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Filed: Timeline
Posted

First of all, I am an active member of this site and have been for almost 2 years but I registered using another name as I know alot of you and this is an embarrassing topic for me. And I'm sorry this so long!

Here is my story: My 20-year-old daughter currently has a girlfriend. My daughter has always liked boys growing up. She had a steady boyfriend from age 14-16, but then she joined the school's softball team. Unfortunately there were several bi-sexual or gay girls on the team. She hooked up with a girl temporarily. I found out, talked to this girl's guardians (aunt/uncle who had temporary custody), and we tried to nip this in the bud. We kept them apart, and when school finished for the year a couple months later the girl went back to Texas with her other family. Nothing more seemed to become of it. I'm not sure what type of relationship went on - in other words, if there was any sexual relations going on. She did not play school ball anymore due to other things. So in all the years from then she has had boyfriends, another steady one for over 2 years.

So now her sister who is 14, joined the school team but got moved up to play with Varsity as she is a good pitcher and they needed her. Anyhow, on the Varsity team, 9 out of the 13 girls are bi/gay. Big sister started hanging around some of the high school players and her own sister when helping me get little sister to practice (since I work). I could not go to the beach and take off 4 days or afford it when the team went down for a tournament so I let older sister go to "supervise". She did supervise, but big sister ended up getting back into the the "group" but not with the girls from ball, but some of their older friends. At the time she was nearing a relationship with a boy for 2 years and this was a good excuse to break off from him. So, now big sister got a girlfriend the first of April and had her for a month. A bunch of them hang out together, most already coupled up. She broke it off with the first and now has a second girfriend. The worse this about this is big sister is living with her dad (long story - but she has gone between her dad and me for the past 2 years when she doesn't get her way) and little sister lives with me, but anyhow, my ex is allowing big sister, her girlfriend, and another girl couple to live there. He says he is against this lifestyle, but he thinks they will get tired of being around each other all the time. The other couple is same ages (20) with one having parental problems and the other home from college (though her home is actually in the south of the state - 4 hours away). So my son (who lives with his dad), age 14, is living with this. At first he thought this was gross (and I think he still does), but the girls are "cool" , meaning their personalities, and he is a very bored boy with no friends around because his dad just moved a month ago to a neighborhood 20 miles away from where they used to and there are older couples there.

Anyhow, little sister sees nothing wrong with what her sister is doing, she loves her sister and looks up to her as a little sister does, but big sister got mad at me last night and said little sister has these "feelings" too. Little sister denies it, but might just be telling me this.

So HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Little sister wants to hang out with big sister and her "friends" but I don't want her being exposed thinking this is the norm, but I don't want to keep her from her sister. Big sister is mad at me because of my views of this, but once she went ot the beach and got into this lifestyle, her college grades have suffered and she is not focused anymore. I can't threaten not to pay because she gets college loans. I just don't know what to think. I'm thinking it is a phase (or at least hoping), but I can't see her growing out of it anytime soon if these girls are living with her, she is not taking classes this summer, works only 30 hours a week, and has all her other free time to "hang out". I don't want little sister "hanging out" all summer with them, but I work.

I need advice, suggestions, please !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so stressed out about this and go through crying spells just wanting things to be NORMAL.

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Filed: Timeline
Posted
...her college grades have suffered and she is not focused anymore.

IMO, that is the only real problem here. Her grades. Not her being gay or bi. And since you don't pay for college (you said she's on financial aid), there's very little you can do right now. Of course, next year, you could refuse to assist with FAFSA filing if her grades don't pick up.

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Posted

Softball and lesbians? Not a shock.

No big deal though. Lesbians are people too.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Canada
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Posted

I agree with Agent Smith..... the biggest concern is her grades.

I would not be thrilled to find out one of my children was either gay or bi, but I would certainly try to get over it. I love them unconditionally, and would try to see past that part of their lives. Nobody "decides" to be gay or bi.... they either are or they aren't.

You could talk to your daughter about her grades and about your concerns that her lifestyle may be jeopardizing her grades, but you are probably not going to be able to "change her" sexual orientation by talking to her.

You are entitled to your feelings and I think you should have a talk with your daughter and try to get to a point where you both feel comfortable with your own feelings about this.

Best wishes to you.

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Filed: Other Timeline
Posted

I should think that by age 20 your daughter knows who she is, and you may just have to accept that its not a "phase". Whether bi or gay, what's it matter really? Its not unusual for someone newly in love to start getting lower grades in school. Happens even with "normal" people.

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Posted
Its not unusual for someone newly in love to start getting lower grades in school. Happens even with "normal" people.

