Women,does your spouse help you with finances for the visa process or are you doing it alone?

[brown_eyes 0]

Some excellent stories here...

Both my partner and I have discussed money related issues and we feel the more we talk now the better off we'll be after we're married. We've both just heard way too many horror stories about couples and financial distress. He does pay for just about everything but I do my best to show him the appreciation I have for what he contributes to our relationship. When it comes time to file for the Visa I have no doubt that we'll work it out and I'm sure he'll offer to pay for it all, but I am more than happy to split the cost or however it works out.

If it ever were a situation where we were living in Canada I know I'd be the breadwinner and I'd have no issues with that. I own my own home and am just a few years away from being mortgage free so that would be an even lesser burden on us. How I see it is that I have been working my butt off all these years to be able to share my riches with the man I love -- and now that I have met him I can finally make that happen!

To the OP, I think you just need to reconnect emotionally to your husband. Put aside your man/woman roles for a while and know that you can't hold on those too tightly due to your circumstances of being apart on opposite ends of the earth. If it's appreciation and validation you seek then talk to him and see how he's feeling about things. You may find that you can overcome this huge emotional hurdle and become even closer as a result.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I cant count how many times someone posts a thread saying: I paid all this and bla bla bla and this is how you treat me?!?! This is a recipe for disaster! One shouldnt feel indebted to their partner.

I understand that Mahitab came here thinking there was no other outlet for her..

but O_M_G, if my husband posted something like this on a message board for the whole world to see... I would feel VERY betrayed. It would make me question everything on so many levels.

Thank God we talk about everything until its settled! (sometimes beating it to death hee hee)

I wish you the best Mahitab. I know this whole process is stressful. I see that you have talked to him since the OP. Thats good, and I hope you guys can or have already worked through it.

As someone else pointed out. You will be supporting yourself,your kids and him until he gets work. If you are feeling resentful already.. you should prepare yourself for that feeling to amplify greatly once he gets here.

Im not saying any of this to be hurtful. I just hope you find a way to work through these feelings with your husband.

Lisa

[njaxfl 0]

Hello! I am the female, US citizen and he is the Pakistani citizen awaiting an NOA2. Ok, my question is did any of your spouses help out with the financial side of the visa processing or did you have to do it alone? My spouse kept telling me he would send $ to help, but he never did. He has been saying he would send $120 (which I consider a modest amount but I thought it'd be nice for him to help me atleast to show he cared) but he has not sent me one penny. I feel hurt, but I know he does not have a lot of $ in American terms. But, he did tell me he'd do it but then never does so it makes me feel he is ungrateful because I have kids and he always says I never call him, etc. But, all my $ is invested in the lawyer and this immigration process. Also, in Islam the man is supposed to take care of the woman; not the other way around. My dad says he is not a "fit" husband and that when he gets here he will want me to take care of him and he feels I have married the wrong man. So, I need advice here especially from females....because I think men are the ones paying for their wives expenses here anyway. But, for the women are you paying for your man's expenses or is helping you out? Please reply ASAP!

Mahitab

I feel bad about your situation even u got a job.In my case,my husband paid every penny..everything.He's your husband and it's his reponsibilty to take care of you and your children.I dont want o judge him or anything like that but your dad is probably right.But,we all deserve a chance.Goodluck and just think that you are doing the right thing to make this all possible.

Edited September 12, 2008 by Chrislyn29

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Hello! I am the female, US citizen and he is the Pakistani citizen awaiting an NOA2. Ok, my question is did any of your spouses help out with the financial side of the visa processing or did you have to do it alone? My spouse kept telling me he would send $ to help, but he never did. He has been saying he would send $120 (which I consider a modest amount but I thought it'd be nice for him to help me atleast to show he cared) but he has not sent me one penny. I feel hurt, but I know he does not have a lot of $ in American terms. But, he did tell me he'd do it but then never does so it makes me feel he is ungrateful because I have kids and he always says I never call him, etc. But, all my $ is invested in the lawyer and this immigration process. Also, in Islam the man is supposed to take care of the woman; not the other way around. My dad says he is not a "fit" husband and that when he gets here he will want me to take care of him and he feels I have married the wrong man. So, I need advice here especially from females....because I think men are the ones paying for their wives expenses here anyway. But, for the women are you paying for your man's expenses or is helping you out? Please reply ASAP!

