cultural differences

[JelloShotGirl 0]

I know that everyone is different and I try to live by taking into consideration "the individual" more than the individual's culture, because you should not generalize. However I am having some difficulty with my husband who is from Philippines regarding not directly answering a question. Usually I let it go cuz its not a major issue but lately in regards to some issues IMPORTANT we need to discuss and info I need to know it is like pulling teeth to get a straight answer from him. Example: he is having back pain and he went to doctor and got the ex rays back. He is in a lot of pain.I asked him what doctor said and he is like almost skirting the issue .I dont want to be a nag. Also some other important issues came up and he wont answer me . maybe I am just an A**h**E. I just want to help him. But now I feel like, ok whatever I will just ignore him and not bring up the question or issue unless he brings it up. Just need ur advise on this.

[Brian&Mel 0]

Many times I didn't tell my husband how bad I felt as I do not wanna worry him. But then I noticed that Westerner are more open when communicating. I learnt that when he asked me "how I felt?", he really want to know how I felt.

I think Asian are more reserved and there are times we are unwilling to share our feelings. I am not streotyping Asian but this is just I how I felt being Asian. Sometimes it's hard for us to spill everything out as we are not sure how our spouse would feel. Perhaps we have yet to know our spouse good enough to know how they really felt and want.

After living with my husband more than 5 months, I am beginning to know him more. I know when to ask the right question at the right time. I also know that he will tell me something if it's important. It was hard in the beginning with the difference in culture and background. There are times I said something and he intrepet it in a different way.

For the last 5 months, we learnt to ask more questions to understand each other better. I also tell him how I really felt if there is an misunderstanding. Time really taught us to be more patient and tolerant with each other.

And of course different couples will have their own differences. Once you know your couple long enough, you will be able to communicate and understand each other better.

Good luck!

[tok 0]

I will agree with you that this is definitely not always a cultural thing. You can always COMMUNICATE the feelings you have shared with us here on VJ with the one it matters most- your husband. If he remains a closed man, don't count on changing him, but just try to accept the aspects you find difficult. Welcome to married life!! And good luck...

[Melrose Plant 1]

Yes, I find that my wife will not admit to feeling bad, and I basically have to call her a liar to get her to admit she is sick (which happened a lot these last 3 months, the first 3 of her pregnancy).

Anybody have any trouble with Vietnamese women wanting to cook (and therefore wanting you to eat) WAY TOO MUCH food? My wife is mad at me because I finally decided that I am not going to eat enough for 3 or 4 people every single night. Plus, it'll make us fat in the end. I had the warning signs when I was in Vietnam: After a short while there, I dreaded every meal because I would be expected to eat almost to the point of pain.

Is it just her, or have others experienced this as well?

Edited September 5, 2008 by Melrose Plant

[Rodney n. 0]

I have same experience. My wife is always trying to get me to eat or asking me if i want more food.lol

Rodney

[Huanyen 0]

I will agree with you that this is definitely not always a cultural thing. You can always COMMUNICATE the feelings you have shared with us here on VJ with the one it matters most- your husband. If he remains a closed man, don't count on changing him, but just try to accept the aspects you find difficult. Welcome to married life!! And good luck...

I think this is understandable based on the fact she's vietnamese.

In Vietnam, back in 1980's and 1990's (or even now) Vietnamese people did not have enough food to eat. That's why you see most Vietnamese are skinny. When there were not enough food to eat, people started to save food and always have quite some food saved some where, in case, we were running out of food (again).

It's really in Vietnamese blood when we cook and save food for later. It's even more obvious that Vietnamese also express love by giving food to their significant others. Food had a strong value in Vietnam society. If someone give you food, they really care and love you.

[Huanyen 0]

I know that everyone is different and I try to live by taking into consideration "the individual" more than the individual's culture, because you should not generalize. However I am having some difficulty with my husband who is from Philippines regarding not directly answering a question. Usually I let it go cuz its not a major issue but lately in regards to some issues IMPORTANT we need to discuss and info I need to know it is like pulling teeth to get a straight answer from him. Example: he is having back pain and he went to doctor and got the ex rays back. He is in a lot of pain.I asked him what doctor said and he is like almost skirting the issue .I dont want to be a nag. Also some other important issues came up and he wont answer me . maybe I am just an A**h**E. I just want to help him. But now I feel like, ok whatever I will just ignore him and not bring up the question or issue unless he brings it up. Just need ur advise on this.

I am not an expert in marriage. But I would say that to understand a person is hard. To understand a person with a completely different background and culture is even harder.

