caught fiance going to having accounts with porno chats

[morocco4ever 63]

Personally I think viewing porn is a matter between the couple. To some it is a way to spice up a life. To others it is totally forbidden. No one should decide this for others. I refuse to conduct my marriage in a way that others find acceptable or unacceptable. It is private. This poster and her husband have a right to decide between the two of them what is right and wrong for them. I don't recall her saying anything about having cyber sex with others while they were together, just that he views porn. Am I wrong?

I believe in the very first post on page one that the OP mentioned something about "cyberchattin".

Your comment about viewing porn is a matter between the couple, I think everyone on here concurred with that, however the OP didn't know about his inclination towards pornography, nor his emails to other women. So, if it's between the couple, and one person doesn't agree with the others viewing habits then I guess there has to either be some kind of disagreement, or perhaps the couple could benefit from counselling.

I would suggest that the poster asking for advice on this forum would suggest that she doesn't think it's "right". Hence, she was unsure whether to marry him.

No one here made any decisions for the OP. How could anyone? People were voicing their opinions, because that's what the OP was asking for.

I agree with you on some points, she didn't know about it. That is where I have the issue. No couple should hide anything from each other. Perhaps this was all previous to their relationship and he felt the need to hide it. Perhaps he is doing it now. The point is that she and him have decided to work it out. Perhaps he has promised not to view porn. Perhaps he will, but will be more honest with her. I don't view the porn as the issue "if" they are both in agreement. What I don't support is those that say that viewing porn is evil or bad. Or that those that do it are going to eventually cheat, this is where I had an issue with your statement. The fact is that it does not always lead to going further. Just as true is the man that cheats, even without the influence of porn. I believe it has more to do with who the man himself is, not what he views. To be honest with you, it isn't my cup of tea, but I do know of couples that enjoy bringing porn into their bedroom.

Any sort of cheating, be it in person or online, is wrong in my opinion. So yes, if there was "cyberchatting" that was sexual in nature I would be against it. There are those on VJ that don't believe that cyber sex is cheating, but it is my personal belief that it is. But if your spouse is doing it, and you know about, and are okay with it, then it isn't anyones business. What I do view as an issue is any dishonesty between them.

I hope the best for this couple. Whatever their agreement is I hope that he has learned a lesson from it.

[Carlawarla 1]

Personally I think viewing porn is a matter between the couple. To some it is a way to spice up a life. To others it is totally forbidden. No one should decide this for others. I refuse to conduct my marriage in a way that others find acceptable or unacceptable. It is private. This poster and her husband have a right to decide between the two of them what is right and wrong for them. I don't recall her saying anything about having cyber sex with others while they were together, just that he views porn. Am I wrong?

I believe in the very first post on page one that the OP mentioned something about "cyberchattin".

Your comment about viewing porn is a matter between the couple, I think everyone on here concurred with that, however the OP didn't know about his inclination towards pornography, nor his emails to other women. So, if it's between the couple, and one person doesn't agree with the others viewing habits then I guess there has to either be some kind of disagreement, or perhaps the couple could benefit from counselling.

I would suggest that the poster asking for advice on this forum would suggest that she doesn't think it's "right". Hence, she was unsure whether to marry him.

No one here made any decisions for the OP. How could anyone? People were voicing their opinions, because that's what the OP was asking for.

I agree with you on some points, she didn't know about it. That is where I have the issue. No couple should hide anything from each other. Perhaps this was all previous to their relationship and he felt the need to hide it. Perhaps he is doing it now. The point is that she and him have decided to work it out. Perhaps he has promised not to view porn. Perhaps he will, but will be more honest with her. I don't view the porn as the issue "if" they are both in agreement. What I don't support is those that say that viewing porn is evil or bad. Or that those that do it are going to eventually cheat, this is where I had an issue with your statement. The fact is that it does not always lead to going further. Just as true is the man that cheats, even without the influence of porn. I believe it has more to do with who the man himself is, not what he views. To be honest with you, it isn't my cup of tea, but I do know of couples that enjoy bringing porn into their bedroom.

Any sort of cheating, be it in person or online, is wrong in my opinion. So yes, if there was "cyberchatting" that was sexual in nature I would be against it. There are those on VJ that don't believe that cyber sex is cheating, but it is my personal belief that it is. But if your spouse is doing it, and you know about, and are okay with it, then it isn't anyones business. What I do view as an issue is any dishonesty between them.

