Effect of Conditional GC on relashionship

[rika60607 215]

Dear all,

I am not hiding behind a new name. I am who I am. I work full time and I drive 3 hours a day to work and back, I started at work 3 days after coming back to the States and I am very tired most of the week. My husband did not have to support me at any time during our 6 year relationship. In fact, I helped him out a couple of times.

Last month with my husband was difficult. He did not cheat on me and he was not physically abusive. But. He was not the man I knew, he was not the kind, loving and funny man I married. He was rude, aggressive, vindictive about little things, refused to help me around the house, was out and about hanging out at bars and with friends and then used that to argue that he is too tired to help me with cleaning/picking up his own sh*t. He was incredibly inconsiderate. We argued relentlessly and I told him I will not accept this kind of relationship. I found myself in a screaming match with him and I do not want to be THAT.

Things got better after he asked me if I was thinking about divorce. I truthfully answered that I considered that this may be my only way out if he does not change. He still would not do the dishes (until they stink), but at least he is acting in a kinder way now.

So I looked up divorce rules for IL. Apparently, there is a need for 6 month separation (if he cooperates) or 2 year separation (if he does not) in order to file for divorce. My GC is conditional and I am due to file for removal by December 09. I would have plenty of evidence to prove bona fide of my marriage. But timing is important and I consider my options.

1. Leave now, move to another State, get speedy divorce, file for removal of conditions. This choice makes me really feel bad, because I still love my husband and feel that we need more time to see where this is going. I don't know if I have guts to do this one.

2. To hell with GC, just do what's best for the marriage. Likely lose GC due to inability to file as a married or divorced woman. That choice is hard also. I lived in Russia only 3 months out of the last 10 years of my life (7.5 years in US, 2 years in France). I do not know how to live in my country anymore nor do I have my own place there. I could move to Europe or Australia and do science there, but it's like... I have to start all over again.

3. Stick with him, hope that relationship lasts that long, that he signs on removal of conditions and then I decide what to do once I have the permanent GC. Now that would make me feel like a fraud. That would also make me feel like a slave.

I feel that this conditional GC thing is adding another dimension to the complexity of the choice I must face and it may force me to leave my man NOW. I can always get back with him later, eh? I don't know, I just don't feel safe.

So please vote, I'd like to see what is the best choice according to people who are not emotionally involved.

[richo 0]

YOu won't put this option as number 1 if this relationship means nothing to you...

1. Leave now, move to another State, get speedy divorce, file for removal of conditions. This choice makes me really feel bad, because I still love my husband and feel that we need more time to see where this is going. I don't know if I have guts to do this one.

My choice is...try to work things out...there's a problem...try to fix it ask his cooperation...im not an expert about marriage or marriage problems...but I know that WE CAN CHOOSE..and seeing that number 1 option that you write.. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAD TO DO..we can just say too much..its still up to you to decide..good luck and blessings

Edited September 5, 2008 by richo

[rika60607 215]

Well, I sort of put my choices in the order of when action must be taken... don't read too much into this.

Edited September 5, 2008 by rika60607

[richo 0]

Well, I sort of put my choices in the order of when action must be taken... don't read too much into this.

JUst saying subconscious mind putting into action

[*JG* 2]

Could there be some wierd reason why the last month has been so bad? Sometimes men try to blind you to what is really going on by using some sort of smoke screen. Example: my ex-husband lost his job; but didn't tell me for over a week. Instead he transferred my attentions elsewhere. Could this be something major he is going through and he is afraid to tell you?

I vote to try and work it out if you can. Especially if this is something new that just started happening.

[pushbrk 13,073]

The green card would be the least of your concerns because you should have no problem removing conditions no matter what you do about your relationship at this point.

[rika60607 215]

The reason would be that I just came back from France about 5 weeks ago. I know, starting to live together "forever" is a hard thing and that is why I am still with him. I don't have any other reason than him, to be with him. I have my own little car, SSN, driver's licence, two female friends who would let me move in with them temporarily if I needed it and a job which I like a lot. I am not in debt. I am free to go if I feel that this is the right thing to do.

We lived together for up to a month at a time before, but it was always temporary arrangements - long vacations, breaks between jobs... and it was always good. Not so good this time. I am hoping this will change, but how long do I wait? How do I regain the trust I had in him?... I suggested marriage counceling and he said no. He said he is a private person and our issues are not to be discussed with anyone. I can not do it, so I vent on VJ. I need to discuss emotional issues in order to understand what is going on.

He told me he smoked pot when he was in Europe 2 years ago. He knows I am very much anti-drug. I worry about what else he did not tell me... it seems he knows what I do not like and yet he goes and does it anyway. He put 66 on his team jersey, because he could not put 666. OK, we are both not religious, so what's the big deal? I feel that he actually enjoys being evil... and I am so NOT evil, that I can't see how I can love somebody who wants to be evil. May be he is only being immature...

I conclude with this: you must be right, something happened while I was away and what I see now is the wave that follows... I don't know how to find out what went wrong...

Could there be some wierd reason why the last month has been so bad? Sometimes men try to blind you to what is really going on by using some sort of smoke screen. Example: my ex-husband lost his job; but didn't tell me for over a week. Instead he transferred my attentions elsewhere. Could this be something major he is going through and he is afraid to tell you?

I vote to try and work it out if you can. Especially if this is something new that just started happening.

[rika60607 215]

Pushbrk,

you always give excellent advice...