Mahitab

I feel bad about your situation even u got a job.In my case,my husband paid every penny..everything.He's your husband and it's his reponsibilty to take care of you and your children.I dont want o judge him or anything like that but your dad is probably right.But,we all deserve a chance.Goodluck and just think that you are doing the right thing to make this all possible.

Almost every culture agrees that the man "should" support the family. Unfourtunatly, that is simply impossible in many situations. If one wants a man to support her, then she should try and find one. But, most everyone goes into with eyes wide open.

[JoBri 545]

Before I married my wife, she already knew I am not wealthy. She was going to pay to come here as a visitor last year, but the US Embassy denied her a visitor visa because they suspected she was in love and they were afraid she would not return to the Phils. So, we decided we would go ahead and just marry, and get her herre that way, no more walls to seperate us. She then used the money she would have used for herself to fly me there, and she insisted on paying the hotel bill too so that I "would not have any concern at all and just enjoy being there".

Now I am working 16 hours a day, trying to pay off all my bills before she gets here, as well as to generate the funds for getting her here. I bought a new and beautiful bed for us, and a chest of drawers and a wardrobe closet for her, ($700+) and am going to be painting the bedroom and furniture in colors she wants. I paid the costs for the I-130 and I-129F (~$450?). I sent her the money for getting her police certificate from Indonesia since she lived there a year (that was $120). I am doing all I can to earn enough for the flight there for her interview. She would feel better if I were there, and I would be able to answer any question they have regarding our love and sincerity. That will cost approximately $2000-$2500 for me to go there. I also will be paying her way here, approximately $1200-1500.

Non-monitary costs have been the huge investment in time and energy (sweat and tears... hehe) trying to figure out the whole immigration process, assembling everything to together to be sent. I continue to think of what I can do to make things better for her when she is here. I decided on what gym she would be happiest going to, and calculated the cost of that. I added her to my car title, and have all the info for her getting her drivers license here. I bought her a cell phone so that she will never feel cut off from anywhere or anybody here, and have a phone plan for both of us already. I already investigated everything for the school she will go to here, for becoming a special ed teacher. I made he a hand-beaded thing for a key ring, with her name in beadwork on it. I have a laundry basket with her name on it just for her, and one just for me... silly little things like that, but all sorts of little things to make her a part of here when she gets here. little things I can do now, to focus on now, while waiting for her.

Brian in Tennessee

[sara..... 371]

Before I married my wife, she already knew I am not wealthy. She was going to pay to come here as a visitor last year, but the US Embassy denied her a visitor visa because they suspected she was in love and they were afraid she would not return to the Phils. So, we decided we would go ahead and just marry, and get her herre that way, no more walls to seperate us. She then used the money she would have used for herself to fly me there, and she insisted on paying the hotel bill too so that I "would not have any concern at all and just enjoy being there".

Now I am working 16 hours a day, trying to pay off all my bills before she gets here, as well as to generate the funds for getting her here. I bought a new and beautiful bed for us, and a chest of drawers and a wardrobe closet for her, ($700+) and am going to be painting the bedroom and furniture in colors she wants. I paid the costs for the I-130 and I-129F (~$450?). I sent her the money for getting her police certificate from Indonesia since she lived there a year (that was $120). I am doing all I can to earn enough for the flight there for her interview. She would feel better if I were there, and I would be able to answer any question they have regarding our love and sincerity. That will cost approximately $2000-$2500 for me to go there. I also will be paying her way here, approximately $1200-1500.

