Our Fairy Tale is Over

[Ngoc-Anh 1]

so sorry to hear about your situation....but sometimes it is the best this way!

Good luck to you!

[jodee 30]

Hugs,...so sorry to hear

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Hugs to you

[JenT 0]

Thanks so much everyone.... reading all of your responses brings tears.... I remember answering some similar posts in the past as you are answering me and thinking, "that's so sad... I'm glad that will never happen to us"... and here I am.

I want to be very clear in that this was NOT a case of immigration fraud. He has no desire to stay in the US and is moving back to Germany. The movers are scheduled to pick up his things on October 1st.

This is actually more about being what's best for him.... and my needing to reconcile with the fact that I was not enough... our love was not enough... I mourn what could have been, not what was. I'll be whole again but it's going to take time.

Jen

[*JG* 2]

I'm so sorry Jen.

Thank you for sharing your story. It really frightened me; but also gave me hope that surviving something like that with dignity and even love is possible. I admire you for that.

[JenT 0]

((((((((((JEN))))))))) Reading your post it sounded almost exactly like my current situation (give or take a few details) I'm proud that you stepped up and are divorcing when you know its wrong. I have gone as far as to get the initial paperwork but I have not filed yet and am so scared to do so, even though I know its the right thing to do. I DO love him and I'm so sad to lose someone I felt had so much potential because he isn't really trying. Its so depressing. I wish you the best in your future!

I was trying to decide if/how I wanted to post and update to our story... I was considering posting 'anonymously' but then I read your thread that that's actually what made me decide to write as I did. VJ was a big part of my life 2+ years ago and I thought that posting about the end of my journey might help someone, somewhere.

You wrote "I'm so sad to lose someone I felt had so much potential because he isn't really trying. Its so depressing." and I could have written that exact sentence in my post too. You can only hold onto hope for a one-sided marriage for so long. We are all big enough to know that we can't change someone else.... all you can do is change how you react/respond/behave. You can't create initiative in someone else either... it has to come from within. Marriage, in my opinion, is partially about partnership and compromise. When I realized that there were too many things inherent to David's personality that he would never be able to adjust or compromise on, I decided that remaining in this marriage would have been too much of a battle for both of us. There were too many things that happened between us that resulted in a loss of respect for the other. Once respect is lost, it's almost impossible to be recovered.

I have teenage girls who deserve a better 'marriage model'.... Home should be a sanctuary for kids, not a battleground. David never understood/accepted that my kids are a priority... that was the one thing that I would never compromise on and no matter what triggered an argument, it always came back to the fact that the kids left a cereal bowl in the sink or some other insignificant complaint. Granted, his never being able to give this up meant that it was not insignificant to him, but he judged and criticized my parenting to the point where I was always walking on eggshells. My kids are only with me every two weeks... I share joint custody with their dad. That was not enough of a compromise for David.

Ultimately, I grew weary of the excuses and the refusal to change. The loss of respect affected the way we communicated with each other and it went downhill from there.

"Shhh"…. You'll find the strength to either accept things as they are, or make a change… only you can determine how much compromise you're willing to make.

Jen

[thetreble 19]

Thanks for sharing that very personal and well thought-out story, Jen. It serves as a reminder of the reality of life. Marriages do break down and sometimes, people just can't make it work.

I wish you nothing but luck and success for you and your girls.

[Yaads 0]

Hugs Jen

Thanks for sharing your story, as difficult as it was. I experienced a lot of things incredibly similar to you. Honestly my mouth was dropping at some of the things you posted as I can relate soooo much and could have written the same story last year minus a few details. Fortunately we were able to overcome some of the obstacles with some serious marriage counseling and are working on our marriage still but there was many a day where divorce was the plan.

I sure hope that everyone reads your story and others like it and takes heed. It happens a lot more than we would like and so many people are convinced it won't be them...but alas you never know what life will bring you. The reality is that marriage is hard work and a marriage where you are trying to bring two cultures together and all the other hardships that a LDR and the visa process brings can be truly devastating to a marriage.

Take care Jen. Even though I don't know you well please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need anything please feel free to contact me. Thanks again for sharing your story and for being so candid and honest

Edited September 19, 2008 by Yardiewife

[rika60607 215]

Jen,

what you wrote is beautiful, and heh, reflects my situation too.

Men!.. some of them just never grow up.

You did the right thing and I hope you feel better soon.

Rika

[*JG* 2]

Hugs Jen

Thanks for sharing your story, as difficult as it was. I experienced a lot of things incredibly similar to you. Honestly my mouth was dropping at some of the things you posted as I can relate soooo much and could have written the same story last year minus a few details. Fortunately we were able to overcome some of the obstacles with some serious marriage counseling and are working on our marriage still but there was many a day where divorce was the plan.

I sure hope that everyone reads your story and others like it and takes heed. It happens a lot more than we would like and so many people are convinced it won't be them...but alas you never know what life will bring you. The reality is that marriage is hard work and a marriage where you are trying to bring two cultures together and all the other hardships that a LDR and the visa process brings can be truly devastating to a marriage.

Take care Jen. Even though I don't know you well please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need anything please feel free to contact me. Thanks again for sharing your story and for being so candid and honest

I was thinking much the same, Yardie. I see some things in what she wrote in my own marriage. Some bother me and others not so much.