Please be patient and continue to have small conversations. Everything will work out.

Yes, I find that my wife will not admit to feeling bad, and I basically have to call her a liar to get her to admit she is sick (which happened a lot these last 3 months, the first 3 of her pregnancy).

Anybody have any trouble with Vietnamese women wanting to cook (and therefore wanting you to eat) WAY TOO MUCH food? My wife is mad at me because I finally decided that I am not going to eat enough for 3 or 4 people every single night. Plus, it'll make us fat in the end. I had the warning signs when I was in Vietnam: After a short while there, I dreaded every meal because I would be expected to eat almost to the point of pain.

Is it just her, or have others experienced this as well?

I think this is understandable based on the fact she's vietnamese.

In Vietnam, back in 1980's and 1990's (or even now) Vietnamese people did not have enough food to eat. That's why you see most Vietnamese are skinny. When there were not enough food to eat, people started to save food and always have quite some food saved some where, in case, we were running out of food (again).

It's really in Vietnamese blood when we cook and save food for later. It's even more obvious that Vietnamese also express love by giving food to their significant others. Food had a strong value in Vietnam society. If someone give you food, they really care and love you.

[beejay 123]

Yes, I find that my wife will not admit to feeling bad, and I basically have to call her a liar to get her to admit she is sick (which happened a lot these last 3 months, the first 3 of her pregnancy).

Anybody have any trouble with Vietnamese women wanting to cook (and therefore wanting you to eat) WAY TOO MUCH food? My wife is mad at me because I finally decided that I am not going to eat enough for 3 or 4 people every single night. Plus, it'll make us fat in the end. I had the warning signs when I was in Vietnam: After a short while there, I dreaded every meal because I would be expected to eat almost to the point of pain.

Is it just her, or have others experienced this as well?

Oh my god, I totally had this problem when my husband and I would go visit our filipino friends when we lived overseas. They would always want to feed me even if we had just come from dinner. They would not take no for an answer! I finally had to convince my husband he had to tell them I wasn't hungry or I would get a small plate and have him eat it (for some reason they didn't try and force feed him, only me!)

I also have the same problem with his mom when we go to the philippines. If she's not trying to get me to eat then she wants me to rest so I don't get a headache...must be the pale skin, makes me weak Gotta love her for it though.

[JohnVy 0]

We are quite different. My husband lost his weight when he was living in VN. I just cooked vegetables for him and he went to gym class at least 3 times per week. When we moved to the US all his relatives complaint that he looked skinny. It is not the tradition in VN but that is the way to show love from each people . I think so.

JV

[popcorn 0]

I had the same problem communicating with my SO. I'm Vietnamese. It took him 3 times to ask the same question untill he got the true answer from me. It's just because i didn't want him to know my real feeling. It took a while untill i got used to more confronting, straight forward way of talking. So give your husband somet times. If you ask him questions he does not answer or takes him so long to answer, ignore it and come back to the question another time, dont push him (wish my fiance could do that)

Culture different is still the biggest problem i have not overcome yet. We argued almost every 2 days for the first couple months living together. Age different is also an obstacle. When i said my opnions which contradicted him, he assumed i argued. He thinks my opinions do not weigh because they were not earned with time, experience, pain,.... I felt bad for not replying latest email but i dont feel like talking with him at all. Im tired of being told to stop argue when i just simply speak up my mind.

[wolsen3129 0]

Yes, I find that my wife will not admit to feeling bad, and I basically have to call her a liar to get her to admit she is sick (which happened a lot these last 3 months, the first 3 of her pregnancy).

Anybody have any trouble with Vietnamese women wanting to cook (and therefore wanting you to eat) WAY TOO MUCH food? My wife is mad at me because I finally decided that I am not going to eat enough for 3 or 4 people every single night. Plus, it'll make us fat in the end. I had the warning signs when I was in Vietnam: After a short while there, I dreaded every meal because I would be expected to eat almost to the point of pain.

Is it just her, or have others experienced this as well?

My fiance is the same when it comes to food. Everytime I am in Vietnam at the hotel or visiting her family, I get fed so much food that I am ready to explode. When we would have breakfast at the hotel she would just keep bringing more and more food and even ask the hotel staff to bring me pho on top of what I had already eaten. I felt bad at times. I didn't want them to think I was a pig or something. Even when we went out to eat. She would order so much food. I would tell her that I can not eat so much. At night at times I couldn't sleep well because I was so full.

I know she means well and loves me.