Non-monitary costs have been the huge investment in time and energy (sweat and tears... hehe) trying to figure out the whole immigration process, assembling everything to together to be sent. I continue to think of what I can do to make things better for her when she is here. I decided on what gym she would be happiest going to, and calculated the cost of that. I added her to my car title, and have all the info for her getting her drivers license here. I bought her a cell phone so that she will never feel cut off from anywhere or anybody here, and have a phone plan for both of us already. I already investigated everything for the school she will go to here, for becoming a special ed teacher. I made he a hand-beaded thing for a key ring, with her name in beadwork on it. I have a laundry basket with her name on it just for her, and one just for me... silly little things like that, but all sorts of little things to make her a part of here when she gets here. little things I can do now, to focus on now, while waiting for her.

Brian in Tennessee

awe thats sweet good luck to u and ur wife and i hope that u dont have any problems with the process......

i do silly stuff like that too for perviz bought him a razor........clothing for summer and winter........just little things that i missed when i was in india that i thought he might like here........it really helps fill in the time that u wait........

sara

[squentna 0]

... the man is supposed to take care of the woman...

This is true. I'm the USC husband with spouse in Santiago Chile, plus: Eilat, Barcelona, London (... and I send "the Fish" and her daughter $2,000 (USD) to $4,000 per month and have been sending it for about 18 months now and they do their best to keep me broke. I suffer so much. But eventually they will arrive and I won't have to duplicate all the expenses. "The Fish" doesn't contribute any money, she just spends it. I might add that when we started the relationship she did say: "show me the money" so I did. She's 60 years old and has learned some things. Why do I call her "the fish"? That's her name! But now I'm beginning to suspect I'm the fish... true story.

[gogo 6]

$2,000-$4,000 per month.. that's expensive.. she should help save money and only need the minimum.. that's very wasteful.. what happens if she arrives.. you think that she will stop the spending habits??.. I only send my wife $100 per month on average.. that's plenty for people who live in China.. even in Chile or those other countries you mention, $500-$1,000 would be plenty..

1 U.S. dollar = 2,145.92275 Venezuelan bolivars

(straight from Google Conversion)

http://www.payscale.com/research/VE/City=Barcelona/Salary

Average Salary : 115,961,000

$54,061..

Edited September 15, 2008 by gogo

[suisa_pab 0]

Hello! I am the female, US citizen and he is the Pakistani citizen awaiting an NOA2. Ok, my question is did any of your spouses help out with the financial side of the visa processing or did you have to do it alone? My spouse kept telling me he would send $ to help, but he never did. He has been saying he would send $120 (which I consider a modest amount but I thought it'd be nice for him to help me atleast to show he cared) but he has not sent me one penny. I feel hurt, but I know he does not have a lot of $ in American terms. But, he did tell me he'd do it but then never does so it makes me feel he is ungrateful because I have kids and he always says I never call him, etc. But, all my $ is invested in the lawyer and this immigration process. Also, in Islam the man is supposed to take care of the woman; not the other way around. My dad says he is not a "fit" husband and that when he gets here he will want me to take care of him and he feels I have married the wrong man. So, I need advice here especially from females....because I think men are the ones paying for their wives expenses here anyway. But, for the women are you paying for your man's expenses or is helping you out? Please reply ASAP!

Mahitab

Yes she did.

I paid the fees that go along with the process and she paid the fees with her medical exam, photos, police certificate, birth certificate, marriage certificate, wedding expenses, lawywer fees (for our wedding).

As many here have stated....it's a 50 / 50 type of thing.

Good luck.

