Our Fairy Tale is Over

[JenT 0]

Hi Everyone,

Two years ago, I never would have thought I'd be posting in this forum, but here I am. I'm angry and bitter and trying very hard to keep it together these days... I haven't posted on (or even accessed) VJ for a very long time because it's too much of a reminder of what was. Things are so different now and the feelings that I remember having 'way back when' seem so distant.

Some of the 'old timers' here know our story.... anyone else who is interested can read our story in my profile. Since I haven't kept up with VJ, I really don't know who's still here... who might be interested…. Rebeccajo, Charles and Nessa, GaryC, Luzy, William33, LisaD, Diaddie….??

I remember reading posts in this forum two years ago and shaking my head in wonder... thinking I was immune to some of these 'issues' much as an adolescent believes they are immune to danger and are immortal. It was foolish of me to think that way. As much as I thought I was being realistic about the challenges of blending households and cultures, I did not account for how unrealistic David was about all of this, despite the fact that we talked about everything, a lot.

After my divorce, I decided that I didn't want to marry again. But after meeting David and deciding that we wanted to build a life together, marriage was the only way (thanks, USCIS). I believed him when he told me that he had nothing keeping him in Germany.. his daughter was almost 18 and lived exclusively with her mother (that should have been one of my parenting-related clues). She had a boyfriend and a life of her own that she was building. David had a very small circle of friends and he had his saxophone. He taught English as a second language (no college or University education)… all things he could easily 're-create' here, as long as his daughter was able to visit. His best friend died of cancer a month of so before he moved to the US and that deeply affected him.

I fell in love with his sense of humor... the loyalty he felt for his friends… and his determination to make some sort of a life for himself in Germany after his divorce. I loved how he expressed himself through his music, how he showed obvious affection for his daughter, and how he enjoyed teaching. I was awestruck that he loved me enough to forsake his life in Germany and move across the ocean to be with me. I loved him for that too.

But David never found 'closure' after leaving Germany. There were warning signs about his personality 'issues' that I chose to either ignore or spin positively… ultimately, he suffered from severe homesickness and depression (and he is borderline obsessive-compulsive), but lived in denial about it. He grew resentful of the fact that I had a full calendar and a life with my two teenage girls. He resented the fact that I had a full-time career that paid very well, while it took him a year and a half to find a job, working as a front desk clerk at a local hotel. Yet, even though he was home alone all day (and I worked 60+ hr weeks), he would not do any housework unless I was right alongside him doing it too.

He was jealous of the time I devoted to my children and I realized that he never really raised a child… he divorced his wife when his daughter was 6. So he missed all of the school-stuff, doctor appointments, nightmares in the middle of the night, sleepovers, clothes shopping, party planning, holiday 'stuff', etc. Even when his ex went out of town, his daughter stayed with a babysitter, instead of staying with him. He didn't know how to share a home with a wife and two teenage daughters. More importantly, he didn't want to try. He became suspicious that we were all out to make him feel like a 'slave'.

He came upon a cruise line for students that was seeking English instructors…. They'd be gone for 4 months at a time, sailing the world while being educated in various subjects. There wasn’t even any negotiation possible. He'd decided he was going to go, regardless of how I felt, without even knowing any details about compensation…. That was when I felt the shred of foundation that was left between us had finally cracked. We kept trying and reconciling. But every argument grew uglier and nastier than the last.

We coached soccer together last fall, in an effort to find some mutual ground, but it was a disaster because he resented the fact that we (Americans) had ruined HIS sport (UK football). His arrogance about everything in Europe being better than everything in the US was growing very wearisome.

He became angry and verbally abusive, to the point where I had to phone 9-1-1 one night this last July just to diffuse the situation. We'd been having computer problems and he accused me of changing settings so that he could not longer access his email… (like I have time to conspire against him like that). It escalated and other issues crept in to the point where the police needed to be called.

Overall, we were in marriage counseling for over a year, separately and independently. I kept up hope for both of us... And the therapist and I tried to help him to find the person that he was, or wanted to be. Everything that was mine was his, but he could never accept it because his pride stood in the way. He was too depressed to listen to music, let alone play, and he never sought to develop any of his own personal relationships. Everything was too much effort. We live in a small Midwest town… he knew what he was getting himself into as I requested that he come to stay with us for 6 weeks before I accepted his proposal. That wasn't enough time for him to really understand what life was going to be like.