[broma25 2]

Jen

I am sorry to hear that things did not work out. You have shown complete dignity in the way you posted your story. I wish both you and David well in whatever your futures hold.

I agree also that your kids are your priority.....YOU brought them into the world, and cannot drop them for the new toy!!

Hope you are able to move on to your next phase quickly.

Regards

E

[JenT 0]

Hugs Jen

Thanks for sharing your story, as difficult as it was. I experienced a lot of things incredibly similar to you. Honestly my mouth was dropping at some of the things you posted as I can relate soooo much and could have written the same story last year minus a few details. Fortunately we were able to overcome some of the obstacles with some serious marriage counseling and are working on our marriage still but there was many a day where divorce was the plan.

I sure hope that everyone reads your story and others like it and takes heed. It happens a lot more than we would like and so many people are convinced it won't be them...but alas you never know what life will bring you. The reality is that marriage is hard work and a marriage where you are trying to bring two cultures together and all the other hardships that a LDR and the visa process brings can be truly devastating to a marriage.

Take care Jen. Even though I don't know you well please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need anything please feel free to contact me. Thanks again for sharing your story and for being so candid and honest

I was thinking much the same, Yardie. I see some things in what she wrote in my own marriage. Some bother me and others not so much.

I admire those of you who can overcome your obstacles and make your relationships work.... people talk about the 'secret' being honest communication, forgiveness, compromise, etc.... but ultimately, the DESIRE to make it work has to be there. I think David gave up on our relationship long ago. We would reconcile, but never REALLY get past the issues. They always lay in wait until the next time and the next time was always worse because of it. In his frustration, he became verbally abusive and that was the true beginning of the end for me.

I think it would have helped had he had some friends to talk with.... so that he could have heard from other men about what's realistic and what's not (with respect to relationships, blended families, etc). I tried to make contacts for him and point him in the right direction, but he was never interested in following through. I don't think he understood that to HAVE a friend, you must first BE a friend. One beer at a bar does not a friendship make. Everything was too much effort. And I don't think he ever really trusted our therapist. He seemed to feel as though everyone was out to get him. Again, that is an inherent part of his personality. He becomes instantly defensive about EVERYTHING. You can't talk someone out of that sort of perspective because they just become more defensive...

I finally made the decision to end the marriage when I realized that his inability to adjust was less about his circumstance than it was about who he is... and I knew that would never change.

Of course, I am not innocent in all of this. I defended myself when I was verbally abused and said things that I am not proud of either... and as I said, I disregarded his needs as well. I was hurt and angry... A couple should bring out the best in each other, not the other way around.

** edited for spelling

Edited September 19, 2008 by JenT

[Mrs.J06 4]

This is actually more about being what's best for him.... and my needing to reconcile with the fact that I was not enough... our love was not enough... I mourn what could have been, not what was. I'll be whole again but it's going to take time.

Jen

Jen, I too was following your progress and we discussed moving stuff from Germany once, remember? I was wondering where you were.

I'm very sorry to hear that your marriage is ending.

What you wrote above reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend before moving to the US. We talked about adjustment and homesickness and I dismissed that by saying "but I will be with the person I love". My friend just said "sometimes love is not enough".

I think one has to live through it to really understand what that means. That sometimes, even if we desperately want to, we can not make it work. I'm sure David felt like he made an effort to adjust, too. Sometimes love is not enough to get us through the everyday struggle of finding a decent job, new friends, and coping with homesickness on top ofit.

I wish you strength to finish this relationship with the least possible damage to the two of you, and then strength to heal and move on...

[JenT 0]

This is actually more about being what's best for him.... and my needing to reconcile with the fact that I was not enough... our love was not enough... I mourn what could have been, not what was. I'll be whole again but it's going to take time.

Jen

Jen, I too was following your progress and we discussed moving stuff from Germany once, remember? I was wondering where you were.

I'm very sorry to hear that your marriage is ending.

What you wrote above reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend before moving to the US. We talked about adjustment and homesickness and I dismissed that by saying "but I will be with the person I love". My friend just said "sometimes love is not enough".

I think one has to live through it to really understand what that means. That sometimes, even if we desperately want to, we can not make it work. I'm sure David felt like he made an effort to adjust, too. Sometimes love is not enough to get us through the everyday struggle of finding a decent job, new friends, and coping with homesickness on top ofit.

I wish you strength to finish this relationship with the least possible damage to the two of you, and then strength to heal and move on...

I do remember... your advice was very helpful. It's interesting that you chose that aspect to comment upon. After David I I first met, we maintained a long distance relationship for a few months and I broke it off because I didn't trust that he could be so deeply and completely in love with me, so quickly.. that he could turn his life upside down so easily for me. I have always been a realist and I remember texting him and telling him that "love isn't always enough". I don't remember his exact response but he was defensive and told me that I shouldn't tell him how he was supposed to feel.

Eventually, I wanted to believe in the fairy tale and dismissed some of the reality of the situation... that was my mistake. But I also didn't know enough about him to know whether it would work or not. We decided it was worth a try.

What's that saying? "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...." I suppose that fits.

[Emancipation 2]

Awe Jen.. so sorry to hear about this all.. but bravo for you for being so transparent & honest.. i'm am SURE this will help someone.. still in the wings of this whole journey wondering whether they should enter the madness that ensues with blending cultures, homes & lives. I do hope that you & your girls will find true healing very soon and that when love next comes knocking that you will be whole once again.