I hope the best for this couple. Whatever their agreement is I hope that he has learned a lesson from it.

What I had stated earlier about pornography was not my "opinion". I am educated and trained in this field, and spent over 25 years of my career in the sexual area of psychology and criminology. I have retired from this work now, and I'm now doing volunteer work in a completely different field. If people don't believe what I'm espousing, then they don't. If they care to look things up, they can google them. Of course everyone is different, and each couple's relationship is different. I put some things out there for people to stop and think for a second. I heard and still hear too much "boys will be boys" and "its a guy thing" all the time. It's nothing but an excuse as far as I'm concerned. This wasn't to suggest that EVERYONE WHO VIEWS PORN WILL ACT ON IT. I would ask that people stop excusing men's behaviour or say that viewing porn is "normal" "all guys do it", when this is not true, as not all men do it. Period.

Anyway, I've spent far too much time on this one thread, and won't be posting anymore on this particular one. There is lots of information out there concerning pornography and fantasy I just don't have the time or inclination to try and cite sources for people here, sorry.

[HannahP 119]

Anyway, I've spent far too much time on this one thread, and won't be posting anymore on this particular one. There is lots of information out there concerning pornography and fantasy I just don't have the time or inclination to try and cite sources for people here, sorry.

In case anyone is wondering, no, there really isn't a lot of information on this subject. There are quite a few studies that deal with sexual deviants, confessed porn addicts (!big issue), and child molesters and pornography use. The few studies that I did find that supported the idea that porn viewing decreases martial fidelity were funded by overtly conservative foundations. Even more awesome, these same studies tend to look /backwards/ -- as in the N graphic is divorced folks and retroactive porn viewing.

[Sprailenes 47]

And constant porn viewing can be a sign of sex addiction, and you can laugh all you want at the term: "Sex addict" but its serious and does lead to infidelity.

I am not saying the OP's husband is an addict, I am just saying that you shouldn't always make light of someone's porn stash.

It could be a sign of a problem.

[Sprailenes 47]

and let me add that if it was "normal" it wouldn't hurt so many people, but I guess those people are abnormal for being bothered by such acts right?

[morocco4ever 63]

and let me add that if it was "normal" it wouldn't hurt so many people, but I guess those people are abnormal for being bothered by such acts right?

Who said anything about abnormal? Obviously it would bother you, so if your husband viewed it then you have every right to be upset, especially if you had already laid the cards out on the table about your view on the subject. On the other hand Jane Doe down the street isn't the least bit bothered by it. So who decides what is and isn't normal? Would you feel like you had the right to tell her that she should be upset?

Porn addiction can not be compared to someone that views porn on occasion, some are addicted and some aren't, just as some people that drink alcohol are addicted and some are not. I hope you aren't lumping these 2 groups together. That would be very judgemental.

[Sprailenes 47]

and let me add that if it was "normal" it wouldn't hurt so many people, but I guess those people are abnormal for being bothered by such acts right?

Who said anything about abnormal? Obviously it would bother you, so if your husband viewed it then you have every right to be upset, especially if you had already laid the cards out on the table about your view on the subject. On the other hand Jane Doe down the street isn't the least bit bothered by it. So who decides what is and isn't normal? Would you feel like you had the right to tell her that she should be upset?

Porn addiction can not be compared to someone that views porn on occasion, some are addicted and some aren't, just as some people that drink alcohol are addicted and some are not. I hope you aren't lumping these 2 groups together. That would be very judgemental.

If you read my previous post, I do state that it CAN, not that it DOES. Don't misinterpret what I am saying please.

It obviously bothered the OP enough to post it. I am not saying her husband had a sex addiction, I am saying that there are signs, and to be aware of those signs.

I was responding to the person who called it normal to view pornography. There is a fine line between what is accepted and what isn't. Its fine that she can accept it and call it normal, but to tell someone who is upset by the event which is the OP, it isn't fine.

If it were normal then it wouldn't hurt so many people. If it were normal it would be widely accepted. I do not dictate what is the norm, I just view the norm as what is more accepted by the masses in this particular situation. To sit there and call it "normal" could be considered just as judgmental.

Edited September 17, 2008 by Sprailenes

[morocco4ever 63]

and let me add that if it was "normal" it wouldn't hurt so many people, but I guess those people are abnormal for being bothered by such acts right?