Of course I was frustrated by all of this… I knew we were complete opposites but I 'thought' we would balance each other out. Instead, we wound up bringing out the worst in each other. I've been impatient and have overlooked his needs because I've felt so betrayed. He made no effort to change, to meet MY needs, or to make things better. I feel as though he just went to counseling to placate me. If he were to post here, he would tell you that I am controlling… I would have been quite happy to relinquish some of the responsibility for the house and the calendar and our social lives if he'd shown some competency, some desire, and "stepped up", but he did not. He was content to let me do everything and then blame me for doing so. Rather than communicate with me, he'd have conversations with me in his head, decide on the outcome, and then blame me for whatever it was…. He gave up being interested in what I had to say, and quite honestly, I lost interest in what he had to say as well.

I kept trying to remind myself that his was the biggest adjustment and that he needed time…. All of my suggestions to help with the adjustment were looked upon by him as more attempts to control him, so I gave up. He had freedom to come and go as he pleased with full access to one of our vehicles and he took full advantage of that, out of spite. It was ok for him to be gone for hours at a time and I wasn't supposed to ask where he'd gone…. Yet I had to be accountable to him for my plans every day.

Those of you on here who know me also know that this is the most personal information I've ever shared about my life. I am only doing so to emphasize the fact that had we had more time together to date and be a 'normal' couple, I would have learned about our incompatibility long ago. Many of you are able to make it work given the distance and timing…. Many are not. If you see red flags or warning signs, PLEASE pay attention to them. Others had warned of things to watch for as we were going through our immigration process but I thought we were immune to all of it since we HAD built a solid foundation of communication. That ability to communicate seemed to crumble as soon as we shared the same living space.

I'm no longer wondering whether I made the right decision to file for divorce. I still love him, but that is not enough. We don't have enough in common to sustain a marriage… most importantly though, we have both lost the desire to try any longer. We are fundamentally incompatible and we could not have known that in the short time we knew each other before we began the immigration process. I just hope to get past my anger and resentment to resume a happy life with my girls. I'm back in therapy to help with that.

So…. I'll probably still check in on VJ from time to time, but I'm sure I won't be posting much. I wish all of you the best in your relationships and I hope you find the most possible happiness in your lives.

Jen

[Kathryn41 3,205]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((JenT)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry that things didn't work out. You gave it your best shot, but sometimes it isn't enough. Good luck to you in your future and I hope the life becomes good again for you soon. Take care.

[richo 0]

Sorry for your lost (and possibly a greater gain)... its a great courage to post and share your story....God bless to you and wishing you happiness as well

[shhhh 0]

((((((((((JEN))))))))) Reading your post it sounded almost exactly like my current situation (give or take a few details) I'm proud that you stepped up and are divorcing when you know its wrong. I have gone as far as to get the initial paperwork but I have not filed yet and am so scared to do so, even though I know its the right thing to do. I DO love him and I'm so sad to lose someone I felt had so much potential because he isn't really trying. Its so depressing. I wish you the best in your future!

[TracyTN 237]

I'm really sorry to hear this, Jen, but I admire your courage in sharing something that is difficult for you and personal so that you might help someone else avoid the same fate.

All the best to you and your girls.

[walls1010 3]

I am sorry to hear your fairy tales went nightmare. I admired you that you stepped out and I believe God stored someone better for you. Always take care my dear friend and God bless.

[PlatyPius 5]

Aw hell. I'm sorry to hear this Jen.

[KarenCee 3]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Jen)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry things worked out this way for you. I hope you find peace and healing.

[JanaknJanet 0]

Aw hell. I'm sorry to hear this Jen.

Platy.. my feelings as well... damn....

Hun.. hang in there... you deserve to be happy...

[Mags 112]

I'm so sorry, Jen. I hope you find happiness again.

[idocare 3]

This sounds awfully similiar to what I experienced. Thanks for sharing, you may want to write your local senator or congressman concerning your story, they need to hear from us.

Edited September 19, 2008 by idocare

[*julez* 124]

Jen, I am so sorry to hear about this. You're doing all the right things to cope, and I hope that you will find peace and happiness soon.

[Jenn! 918]

This sounds awfully similiar to what I experienced. Thanks for sharing, you may want to write your local senator or congressman concerning your story, they need to hear from us.

It doesn't sound to me like it's a fraud situation at all.

Jen, I was so sorry to read this. You write so candidly about it - it really sounds like you've got your head on straight and have come to terms with it. Thanks for sharing your story. All the best.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Hello Jen,

Thank you for sharing. This is an eye opener for me. I was reading in another forum about culture shock that heighten my awareness.

I appreciate your time & trust to share the intimate details of your story.

You are blessed.

Missy

[Nagishkaw 510]

Thank you, Jen, for sharing this personal story. I am wishing you all the best, and may God continue to grant you grace.