Discoverying your daughter is bi-sexual/gay/?

[faith 0]

I don't think anyone should come down on the OP for being "embarrassed" or wanting to hide behind a new screen name. For those of us who have children, please tell me if there is a single one of us who can honestly say that our kids haven't done something that has hurt us, embarrassed us, or caused us to say in a rather sarcastic way "I'm so proud". (It can be a big or small things guys, but think about it.) Obviously this issue is troubling the mom a whole lot.

I have no problems with gays/lesbians, however, I do believe that if either of my children ever revealed they were gay I would probably go thru a period of shock, embarrassment, and deep disapointment because it's not the life I want for them. The key is to get THROUGH that period and move on. It sounds like mom is still in the denial and shock and embarrassment stage, which is a healthy stage to be in as long as she MOVES ON.

As far as the whispering and rumors go. If Mom is concerned about her younger daughter and the effect this will have on her, I can understand that. I live in a small town. I know the attitudes. If the family is labeled life can be hell for the rest of the family. PLUS my concern is how much is this older daughter hanging out with the younger daughter and her friends. That alone is an issue to look at. She's not going to "turn" anyone gay, but should 20 year olds be hanging out with 14 year olds??

I think mom needs to have a serious talk with her daughter (s) she needs to express how she feels and give the girls the chance to express their feelings. They need to work together as a family.

I think if you re-read her opening post and substitute all the gay stuff with just the ages of the kdis and the other issues, you'll see some valid concerns there.

*shrugs* that's just my opinion tho....

Good luck to you and I hope that you and your family can straighten everything out so that you can accept your daughters for who they are, no matter what!!!

[jelti 0]

Lisa,

In order to further enlighten you (and so you don't have to take the time to search through all these comments), I feel the unfortunate need to explain that my opinions about what people are discriminated against was in direct response to the following comment.

So gay people choose to be gay because they look forward to discrimination since it's a conscious choice. They purposely choose to be put down, made fun of, discriminated against by everyone including the government? Boy they must be lookin' for trouble!

I was simply trying to further explain why I hold the opinion that homosexual relationships are choices, not destinies, and that them "choosing to be gay because they look forward to discrimination" has absolutley nothing to do with their choice(s).

I chose to marry an Irishman who happens to be Catholic. I was raised in a Southern Baptist church. My actions in choosing to marry him definitley had nothing to do with my looking forward to discrimination that "my" church would ultimately give me.

[Ban Hammer 13,520]

why is it that when someone asks for advice it usually results in a train wreck? please, let's keep the bickering down and offer some assistance to the op instead of a 3 ring circus

[jelti 0]

why is it that when someone asks for advice it usually results in a train wreck? please, let's keep the bickering down and offer some assistance to the op instead of a 3 ring circus

I don't believe debate and bickering hold the same meaning. But I do suppose we've ventured off track big time, and that the OP came here for advice, not about what everyone thinks about homosexuality...

I don't think anyone should come down on the OP for being "embarrassed" or wanting to hide behind a new screen name. For those of us who have children, please tell me if there is a single one of us who can honestly say that our kids haven't done something that has hurt us, embarrassed us, or caused us to say in a rather sarcastic way "I'm so proud". (It can be a big or small things guys, but think about it.) Obviously this issue is troubling the mom a whole lot.

I have no problems with gays/lesbians, however, I do believe that if either of my children ever revealed they were gay I would probably go thru a period of shock, embarrassment, and deep disapointment because it's not the life I want for them. The key is to get THROUGH that period and move on. It sounds like mom is still in the denial and shock and embarrassment stage, which is a healthy stage to be in as long as she MOVES ON.

As far as the whispering and rumors go. If Mom is concerned about her younger daughter and the effect this will have on her, I can understand that. I live in a small town. I know the attitudes. If the family is labeled life can be hell for the rest of the family. PLUS my concern is how much is this older daughter hanging out with the younger daughter and her friends. That alone is an issue to look at. She's not going to "turn" anyone gay, but should 20 year olds be hanging out with 14 year olds??

I think mom needs to have a serious talk with her daughter (s) she needs to express how she feels and give the girls the chance to express their feelings. They need to work together as a family.

I think if you re-read her opening post and substitute all the gay stuff with just the ages of the kdis and the other issues, you'll see some valid concerns there.

*shrugs* that's just my opinion tho....

Good luck to you and I hope that you and your family can straighten everything out so that you can accept your daughters for who they are, no matter what!!!