Who said anything about abnormal? Obviously it would bother you, so if your husband viewed it then you have every right to be upset, especially if you had already laid the cards out on the table about your view on the subject. On the other hand Jane Doe down the street isn't the least bit bothered by it. So who decides what is and isn't normal? Would you feel like you had the right to tell her that she should be upset?

Porn addiction can not be compared to someone that views porn on occasion, some are addicted and some aren't, just as some people that drink alcohol are addicted and some are not. I hope you aren't lumping these 2 groups together. That would be very judgemental.

If you read my previous post, I do state that it CAN, not that it DOES. Don't misinterpret what I am saying please.

It obviously bothered the OP enough to post it. I am not saying her husband had a sex addiction, I am saying that there are signs, and to be aware of those signs.

I was responding to the person who called it normal to view pornography. There is a fine line between what is accepted and what isn't. Its fine that she can accept it and call it normal, but to tell someone who is upset by the event which is the OP, it isn't fine.

If it were normal then it wouldn't hurt so many people. If it were normal it would be widely accepted. I do not dictate what is the norm, I just view the norm as what is more accepted by the masses in this particular situation. To sit there and call it "normal" could be considered just as judgmental.

I don't recall calling it normal. In fact I had stated previously that it isn't my cup of tea. But to say it is abnormal because you have viewed so many people hurt over it is also not fair. Think about it, sitting around a table with a bunch of people. One person says that her husband is hurting her because he is watching porn. Do you think that others at the table are going to chime in and say that their spouse does it and they are fine with it? I think it is more of a matter of who is more vocal. This can't be catagorized this way. What is normal for one isn't for another. No if's and's or but's.

Yes the OP is upset, and I would be too. But what would be more upsetting to me is lying. I would much rather have a man that is honest with me far and above anything else. So it sounds to me like a double dillema. He was viewing porn and he was hiding it. They worked it out, and none of us know what those terms are. But to say that a person that views porn, and their spouse is okay with it is abnormal is very judgemental IMO.

but its serious and does lead to infidelity.

Well this quote does sound like you believe it leads to infidelity.

[Sprailenes 47]

I never once said you called it normal. Infact I wasn't replying to you. You're not the only person in this thread.

You just took what I said and chopped it up. I WAS TALKING ABOUT SEX ADDICTION AND HOW IT DOES LEAD TO INFIDELITY. SEX ADDICTION.

Do. You. Understand?

Edited September 17, 2008 by Sprailenes

[morocco4ever 63]

I never once said you called it normal. Infact I wasn't replying to you.

You just took what I said and chopped it up. I WAS TALKING ABOUT SEX ADDICTION AND HOW IT DOES LEAD TO INFIDELITY. SEX ADDICTION.

Do. You. Understand?

Can or does? Make up your mind?

[Sprailenes 47]

Okay here...

Porn viewing can be a sign of sex addiction.

Sex addiction CAN lead to infidelity.

So I see I used the word DOES. OOoops my bad. Oh well.

You want to continue to argue with me? PM me, this is getting ridiculous and I would rather not continue to argue in someone elses thread about a problem they are having. Thank you.

Edited September 17, 2008 by Sprailenes

[morocco4ever 63]

Okay here...

Porn viewing can be a sign of sex addiction.

Sex addiction CAN lead to infidelity.

So I see I used the word DOES. OOoops my bad. Oh well.

You want to continue to argue with me? PM me, this is getting ridiculous and I would rather not continue to argue in someone elses thread about a problem they are having. Thank you.

I have no interest in arguing with you through PM, or this thread. To me it is simply a discussion. I just don't want the OP to have this mistaken idea that since her fiance has been looking at porn that he is abnormal, or that it means he will cheat.

[ziia 9]

"I just arrived here in the US. We are not married yet but right now, I don't know if I would still want to go through this. I met all his family and they seemed to be warm and I love them. The problem is I caught my fiance having account in a paid porno chat site and when I checked it using his log in details, he even have some credits left, it was only .0322+ so it meant he really used up all the credits on it till there were a few loose dollars left .

There was one time he left the pc open and all his emails was in full view. I don't know what came over me, I know I don't have any business snooping and checking but I did and I don't know now if I am grateful I did because I found out sooner or to be really really sad because this has cast a negative light on what was supposed to be a new and enjoyable life together.