...but I thought I can not file to remove conditions as separated woman and if I don't file in time, I am going to lose conditional GC?

The green card would be the least of your concerns because you should have no problem removing conditions no matter what you do about your relationship at this point.

[pushbrk 13,073]

Pushbrk,

you always give excellent advice...

...but I thought I can not file to remove conditions as separated woman and if I don't file in time, I am going to lose conditional GC?

The green card would be the least of your concerns because you should have no problem removing conditions no matter what you do about your relationship at this point.

Right, you need to file on time or be divorced and file immediately. Either available choice should be successful, since there seems to be no question your marriage was in good faith. You've got more than a year to obtain a divorce, if needed.

Edited September 5, 2008 by pushbrk

[NickD 203]

You say you love your husband, does he love you? Is he one of those guys that wants his wife at home while he brings home the bread? Must have been a spark once that brought you two together, don't yell at him, that never does any good, but does cause a lot more damage. Sit down and talk, talk about the days when you two were apart and couldn't wait to get together, see if that spark is still there.

Ever think about getting a dishwasher? LOL, my wife never had one until we got married, doesn't want to learn how to use it, so it's my job. She works longer hours than I do, so I don't mind some housework. Also like bring up the times we couldn't be together, (thank you USCIS for that), makes things interesting in the bedroom.

[carpe diem 2]

If this is the first time you really live together (with the idea that it's indefinitely), it's no wonder that things are different for both of you, and that you look differently at each other. It sounds like you're a very independent person, which may cause you to view a break-up as the easiest way out.

My relationship advice (solely on the basis of my own experiences and entirely un-scientific): give it some time. Don't put a deadline on your marriage, and don't assume that everything will fall into place magically. You say you love him. Give him the chance to adjust to living with you, and give yourself the chance to adjust to living with him. Nobody is perfect and you should not want to change each other perfectly but for many couples, it takes some time to find a mode to live with each other. And unfortunately, some people who really love each other just are incapable of living with each other. But don't decide this is the case just on the basis of one month of living together.

Lastly, it's entirely possible and totally fine to be in a loving marriage relationship with someone and not live with that person (I need to say though that I don't know how this is viewed by immigration officers, this is just my non-legal view). Most couples start out that way and some enjoy keeping these living arrangements into place permanently, often because they place very high values on their independence. In the end it's about what works for you, and that may not be the most conventional arrangement. However, it sounds like your husband is important to you so it may be worth it to try to find a modus that keeps you both happy.

Anyway, that's my vote-- I guess technically it's "none of the above." Good luck!

[rika60607 215]

Dear all,

thank you for your input. You helped me to see more possibilities - relationship wise. True, I am pretty independent. I've been married and divorced before (1st husband left me), so divorce does not seem scary to me.

It is not relationship issues that scare me - it is the laws.

My concern still stays true - my actions will be influenced by the December'09 deadline to file for removal of conditions and by the fact that if I don't separate from my husband in three months, I may become a fraud and a slave for another 18-20 months (ie until conditions are removed). And if I left then - my husband would feel that I used him and he would be right.

In fact, if I decide to leave within next three months and he chooses to not cooperate in divorce - I will have to pick up and move to another state, with less of a divorce waiting period than IL.

I still hope for something magic to happen. Damn USCIS, I wish I had more time and did not have to worry about my status.

Rika

PS My man says he loves me, but I feel that marriage convinced him he owns me and I am to do the work and make him pleased. This is wrong and impossible to take for someone who is independent.

[rika60607 215]

PS I wish that deadline for conditions removal was 5 years after marriage/entrance...

I suppose I am the only one...

[diadromous mermaid 36]

The idea of moving to another state would have to be very closely researched, and my hunch is that it would buy you no more time at all. Most states have a residency requirement before a petition for will divorce be considered appropriate in that jurisdiction. Mine is 180 days, and I sense most might be too.

Better to look upon this marrage as if there were no decision with respect to immigration looming. When the time comes to file to Remove Conditions, if you are in a viable marriage, have your spouse file jointly with you, to meet the filing deadline and then be prepared to withdraw that joint petition and replace it with a waiver if at some point in time you feel filing for divorce is indeed a necessity.

Dear all,

thank you for your input. You helped me to see more possibilities - relationship wise. True, I am pretty independent. I've been married and divorced before (1st husband left me), so divorce does not seem scary to me.

It is not relationship issues that scare me - it is the laws.

My concern still stays true - my actions will be influenced by the December'09 deadline to file for removal of conditions and by the fact that if I don't separate from my husband in three months, I may become a fraud and a slave for another 18-20 months (ie until conditions are removed). And if I left then - my husband would feel that I used him and he would be right.

In fact, if I decide to leave within next three months and he chooses to not cooperate in divorce - I will have to pick up and move to another state, with less of a divorce waiting period than IL.

I still hope for something magic to happen. Damn USCIS, I wish I had more time and did not have to worry about my status.

Rika

PS My man says he loves me, but I feel that marriage convinced him he owns me and I am to do the work and make him pleased. This is wrong and impossible to take for someone who is independent.

Edited September 7, 2008 by diadromous mermaid

[Nutty 2]

Sorry to hear about the way things are going with you.

A 6 month seperation is not a bad idea in that it could give you and your husband some time ALONE to reflect on how you want to proceed. Maybe he will change for the better and maybe you will decided to give another chance (depending on how many chances you have already given to him) - or - go ahead and divorce.

Since this marriage was entered into with honest intentions, there is no issue of marriage fraud.