Sub-Saharan cyber cafe # 2

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Justice my husband was also very self conscious about the same thing. When he went to work and was surrounded by people other than me it helped him so much, and he realised that his accent was not as much as he thought it was. They way he speaks is so differently now that sometimes when he speaks to people back home they dont know what he is saying they tell him that he sounds like an American now. Justice was also pretty depressed until he started working, being home all day was hard on him. It is a hard thing for an African man to stay home and see his wife go to work. These kinds of issues make the adjustment period so difficult and trying at times. It does get better, it just takes time and patience, things do get better and easier. Justice and I had a very hard time for the first year that he was here, before he came we never had a fight, we could work through disagreements, after he came here we had many fights, we both realise now that a huge factor in that was the adjustment period and his depression when he came here. Marriage is not an easy road to begin with, and then when you add in all of the immigration factors, it can break up a marriage if you are not cognisant of what is happening. I wish that we talked about this issue more in this forum, but those kinds of conversations always seem to turn into a flame war. I remember thinking that I was the only one going through this...but the reality was we all go through it to one degree or another, we just dont talk about it.

I hear you. I do think that there is a difference between, we're having adjustment pains and my marraige is coming to an end. But somehow, that doesn't translate well on VJ. Especially for those who are still grieving or dealing with bitterness. Anywhoo......I know Bassi and I are going through adjustment STUFF now. But I expected it. So, I'm not surprised. We are committed to growing old together. I keep telling him that I have to have the teeth first because I get hungry sooner. He laughs and laughs cause he thinks I plan tooo far in advance.

[Zee Bee 61]

This is an e-mail I sent to my friends:

Its not a dream. This is real.

I woke up this morning with a renewed sense of calm.

The entire world was watching like never before, wondering if the American people were smart enough to understand that we need change.

Yesterday the people spoke, and we picked a president that the whole world wanted. Watching the celebrations around the world you could tell that it was not only us who was going to be affected by this vote.

Up next for Obama is really bringing the change he says he is going to bring. He needs to prove not only to us, but to the world, that he means business. He needs to follow through for the millions of people who have put their faith in his message, their hopes in his hands.

As for McCain, his concession speech was great (except for the booing), but its sad that his speech made him look more presidential than he ever portrayed himself in the primaries. If that was the McCain I had seen, the one who spoke with so much emotion and conviction, I would have had a harder time voting.

In the end, we hope and pray that the best man won. We needed someone to ignite a fire that has not burned for the last eight years, to make us believe that we could do better, to deliver a message of hope that we could believe in.

We needed someone to come along and say: Yes we can.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Justice my husband was also very self conscious about the same thing. When he went to work and was surrounded by people other than me it helped him so much, and he realised that his accent was not as much as he thought it was. They way he speaks is so differently now that sometimes when he speaks to people back home they dont know what he is saying they tell him that he sounds like an American now. Justice was also pretty depressed until he started working, being home all day was hard on him. It is a hard thing for an African man to stay home and see his wife go to work. These kinds of issues make the adjustment period so difficult and trying at times. It does get better, it just takes time and patience, things do get better and easier. Justice and I had a very hard time for the first year that he was here, before he came we never had a fight, we could work through disagreements, after he came here we had many fights, we both realise now that a huge factor in that was the adjustment period and his depression when he came here. Marriage is not an easy road to begin with, and then when you add in all of the immigration factors, it can break up a marriage if you are not cognisant of what is happening. I wish that we talked about this issue more in this forum, but those kinds of conversations always seem to turn into a flame war. I remember thinking that I was the only one going through this...but the reality was we all go through it to one degree or another, we just dont talk about it.

You echoed my thoughts exactly

Truthfully I have been debating for a while about posting a thread about this topic, but from my past experiences in this forum when I reached out about a difficult situation I got the beat down from several members. It only added to my already stressful situation.

see, thats cuz you aint have the right peeps for back up, next time call the wonder twins Z and Z B)

I'm a pacifist. You must mean the other Z.

[Zee Bee 61]

Justice my husband was also very self conscious about the same thing. When he went to work and was surrounded by people other than me it helped him so much, and he realised that his accent was not as much as he thought it was. They way he speaks is so differently now that sometimes when he speaks to people back home they dont know what he is saying they tell him that he sounds like an American now. Justice was also pretty depressed until he started working, being home all day was hard on him. It is a hard thing for an African man to stay home and see his wife go to work. These kinds of issues make the adjustment period so difficult and trying at times. It does get better, it just takes time and patience, things do get better and easier. Justice and I had a very hard time for the first year that he was here, before he came we never had a fight, we could work through disagreements, after he came here we had many fights, we both realise now that a huge factor in that was the adjustment period and his depression when he came here. Marriage is not an easy road to begin with, and then when you add in all of the immigration factors, it can break up a marriage if you are not cognisant of what is happening. I wish that we talked about this issue more in this forum, but those kinds of conversations always seem to turn into a flame war. I remember thinking that I was the only one going through this...but the reality was we all go through it to one degree or another, we just dont talk about it.

You echoed my thoughts exactly

Truthfully I have been debating for a while about posting a thread about this topic, but from my past experiences in this forum when I reached out about a difficult situation I got the beat down from several members. It only added to my already stressful situation.

see, thats cuz you aint have the right peeps for back up, next time call the wonder twins Z and Z B)

I'm a pacifist. You must mean the other Z.

Guilty as charged

[reeses16 8]

I didn't read all the prior posts. But I think its good to talk about adjustment. I definitely learned a lot from VJ especially about what to expect. If people aren't comfortable starting a thread...there's always PM.

