having a tough time with the American/Chinese culture

[cguo7 0]

Hi there hope you can help me through a really difficult time. Mentally and physically I'm stressed out. I'm an American and I fell in love with someone from China. Last year we had agreed that he would come to the US on an I-129 visa and we would get married there. Now his mother is making a big fuss and wants us to marry in China. We agreed but she is making more demands. Her last request was that we stay an extra two years. Originally, we thought to appease her, but now she says she doesn't want us to marry this year at all. She is trying to keep him in China. She has told us that she will commit suicide if he leaves for America. Her family has a past history of this and she has attempted suicide (before I came into the picture). I can understand her fear of losing her son because she has only him. She doesn't want to listen to our assurances that either we will come visit her or she will come to the US eventually. All she can think of is keeping him here. Now, she's threatening to write a letter to the Chinese courts to refuse him a visa to America. I don't think she has any valid reasons that the court would listen, but again, i am worried because she seems like she will do anything to keep him here. I understand bits and pieces of the Chinese culture because I am Chinese American, but I find it difficult to accept because she is of the old tradition and thinks whatever she says and does is law. She is making things difficult for me and I know she's still scheming to try and split my fiancee and myself up. I'm really hurt and frustrated by her actions. She is very extreme. I don't want her son to feel so bad, but he and I have agreed that with or without her approval, we will get married in China. She will definitely be upset, but she is not giving us any leeway and has not tried to look at the big picture so we have not been able to compromise. Any advice? Can she actually inluence the decision of the Chinese or American govt? My fiancee has no criminal record so I'm not sure what she would say. thanks for your help.

[payxibka 10,047]

A visa to the US is a US governemnt decision and not a Chinese government decision.

[Mononoke28 135]

That's correct. There is nothing she can do to stop the visa process so you're ok with that part of the problem.

It's also hard for me to understand the Chinese culture. My best friends from high school were from China and it was hard for me to understand why they had to do everything their parents told them to, even if they were way passed 18 years of age. They told me that that's the way it was back in China, that parents have a say in whatever they do and they have to obey. Then another friend of mine got married and had five girls. Last time I spoke with her was when she was 25 years-old and was pregnant with her 6th child. I asked her why she had so many children when she only planned on having two, and she said that her mother in law told her and her husband that they had to keep trying until they had a boy. The sad and worst part of it was that she was pregnant with her 6th daughter. I haven't talked to her in over 10 years but it wouldn't surprise me if she ended up having more children.

I think the best thing would be to stay out of it and let your husband decide for himself. That way you won't be to blame for whatever happens with his mother and hopefully he will make the right decision.

Diana

[pedroh 21]

mamma's boys are in every culture

[chri'stina 190]

I am sorry to hear you are going through this situation. We faced some hurdles too but not as severe as what you wrote. It wasn't easy, but we did it anyway.

I can understand his mother not wanting him to leave if she only has him. Does she have good friends or anyone else around at all? Maybe she is scared more than anything, of being alone. That is really understandable.

I am not sure how this situation would be handled. I know love and being together is very important and if it was just a case of them not wanting you to marry for traditional reasons, I think sometimes those rules should be broken, parents shouldn't control a child's life forever. The child should make their own choices when they are adults. But when it's about someone who will be totally alone when their child leaves, that makes the situation much much harder.

I agree with Mononoke that this has to be handled between your SO and his mother. I don't think there will be an easy solution but I wish you all the best!

Edited September 16, 2008 by Parivar CSK

[MrsCat 6]

Tell her your preggers. That will change her mind. Not sure how you'll explain no baby in 9 month, but the beauty is that you'll have 9 months to think something up.. jk

Seriously, that sucks to have a MIL who isn't playing ball and won't let go. Be thankful that you'll be across the ocean and not next door. Things will work out. You sponsoring him has nothing to do with his mother, and there's no real way she can stop this from happening in a legal sense. She can try in her own manipulative way with him - but that's where he has to stand strong.

Best wishes.

[LuckyDucky 0]

This is tough. I don't think, legally, she can do anything. Both of you are consenting adults. If he doesn't have a criminal record, then there's no reason why the Chinese government can hold him.

I think the heart of the matter is the mother. Has your fiance already made his decision to not let his mother influence him? As Mononoke28 said, I think your fiance will ultimately have to make the decision. My mother was opposed to my marrying, though nowhere near the same extreme. However, I ultimately had to make the choice.

[Saddle Bronc 124]

DCF?

[Niels Bohr 72]

Is there a problem for you living there in China with him? If you do love him, you do not need to live together. Spending a year working enough so that you'll accumulate the income for you to adjust.

If you are serious with him, the best option is for you to migrate to China. Look for a job there. Your fiancee will do it for you, why can't you do it for him?

[cguo7 0]

i wanted to thank everyone for their input, i appreciate any advice i get. There is no way I could survive in China and my fiancee wants to come to the US with me. his mother has friends and family here. She is understandably upset, and only focused on the negative issues. I really hope she will accept this. I do understand it is his decision to deal with his mother, but even he is helpless right now. He is frustrated she won't see reason, but he's not going to stay with her for the rest of his life because he has told me before she doesn't give him room to breathe - she tries to contol everything he does. He is a good son, so it's just a trying time for him now. thank you guys again!

[IAMX 3,055]

I think he needs to be the man here and tell his family what he thinks, i.e. stand right up to them and show who's boss of this circumstance. Here in the U.S. most people won't let their family dictate who is with who. My family is well aware that they have no say-so in who I'm with, and their approval is not necessary, that mine is the only one that matters. This needs to be emphasized quickly and move on from it.

Edited September 17, 2008 by SRVT

[Saddle Bronc 124]

For cguo7: my FIL also had issues about doing a K-1--he wanted to have a wedding done in India (where he could have some control and "Hinduise" it), but we went through with K-1 and US wedding.

[morocco4ever 63]

To be honest I would be very cautious before I married this man. She obviously is very against this marriage, and it seems she will stop at nothing to cause problems. Now imagine that you did marry him, well this is what you can expect for your entire marriage.

First off it is his mother, he needs to handle this himself. Your job is to watch and see how he handles it. Does he let her get under his skin and give in on issues? Or does he handle her well, and make choices for his own life?

The latter would be a good sign. The former, well I would have to give it those 2 or more years that his mother has requested before I would proceed.