Our Fairy Tale is Over

[Dwarf_Ogress 0]

Sorry to hear Jen but I am glad that you are moving on! Looks like I will be traveling that road with you so you won't be alone!

[JenT 0]

Sorry to hear Jen but I am glad that you are moving on! Looks like I will be traveling that road with you so you won't be alone!

I read and posted in your thread and am sorry that you are having to deal with the end of your marriage. As painful as it is right now, do what you need to do to take care of yourself and keep yourself healthy.

Peace has been restored to my home. My girls are laughing again... we're ALL laughing again.... and everyone is much more relaxed. The sight of my truck in my driveway used to fill me with dread, since it used to mean that he was at home, so I have parked the truck at our horse boarding barn for the winter and will trade it in early next spring. He did finally contact my oldest daughter with another wordy email saying the same old things.... but he never bothered to contact my youngest.

I am finally in a healthy relationship and am very happy. We are going to Mexico together for a week next month... I haven't been on a vacation all year (except for long weekends) and I am desperately looking forward to it. I did not expect this to happen so soon, nor did I expect it to be so easy to love again, but when you find the right person, it isn't 'work' at all...

NotMrs.... there is hope.... just take your situation one day at a time and you will get through it.

Jen

[2manypapers 0]

Hi Jen,

I have followed some of your posts, my anniversary was November 5th also, it was a hard day, as my divorce was final on September 25, 2008.

Glad to hear that you and the girls are doing well, you are an inspiration! Have a nice time in Mexico.

2manypapers

[Sinergy 3]

OMG i just saw this JenT im so so sorry to hear this. I have wondered if you were ok and where you were, i never thought of looking in here

i hope your doing ok.

hugs and kisses, Tara (Ionescu)

[*JG* 2]

Sorry to hear Jen but I am glad that you are moving on! Looks like I will be traveling that road with you so you won't be alone!

I read and posted in your thread and am sorry that you are having to deal with the end of your marriage. As painful as it is right now, do what you need to do to take care of yourself and keep yourself healthy.

Peace has been restored to my home. My girls are laughing again... we're ALL laughing again.... and everyone is much more relaxed. The sight of my truck in my driveway used to fill me with dread, since it used to mean that he was at home, so I have parked the truck at our horse boarding barn for the winter and will trade it in early next spring. He did finally contact my oldest daughter with another wordy email saying the same old things.... but he never bothered to contact my youngest.

I am finally in a healthy relationship and am very happy. We are going to Mexico together for a week next month... I haven't been on a vacation all year (except for long weekends) and I am desperately looking forward to it. I did not expect this to happen so soon, nor did I expect it to be so easy to love again, but when you find the right person, it isn't 'work' at all...

NotMrs.... there is hope.... just take your situation one day at a time and you will get through it.

Jen

So, it's going well with your old friend. How exciting and wonderful for you Jen. I continue to wish you only the best. You really do deserve it.

I am jealous of the Mexico part. If you tell me you are going anywhere near any Mayan ruins, I am going to hate on you! Have a shot of Respado or Patron and think of me for a minute.

Please reach out and help NotMrs if you can. She needs someone who completely understands at this time.

[JenT 0]

Hi Jen,

I have followed some of your posts, my anniversary was November 5th also, it was a hard day, as my divorce was final on September 25, 2008.

Glad to hear that you and the girls are doing well, you are an inspiration! Have a nice time in Mexico.

2manypapers

Eventually we will be able to remember what few happy times there were.... now it's a matter of moving on and trying to rise above the anger and disappointment. You'll get through this and you will find your Soul Mate!

Jen

[JenT 0]

OMG i just saw this JenT im so so sorry to hear this. I have wondered if you were ok and where you were, i never thought of looking in here

i hope your doing ok.

hugs and kisses, Tara (Ionescu)

Hi Tara,

Yes... unfortunately, here I am. I used to read the threads in this forum, and even comment about some of them to David... we'd talk about how to keep from winding up like 'them'. I would often talk to him about the day's VJ events and send links to threads. I wondered in the back of my mind why he never bothered to reach out to people here... to find SOME support SOMEWHERE.... but I have my answer now. It would have taken effort and he never did anything that required effort.