While checking his emails, I also read some letters from his co-workers saying how he/she misses him. I don't know if it was a girl or not because there was only an email address on display. He replied the email but he deleted his reply in the sent folder so I don't know what was it. I also found two emails he sent to two different girls and the emails was full of lewd contents. Sad thing is, those email exchanges just a month before my arrival here which means he's been actively flirting (probably with co-worker) or sex cyberchattin with others even though I am about to come here. "

You girls might want to re-read the poster's main message. She doesn't state she has a problem with her fiancee's porn watching, but porn paying and girl flirting....

[miss g 1]

Personally I think viewing porn is a matter between the couple. To some it is a way to spice up a life. To others it is totally forbidden. No one should decide this for others. I refuse to conduct my marriage in a way that others find acceptable or unacceptable. It is private. This poster and her husband have a right to decide between the two of them what is right and wrong for them. I don't recall her saying anything about having cyber sex with others while they were together, just that he views porn. Am I wrong?

I believe in the very first post on page one that the OP mentioned something about "cyberchattin".

Your comment about viewing porn is a matter between the couple, I think everyone on here concurred with that, however the OP didn't know about his inclination towards pornography, nor his emails to other women. So, if it's between the couple, and one person doesn't agree with the others viewing habits then I guess there has to either be some kind of disagreement, or perhaps the couple could benefit from counselling.

I would suggest that the poster asking for advice on this forum would suggest that she doesn't think it's "right". Hence, she was unsure whether to marry him.

No one here made any decisions for the OP. How could anyone? People were voicing their opinions, because that's what the OP was asking for.

I agree with you on some points, she didn't know about it. That is where I have the issue. No couple should hide anything from each other. Perhaps this was all previous to their relationship and he felt the need to hide it. Perhaps he is doing it now. The point is that she and him have decided to work it out. Perhaps he has promised not to view porn. Perhaps he will, but will be more honest with her. I don't view the porn as the issue "if" they are both in agreement. What I don't support is those that say that viewing porn is evil or bad. Or that those that do it are going to eventually cheat, this is where I had an issue with your statement. The fact is that it does not always lead to going further. Just as true is the man that cheats, even without the influence of porn. I believe it has more to do with who the man himself is, not what he views. To be honest with you, it isn't my cup of tea, but I do know of couples that enjoy bringing porn into their bedroom.

Any sort of cheating, be it in person or online, is wrong in my opinion. So yes, if there was "cyberchatting" that was sexual in nature I would be against it. There are those on VJ that don't believe that cyber sex is cheating, but it is my personal belief that it is. But if your spouse is doing it, and you know about, and are okay with it, then it isn't anyones business. What I do view as an issue is any dishonesty between them.

I hope the best for this couple. Whatever their agreement is I hope that he has learned a lesson from it.

What I had stated earlier about pornography was not my "opinion". I am educated and trained in this field, and spent over 25 years of my career in the sexual area of psychology and criminology. I have retired from this work now, and I'm now doing volunteer work in a completely different field. If people don't believe what I'm espousing, then they don't. If they care to look things up, they can google them. Of course everyone is different, and each couple's relationship is different. I put some things out there for people to stop and think for a second. I heard and still hear too much "boys will be boys" and "its a guy thing" all the time. It's nothing but an excuse as far as I'm concerned. This wasn't to suggest that EVERYONE WHO VIEWS PORN WILL ACT ON IT. I would ask that people stop excusing men's behaviour or say that viewing porn is "normal" "all guys do it", when this is not true, as not all men do it. Period.

Anyway, I've spent far too much time on this one thread, and won't be posting anymore on this particular one. There is lots of information out there concerning pornography and fantasy I just don't have the time or inclination to try and cite sources for people here, sorry.

there is an expert on everything in this world that will tell you that their way of thinking is right...I studied psychology too and the one thing I realiesd is that it is BULLSHIT (my opinion).. you cant say for certain why people do things that they do or that they are even going to act a certain way.. thats why you have HYPOTHESIS, theories etc..