[vareska 3]

Hello! I am the female, US citizen and he is the Pakistani citizen awaiting an NOA2. Ok, my question is did any of your spouses help out with the financial side of the visa processing or did you have to do it alone? My spouse kept telling me he would send $ to help, but he never did. He has been saying he would send $120 (which I consider a modest amount but I thought it'd be nice for him to help me atleast to show he cared) but he has not sent me one penny. I feel hurt, but I know he does not have a lot of $ in American terms. But, he did tell me he'd do it but then never does so it makes me feel he is ungrateful because I have kids and he always says I never call him, etc. But, all my $ is invested in the lawyer and this immigration process. Also, in Islam the man is supposed to take care of the woman; not the other way around. My dad says he is not a "fit" husband and that when he gets here he will want me to take care of him and he feels I have married the wrong man. So, I need advice here especially from females....because I think men are the ones paying for their wives expenses here anyway. But, for the women are you paying for your man's expenses or is helping you out? Please reply ASAP!

Mahitab

I really recommend that you talk openly about this with your husband, not just "I have kids to support, and you don't understand me" kind of talk, but rather tell him how it makes you feel as a person, as a woman, a Muslim woman, whatever.

I know that for mu husband and me, money was the one thing we could not talk about. Everything, everything in the world we can be open about, but money was always the issue. He felt embarassed because he is a student and does not work at the time, so I am carrying all the costs currently. I have always sensed that he is embarassed about it, and therefore have not raised the topic with him at all. I had moments when I would say to myself alright I understand his situation, but I would appreciate if he sometimes just asked about it, if he asked if I had the money at the moment and things like that. We both were holding back and had uncomfortable moments with the money issue, until I have decided one day that this is NOT the way and not at all like a relationship I should have with my HUSBAND. So I openly said let's talk money, we both just said our side what we can and cannot do, reasons why and assured one another that the current money situation is not the picture of how our financial management will be once we are living together. He has nothing to make up to me just because I am paying for everything now, we are in this together, because for me the issue of us not openly talking about our feelings was far more important in my eyes than anything. If I had continued to spare his feelings as the one not making the cheddar, I would do disadvantage to us both: he'd continue feeling small for not making the money "like a man should" , and I'd continue feeling unappreciated.

Talk to your husband and god bless

[JoBri 545]

You shouldnt have done that...... I think u guys sud work things out on ur own.

Wow, 10-20 minutes call a night? How I wish I could do that with my wife. I also dont make much money, but am working 16 hours each day as much as I am allowed, to earn enough to get her here. $120 I sent for the police record was a huge amount, to me. Financially it is a huge struggle.... She wants me to work less, because she is afraid for my health, but I only want MORE hours, so I can get it all done. I just hope I can send her flowers soon... somethig frivolous... "just because".

[merijan 0]

Well my hubby is also from Pakistan. However when we started the visa process he was in Uk and worked there also. It was easier for him to save the money and he also borrowed to help. However, if were still in Pakistan it would have been harder, since the money they make there transfered in US dollars is nothing. And they have no clue there how much it REALLY costs to live in USA compared to there. Also its usually the situation that they are not just makeing money for themselves but contributeling to their family. So many factors may be in play here.

Inshallah try to work it out and when he comes here it will be different.

[JelloShotGirl 0]

I am the USC and my hubby the beneficiary. I paid for a lot of stuff all of the fees here in the US. However he paid for all his visa stuff he had to do over there, the medical, shots, which is pretty expensive, the cfo seminar all of the fees over there he had he paid for himself never asked me for anything, however in reality I paid a lot more than he did I think......but whatver..................u have to be considerate cuz the fees that are overseas are very expensive , his fees are a couple months salary for him.................my hubby still adjusting he is working now and gives me money for bills , savings etc. however I still brining home the bacon I pay the rent LOL ! I hope soon one day that will change...........

[Ilya R. 0]

I make my wife pay for everything.....

it builds character

[GoddessGrrrl 0]

I make my wife pay for everything.....

it builds character

Hahaha, you made me laugh.

For us, it is working out pretty much like many others I am paying the expenses incurred here in the US, while he is paying for everything in the UK. It is definitely expensive on both sides, but it is going to be completely worth it to have him here.