Thanks for taking the time to post Tara.... I hope you are doing well.

Jen

[JenT 0]

So, it's going well with your old friend. How exciting and wonderful for you Jen. I continue to wish you only the best. You really do deserve it.

I am jealous of the Mexico part. If you tell me you are going anywhere near any Mayan ruins, I am going to hate on you! Have a shot of Respado or Patron and think of me for a minute.

Please reach out and help NotMrs if you can. She needs someone who completely understands at this time.

Yes, things couldn't be better, actually. Last Friday was my birthday and he drove from Chicago after work on Friday just so he could be here before midnight to give me a birthday kiss We had a wonderful weekend and the kids have met him.... he left this morning for Tennessee to take care of some things for his mother and cook her/her friends Thanksgiving dinner and then he's coming back either late Thurs or on Fri for the weekend again

Things are so calm, peaceful, and easy... they way they should be. A lot of that is helped by the fact that we have 'history', but things happened this way for a reason. I started to regret even having met David, but I learned a lot about myself over the last 3 years and I really am a better person because of it.

I've never been to MX so I don't know where the ruins are but we are going to Cabo San Lucas.... I will definitely have a drink in your honor Kelly!! Thanks for helping me through all of this... I have reached out to Sarah... my heart goes out to her.

Jen

Edited November 24, 2008 by JenT

[SterlingGirl 1]

I'd read through a good many pages of this thread a little while ago, then had to stop, because it was so depressing. Not just because of the relationship ending after what I knew from experience was such a grueling and emotionally trying process, but because you, Jen, seemed to have such a level head and quite a lot of confidence in your relationship at the beginning of it all. A little scary to think of how things can change during the adjustment phase - at the time I first read it, it scared me to think of the possibilities where my own relationship was concerned. I have loads of faith in my hubby, but then, it seemed you did too. Shame how things can stray so far from our best expectations and hopes.

However, I had to reply finally because of how well it seems you're doing in the aftermath. Way to get back up on the horse and continue on like a trooper; I imagine it's a great inspiration for those who may be going through the same confusion and heartache. Good on you.

[JenT 0]

Thanks SterlingGirl... I did have 100% confidence in the relationship. What I couldn't speak for was David's confidence or commitment level. He appeared (and said he was) just as committed as I was... he was willing to move across the ocean at the prospect of a life together, but his actions once he arrived here eventually spoke louder than words. Bottom line is that he did not know HOW to be a husband/partner and wasn't interested in learning/trying to make it work, even though he went through the motions of one year of counseling. Although I do not know the specifics of his personal sessions with the therapist, it was clear from my sessions with her that he was merely interested in being heard. He was not interested in trying to be a better person, nor was he interested in understanding how to work on our relationship. He grew paranoid about us wanting to 'change' him, and the more I fought for the relationship, the further he withdrew because he gave up his vision of a life here. Everything was too much work for him.

When I took a step back from it all and realized that his behavior and the manifestations of his character were not the result of his new environment but were a result of who he was as a person, I knew that I would always be fighting a losing battle. I came to understand this as I pieced together aspects of his past: his relationship with his mother, some the decisions he'd made/not made, how he'd adjusted (or not) to his move from England to Germany 17 yrs earlier, his employment history, his relationship with his ex wife and his daughter... etc.. And fighting a losing battle was NOT how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. He had 'checked out' of the relationship long ago but did not have the courage to do anything about it.

I regret the entire relationship... not because of how it affected me (I'm a big girl and tend to learn from my mistakes rather than repeat them) but because of the fact that his daughter and my two were involved.. They've all been through enough in their short lives and don't deserve to have to learn lessons from such hurt at such a young age. Kids have to grow up too soon as it is.

Edited December 3, 2008 by JenT

[JenT 0]

...A little scary to think of how things can change during the adjustment phase - at the time I first read it, it scared me to think of the possibilities where my own relationship was concerned. I have loads of faith in my hubby, but then, it seemed you did too. Shame how things can stray so far from our best expectations and hopes....