If you had to do research in to it how many men and women do you think you would find that watch porn, that are not sexually deviant.. I know couples that watch porn together.... Maybe the statement that ALL MEN DO IT is incorrect, but lets just say that MOST DO.. and so what? i think that its more a sign of ones ethnocentricities than anything else because people have different ways of thinking and perceiving things, and i think sometimes people let their own moral values interfere in how they choose to intepret events.. and

[morocco4ever 63]

Personally I think viewing porn is a matter between the couple. To some it is a way to spice up a life. To others it is totally forbidden. No one should decide this for others. I refuse to conduct my marriage in a way that others find acceptable or unacceptable. It is private. This poster and her husband have a right to decide between the two of them what is right and wrong for them. I don't recall her saying anything about having cyber sex with others while they were together, just that he views porn. Am I wrong?

I believe in the very first post on page one that the OP mentioned something about "cyberchattin".

Your comment about viewing porn is a matter between the couple, I think everyone on here concurred with that, however the OP didn't know about his inclination towards pornography, nor his emails to other women. So, if it's between the couple, and one person doesn't agree with the others viewing habits then I guess there has to either be some kind of disagreement, or perhaps the couple could benefit from counselling.

I would suggest that the poster asking for advice on this forum would suggest that she doesn't think it's "right". Hence, she was unsure whether to marry him.

No one here made any decisions for the OP. How could anyone? People were voicing their opinions, because that's what the OP was asking for.

I agree with you on some points, she didn't know about it. That is where I have the issue. No couple should hide anything from each other. Perhaps this was all previous to their relationship and he felt the need to hide it. Perhaps he is doing it now. The point is that she and him have decided to work it out. Perhaps he has promised not to view porn. Perhaps he will, but will be more honest with her. I don't view the porn as the issue "if" they are both in agreement. What I don't support is those that say that viewing porn is evil or bad. Or that those that do it are going to eventually cheat, this is where I had an issue with your statement. The fact is that it does not always lead to going further. Just as true is the man that cheats, even without the influence of porn. I believe it has more to do with who the man himself is, not what he views. To be honest with you, it isn't my cup of tea, but I do know of couples that enjoy bringing porn into their bedroom.

Any sort of cheating, be it in person or online, is wrong in my opinion. So yes, if there was "cyberchatting" that was sexual in nature I would be against it. There are those on VJ that don't believe that cyber sex is cheating, but it is my personal belief that it is. But if your spouse is doing it, and you know about, and are okay with it, then it isn't anyones business. What I do view as an issue is any dishonesty between them.

I hope the best for this couple. Whatever their agreement is I hope that he has learned a lesson from it.

What I had stated earlier about pornography was not my "opinion". I am educated and trained in this field, and spent over 25 years of my career in the sexual area of psychology and criminology. I have retired from this work now, and I'm now doing volunteer work in a completely different field. If people don't believe what I'm espousing, then they don't. If they care to look things up, they can google them. Of course everyone is different, and each couple's relationship is different. I put some things out there for people to stop and think for a second. I heard and still hear too much "boys will be boys" and "its a guy thing" all the time. It's nothing but an excuse as far as I'm concerned. This wasn't to suggest that EVERYONE WHO VIEWS PORN WILL ACT ON IT. I would ask that people stop excusing men's behaviour or say that viewing porn is "normal" "all guys do it", when this is not true, as not all men do it. Period.

Anyway, I've spent far too much time on this one thread, and won't be posting anymore on this particular one. There is lots of information out there concerning pornography and fantasy I just don't have the time or inclination to try and cite sources for people here, sorry.

there is an expert on everything in this world that will tell you that their way of thinking is right...I studied psychology too and the one thing I realiesd is that it is BULLSHIT (my opinion).. you cant say for certain why people do things that they do or that they are even going to act a certain way.. thats why you have HYPOTHESIS, theories etc..

If you had to do research in to it how many men and women do you think you would find that watch porn, that are not sexually deviant.. I know couples that watch porn together.... Maybe the statement that ALL MEN DO IT is incorrect, but lets just say that MOST DO.. and so what? i think that its more a sign of ones ethnocentricities than anything else because people have different ways of thinking and perceiving things, and i think sometimes people let their own moral values interfere in how they choose to intepret events.. and

I was curious about this so I posted a poll on VJ. For those interested you might want to check it out. It does seem to suggest that the majority of men do watch porn. Some regularly and some on occasion. It also seems to suggest that the majority don't believe it causes cheating, that it is more of a form of release. Of course this is just a small percentage of the population, but interesting nontheless.

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=151559