:yes: spot on...

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Filed: IR-1/CR-1 Visa Country: Ireland
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Posted

Explain to her how you feel about the situation, grades etc. Also ask yourself if being a lesbian is gonna change the fact that she is your daughter, you would still love her right? Kids arent always gonna choose the person we envision for them, the main thing is that she shouldnt compromise who she is as a person, if she cares for this girl and or any other girl, as a mother you may just have to accept her lifestyle choices or risk loosing a relationship with her. Its not easy, you have feelings and beliefs as well, but maybe the 2 of ye could sit down and discuss it rationally. At the end of the day she is still gonna be your little girl! Hope things work out for ye

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Posted

i think it's a shame that you have to hide behind a fake name due to embarrassment ... should one or both of my children be homosexual, i would not love them any less, be embarrassed or not be able to be myself while asking for support if needed. i think you need to reflect and get your feelings and priorities straight first.

there is no 'norm'. having happy, well adjusted children should be the 'norm' ... not their sexual orientation. maybe it is a phase that your older is going through, but maybe it's not. usually between the ages of 10-12, children start sexually fantasizing and by the age of 16 are sure of their orientation. i would be happy that your children get along and that your younger daughter has a good relationship with her sister.

i think you need to confront YOUR fears and educate yourself. question of curiosity ... is this not the 'norm' to you due to your religious beliefs? i would look for a support group in your area to help you come to terms with your daughter's lifestyle.

and don't be embarrassed or ashamed to be yourself ... it sounds like you have wonderful children and that is never something to be embarrassed about.

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Filed: Other Timeline
Posted

Yikes. I think you're going to get many negative responses on this one. You're asking advice on how to keep your younger daughter from thinking it's ok to be homosexual or bisexual. But many people here and in real life see nothing wrong with homosexuality.

I, personally, do not believe mammals were designed to be homosexual. However, all actions in life are based on choice and decisions, and I believe humans as a whole are intelligent enough to make their own choices. Therefore, I honestly do not believe you should judge or discredit your older daughter for choosing to be bisexual, and I definitley do not think you should try to force your beliefs on your younger daughter as this will only cause her to resent you in the future. She loves her sister and looks up to her. Who are you to shatter that loyalty?

I wish you all the best and your family is in my prayers. (L)

Nobody "decides" to be gay or bi.... they either are or they aren't.

We must keep in mind that everyone does not believe that homosexuality is instilled before birth. Many people, especially those with strong religious backgrounds, believe that homosexual relationships are choices, not destinies.

Filed: Country: Guatemala
Timeline
Posted

I'm not a mom, so I can't really relate or offer up any great advice. I also can't tell you how to feel about this-you feel how you feel, and whether that be good, bad, or indifferent, those are your feelings, and your feelings are valid. I would, however, encourage you to take a look at the BIGGER picture. Aside from doing bad in school (which is a phase MANY college kids go through), is she smart, responsible, well-adjusted, independent? That's all you can really hope for, and if you can say yes to those things, you can know you've done your job well. If it's your religious beliefs that make it impossible for you to accept your daughter's lifestyle, all you can really do is pray about it, talk to her (not talk AT her or yell at her), and love her. That's all you can do, then leave it in God's hands. She's an adult now, so you can't control her...if you are concerned about your younger daughter, I would express those concerns to the older daughter and simply ask that she be considerate in that aspect.

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Filed: Timeline
Posted

Well, I personally don't think gayness is an option, like deciding on whether to try something on. I feel no one would choose to live a life of judgements, nastiness, opression, discrimination, hate, being a second-class couple, etc.

That to me would not be a choice....

As far as the OP's choice to post under a pseudonym...it's her right and I don't think she should be judged for it. It's not relevant to the issue at all.

OP, I'm sorry you're having a difficult time....but you love your kids and they love you...and in the end, what else do ya need?

And fuzz, I have to say I think you're being a bit harsh there.

Posted

My daughter is lesbian and I am so gawd damm proud of her :thumbs: Sometimes I worry for her, not because of her being lesbian in itself but because of the closed mindedness of people that can make life sometimes difficult. She has been lucky and has not faced any real adversity for being lesbian and I hope and pray that continues. Be proud of your daughter, of who she is as a person......thats what counts.

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Posted
Well, I personally don't think gayness is an option, like deciding on whether to try something on.

:yes:

I have a good friend who is a lesbian. Her parents treated her like an outcast the minute she started dating women. To this day, she has a LOT of issues stemming from the rejection of her parents. I know you don't want the same thing to happen to your daughter.

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