I did want to comment on this, SterlingGirl, because many people who are reading this thread may have the same concerns. I know I did when I ventured in here before David even arrived in the US....

I thought I'd done my homework... I'd learned enough about myself from my first divorce and was finally in a 'good place'. I wasn't looking for a relationship when David and I met, it just happened. I knew my own needs well enough to know whether a relationship with David was possible... and I thought that I could handle whatever came my way during the adjustment period. All of that was only 50% of the equation though. David and I talked about some of the stories in this forum and we vowed to each other that our story would have a happy ending...

Many of us on here have been/are nurturing long distance relationships. We find some comfort in the fact that we HAVE to communicate in order to make the long distance thing work... therefore, that skill 'must' carry over into our relationship when we are finally together. While this certainly helps, it's not something upon which one can hang their hat, especially since very different emotions come into play during the adjustment phase. And since everyone's 'adjustment phase' is different, there is no way to prepare with any degree of certainty.

Here are a few of my 'lessons learned' for whatever they are worth to anyone who is still reading this thread

1. I would have nurtured the long distance relationship longer before getting engaged. Yes, it would have been difficult, yes it would have been expensive. But if I'd spent more time knowing who he really was, and spent more time in his environment, and he in mine, it could have saved a lot of heartache.

2. I would have tried to understand his past a little more objectively, and the reasons for the key decisions he'd made, rather than choosing to spin everything in a positive way. I tend to be a 'glass is half full' kind of person, so I tend to see the positives and trust people more than I probably should.

3. I would have spent more time understanding his relationships with others.... who were his friends? what was his relationship with his family? why had he spent so much time unemployed? why didn't he have a better grasp of the German language, even after having lived there for 17 years?

4. Rather than accept him at his word, I would have looked for evidence in his past about his ability to make good decisions, his maturity, his ability to be in a relationship, his ability to care for other people (selflessness), and his ability to adjust to his circumstances.

5. Rather than accept what he told me as 'explanation', I would have tried to understand whether it really WAS an explanation, or whether it was just an excuse.

6. Anyone can rationalize anything, especially when they are in love... I would have listened more to the advice of my friends, rather than assume that I was the ONLY one who knew better in this situation. They've known me a lot longer than I'd known him and I should have trusted in my relationship with them/their advice more than I did.

There are more, but these are the ones that come to mind most predominantly. If you are reading this and have not yet physically reunited with your loved one, please consider these things, if you have not already done so, as you continue on your journey.

Jen

[sereia 0]

I don't have anything specific to add but I just wanted to say great advice, Jen! I totally agree. You always have such a great way with words.

Edited December 4, 2008 by Sheherazade

[rebeccajo 14]

...A little scary to think of how things can change during the adjustment phase - at the time I first read it, it scared me to think of the possibilities where my own relationship was concerned. I have loads of faith in my hubby, but then, it seemed you did too. Shame how things can stray so far from our best expectations and hopes....

I did want to comment on this, SterlingGirl, because many people who are reading this thread may have the same concerns. I know I did when I ventured in here before David even arrived in the US....

I thought I'd done my homework... I'd learned enough about myself from my first divorce and was finally in a 'good place'. I wasn't looking for a relationship when David and I met, it just happened. I knew my own needs well enough to know whether a relationship with David was possible... and I thought that I could handle whatever came my way during the adjustment period. All of that was only 50% of the equation though. David and I talked about some of the stories in this forum and we vowed to each other that our story would have a happy ending...

Many of us on here have been/are nurturing long distance relationships. We find some comfort in the fact that we HAVE to communicate in order to make the long distance thing work... therefore, that skill 'must' carry over into our relationship when we are finally together. While this certainly helps, it's not something upon which one can hang their hat, especially since very different emotions come into play during the adjustment phase. And since everyone's 'adjustment phase' is different, there is no way to prepare with any degree of certainty.

Here are a few of my 'lessons learned' for whatever they are worth to anyone who is still reading this thread

1. I would have nurtured the long distance relationship longer before getting engaged. Yes, it would have been difficult, yes it would have been expensive. But if I'd spent more time knowing who he really was, and spent more time in his environment, and he in mine, it could have saved a lot of heartache.