This was very well said.

[Sister Fracas 5]

but should 20 year olds be hanging out with 14 year olds??

But don't many younger girls just want to hang out with the older sisters? That seems entirely normal to me. She obviously thinks her big sis is cool and maybe wants to emmulate her...but it sounds like she is smart, knows her sister is gay/bi and has said that no, she isn't interested in homosexuality. I wouldn't try to squelch that very positive relationship.

I DO agree though that the OP is in the initial stage of shock of finding out her daughter is not the person she thought she was. The sooner she accepts that her daughter is not "abnormal", the better IMO.

Edited May 24, 2006 by Frances

[gimygirl 0]

because some people choose to engage in games of semantics ... quickest way to derail a thread!

[jelti 0]

but should 20 year olds be hanging out with 14 year olds??

But don't many younger girls just want to hang out with the older sisters? That seems entirely normal to me. She obviously thinks her big sis is cool and maybe wants to emmulate her...but it sounds like she is smart, knows her sister is gay/bi and has said that no, she isn't interested in homosexuality. I wouldn't try to squelch that very positive relationship.

[Fandango 1,440]

Lisa,

In order to further enlighten you (and so you don't have to take the time to search through all these comments), I feel the unfortunate need to explain that my opinions about what people are discriminated against was in direct response to the following comment.

So gay people choose to be gay because they look forward to discrimination since it's a conscious choice. They purposely choose to be put down, made fun of, discriminated against by everyone including the government? Boy they must be lookin' for trouble!

I was simply trying to further explain why I hold the opinion that homosexual relationships are choices, not destinies, and that them "choosing to be gay because they look forward to discrimination" has absolutley nothing to do with their choice(s).

I chose to marry an Irishman who happens to be Catholic. I was raised in a Southern Baptist church. My actions in choosing to marry him definitley had nothing to do with my looking forward to discrimination that "my" church would ultimately give me.

But I think that Sarah was just reiterating what I said in my first post, which was that gay people are faced with sometimes insurmountable discrimination & judgements & personally I think that somone...or any reasonably minded person....would not CHOOSE to live a life like that.

I accept your opinion, but I was confused as to what other people's discrimination has to do with it, but at the end of the day, I am REALLY late to pick up something at the office, so I guess we'll continue this later.

To bring this topic back on target:

Faith's post was brilliant& wonderful & ITA with everything she said.

The OP does NOT need to disclose her real identity. It's not relevant. Her shame is OK....this is how she feels and she has a right to feel it without being berated & judged for it. . If you grow up believing in a certain thing, then everything is turned on its head, I feel it's perfectly normal to go thru a plethora (man I love that word) of emotions. I once had a client who had a gay son, and she couldnt' be prouder of him. This was back in like 91 when it wasn't usual for a mother to be so supportive (at least in the burbs where I was). Anyways, we talked about it one day, and she said there was a period of huuuuuuuuuge adjustment she went thru. She grew up being taught that things were one way, and here was her son doing the exact opposite of everything she believed in.

The OP came here for advice not for close minded criticism. And isn't the refusal to understand her pov just as close minded as what people are berating her for being?

I dunno if the older sister is using the younger sister as a pawn, but it certainly sounds that way to me. Kinda like a partner in crime as to either piss the Mom off, or to try to get the mom to see 'hey it's not just me'. I think the OP could do with a good heart-to-heart with her older daughter. They may not agree on sexuality, but they can agree that they both love each other & want to work thru this. Maybe the mom can ask the daughter for help? To exercise discretion so that the younger daughter does not need to go to school fighting bigots and judgements herself. A 20 year old can handle the path she chooses, but to ask a 14 year old to do it as well (imo) is another matter & a bit unfair. Let her be a kid for as long as she can.

As for my client? Well, she said they went thru some horribly ugly times together, but they came out the other side stronger and closer than they ever had been before.

OP I wish you the very best of luck & I know you can get thru this. You are in my prayers.

[gimygirl 0]

aren't you late for work now, lisa!!??! nice perk of being a realtor!!!

[ivona 0]

ok, read through the whole thread I choosing not to comment on posts- just not in the mood for a discussion at this particular moment

MOM,

I see your concern as a real one and offer my two cents:

I am now 25 and obviously straight, being on this board an`all however at one moment in my life I had sexual relations with both men and women..... I wasn`t really the relationships type so there wasn`t many of those with either of the genders....

