 1 spouse is working on the marriage is a cold and lonley place.

I was pretty hard on myself during our most rocky periods, but I always had in the back of my mind if I had not filed the documents to bring him here I would have had the "what ifs", to me, "it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" I am so sorry that things did not work out between you. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I hope that one day your reason will make its self clear to you. You are a strong woman and are admired by many.

P

[Caladan 19]

JenT, I'm very sorry to hear this news, and admire your honesty in posting it. You show a grace and maturity, as well as serious introspection, here that is a model for all.