2. I would have tried to understand his past a little more objectively, and the reasons for the key decisions he'd made, rather than choosing to spin everything in a positive way. I tend to be a 'glass is half full' kind of person, so I tend to see the positives and trust people more than I probably should.

3. I would have spent more time understanding his relationships with others.... who were his friends? what was his relationship with his family? why had he spent so much time unemployed? why didn't he have a better grasp of the German language, even after having lived there for 17 years?

4. Rather than accept him at his word, I would have looked for evidence in his past about his ability to make good decisions, his maturity, his ability to be in a relationship, his ability to care for other people (selflessness), and his ability to adjust to his circumstances.

5. Rather than accept what he told me as 'explanation', I would have tried to understand whether it really WAS an explanation, or whether it was just an excuse.

6. Anyone can rationalize anything, especially when they are in love... I would have listened more to the advice of my friends, rather than assume that I was the ONLY one who knew better in this situation. They've known me a lot longer than I'd known him and I should have trusted in my relationship with them/their advice more than I did.

There are more, but these are the ones that come to mind most predominantly. If you are reading this and have not yet physically reunited with your loved one, please consider these things, if you have not already done so, as you continue on your journey.

Jen

StirlingGirl's fiance is already here and soon to be her husband, as her signature reveals.

I am all for supporting each other here, especially when we travel the 'visa highways' together. But just as each immigrant visa petition and case are different, so is each relationship. I think it's fairly safe to say there are probably no 'rules' to go by when trying to ascertain whether a formerly long-distance relationship will translate to real day-to-day life or not. I tend to think it a bit unfair, also, to suggest ways to measure a thriving relationship based upon the failure of another. After all, the failure of that relationship is unique in and of itself.

Personally, I believe it matters not how much time one spends in any relationship prior to the marriage. If one chooses to have their 'eyes wide shut' (for whatever reason) it won't matter if the relationship is long distance or around the block. Conversely, it also serves no purpose (in my opinion) to query and examine every adverb and participle of sentences our significant other speaks to us looking for clues behind some imagined meaning of what they aren't really telling us.

StirlingGirl, I would offer you only this. Use your head. Use your heart. Use them together and not separately. Cause them to work together for the entire committed rest-of-your-life. Don't expect your partner to make you happy daily. Don't expect that you will make them happy daily. Do expect that the commitment you make TO EACH OTHER isn't something one or the other of you can force. And don't imagine, for one minute, that just because the other person doesn't live up to your expectations of them, that they are flawed. After all, the flaw could be our own.

Edited December 4, 2008 by rebeccajo

[JenT 0]

StirlingGirl's fiance is already here and soon to be her husband, as her signature reveals.

Yep - was aware of that. Was speaking in generalities. My husband was also here...

I am all for supporting each other here, especially when we travel the 'visa highways' together. But just as each immigrant visa petition and case are different, so is each relationship. I think it's fairly safe to say there are probably no 'rules' to go by when trying to ascertain whether a formerly long-distance relationship will translate to real day-to-day life or not. I tend to think it a bit unfair, also, to suggest ways to measure a thriving relationship based upon the failure of another. After all, the failure of that relationship is unique in and of itself.

I disagree. Inasmuch as I was NOT suggesting one measure their relationship against my personal learnings, I was suggesting that my personal learnings might help others, who have similar concerns, suss out their own situations. I would never be so self-absorbed as to suggest that others measure their relationships against mine, or even take my advice for that matter. I offer my learnings for whatever benefit they may serve for others. That IS why we are here. Or at least, why I am.

Personally, I believe it matters not how much time one spends in any relationship prior to the marriage. If one chooses to have their 'eyes wide shut' (for whatever reason) it won't matter if the relationship is long distance or around the block. Conversely, it also serves no purpose (in my opinion) to query and examine every adverb and participle of sentences our significant other speaks to us looking for clues behind some imagined meaning of what they aren't really telling us.