My personal belief is that being gay is not a choice, but something ingrained that can only cause you to be miserable if you try fighting it......

That said, the reason I was enyjoing myself with both genders was basically because I could, because I wanted to experiement and I had the fortune to grow up in a family that raised me to be tolerant and thus experiment in this way without feeling of shame inolved... so for me, yes it was a phase

Let us not forget your daughter is 20, if I remember correctly, and frankly she`s still just a kid....

there is a good chance that she is:

A. experimenting as I was, thus making this a phase

B. testing you, to see how far will our love for her go- which to me implies an issue of very low self- worth which puts you, as a mom, in a position of working with your daughter to make her realize her true worth

C. this is for real, and she is gay- I am inclined to say this is the "right asnwer" as this isn`t a recent development..... she was expressing her sexual preference at a much younger age, when she was steered by others into a straight environment

I can understand the embarassment you feel...I mean, let`s face it- it all sounds dandy here said or posted but in reality most of us wants to be accepted by society at large, which usually means hunting down that dreaded "normality"....

I condem you for trying to deal with these feelings of yours, for the benefit of your daughter....

I am sorry for not offering a recepy on how to make this go away, but I think you realize there is no such recepy....perhaps if you just observe your daughter for a while to try and figure out what is the reason for this choice of hers, but try to be objective about it- leave your personal feelings about being gay aside....

which ever of the three it ends up being she will need your love, support and understanding....

you are her mom, she doesn`t get to have another one

[Fandango 1,440]

aren't you late for work now, lisa!!??! nice perk of being a realtor!!!

I'm so late I got the admin asst to fax papers to me here Now I dont' have to go anywhere, lol

[MomNeedsAdvice 0]

PLUS my concern is how much is this older daughter hanging out with the younger daughter and her friends. That alone is an issue to look at. She's not going to "turn" anyone gay, but should 20 year olds be hanging out with 14 year olds??

I need to clarify here, my 14 year old ended up getting moved up to the Varsity with 16, 17, and nearly 18 year old girls. My 20 year old dropped off her sister and saw/met these girls (a few she already knew) and then at games she talked to them too. A couple of the girls (yes, the gay ones) would drop my 14 year old at my house after practice and my 20 year old would see/talk to them there. So she really doesn't hang out with 14 year girls.

[ivona 0]

I condem you for trying to deal with these feelings of yours, for the benefit of your daughter....

F$$K

I meant to say I think it is praise worthy, not the other way around

darn english being second language and brain not functioning right now, sorry

[Ban Hammer 13,520]

I condem you for trying to deal with these feelings of yours, for the benefit of your daughter....

F$$K

I meant to say I think it is praise worthy, not the other way around

darn english being second language and brain not functioning right now, sorry

commend. that is what i figured you meant when i read that post anyways.

[MomNeedsAdvice 0]

Let us not forget your daughter is 20, if I remember correctly, and frankly she`s still just a kid....

there is a good chance that she is:

A. experimenting as I was, thus making this a phase

B. testing you, to see how far will our love for her go- which to me implies an issue of very low self- worth which puts you, as a mom, in a position of working with your daughter to make her realize her true worth

C. this is for real, and she is gay- I am inclined to say this is the "right asnwer" as this isn`t a recent development..... she was expressing her sexual preference at a much younger age, when she was steered by others into a straight environment

Regarding C, middle school (ages 12-13) she had puppy-love boyfriends. At age 14-16 she had a steady boyfriend (including sex at age 14 I found out a year later but put her on BCPs, though they also used condoms on their own, thank goodness). At age 16 she had that brief (1-2 month) fling with a girl, though as I said before I don't know what all went on. Then from 17 to nearly 20 she dated a boy. All this time she would make comments about passing guys being cute or good-looking and all. That is why I'm not sure it isn't a phase. She broke up with her boyfriend to hang around these girls, and within a week one turned into her girlfriend. The thing is, get this, about 3-4 weeks before she started hanging out some with softball girls and eventually her group now, she told one of the softball players after she found out she was gay "don't turn my sister gay". She was dead serious because she told me at the time she told the player. The player got an attitude with her and she got an attitude back, like "I'm warning you". Then, that same day big sister told little sister "there is too much drama to get involved with a girl". Again, this was a few weeks before she herself started hanging out with girls again. So here is something else that confuses me.

Again, thanks for the comments. I can't believe the responses.