We had a difficult first year because of all of the immigration stuff (not able to work, drive, job search). But it made us closer and more appreciative of everything we have accomplished. We also use a lot of humor in our relationship. And try not to stress when we have a miscommunication.

[ForeverAmen 0]

O, Bassi and I have had arguments last for days over misunderstandings. And this is what I have found. I DID hear him correctly the first time! The problem comes from how I interpret what I heard. Words seem to have different connotations for me and for him. I've had to learn to listen to him and then when I'm angry (which seems to happen in a heartbeat) take a deep breath and try to rephrase what I heard based on my understanding. 90% of the time, he didn't mean what I thought he meant. Sometimes, he'll explain what he and his friends/tribe mean when they say certain words in certain situations. And sometimes he's making obscure references to stuff I know nothing about (like a football player who has a propensity for certain behavior and has the nickname Water ) so I totally can't understand what he meant until he tries to explain it a different way.

Stevi, there are some things in our relationship that I have had to tell Bassi, Look, this is who I am and you aren't big enough to change me. Only God can change me so just love me through it. I realize that he may think it's not a good thing or want me to change, but he has to let it go and let it be. I've just found that easier than trying to explain why I do something. Sometimes I'm just completely irrational, deal with it man!

Uno, just couldn't let it slide!! My mother in law asked me if I'm pregnant. We've been married for 4 months. She probably thinks I'm broken.

O, I got that comforter last year at Sears in all green. It's soo warm. I love it. But I need another one cause Bassi is a blanket hog!

Where's LL and P? Still running through the streets screaming?

The same is true for me and my husband.

Boaz

[Ta Ta 1]

O, Bassi and I have had arguments last for days over misunderstandings. And this is what I have found. I DID hear him correctly the first time! The problem comes from how I interpret what I heard. Words seem to have different connotations for me and for him. I've had to learn to listen to him and then when I'm angry (which seems to happen in a heartbeat) take a deep breath and try to rephrase what I heard based on my understanding. 90% of the time, he didn't mean what I thought he meant. Sometimes, he'll explain what he and his friends/tribe mean when they say certain words in certain situations. And sometimes he's making obscure references to stuff I know nothing about (like a football player who has a propensity for certain behavior and has the nickname Water ) so I totally can't understand what he meant until he tries to explain it a different way.

Stevi, there are some things in our relationship that I have had to tell Bassi, Look, this is who I am and you aren't big enough to change me. Only God can change me so just love me through it. I realize that he may think it's not a good thing or want me to change, but he has to let it go and let it be. I've just found that easier than trying to explain why I do something. Sometimes I'm just completely irrational, deal with it man!

Uno, just couldn't let it slide!! My mother in law asked me if I'm pregnant. We've been married for 4 months. She probably thinks I'm broken.

O, I got that comforter last year at Sears in all green. It's soo warm. I love it. But I need another one cause Bassi is a blanket hog!

Where's LL and P? Still running through the streets screaming?

Thanks Bassie's Z for your thoughts on that. It helps to know that I am not the only one going through communication issues.

And it is interesting to hear how others resolve or deal with it and we can all learn from each other.

I also want to say that I fully realize that the big adjustment happens when he will be physically here but we have been

talking, communicating, solving problems and resolving issues (and yes get stuck with the same old same old sometimes) over the last 3 1/2 years and we are experiencing a lot of adjusting issues now being apart. We are beginning to comingle our financial and other decisions, one does not make anymore decisions without the other agreeing equally etc.

I have been independant for so long that it is hard for me to now consult my man on issues he should have a say in even though he is not here. I am learning that. I no longer disregard his opinion on things but I listen and we decide together.

Remodeling my home, building a church in S/L and trying to get a business going in S/L have been good reference points to

see how we each deal with it individually and together. We have to work through some tough issues and tears flow and hang ups happen but in the end we come out stronger each time. I see the steps of progress continuing. When his mouth drops and he says 'you did whaaat ?' then I know it should have been discussed a lot sooner.

Making decisions now together as if we are already together here, that is what I mean. So when he gets here we already have a foundation to built on.

I know the crabbienes and issues about not having work, missing home, sitting around , adjusting to all new things and ways is still coming but I feel kind of like the lone ranger here realizing that right now our relationship is changing by adjusting into a closer

union even while being apart and I believe it is because of the extremely long time of 3 1/2 years. Rose colored glasses have come off a long time ago and reality has been dealt with. Romantic blah blah has been replaced with a deeper bond of substance.

So it seems I don't quiet fit in experience with those whose SO is here , neither with the ones who have only waited a normal processing time of 9-18 months or so before living under the same roof.

I do know that 31/2 years does change the relationship. Either it falls apart or gets stronger and we compromise more, work together as one as much as the distance allows. I guess I just fit between a rock and a hard place and this kind of 'together but apart' adjustment is a horse of it's own color.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Anyone out there who can relate or is going through the ' together but apart ' adjustment period ? I am going through it currently.... listening, learning, crying, laughing, fussing and pulling my hair out.

Changing myself to be fair. Growing pains....ouch !

[Ta Ta 1]

Good night subbies

[Simply_Uno 1]

kinda early to bed last nite Omoba

good morning all

[Ban Hammer 13,551]

good morning everyone

[Zee Bee 61]

Top of the morning

[ForeverAmen 0]

Good Morning!

[Nagishkaw 510]

Good morning, everyone!

O, how's everything with you? I miss you!!!!!!!

[Ta Ta 1]

Naggie, all is good, miss you too

[Nagishkaw 510]

Thank God, eh? Things are not as strained as they were, just worried cos his I-94 expires tomorrow ( we put in for an expedite ), he just can't up and quit that job with millions here out of work and me on the disabled list.