As you have said, every relationship is unique. Some may well be served my analyzing every adverb... to others it may not matter. Those who are questioning their situations may be well served to step back and do some analyzing. Not everyone communicates as eloquently and clearly as you, Becc. Some might consider reading between the lines of what they are hearing.

Irrespective of whether has one's eyes wide shut or not, I also disagree about your saying that it does not matter how much time one spends with their prospective spouse... but that subject has been covered in countless threads already, so I'm not going to perpetuate it here.

Jen

[rebeccajo 14]

StirlingGirl's fiance is already here and soon to be her husband, as her signature reveals.

Yep - was aware of that. Was speaking in generalities. My husband was also here...

I am all for supporting each other here, especially when we travel the 'visa highways' together. But just as each immigrant visa petition and case are different, so is each relationship. I think it's fairly safe to say there are probably no 'rules' to go by when trying to ascertain whether a formerly long-distance relationship will translate to real day-to-day life or not. I tend to think it a bit unfair, also, to suggest ways to measure a thriving relationship based upon the failure of another. After all, the failure of that relationship is unique in and of itself.

I disagree. Inasmuch as I was NOT suggesting one measure their relationship against my personal learnings, I was suggesting that my personal learnings might help others, who have similar concerns, suss out their own situations. I would never be so self-absorbed as to suggest that others measure their relationships against mine, or even take my advice for that matter. I offer my learnings for whatever benefit they may serve for others. That IS why we are here. Or at least, why I am.

Personally, I believe it matters not how much time one spends in any relationship prior to the marriage. If one chooses to have their 'eyes wide shut' (for whatever reason) it won't matter if the relationship is long distance or around the block. Conversely, it also serves no purpose (in my opinion) to query and examine every adverb and participle of sentences our significant other speaks to us looking for clues behind some imagined meaning of what they aren't really telling us.

As you have said, every relationship is unique. Some may well be served my analyzing every adverb... to others it may not matter. Those who are questioning their situations may be well served to step back and do some analyzing. Not everyone communicates as eloquently and clearly as you, Becc. Some might consider reading between the lines of what they are hearing.

Irrespective of whether has one's eyes wide shut or not, I also disagree about your saying that it does not matter how much time one spends with their prospective spouse... but that subject has been covered in countless threads already, so I'm not going to perpetuate it here.

Jen

Jen -

As you stated somewhere in this thread, your writings are a sort of 'blog'. That's clearly ok - this is a public community. As such, the 'public' - ie SterlingGirl and others like her - will read the bloggings. I believe I could safely say that even though there was no specific 'divorce forum' on VJ when you and I were traveling the LDR part of our relationships, there was the occasional thread about a relationship gone awry and such threads generally drew attention. After all, no one wants to believe their own situation could end up that way. I do think many read these threads in an effort to learn about the uniquenesses of long distance love - an exercise, if you will - in keeping their eyes open. I think that's the case of SterlingGirl - someone looking for information.

As SterlingGirl wrote, she had to stop reading the thread because is was 'too depressing'. She states that you appeared to be level-headed about your relationship, as she believes she is (and likely is btw) and wonders how even level-headed persons can find difficulty with the adjustments we must encounter in these relationships. From those comments, I happen to believe that her concerns are different from what occurred in your situation - again an example of how each case and each relationship are unique.

Which goes back to 'eyes wide shut'. If a person chooses to close their eyes to relationship 'red flags' it WILL NOT MATTER how much time they vest in the early stages of their relationship, or if the relationship happens to be between two persons who live far from each other or near. You yourself have stated that in your case, the signs were clearly there early on, but you chose to ignore them. You state that perhaps had spent more time examining your situation, you would not have married David. I rather doubt that though - you state you were immersed in the process of immigration. I don't say these things as some form of judgment - I've merely read your blog.

At any rate, I do think each relationship is so different that, while it is useful for outsiders to gain knowledge from the writings of others who have gone where they hope not to go, it can also be non-productive. There is an old saying about lying down with dogs and getting up with fleas. Human beings can get themselves into such a state of negativity that it is possible to project those feelings onto a situation. It's a fine line to walk to gain knowledge from the experience of others, and the realization that what we may be going through might not be quite so - terrible.